Son won't stay in

[Kimpeach22]

Any advice I have a 15 year old son that just won't stay at home. I have a husband with medical problems and a 8 year old with a rare genetic condition.

When we first went into lock down he was willing to stay at home then since Friday he's been dissappearing every day.
I have spoke to the police and they said I have to parent my own child but how do I parent a child that refuses to do any thing I ask.
He attends a pupil referral unit and they have told me to ring the police every time he goes. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice

Kim

I really feel for you OP but, sadly, I have to agree with pocketem. It sounds as if you are trying to get help now but this is a very longstanding problem which should have been addressed long ago. A 15-year old doesn't head-butt their sister if they have been brought up from young to respect everyone and behave properly.

This hasn't just happened as a result of the CV crisis but the social-distancing measures has brought it to the fore.

His behaviour (violence, knife-carrying, disrespect to others) is not going to be changed overnight, if at all.

I would be begging for him to be taken into the care of Social Services for the protection of your family and for the protection of others.

Some people are completely clueless. I have a severely disabled 14 year old with very challenging behaviour. Our only aim is to get through the next months without someone in the house getting so injured they end up in hospital.
I feel for you.

you lump the parenting blame on the OP without questioning the role of her DH
This is true. The mother is getting the grief here but probably just because she is the one writing the thread. The responsibility for parenting is joint and this is definitely an example of piss-poor parenting by both parents.

How is the 12 year old and the youngest going to turn out with this brother as such an appalling example?

@pocketem, it must be nice to live in a world where everything is black and white like you do. Does it occur to you for one moment that, just possibly, there are other possibilities, e.g. neurological or mental health difficulties?

But I suppose that makes it easy for you - if you can make it all OP's fault, you can happily sit and judge and not reflect on issues such as whether adequate SEN, social care and mental health support might be an idea.

We have friends who were in similar situation. Eldest boy fine no issues, eldest daughter fine no issues. Next son after assaulting his little sister numerous times ended up in jail for armed robbery (held.up corner shop with hacksaw) but nevertheless classed as AR. Did 5 years in jail and in and out fee times after that. Family torn apart youngest daughter ended up in care. None of the kids except jailbird have contact with parents as parents consistently put abusive child before all others. Sad but true.

Please don't judge OP. My youngest has very challenging behaviour. I am getting help from Child and
My middle child has been staying at his dad's, I found out he was at the park with his friend yesterday. He says 'he doesn't care', his dad is a conspiracy nutter and thinks the virus is somehow fake.

Sorry, didn't finish deleting some of my post^

I have four boys, now men, and one was trouble. Still can be sometimes although now 23. He was unruly, aggressive, ill disciplined, and had minimal respect for anyone. He spoke in gangsta, unlike the other three who sound educated even when swearing! He left school with almost no qualifications, the others are all graduate plus. They had the same mum, same dad, same teachers, same house but were so different (the others are all very different from each other as well but not at all aggressive).

It is not your fault OP and please ignore all the suggestions that it is. If I had any bright ideas about how to deal with this now I would share them but I haven’t. I would say afford any conflict if you possibly can, the worse my son behaved the more he thought he was just ‘bad’ and the less incentive he had to change.

Just posting to say I get it, you are NOT a bad parent just because you are struggling. By the way, I still have some hassle but my son is kind, goes to work everyday and pays his rent on time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for some of these lads. Take care OP.

OP-

Hope today has been better for you. I know you mentioned police are aware of him. Have you gone through with charges such as the assault. That’s the difference when he is violent you need to ring the police in and express you need support with him and would like to press charges.

I work with YP in a therapeutic background, referred due trauma but regardless. I think that might be the next step, if social care where to become involved again stand your ground and don’t be fooled by scare tactics.

Remember that teenagers are people, sometimes they just turn out arseholes! We all know adults can be arseholes so why would teenagers be any different !

Continue with showing him love, difficult yes however what I would say is he doesn’t respect you and you need to make him aware that love comes with respect.

Again be kind to yourself x

Update he's not been out since Friday don't know if the phone call off the police at midnight did any thing.
Hes been watching netflix, hobby stuff and has the Internet so is happy.

All's fine at the moment thank god

I feel for you, OP. I'm glad things are going well for the time being, long may it continue!
Some very deluded, idealistic views here. As for wasting police time....the police are enforcing the lockdown and arresting people for being out in public and refusing to go home, why aren't they ringing their parents instead and telling them to parent their adult children better instead?
Because they're doing their job, that's why.
You did the right thing by involving the police, OP.

Glad to read your update OP.
Clearly many posters here have absolutely no idea how hard it is to parent a teenager!
You may get better advise on the teenager threads, if you need it again.

Glad he’s behaving OP, I’m sure there are many in your position, it’s hard with teenagers as you can’t physically make them do anything and at 15 you can not lock him in or out. I hope he sticks to staying in, if he doesn’t then do call the police.

So many judgemental people on here. I have two kids, one is kind, caring, student leader, does well at school and has never given me any problems at all. My son in nearly 18, he’s selfish, he is always in trouble with the police, he refuses to stay home, I can’t legally throw him out, I certainly wouldn’t lock him home either as he’d probably get aggressive. I feel heartbroken that he has every trait that I loathe. It’s not even a teen thing, he’s always been difficult from the day he was born.

I have just read this thread and echo the supportive advice you have been given. I work with children with semh needs and every one is different and unique. It's never as simple as being the fault of the parent. People who assume that can often be part of the problem because this attitude creates a toxic environment of shame for a family that is trying their best.
Please don't take to heart some of the judgemental 'advice' you have been given. It's very easy to be an expert from the comfort of your armchair.
I hope he keeps calm and this continues. Wishing you all the best.

Oh Kim I'm sorry that's tough.

I was a tearaway teen and my parents couldn't physically keep me in when they tried. I did as I pleased with no regards to anyone else really. I was horrible

I completely understand how difficult this must be for you to manage. I'm honestly not sure what would work. You can lock doors etc but I'll bet you my house he would find a way out if he really wants.

I think your best bet is to sit him down, maybe look for some of the more harrowing clips of news etc to show him and hope to hell it clicks with him.

I understand what people are saying with "parent your child" etc but really it's not as simple as that when you have a teen hell bent on self destruction in whatever form. Is there anyone he does listen to? An uncle or family friend thay can have a word?

Beyond the first page didn't load for me sorry! Glad he's turned a corner

It’s not normal for teenagers to be stuck in the house for 24 hrs. So behaviour is going to be different. I think you have done the right thing by allowing Netflix etc. Does he have a PS4 etc as teens use that to communicate with mates. It is bloody tough for everyone and until you have teenagers you can’t judge.

I have no advice but just wanted to say this isn't your fault OP. I hope you can find a way. A lot of posters being dismissive of you have no idea what it's like trying to parent a teen who doesn't want to be parented. All the best.

The violence towards his sister is a red flag!

How are you protecting your daughter from domestic violence?

Some serious dickheads on here, kicking the OP when she’s down! If this sort of behaviour is down to ‘poor parenting’ how do you explain how other siblings turn out just fine!