Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

Sounds like he see's your relationship as a master servant set up!
Why does he get to dictate to you like that?

He IS controlling, he just expresses it in a way that flies under your radar because he cites anxiety as the cause.
If he is anxious the right solution is to deal with his problem, not to give free reign to his problem and limit your freedom because of it

DH is over anxious about himself, yet not about them?

How do you know this? If I were in the ops situation I would be scared that my dh and I could catch it and both be hospitalised, and worse die, leaving the children. Even the op just catching it will affect her being able to breastfeed the baby. The dh being anxious about the family catching it may very well be concern for the whole family.

Why isn't op worried about these possibilities? All scenarios should be considered, all needs considered and then see where compromises can be made.

I have a child with ASD and severe learning difficulties (and a fairly sensible NT 10 year old).

It must be incredibly tough on you and I don't think DH is fair on you.

He really needs to have the DC on his own for several consecutive days. Is it possible he take a week leave and you leave everything to him incl. the DC?

Would it be possible maybe for you to return to work and he becomes a SAHD?

If you cannot do it, you cannot do it. You need to look after yourself too.

Also, keeping your DS isolated for so long isn't fair on him the either (my DC with SN is really struggling without school).

I think your DH's response is very extreme. Is it possible that he has some sort of MH issues he could discuss with the GP? It's normal to be concerned but to go into complete Lockdown until we have vaccine is not normal.

How can he be described as controlling if he just wants to keep his family safe? There is no compromise here. One of them will have to "win" the argument. Neither is right or wrong.

ultimately, if my DH would force this on me even though I cannot cope, this would be a deal breaker.

I think many posters also don't understand what day to day life is like with a severely autistic child without a break.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras OP has only said that he's anxious about HIM being at risk. Not about them being at risk from the virus. It's his slightly overweight 40 year old self that he's concerned about.

Many many people of his age are at work, never mind hiding away for 18 months. He doesn't have a pre-existing condition, and he cannot risk his wife and son's mental health for his own. He might want to, he might find it hard not to think that way, but OP cannot let him prioritise himself over them.

How can he be described as controlling if he just wants to keep his family safe? There is no compromise here. One of them will have to "win" the argument. Neither is right or wrong.

He wants to keep himself safe. And even if he did care about all of them (and he doesn't because he's prepared to watch his son self harm and know that his wife is suicidal) he IS wrong to totally isolate all of them for 18 months.

How can he be described as controlling if he just wants to keep his family safe? There is no compromise here.

do you have a severely autistic child and a baby and knows what it is like to not being able to access school, don't get a break and care 24/7? I don't think so. It is completely unacceptable to request this given that his wife nor his disabled child do not cope with the situation.

It is not what a neurotic dad wants. As a mother doing the lion share of caring, she should of course have the last word!

He is not keeping his family safe. He is causing mental harm to his wife and child.

saraclara

So the ops husband (and possibly her) catching it won't negatively impact the family? Him getting seriously ill and ending up in hospital for weeks, or dying, when the op is struggling with the children with her dh there, won't negatively impact the family?

He is in his 40s, male and overweight. That increases his risk. Not to mention the fact that in a latest study 45% of hospitalised patients in a 16,000 patient study has no underlying condition. It's erroneous to say that he isn't at risk because he has no underlying condition (he does, weight,) plus sex.

The answer is compromise. Not the dh to get his way but not op to get her way either.

Given talk of live in nanny etc. money can't be that tight so is there not a solution for your DH to isolate alone, the cost would not be that high (short term rental properties are cheap right now in lots of places due to the end of airbnb), whilst it would leave you without any support from him, it would also leave you and your children more able to access their existing support, that will become even more true once things are more generally relaxed.

I was going to suggest something like this. If he's really anxious about catching it from you, can he not move out temporarily until the rest of your family has had it (or the risk is lower)?

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking

Because the stats show that this isn't just a little sniffle to all but the most elderly. People aren't being ridiculous to be anxious about it.

Her dh is anxious. His anxiety is just as relevant as ops mental health issues. Neither more important than the other. Maybe the answer is that he goes into isolation and then op can do whatever she and the children want to do? How will op manage though with the baby if she catches it or is hospitalised with it? I think that is a conversation to be had.

Hearhooves
I am not dismissing him as being unreasonable for being afraid. I am saying his fears should not trump the family needs. He is absolutely dismissing ops concerns for their children and dismissive as hell about her mh issues.... because he is afraid of something, which may or may not happen.

I say that as an overweight late 40’s woman with health issues and disability of my own. I was very very afraid of coronavirus before I had, what I think was the virus. I still would not have been reasonable to prevent my dd from going to school. Schools are almost empty.

OP, this is a worrying thread to read, because your husband is controlling, he dismisses your opinion, and he is dismissing your mental health too even though you've disclosed suicidal thoughts. You must not accept his attitude about your mental health, which is crucially important.

"I guess I could contact the gp but am not sure what the point would be as I think my mood is down to the situation rather than any chemical imbalance that could be cured by antidepressants plus I am breastfeeding which limits medication options."
There are antidepressants which are safe to take when breastfeeding - sertraline is the main one. Don't just take my word for it, see this fact sheet (by a pharmacist):
www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/antidepressants/
Please talk to your GP. It's not just antidepressants. They might also be able to refer you for CBT or counselling - there are probably long waiting lists especially atm, but you might as well get on the list.

Your son's wellbeing is very important too. There is a reason that the government has said vulnerable children can continue to attend school. In the balance of benefits and risks, it is more beneficial for your son to attend school than stay at home. If I were you, I would insist on sending him to school on Monday.

How would your husband react if you did this? Would you be safe?

Oh good I'm elderly 😁

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking

Op might not but her husband may very well.

Her needs don't trump his either do they? Or do you think they do?

I'm risk averse. Personally, I would be doing my utmost to minimise the risk as far as possible. Others disagree. What we would or wouldn't do is irrelevant. I don't think the dh is unreasonable to have his fears. What would be unreasonable is for him to make the op do what he wants. However, the op would also be unreasonable to make him do what she wants.

The child's needs also need consideration and since he is already hurting himself there is a major risk to his mental health leaving things as they are.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
You sound like an incredibly tunnel visioned person, her DHs ‘anxiety’ is misplaced, he’s still at work, dismisses a wife with suicidal features, a son with SEN, that’s selfish, thoughtless and irrational, he’s not at risk.

The problem here is in balancing the competing needs within this family.

FFS hooves the son is already self-harming. We have:

• a nine-year-old boy with SEN who needs to be at school and is already self-harming
• a suicidal mother

versus:

• the risk, not certainty, risk that someone in the family might get CV badly.

When weighing up a slim chance that a bad thing might happen versus a bad thing that is already happening, surely the thing that is already happening takes precedence?

You sound like an incredibly tunnel visioned person, her DHs ‘anxiety’ is misplaced, he’s still at work, dismisses a wife with suicidal features, a son with SEN, that’s selfish, thoughtless and irrational, he’s not at risk.

The dh isn't "at work", he's working from home, so at no risk of catching it from work.

How can you say that he is at no risk? Not one person in the country is at no risk.

If the op is feeling suicidal then she should seek appropriate support for that from her GP. Her mental health is a separate issue and really shouldn't be used to force her dh to act in s certain way.

Why is the DHS anxiety to be dismissed, in favour of the ops mental health? Somehow, the family has to find a way through this which supports everyone's needs. If the only way is for the child to go to school but the dh can't accept the increased risk of infection then the only way round that is for the dh to isolate himself.

The fact is, that the son going to school does increase the risk of him bringing the virus home. How it affects the members of the family is unknown and is where the op and her dh need to agree how much risk they are both comfortable with.

Fuck me, scrub my previous comment about you, you are just plain fuckin nasty!
Her mental health is a separate issue and really shouldn't be used to force her dh to act in s certain way
Should it not ellicit some support from him?
His unnecessary ott behaviour is to be accommodated but OP is just to shut up and trot off to the GP after the precious man dismissed her opinions and worries?
Christ bow to the mighty man 😡😡