Husband imposing lockdown long term

[Bluebell3459]

I feel so trapped with nothing to look forward to. I have a 6 month old very clingy baby who only naps on me and a 9 year old with severe ASD. It is really hard to cope with both of them during the day whilst my DH works.

My older child's school is very happy to have him back as he has an ehcp and is therefore classed as vulnerable however my DH thinks it is too much of a risk.

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine. I really can't go on like this though for the next 18 months as I am exhausted and my older son is regressing badly, really miserable and has started hitting himself.

Since lockdown I have had zero time to myself. I look at mumsnet whilst the baby is napping on me and that is the only time I get. Becuase I am so exhausted I go to bed when the children go to sleep at 8pm.

I have explained how I feel to my husband. He has offered to quit his job and help out however when he is around at weekends I don't find things any easier, he will generally just do something messy with my older son and leave me to look after the baby and clean up. In addition we need his salary, although we could live off savings for a few months we have a massive mortgage and I would worry about him being able to get another job.

His other suggestion was to get a live in nanny when lockdown ends and continue lockdown with her for the next 18 months. I just dont think this is feasible though, I cant imagine we would be able to find someone who would want to do this.

I am also keen to go back to work when my maternity leave ends but this is not going to be possible unless we get external help. My salary is not enough to cover the mortgage so we would both need to work.

I am fed up with living like this. For most people it seems like there is at least some hope of loosening of restrictions but I feel likeI am trapped permantly. I am also worried about my health, I am permantly achy and think I might have fibromyalgia. A a carrier for the genetic condition my older son has this is common.

I thought about moving to my parents house after lockdown for a few weeks break but they feel the same as my husband, that we should not go anywhere until there is a vaccine so we are completely trapped for months on end.

I keep having suicidal thoughts but my husband just dismisses them and says we are much better off than most people as we have a nice house and garden.

Not sure why I am posting, I have no one to talk to about this so just wanted to vent really.

Some

Can you reach out to outside agencies for support on this, you sound really overwhelmed and I am not surprised! Your GP and health visitor, perhaps school and social worker? People from the outside who can see the whole picture - and it's not just about the pandemic. Feeling suicidal is not something to be dismissed as unimportant. Is your husband working from home? If so then perhaps like many people he needs to start doing two jobs: childcare and paid work. It's shit but people (women)everywhere are juggling both at the moment.

Small thing, but can you get the cleaner back if you social distance? Or are you as a family 'shielding' even though you don't need to?

I have spoken to my DH about when he feels he can go back and his view is when we have a vaccine

Well, your view is of equal importance. So what do you think?

Why is your DH so very worried? Who is vulnerable? I may have misunderstood but it seems he is still going out of the house to work, so it can't be him?

OP my ds has asd with ehcp and I have sent him back in. He initially had a month off but I was not coping at all neither was he.

Honestly you need to do it for your own mental health.

You say you have suicidal thoughts, are you on any medication? If not, phone your gp! No shame. I've done the same this week and started antidepressants.

I can understand exactly how you are feeling and I don't have a baby!

Your DH “dismissing” your suicidal thoughts sounds really helpful.

If he can just dismiss that, perhaps you can just dismiss his anxiety about Covid and send your DS to school etc.

Phone your gp as first point of call.

Explain how low you are feeling, you can get a telephone consultation & hopefully they will give you some medication / signpost you to some additional support services.

Does your ds have a social worker?

Thanks for all your replies. My DH is worried about his own health as a middle aged slightly overweight male he feels the risk to him is high. Plus he had pneunomia in his 20s and was seriously ill from it which I think is making him extra worried.

He is working from home and none of the household has been out since a week before lockdown began. My DH stockpiled lots of food and we get online deliveries. I go for a walk occasionally with the baby which is low risk as we live rurally.

To be fair to my DH he does try to help out, he changed his working hours from 6 to 2.30pm so he can help in the afternoons although it doesn't always work out as work often overruns. It just seems to be relentless as both childrem are very high needs and don't sleep very well either. Prior to the lockdown we were very reliant on external help to get any sort of break.

My ds does not have a social worker. I guess I could contact the gp but am not sure what the point would be as I think my mood is down to the situation rather than any chemical imbalance that could be cured by antidepressants plus I am breastfeeding which limits medication options.

Your child needs the routine of school, you need a break from your child. Your 6 month old needs a mum who is as mentally healthy as possible. 3 to 1 outvoted. Easy.

Someone posted the other day that living is more than just not being dead. Your post made me think of that. Your son’s health needs are more than just not catching a virus that seems not to affect under 16s anyway. And your mental health needs are just as valid as the physical ones.

Personally I think your husband is being completely unreasonable and endangering the health of your whole family. The road to hell’s paved with good intentions and all that.

OP, do not dismiss your suicidal feelings as ‘it’s just because of the lockdown’ . The cause is irrelevant, you need support now. If it means medication and stopping breastfeeding then so be it. Your baby is better with a mummy giving them a bottle than no mummy at all.
Please please speak to your GP today.

Surely he can see that while he's working during the day, you are as well by keeping the children occupied etc. Come the evenings and weekends you need a rota where each of you is responsible for both children at the same time. For the sake of your mental health you need time 'off' where the only responsibility you have is to yourself.

I'd send your child to school. If you continue to try and 'cope' your DH will let you as that's the easiest option for him. You need to be clear that at the moment the biggest health threat to your family is to your mental health. You are probably exhausted and that will be a large part of the problem.

Don't let him fob you off with going to the GP and putting you on antidepressants as the only solution. That won't help the exhaustion. I think a lot of people would feel helpless in your position- I had a baby that didn't sleep night or day and I remember the relentless feeling of exhaustion and that was just one child. I also remember the achy joints and muscles that came with sleep deprivation.

I can see his point if he has anxiety issues. As soon as you have other people in the mix you can't 'control' the safety of your family. Both talk to the school and see how they practise social distancing. I feel for you

The first thing you need to do is deal with your own health concerns, physical and mental. Speak to you GP, this can be done remotely.

As to the future, we all have to accept that there are far too known and unknown unknowns about how we will live with this virus. This is what the experts keep telling us and why we must let event unfold and evolve.That’s why they want to defer some big decisions. We are getting closer to answers but we won’t be living the same way we did before.

For many people the best way to adjust to things is to take things day by day. If your current regime for the day doesn’t world, then focus on making that better. Dwelling on an uncertain future isn’t healthy. No decisions need to be made about school, nannies or Jobs.

Life under lockdown doesn’t mean confinement to the house. It’s healthy and liberating to be outside for your daily exercise and even to see people even if at a distance.

I don’t think we can label this anxiety when OP said before lockdown he’d let her go out alone in her car
he seems controlling and lockdown gives him the opportunity to increase his control.

I too think that you really need help with your suicidal feelings . Please make that a priority.

Why does your husband get to make all the decisions?

There are a lot of red flags here and I don't think they're necessarily Covid related.

RTFT cat

Agree with LonginesPrime

Your DS needs to go to school .His needs will be better met there as clearly they are not being met at home if he is regressing.

And you should speak to your GP about your suicidal thoughts.

Tell your DH your DS WILL be going into school as soon as they'll take him. next week, if possible.

Your son needs it and so do you.
contact your GP about your suicidal thoughts asap.

And if your DH kicks off, tell him HE can move in with your parents and work there while you sort out the kids in the manner you see most appropriate since you're doing ALL the heavy lifting in that regard anyway.

You are his equal, not his subservient. Your opinion and needs count, too, and if he won't acknowledge that, he can go elsewhere himself.

I wouldnt be keeping my kids inside for the next 18 .onths especially the youngest. Your baby will be in the vital developmental stage and staying in for 18 months wont be helping anyone.

I wouldnt be listening to my husband.
Once the lockdown is iver and things start getting back to normal then you can have another chat

A virologist last week said as much as everyones testing and trialling theres still a chance no vaccine will be work-they said this about hiv that in a few years we'd have a vaccine-never happened

you dh has to be realistic-very small amount of dc have died of corona i think the risk outweighs everything in your situation

Hi there Bluebell,

We're so sorry you're feeling so low. Things sound really difficult for you at the moment. We're pleased to see you've had lots of really supportive advice and sensible ideas here and we hope that helps.

We do think it would be a good idea to talk to someone in real life about all this if you can though - your GP would want to help, particularly about you feeling so hopeless.

There are a few numbers in our Mental Health Webguide that might be of use and you could also talk to Women's Aid who will be able to advise you on some of these issues too.

You might also like to have a look at this webchat we held this week at Mumsnet. It was clear from the chat that you are far from alone in feeling like this at the moment, and there was lots of good advice given on coping mechanisms that might help you in the short term.

We do hope you're able to find a way to sort this out with your husband. You sound like a brilliant mum and very level-headed in very trying circumstances. Do pop back and let us know how you get on.