Son won't stay in

[Kimpeach22]

Any advice I have a 15 year old son that just won't stay at home. I have a husband with medical problems and a 8 year old with a rare genetic condition.

When we first went into lock down he was willing to stay at home then since Friday he's been dissappearing every day.
I have spoke to the police and they said I have to parent my own child but how do I parent a child that refuses to do any thing I ask.
He attends a pupil referral unit and they have told me to ring the police every time he goes. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice

Kim

@bettybeans the “judgey” comments are probably because the OP’s son is endangering others and demonstrating violent behaviour. He needs to learn he can’t call the shots, he’s way too fond of his own way

You need to take control of the situation and not let him dictate. He has way too much control e.g. the mobile phone. You must either pay the contract or PAYG, knock that on the head. If he won't obey by house rules then maybe social services need to take over. The police have better things to do then run around after him, especially now. Apart from the head butting, he needs reporting for that. Don't let him back in, so what if he bangs on the door. He thinks he’s an adult so he can go do that elsewhere

OP

Just a thought - did you contact the police re the heatbutt. Just a thought if you start reporting him and following through with charges ( easier said then done I know) he will get referred to the local YOT ( Youth Offending team) x

Some of the replies on here are quite harsh.

OP 15 year old son sounds volatile and frankly is abusive to his family. Remember many 15 year olds are physically bigger than their mothers and it appears he is using this strength against other people.

OP, I would advise just letting him use the internet. Lockdown is hard for everybody but especially someone with a short temper. Keep calling the police, try keep your distance from him and protect your younger son.

I would also advise reaching out to social services again.

My neighbours son is 17 and has a constant stream of friends round. He has a shed in the garden and they spend all afternoon / evening hanging out, smoking weed. Both of his parents are key workers and still working.

Op i know this probably wont help right now but I will tell you what my friend did.Her son was 16 and had an attitude that would make a nun swear.He was manipulative and could be downright vile.He was violent and thought the world owed him everything.He was spoilt and had no respect for anyone and would hit and basically terrorise to get what he wanted or what he deserved.My friends life was hell.With very little support she was lost and reduced to a virtual wreck,She cowered in fer of her boy who knew exactly what he was doing.Anyone after a terible weekend she was bruised and had had enough.She didnt know what to do and was very fearful.Anyway to cut a long story short she ended up going to the local pub and found some men! She asked them to help her and come and "have a word" with her son. Three blokes turned up the next evening and she never said a word.She let them in and her son was told in no uncertain terms how his behaviour was not the way to go and if he didnt wind his neck in he would be made to.I was gobsmacked when she did this but my god did it work.It terrified the life out of him. Nothing else had worked and this was the final straw for herShe couldnt control him and lived in fear.She looks back now and cannot believe she did that. but she was beyond desperate.She regained some control and this enabled her to reach out to her son,It took something so drastic like that to make him realise he wasnt the cock of the walk and he was way out of order.She had no one else to turn to and her life wasnt worth living.Funnily enough now a few years on he has made a grand lad of himself.He is a hard worker,kind,considerate,funny,repectful person who would make any mum proud.,They joke about it now the day his mum sorted him out but he never forgot the lesson he learned the hard way.Not saying at all this is what you should do but just telling you what my friend did when things got so desperate for her.....he was a shit but he isnt anymore.Him being knocked down a peg or too made all the differnce.The men didnt hurt him didnt lay a finger on him but they used language from the street he understood and he wasnt so much of a plastic gangster after that....She couldnt sort him she was desperate and although it wouldnt be my way I dont think,who knows I havent been in that situation? I cannot judge her for reaching out in an unconventional way.

God there is a lack of understanding of SEN on here. This is nothing to do with parenting and boundaries, this is a child you doesn't respond to normal parenting / boundaries, unless you have experienced this you don't know how difficult it is!

@Kimpeach22

Can you lower demands? let off education, let him do what he wants when he wants with internet and everything else but say that if he goes out he is putting himself at risk.

I have a 13 year old who can be similar but he is frightened of this so will not leave the house.

Might I suggest that everyone who doesnt actually parent a difficult teenager just shuts up!

I would give him the internet back, usually yes it's a punishment, but it might be the thing that makes the lockdown bearable for him and encourages him to stay in. My brother growing up was similar to what your DS sounds like, nothing my parents did or said made a difference, so the pile on about parenting is uneccessary. Have you tried to speak calmly about where he is going and why? Presumably to see his girlfriend, does he understand he is putting her at risk by seeing her? I think a lot of teens are self centred (no not all before we get a flurry of mine is an angel etc), and trying to make him understand why his actions are going to be bad for stuff he cares about might work better.

Oh my goodness, this thread is appalling, some people have no frigging clue.

God there is a lack of understanding of SEN on here. This is nothing to do with parenting and boundaries, this is a child you doesn't respond to normal parenting / boundaries, unless you have experienced this you don't know how difficult it is!

I fully agree with this. As for getting help, no one wants to know, the help simply isn't there.

OP, I know you are totally at your wits end, but I agree with can't lower the demands etc.

Ignore those telling you to lock him in/out he will most likely smash the door down, give the internet back as this is likely to just increase his violence.

Where does he go when he goes out? I presume he isn't meeting the gf now. If he is just pounding the streets alone, I would let him as this might be what he needs to do to self regulate, France are at least recognising that some people need this.

All the best OP.

Btw my brother was later diagnosed with ADHD, not saying you son is, but for those judging there's quite often more to it than a naughty teen.

We have been told that ds (12) lacks emotional empathy, this makes discipline really quite difficult. (Well life in general)

These children are not fixed with your normal parenting style.

My son is known to the police well but never once for the things he has done have they arrested him. A neighbour last year saw him attack his sister on the front of the house she started shouting at him and git told to f**k off. The neighbour rung the police they came didn't do anything.
He seems to be able to get away with every thing. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and since he's been with his girlfriend he's been behaving just pushing the home time.
But mainly because he's doing what he wants.
I have to admit at the school he got kicked out of there where teachers he wouldn't push the bigger built then him he was fine with.
I have 4 children and only 1 of them are like this and they where treated the same with rules. So I don't believe its my fault he's like this. My first child was a icsi/ivf child she is now 16 and was due to do her gcses this year but can't but her mocks where 6s and 7s that was without revision. She had a email from collage yesterday about starting doing some work for the courses she's doing when she can go back. She doing a advanced medical course she wants to work for the NHS. My 12 year old started year 7 in September never got to go his parents evening cancelled a few weeks ago and my youngest he's non verbal uses signs and is really good with computers.
Hoping today he stays home.

Oh OP,I really feel for you.
My 18yr old,although staying in and complying to rules can be horrid and is regularly mean to my 12yr old son.
He has been so rude to me and made the house atmosphere so bad at times that the only thing I could do was go in for a hug,tell him I love him and be exta kind to him. It's worked so far this week. He has softened.
Good luck .

Smash his phone and cut up all his clothes

WTF? Hope that's a joke.

OP, this is obviously a challenging time for many and I feel for you. I think it's important to look at the positives in this situation as there are some.

He's indoors and you know where he is. He isn't engaging in risky behaviour and isn't into drugs, drink or criminal activity. It also sounds like as long as he gets what he wants, his behaviour is actually ok. Since all he seems to want us being around his GF, things could be a lot worse. He's also not with bored mates looking for trouble.

Also, in terms of your home situation, it sounds like you've got heaps to deal with in terms of supporting your other DC/family atm, so if your DS is elsewhere and safe, at least he's not causing trouble under your feet. Especially since an unhappy DS sounds like a dangerous DS in terms of your other DC.

I know it's not an ideal situation by any stretch of the imagination. But it also could be a lot worse and I think it's easy to forget that when things get very stressful and you're not getting the support you clearly need with him.

My advice would be to help him repair the relationship with the GF's mother (by advising him, not by dealing with her direct- help him to sort out his own mess). And ask the PRU for support. If they're not open over Easter, call social services again if you need more support. And then obviously 999 in an emergency if he attacks anyone.

Hi Kim, this is a massively difficult situation for you, and I feel very strongly that your son's behaviour very probably isn't a reflection of your parenting - he is in a PRU so he has challenges that have been recognised as significant. Can his staff there advise you on good ways of handling this? Can you call your CAMHS team for advice? Locking him out isn't going to help him or you and the rest of the family. I'm wondering if the emotional temperature at home is on super-high - lots of fury and fear from everyone? If that can be dialled down - no recriminations, lighten the atmosphere, talking with him rather than shouting at him - things might improve. Let him use the internet to stay connected with his friends and girlfriend. It's very tough, and made much tougher by the Coronavirus situation. Good luck!

Children who are educated in PRUs are not “horrors” and are highly unlikely to be able to just start managing their behaviour because of CV. If they and their families could sort it overnight, they would have done it years ago.

It sounds really tough OP.

Is there anyone in your wider circle who he has a good relationship with? A school/outside agency mentor? Are you involved with social services at all?

Someone he trusts needs to speak to him regularly- daily if need be. PRUs are brilliant at this sort of intervention, and now he’s suddenly not getting it.

Can you and he talk things through usually, when he’s calm? What’s your relationship with him like in between conflict? What’s his SEMH like? Does he have communication difficulties? Learning needs?

Domestic violence towards his siblings.
How are you protecting your daughter? This calls for advanced help.

.

His key worker rings every day to check and has pass it to a team within school how can help. She rung yesterday and told me to ring the police every time he's goes out. His girlfriends mum that's another problem on Sunday morning I was talking to my son and he told me that his girlfriend and her mother had a argument that morning because the mothers boyfriend lives in Manchester and she wants to go she him while the daughter is at her dad's house. Daugther said if she can go Manchester than she should be allowed to see my son. So on Sunday I think thats why he was out all day.
If his girlfriend was only with her parents and they where sticking to the rules it would be less risk but her mother isn't.

My husband and I have different parenting he says it my fault he's like this because I am soft. I explain the reasons why he can't go out where my husband is just your not allowed out.
The camhs thinks he know how to play people and its just a behaviour problem.
School think he see things black and white no between his key worker thinks hes to good for the pru but other schools in the area won't have him now been to panel twice. He did a isolation at another school for a Monday to Friday lasted 45 minutes before I was rung to pick him up. The head of year 10 said he was rude and called her a fat cow so that school won't have him. Hes in year 10 so hasn't got long at school now.
Thanks for reading

Apologies if I’ve missed this:

Does he have any underlying SEMH condition? Learning difficulty? Any diagnosis of ADHD/Autism etc?

Your husband can move out and take your son if he thinks its so fucking easy

Anyway more carrot less stick? Give him the internet back as long as he stays in

And personally I would report each and every assault on the younger children if the police do nothing I would push for them to do something even to the point of complaining officially the more people allow him to get away with this behaviour the more it validates his belief that its appropriate

Contact social services yourself ask them if they can remove him if he continues to be violent (yes I know they have no resources but ffs you need help here)

Some ridiculous lack of understanding here on how difficult it can be to parent some children, and it's not the fault of the parents. Some children, especially when they hit their teens are awful, no matter how hard you've tried to parent.

I think your hands are tied on this. You can't physically stop him, lock him in or lock him out. He isn't open to reason. He's not in a pupil referral unit for nothing.

If it's possible in the house could he be isolated to his room and a designated bathroom area and away from other family members?

So sorry you're going through this OP I'm afraid I've no advice other than what pp have said, but I did want to help tip the scales with a nice comment against some of the appalling comments on this thread

Domestic violence towards his siblings. How are you protecting your daughter? This calls for advanced help.

Point the op in that direction of that apparent help, because I am sure she would appreciate it. The help isn't there, and having a diagnosis is worse because everyone washes their hands of you.

my husband says it my fault he's like this because I am soft
Kind of sounds like you are tbh.

The camhs thinks its just a behaviour problem.
Yep, sounds about right.

The head of year 10 said he was rude
He is. And dangerous too, if he is carrying a knife.

I have spoke to the police and they said I have to parent my own child
Hope you are getting the message by now.

Either all these people are wrong and you have brought your son up so well that he is a little angel who is just struggling with the lockdown rules and needs the police/PRU/teachers/CAMHS/social workers/anybody but you to tell him what to do, OR perhaps, as they say, his behaviour is a culmination of how he has been brought up throughout his childhood, he has become a little terror who pulls knives on strangers, swears at teachers, and headbutts 12 year olds, and you are only now acknowledging it because the lockdown means you are forced to confront it yourself. Not much any of them can do about it now, sorry.

pocketem
I find your post deeply unpleasant. You don’t offer anything constructive at all. You lump the parenting blame on the OP without questioning the role of her DH (if he is such a marvellous parent why is HIS DS such a problem). If a child reaches the point where agencies are intervening to this level then it is unlikely to be a simple problem.

Yet you sit behind a screen and judge and put the boot in without offering a single constructive suggestion.