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Original poster

Son won't stay in

172 replies

Kimpeach22 · 03/04/2020 21:50

Any advice I have a 15 year old son that just won't stay at home. I have a husband with medical problems and a 8 year old with a rare genetic condition.

When we first went into lock down he was willing to stay at home then since Friday he's been dissappearing every day.
I have spoke to the police and they said I have to parent my own child but how do I parent a child that refuses to do any thing I ask.
He attends a pupil referral unit and they have told me to ring the police every time he goes. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice

Kim

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimpeach22 · 03/04/2020 22:36

I said if he stay at home he could have Internet and stuff now he's not willing he's not having it. If he stayed home a day or 2 he would have had it back

OP posts:
tara66 · 03/04/2020 22:36

Do you have a garage he could move into?

JudyCoolibar · 03/04/2020 22:37

You have let him get like this.

Nonsense. At 15 there have been numerous different influences on a child, to say nothing of the possibility of neurological or mental health conditions. This sort of judgmental bollocks helps no-one.

OP, if the police have told you to phone them every time he goes, I suggest you do just that. As for people suggesting the police have too much else to do - sorry, this is part of the police's job. If they're telling OP she can't lock her child in, what else is she supposed to do?

Nanalisa60 · 03/04/2020 22:38

IF YOU GO OUT THEN IT HAS TO BE FOR GOOD!! Because I can’t take the risk that others in the family getting sick, because of your selfish behaviour!!
So if you leave then don’t bother coming back you won’t get in!!

DandyPenguin · 03/04/2020 22:38

Do you mean you said he has to stay at home for a day or so first before getting the internet back?

I'd say if he's home he can have it. And take away his keys and lock the front and back doors. Do you restrict his pocket money?

speakout · 03/04/2020 22:40

I have a similar problem with my 86 year old mother who lives with me.
Tomorrow she is catching a bus into town to post a birthday gift.
I have to visit the post office anyway with work ( I do drop and go so no queue or contact)
I have offered to take her package but she wants to have an outing.
My family are all advising against this.
She won't listen.
She is of sound mind.
I can't lock her in.

Balhammom · 03/04/2020 22:41

Lock him out.

Dutchesss · 03/04/2020 22:41

The best thing you can do is sit down and have a chat with him. Explain the lockdown and the reasons, explain what could happen if he contributes to the spread. Make him aware he is breaking the law and his girlfriend would alo be in trouble.

Original poster
Kimpeach22 · 03/04/2020 22:41

If he willing to stay home then he would have the Internet on and stuff. He's just not really that bothered as long as he can talk to his girlfriend

OP posts:
3rdTrimester · 03/04/2020 22:42

I bet that everyone saying, 'you are the parent, it's your responsibility' has never been in your position, it's not that easy. For all they know, he could be 6"5 and built like a brick shit house. How are you supposed to 'deal with that' if talking isn't working?!

It's not ideal but I'd agree with PP, give him an ultimatum, he's in or he's out. If he chooses the latter then you lock the door behind him and that's it. If/when the police come knocking, informing you of your parental responsibilities, you inform them that you are safeguarding your family in line with government advice and cannot/will not have their health and safety put at risk but those who are unwilling to comply with these clear instructions.

You must be pulling your hair out!

Elieza · 03/04/2020 22:42

He head butted your other child? OMG what did you do about that? Your son is a bully. He gets away with stuff so he keeps doing it.

I know you want the best for him but you have to protect the rest if your family. Should you not be speaking to the police about the assault?

inflam · 03/04/2020 22:42

Yeah let him out for a walk for 7 hours like Sunday am I suppose to be stupid.

No, you are supposed to be a parent. Removing the internet and not letting him out has probably contributed to this.

MissMarks · 03/04/2020 22:43

Phone social services and tell them everything that has been going on. What do you mean he head butted your twelve year old?? was it a proper head butt?
Sounds like he is totally out of control and a risk to your younger child. I don’t think the polices response was appropriate.

croberts1208 · 03/04/2020 22:43

Do you pay his phone? Cancel the direct debit if you do or contact the service provider and have them restrict services. Make him stay inside. Maybe he needs an incentive to stay inside? Not a star chart but something similar, something that he wants and by staying inside he's able to work towards it?

Flippyflo · 03/04/2020 22:44

OP my heart goes out to you- being judgmental towards you won’t help.

When did this behaviour start ? Is there anything else going on? Stress of dad being ill ect? Are there underline issues such as any links to gangs/grooming.

Agreed yes you need to be a parent, however there comes a point where it’s hard to deal with. Lock him out stand your ground, referral to social care may do the trick.

Be strong and be kind to yourself x

Wannabangbang · 03/04/2020 22:44

Either lock him in or lock him out, harsh i know but he isn't listening to reason!

croberts1208 · 03/04/2020 22:44

Also maybe talk to the girlfriends parents?

pocketem · 03/04/2020 22:48

This reply has been deleted

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MrsDrudge · 03/04/2020 22:48

Smash his phone and cut up all his clothes.

h3av3n · 03/04/2020 22:48

Some of you have no idea whatsoever... he's 15, not 5. How is a woman going to physically stop him from leaving when he's most likely a lot stronger than her!

WaitroseIsMySpiritualHome · 03/04/2020 22:49

OP you are clearly dealing with a child who is fucking hard work. I am not going to pass judgement on how you got to this point whereby there is a lack of discipline/respect - it doesn't matter. BUT you need to pull it back now.

You won't win a screaming battle with him. You need it to be HIS decision to behave responsibly. Can you imagine a scenario where you sit down and talk to him? Show him some videos from NHS workers who are on their knees and begging people to stay home? Show him stories of people being fined for being out with no good reason etc?

Tell him you understand his frustration . Ask him what you can do - within the law - to help? Let him have internet access. Let him facetime his girlfriend as much as he wants. Give him the privacy to do that. Show him that you recognise how hard this is and that you are prepared to bend some of the usual house-rules to show compassion. Tell him you don't want to lock the door/hide the key etc but you will if you have to. And mean it.

How are his mates behaving? Are you friends with any of their parents? Do you talk to any of his mates? Can you get them to step in and tell him not to be an idiot?

You can't rely on third parties at the moment. They are stretched and you need to own this problem. It isn't easy but take a deep breath and try to communicate with him. Let him tell you how he is feeling.

Good luck

mathanxiety · 03/04/2020 22:50

I would have called the police for the head butting of his younger brother.

This is assault.

h3av3n · 03/04/2020 22:50

"You have let him get like this"
You really think a FIFTEEN year old is mostly influenced by his parents?!

WaitroseIsMySpiritualHome · 03/04/2020 22:51

I posted before I'd read your updates OP. So even though my advice sounds soft - I stand by communication and compromise still being the key.

skykiln · 03/04/2020 22:51

Hi, some people have absolutely no idea how hard this situation on teenagers with issues and their parents. I have had to call the police because of the complete melt down my son had at the start of lock down. They did not make me feel like I was wasting their time. They laid down the law with him and since then he has settled.

I would sit him down and make sure he is aware of the death sentence he could be bringing home and ask him to think very carefully. I would lock the door and then deal with fall out as best u can while trying to keep everyone safe. Which I know is incredibly difficult. Good luck.

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