Son won't stay in

[Kimpeach22]

Any advice I have a 15 year old son that just won't stay at home. I have a husband with medical problems and a 8 year old with a rare genetic condition.

When we first went into lock down he was willing to stay at home then since Friday he's been dissappearing every day.
I have spoke to the police and they said I have to parent my own child but how do I parent a child that refuses to do any thing I ask.
He attends a pupil referral unit and they have told me to ring the police every time he goes. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice

Kim

@Kimpeach22Some kids are relentless. It's all well and good people telling you to 'parent them' but you can't restrain them or hit them and so you feel powerless. Telling a 15 year old they have no internet - not going to go well. He's not 12! In my view you need to ask for help, which is not a sign of weakness. Start with school and your Pastoral lead and it may lead to social services. You are doing your son a service and it's no weakness on your part. He's getting old, ask for help now before it becomes more difficult.

Bribery? God I don't know. I have a relatively well behaved 15 year old and yes he is staying in but it took a LOT of talking. I confess I have paid him to go to Saturday sessions at school. Bribery goes a long way. And yes perfect parents, it's amazing what a 15 year old will do for a tenner a week!

You can only discipline children who agree to be disciplined. Your son clearly has a lot going on and does not, and will not, care about the current situation. And you cannot make him, through threats/punishment emotional blackmail.
Now might be the opportunity to try and rebuild a relationship with him. Let him go out (I realise all the issues around this, but he’s going to go anyway). Take the power away from him, diffuse the situation “I’m going to see my girlfriend”, “Okay, make sure you wash your hands. Will you be back for tea?”
Once the tension/aggression has been removed you are in a better position to discuss things with him.
This is an immeasurable hard situation for all of us, for a troubled teenager it is unimaginable.

Kim, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and for the judgy comments you are getting.
The fact that you came on here and are acknowledging that him going out for long periods is wrong,the fact you are asking for help,should indicate that you are feeling hopeless and are not just a useless parent who doesn’t give a shit’.It can’t be easy and to just say ‘you’re the parent,just parent,lock him in,take his internet away’, I’m afraid isn’t going to cut the mustard. A violent teen,who is intimidating you and your whole family,needs more intervention than just locking him in.
Please continue ringing the police and contact your local social services.This situation is dire,I feel for you and can’t imagine how you feel, on top of everything else him going missing,the violence etc.So,please call SS and get some help!

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord

You have let him get like this.

Really?

Smash his phone and cut up all his clothes.

And people wonder why they have problems with their kids

Phone social services and tell them everything that has been going on. What do you mean he head butted your twelve year old?? was it a proper head butt?
Sounds like he is totally out of control and a risk to your younger child. I don’t think the polices response was appropriate

This - I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP

And yes - contact the police again 💐

OP, I feel your pain. I have a 16 year old and I know how challenging they can be and how they can make you feel helpless to do anything. I think what waitrose says is excellent advice. Try to have a conversation - not a shouting match. I know that can be hard but you can catch them at the right time. Agree some rules, eg time spent online with girlfriend or gaming, etc, but make it clear that if he goes out again to meet her, he will not be allowed back in the house. Put a tent in the garden; airbed in garage, anything like that. I had to do this with my DS at the start of lockdown as he thought that as he's young etc it didn't matter if he went out. They can't really comprehend it and it's really, really hard for them. Good luck.

I have a just turned 16yo DS, he’s almost 6’2”, I am 5’ 9” and no lightweight. If my son wanted to go out there’s no way I could physically stop him. Luckily, despite being a fairly typical teenager in terms of stropiness, he isn’t being aggressive and is pretty much doing as he’s told. The judgemental attitudes on this thread are appalling and I have no doubt that those being shitty to the OP have never had to face this kind of behaviour themselves and wouldn’t manage if they had to.

OP, I’ve never had to deal with this behaviour either, Id follow the sensible advice from PPs saying to talk to social services and see what they advise. Good luck, and I hope things calm down for you.

He headbutted his 12 to brother? Is your younger son ok? I think I might be informing the police and / or social services. I'm sorry. This sounds a completely terrible situation for you, but he can't be allowed to be violent to children and it sounds like he has form for doing so.

He has from the sounds of it been out of control for a while if he is in a PRU and has been in trouble for assaulting and abusing people in the community. All you can do at this point is tell him he should be staying in. Don't lock him in but also don't give him any money. If you pay for his phone, stop doing so. He has nowhere to go as everywhere is basically shut. The fact that he is violent means that you should not put yourself and the other children at risk by getting into confrontations with him.

I can't believe that #bekind was trending only a few weeks ago.

This is someone who is seriously struggling. Did anyone bother to read the part about sick husband and child?

OP, I'm sorry you are struggling. Can you ask his school for assistance? Perhaps it needs to go as far as a referral and having him live somewhere else temporarily.

When he returns and him how exactly he's going to deal with being the reason his father and brother are dead. It's harsh but ask the question. Don't be brushed off with it won't happen. It could so how is he going to look you in the eye knowing he had caused the death of family members and how is he going to live with that. Be very clear, he follows the rules or he is homeless.

It's a horrific situation you are in, but your 12 year old needs you to be their advocate and protection.

I truly hope you find a way forward

Is he involved with or in something he shouldn't be? Alcohol, smoking, drugs. Involved with a drug dealer. All things to consider.

You poor thing. You're in a nightmare situation. He's got the maturity (or immaturity) of a child but the strength of a man, so he could potentially turn on you, your DH or your other child with or without a Stanley knife with very little provocation.

Normally you'd get some fairly sound advice on here, but instead tonight there seems to be a bit of a bitchfest going on. Not everyone but lots of victim blaming. Talk about kicking a woman when she's down, huh?

If I were you, I'd go back and read the very first reply you got from @EachDubh. Some really sound advice there. Hang in there

OP, you might find it useful to head over to the teenager section, there's thread there called holding onto the end of the rope (or similar) full of parents who have done their best and are still having major issues. Sometimes a parent can do most things right, have children who are mostly decent human beings and still have one child go haywire - it happens. Unfortunately right now, haywire can mean big problems...especially if any of this is rooted in rebellion against things being geared to his dad/brother/both (could be more of a factor if their respective issues have had a significant impact on him - not nice and not right if that's what he's kicking against but can happen).

This sounds really tough. I have a 15 year old son myself. He is bigger than me and fortunately does mostly as he's told. I can only imagine what it must be like if he didn't.

Who pays his phone bill?

I pay my sons phone bill. The first thing I would do is get it blocked if he isn't staying in. I would change the wifi password and not give him his allowance.

Lock him in if possible. Though I'm sure if he's determined enough he will escape.

Try to explain why. Hopefully he will listen.

If not you will have to hand him over to social services. Tell him this. Tell him it's not because you don't love him but it's because he is endangering everyone else in your household.

Good luck.

This is the thread I was talking about:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3816762-Thread-Four-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope

Bloody hell!
OP comes on here for support and advice. Don't listen to the 'I'm a perfect parent' lot. They love to feel superior-even though they aren't!

Some really harsh and nasty replies on here.

I was only saying to my DH today, I wonder how parents of very troublesome teens are coping with the lockdown.

Domestic violence isn't just about the adults in the house. Much of it can be caused by violent teens so telling the OP 'this is what she created' is really shit.

It's not far off telling a woman she created a violent husband by pandering to him or putting up with his behaviour.

I love it when parents who have no idea what it’s like to parent a more headstrong/stubborn child try to give advice and make the op feel like shit! You have no idea. I am so glad dc3 is only 9 through this, because I know that if she was 15 she would be exactly like your son and there would be nothing I could do to stop her doing as she pleased. She recently refused to go in to school, her teacher marched up to, thinking she would comply, told her to go inside and dd refused, teacher did not know what to do at all).

Op, I’m really sorry I don’t have any advice. I suspect your child is mentally struggling with what is going on and trying to control something in their own life. But I have no idea how you can resolve this in the current situation. I suspect you’ve tried talking and are getting nowhere. Have the school got anyone who can phone and speak to your son? We are still battling through with dd and it’s been a really tough week, I don’t really know what to do with her. Luckily she hasn’t figured out she is capable of leaving the house on her own, because I suspect once she figures that out in a few years, we would be in your situation. Punishments make no difference to dd. She is quite happy to loose whatever I take if it means getting what she wants.

I hope you are able to sort this out and the rest of your family stay safe

There's clearly a lot of replies from parents of younger kids (or no kids) here.

I'm not sure why you took the Internet away from him?

I think most teens will be on Snapchat while doing their schoolwork atm. My dd is in y12 and a good student but I think she only takes her AirPods out for showers, meals and when she goes to bed.

Can you persuade him to do a GP appointment, by telephone? He needs more help than you can currently give. No good making it a conflict situation. Explain how you are concerned about his welfare as well as everyone else's. Keep your temper and please don't try and follow some of the extreme tactics suggested. You are right to be angry but it won't solve your problem. Remember he's just 15 and doesn't have the coping tools an adult does.

PRUs are open for vulnerable children, but getting a 15yo to go to school when he doesn't have to... Has he spoken to any of the staff?

Cancel his phone contract.
Turn off the wifi or change the password if you think he won’t hurt you to get it from you.

I feel really sorry for you, OP, I teach this age group and I know how bloody impossible it is to make them do as you ask.