Son won't stay in

[Kimpeach22]

Any advice I have a 15 year old son that just won't stay at home. I have a husband with medical problems and a 8 year old with a rare genetic condition.

When we first went into lock down he was willing to stay at home then since Friday he's been dissappearing every day.
I have spoke to the police and they said I have to parent my own child but how do I parent a child that refuses to do any thing I ask.
He attends a pupil referral unit and they have told me to ring the police every time he goes. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice

Kim

I have tried everything with him I have had the social services here 3 times in 3 years doing assessments and said not needed. Had work with child and wellbeing services about 4 12 weeks. His girlfriends mother liked him till she upset him on Sunday and she has since what he can be like now so she said she wants them apart. He doesn't have any where to go doesn't seem to keep friends for long.
He has been since by camhs and they think he knows how to play things to what he wants. He had cbt for 6 weeks
2 weeks ago he told a teacher he would drop her because she took his phone away in school.
He can be a nice lad when he wants and when he's getting what he wants.
I want him to able to see his girlfriend I have told him it's not my rules its the governments. Social services won't help us I rung them on Monday.
I know every service is over stretched.

Report him to council. Someone on our road had police other day twice in one day. Husband was pulled over on way to work today south Yorkshire

I’m sorry OP, you’re being given a really hard time by the armchair experts. I have a 6 foot 14 year old and while he’s compliant about this if he wanted to go out 5 foot tall me couldn’t physically stop him. If he has calmer moments I can only suggest sitting him down and showing him the devastation this virus is causing worldwide.

I lost a colleague this week. 40s, fit and well.

I wish you well.

Inflam you have no idea he 15 and 15 stone at 6ft he towers over me and my husband

I have a 6ft 2 15 yr old who has been going out after hrs. It has resulted in us taking his footwear (locked in the garage) & hiding all sets of keys after he went out and spent all night away somewhere. Internet was taken away initially & that resulted in him going out more. It was put back on after a promise of him staying in but I know he is planning on disappearing again.
Simm cancelled, internet threatened to be cancelled yet still planning on absconding during a lockdown despite his dad being high risk.

What do we do? Are we supposed to tie him to the bed?

Stop with the judgements calling police on incidents at home is what family services tell you to do sometimes these police reports are what get you and your child the help they need. Any child at a PRU or MET is there for a reason and will need extra support at this time than their mainstream peers. Is there a teacher/support worker your ds trusts enough to be able to communicate with him either by phone or email in a way your ds understands and listens to. It's a very difficult situation you are in don't give up keep ringing the necessary authorities and don't be afraid to say how bad it can be you are trying to get the support you need and that is all that matters. As others have suggested it may be easier to let him go see gf and if you feel able to in a way he will listen a gentle reminder about the hand washing etc is he a visual learner sometimes just leaving a simple printout about what's going on where everyone in house can see it and read at their own time and pace might be more helpful than direct conversation. You do whatever works for your family and don't be afraid to reach out it is showing you care and want the support.

This is so hard for you. Have you tried speaking to his key worker at the PRU for support?
Bear in mind lots of the people with advice haven't been through teenage angst so don't let the perfect people get to you.
I don't know. Speaking as much as you can and letting him have internet access because what does it matter? Bottom line, it's down to health. I just really really feel for you.

@Kimpeach22 at the risk of sounding unkind, do you think this is a situation where you need to ask SS to take him into care for some time? He’s violent and aggressive and hurting your 12 year old son. Head butting isn’t normal and I feel very sorry for you and everyone else in your home if they’re living in fear of your son.

@Kimpeach22 lock him out not in. When he is out the house phone the police and tell them you are not letting him back in as you are scared of him. They will push and push you to let him in but do not back down!

The police have a duty of care and will call SS. Again don't back down no matter what, say you are not having him back in the family home. You have a legal right to hand you child over to SS, under what is called a voluntary order it's called section 20.

He clearly is a danger to you and those in your home. Headbutting a 12 year old? Do log that with the police.

I hope you get more support in real-life. Just because the police are busy with CV does not mean you are wasting their time calling them. They are always busy anyway. Again I repeat they will push you to take your son back in, refuse point blank. Let SS get involved now. They have to take everyone's safety into account. Your son headbutting a 12 year old is not acceptable. Also pulling a knife on a 8 year old? Tell SS everything.

Parents who haven't yet parented a teenager have no idea what it is like.
Once they are physically bigger than you they know they have extra power.
They are kids but they are bigger then you and will not doing what you want them to is that is their mood that day.

I have sympathy for you OP but no answers.

But this is not the first time i have seen parents of younger children think they know better, they are in for a shock, possibly.

I know it's controversial, but someone I know had a daughter doing the exact same, and the mum live streamed her on Facebook, told everyone her daughter was being selfish and refusing to stay in and was putting people in danger and by the end of it the daughter was so embarrassed she backed down... controversial like I say, but it worked x

Can you change tac and treat him like the grown up he thinks he is and talk to him about the current situation, explain how scared you are and ask for his help?

I am fortunate my 16 YO listens to me because if he didn’t there would be fuck all I could do to stop him. He is over 6ft and sporty. He spent an hour lifting weights this afternoon (more than many adult men could manage). If he decided he was walking out of the house there is no way I could stop him.
So stop telling the OP to control him. At this age it’s parenting by consent. If he won’t cooperate there is very little physically the OP can do.
OP I would try talking to him to see if there are any compromises to be found but ultimately if he keeps being violent in your home then you have to get the police involved again.

Put the internet back on.
Find/borrow a tent and put it up outside the front door, put his quilt and pillow and whatever soft stuff in it, a coat, some food and drink and lock your door, let him get on with it.
Make a flask of tea/coffee (or wrap a bottle in foil) and put it outside In the mornings. If you make a meal then cover his in foil and put it outside.
You are not going to get any help from any outside sources at the moment.
So long as he can get the internet he'll be fine in his den.

The ignorance on this thread is unbelievable.

If a child is at a PRU, then clearly they are beyond the realm of what normal parenting and behaviour management can deal with. Even school have failed to manage this child's behaviour! It doesn't matter how they arrived at this point- this is the situation right now!

OP- if your child is has been referred to a PRU then I am assuming he has an EHCP and is entitled to attend school or the PRU during this time. If he refuses school then surely you can ge EWOs or Social services involved.

I'm not sure what the procedures should be but hope you can get the help you need and support.

Ignore the judgy idiots on this thread- they clearly live in a bubble, and keep pushing for your Ds to be supported to comply to the lockdown and keep phoning the police if necessary.

Can he stay with you and have gf stay too? I guess that’s why he’s going out.

what Tea Yes said. do that.
you have the rest of your family and yourself to protect.
he is the one causing problems, he has to go.
people suggesting you have a cosy chat, gentle hints, govt advice etc frankly dont know what they are talking about. this is a youth, the size of a large man, who pulls out a knife on people. he doesnt care about rules or how things affect other people, their fears, or welfare.
remember OP, your other children may blame you later on for not protecting them from him. many estrangements start like that.
call social services, tell them he is beyond control, a danger to the children. enumerate the assaults he has perpetrated.
also he will not take kindly that his girlfriends mother, quite rightly having seen his violent side, will not allow any more interaction.
you are living with a powder keg. get him out.
contact your local councillor and or MP if necessary.
dont be proud. dont feel you are being uncaring. you have to keep your other children safe. good luck.

I know it's not ideal but no solution to this problem would be:
If you're reasonably well-off, could you not go and stay in a hotel or an air bnb or with relatives if your family is 100% isolating and the people you stay with would also be, it might reduce risk to you and your vulnerable family. (and leave your son at home alone?) - it probably would enable his awful behaviour even further but at this stage, it's more important to keep the vulnerable people in your family safe as it really is a case of life and death.

or you could pay for him to live in a hotel, air bnb etc. until this lockdown is over so he can go out all he likes without endangering the rest of you.

ChilliMayo apart from the fact the OP's son is still a child, do you really think he's going to just settle down in his little tent and shout 'Goodnight mummy' through the window?

Or do you think he might kick off and bang and hammer on the door, upsetting his little brother and the rest of the household and neighbours?

If a child is at a PRU, then clearly they are beyond the realm of what normal parenting and behaviour management can deal with. Even school have failed to manage this child's behaviour! It doesn't matter how they arrived at this point- this is the situation right now!

90% of the children I have encountered within a PRU are there because of poor parenting and upbringing.

@Pentium85- yes, so what is tour point? Even if this child is behaving like this as a result of poor parenting, do you expect the OP to just turn it around now and undo the whatever happened in the last 15 years because someone on MN says 'why are you calling the police, parent your child!' ?

Lock him in. Kide keys.
If he goes out a window. Lock him out. How disrespectful.

Sorry ignore me. Hadn't rtft. Good luck

You can't lock 15 year olds in! He could be aggressive, he's probably bigger than the Op, he could destroy the house, he's probably capable of breaking the doors down! Get real!

His girlfriends mother liked him till she upset him on Sunday and she has since what he can be like now so she said she wants them apart.

She liked him until she upset him? What does that even mean?

The problem is, this situation didnt start with the corona virus. He would have being doing as he pleased for years before this. This isnt new behaviour from him. Just op can’t ignore it anymore. Impossible to get some change in behaviour at this stage. Boundaries and consequences should have always been in place.

I do feel sorry for you, Kimpeach. I have no idea how you can physically stop your son going out if he is determined to do so but could you persuade him to isolate himself indoors so as not to risk contaminating the rest of the family? If you put that to him, adult to adult (even though he isn't yet 'adult'), he might respond favourably. It's worth a try.

Don't take the internet away from him, that will drive him away even more.

Good luck.