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Son won't stay in

172 replies

Kimpeach22 · 03/04/2020 21:50

Any advice I have a 15 year old son that just won't stay at home. I have a husband with medical problems and a 8 year old with a rare genetic condition.

When we first went into lock down he was willing to stay at home then since Friday he's been dissappearing every day.
I have spoke to the police and they said I have to parent my own child but how do I parent a child that refuses to do any thing I ask.
He attends a pupil referral unit and they have told me to ring the police every time he goes. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice

Kim

OP posts:
RedRedScab · 04/04/2020 00:04

I'd imagine a few people are reaping the rewards of their parenting choices right now. How on earth did he get like this in the first place?

Stop wasting police time. Lock him in and give him back his access to the internet.

He might not give a shit (has he been given the tools to do that?) but as you're aware his actions could very well affect other people and you're responsible for those actions.

DandyPenguin · 04/04/2020 00:05

@Pentium85 that may well be true (I'm not in the position to know) but it's not helpful to say on this particular thread right now.

This is about the OP's situation, not a general discussion about children in PRUs.

The OP can't change the past, and her feeling worse about herself is not going to help her have the emotional energy to deal with her son. She needs to have enough resilience to come across and as firm and sure of herself in front of her DS. Which I imagine is bloody hard to do when you're in such a difficult situation.

OP, is there anyone who tends to get through to him you could speak to? I don't think that spelling out the potential danger of Covid sounds like it would work for him. It might be too theoretical and abstract.

MissMarks · 04/04/2020 00:10

OP did you tell social services he head butted your younger son?
When is he 16? Get on to housing and tell them he will need accommodated. This can not go on- you have to think about the impact on your two younger children. I have lived something very similar to this and I know how horrific it is and also how easy it is to diminish what is actually going on- I also know how social services will do everything they can to keep him at home as long as possible but now sounds like it is time for him to be moved to alternative accommodation.

LifeImplosionImminent · 04/04/2020 00:12

I know this is easier said than done, but you have to try to remove things he cares about as punishment - who pays for his phone? Does he have games or items he likes to do that you have paid for? You need to be firm - 6ft or not he is your child and he will have to respect your authority - and if he does get violent then press charges.

This could all be bollocks because I don't know either of you! Flowers

Esspee · 04/04/2020 00:15

Let him use the internet as a way of keeping in touch and explain that if he goes out you will lock him out because he is risking lives.
Then do it.

MissMarks · 04/04/2020 00:16

Do not remove things- he will kick off in front of the younger children terrifying them, he may even lash out at you.
Speak to social services or CAMHS again.

PussyWillowPeach · 04/04/2020 00:16

Hi OP, I’m a social worker and know some parents are finding it so hard to keep their children home - especially those who attend a PRU. For those saying lock the doors, it’s not that simple for some people - some children (even as young as say 11) will go on to start smashing the house up and this could also place parents at risk if they lock them in. Does your child have a social worker OP? If so, make them aware. If not, you could contact your local MASH for advice (Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub). I’d show him why he can’t go out as others have suggested, indeed lock the door also but if there is any sign of aggression at all then contact the police and let him go if need be, the next step would be to report him as missing and your local neighbourhood police would keep an eye out for him on their rounds.

Baker1985 · 04/04/2020 00:16

Who's the parent? You tell him he doesn't tell you that contract phone he got take it of him that ps or xbox take it away your in charge of your house not him take control for goodness sake if u have to lock him in do that you can't pass him of as the polices problem you sort it out or risk bringing this virus into your house your choice.

MissMarks · 04/04/2020 00:20

Baker see my post above and the social workers. This approach simply won’t work with a young person as difficult as this. Trust me- I have been there and it isn’t as simple as that.
The priority here is minimising trauma for the other two younger children in the house.

Leflic · 04/04/2020 00:27

Kimpeach22 I can see the problem.Whether it’s your past parenting or not doesn’t really come into it now. You’ve got a 15 year old who actively enjoys rule breaking.
It needs a shift in the dynamics perhaps. Firstly you need a proper talk ( not a shouting match) with him outlining your worries about him and the risk to the other family members.
He’s allowed out for an hour a day only. He needs to be in at night.Make sure their us some sort of reward involved for him sticking to this. Maybe something daily and something if he manages a week.
Can you make him more isolated if he doesn’t conform so he’s not a risk to the household? Not so much that you’ve given him freedom but enough so he knows that if he wants to “ live apart” he’ll be doing his own meals, washing etc.
I also think a well timed cry may help. Boys hate seeing their mums cry. Be sure he understands clearly what you expect to make you less sad. ie not follow the rules but “you can only go out once”, “you must answer your phone “ etc.
Good luck Op. I know you aren’t the only one with this issue.

emmylousings · 04/04/2020 00:31

Have some people posting really thought about the reality of a 15 y/o DS wanting to get past you at the door? I have one, (I am 5.2) we have never had an altercatiion, but I know for sure if he wanted to leave, I would not be able to stop him. As for locking him out, I find it hard to believe many people would do that, when it came down to it.

MissMarks · 04/04/2020 00:34

Do not do a well timed cry. He will see it as manipulative and cause further problems.
This is a young man who is unable to attend main stream education, who is violent, has threatened someone with a knife, has head butted a sibling and whose grandfather is refusing to accommodate.
But hey- have a wee cry in from of him and he will wise up and stop getting on like a wee dickhead.
The reality is this behaviour won’t stop. It will escalate and escalate causing further trauma to younger siblings and doing damage to parents mental health. There would be absolutely no shame in handing him over to social services or if you can make it to his 16th birthday in to supported accommodation.

Thinkingabout1t · 04/04/2020 00:34

OP, you are trying to protect your husband and eight-year-old as best you can. I hope you can get some help in stopping your 15-year-old getting infected and infecting his family. Sorry I have no advice to offer, but stay strong and look after yourself too.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2020 00:43

90% of the children I have encountered within a PRU are there because of poor parenting and upbringing.

Can you please explain to us all how you think that statement is at all helpful to the OP and her current situation?

IdblowJonSnow · 04/04/2020 00:48

Sounds immensely difficult OP.
No advice but hope you're ok and no way is this as simple as 'locking him in'.
Flowers

TheFallenMadonna · 04/04/2020 00:56

Do you work in a PRU pentium?

Leflic · 04/04/2020 00:57

MissMarks I don’t think being emotionally honest with teens once in while doesn’t hurt. Obviously it won’t work if you are emotional blackmailing them.
But most of the time they’ll be having their behaviour criticised and often none to kindly. They are always on the defensive. I wonder what the last positive thing the Op said to him?
Seeing that you aren’t on the attack and are worried about the family can be beneficial as long as you make it clear how they can help.

Leflic · 04/04/2020 01:06

MissMarks sorry, just read Ops comments about the head butting today. Yes, I agree he’s beyond parenting classes now.
Assaulting a 12 year old is not acceptable. Ring SS.

Luckystar777 · 04/04/2020 01:18

*Today he headbutted my 12 year old son for speaking to him.
Hes been in a lot of trouble over the last few year fighting with adult pulling a knife at a 8 year old. Getting kicked out of school for a Stanley knife incident at school and telling the head teacher to f*k off.

Boy shouldn't be seeing no GF, boy should be bloody locked in young offender institute!!!!!!

1forAll74 · 04/04/2020 01:22

Your son sounds very troubled and needs detaining in some way. He can't be walking around with knives,head butting a brother, and swearing at adults, not to mention going missing when he feels like it.

I don't know what you have to do with children with this kind of behaviour though.

Randomschoolworker19 · 04/04/2020 01:41

I feel for you OP I really do.

Head butting a 12 year old and threatening someone with a stanley knife are serious criminal acts. How have the police or youth offenders teams not been involved yet?

Don't try and lock him in... that will only end badly.

I'd just let him go and keep logging it with the police and social services. Report him missing if you need to.

If he hurts or threatens any of you again then I think you may have to think about alternative accommodation arrangements. Some would say you should have already considered that but it's easier said than done when it's your own child.

Shmabel · 04/04/2020 02:12

Bloody hell. This is another supportive thread! Haven't read the whole thing. There's only so many shitty comments I'm willing to read.

The OP is clearly trying, regardless of whatever happened in the past. Some of the comments here help absolutely nobody. The only effect they could possibly have (other than smug self-satisfaction) is to make OP feel even worse. So what's the point?

OP, I've taught in referral units and special schools before, so I can imagine the kind of behaviour you're dealing with. Most kids in PRUs have had difficulties throughout their childhood and many have emotional problems. By the time they get to be 15, it is extremely difficult to turn the tide. But not impossible.

Apologies if any of the following is already obvious to you, but it is based on my experience of working with kids like your son. The reality is that setting boundaries would still work really well, if you're able to enforce them which is so tough at 15 when they can be violent, destructive and strong. I can understand why you're trying to enlist help. It's the right thing to do. As soon as you try to enforce boundaries, there is hell to pay, especially if he has a history of getting away with certain behaviours. But if you are able to enforce them (typically requires someone physically stronger than him to be around, but someone who will absolutely remain calm and non-violent no matter what) then it's just a matter of sticking it out and not backing down. Eventually, most kids will improve in temperament dramatically and quickly as soon as they realise they won't get their own way. It's actually comforting to them even if it seems outrageous to them at first. Persistence and consistency is absolutely key.

Even at 15, most kids need to feel someone else is in control. They need structure and don't feel safe or even cared about if nobody is in charge. It seems counter-intuitive but all kids challenge their parents. It's the ones who win often that are unhappy. That's what I've found anyway. But with a violent kid, you need someone capable of restraining him because he's likely to exhaust all potential ways to resist before giving in.

Also, be careful how you talk to him. Forgive me if you've heard this all before. Try not to get angry. Try not to insult him. When discussing something he's done wrong, remain calm no matter what he says, keep your focus on him, and describe the behaviour rather than describing the kid (e.g. never say "you're selfish", instead talk about how X was a selfish thing to do). Kids really do become/remain what they're repeatedly told they are. That's why high expectations are so important. Try to heap praise on him every time he does something remotely good. He may even act like he doesn't like it, but it will make a difference deep down. He needs to know you see him, and not only when he's being a little sh*t.

Good luck OP

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/04/2020 02:18

So many ridiculous comments by posters who clearly dont have a bloody clue.Hmm

Incontinencesucks · 04/04/2020 03:05

If he's carrying and threatening with knives call the police. If he assaults you, threatens too or harms your children again, call the police.

His behaviour will now worsen if he's not allowed to see his gf because her parents have witnessed his behaviour.

bettybeans · 04/04/2020 03:23

I can't believe the judgey comments. If she wasn't trying she wouldn't be here asking for help and clearly at her wit's end. Does it make you feel better about yourself to hammer someone who's having a tough time?

OP, I've never gone through this but I can only imagine how helpless you might feel. I hope some of the good advice above works out. Are there any other relatives that he knows and respects enough to listen to? Someone not in the immediate household?

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