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So confused re FIL - handhold please?

233 replies

EchoLocation · 28/03/2020 16:24

Sorry this is long...

Ten days ago my FIL (75, lives alone 50 miles away from us, very active and healthy) came down with coronavirus symptoms. He didn't call DH until day 4 and we encouraged him to call 111; by then he wasn't eating and did not sound good.
A doctor came out early on day 5 and prescribed antibiotics for a chest infection. FIL thought he had also tested for COVID-19.
Day 6 he felt a bit better and ate something.
Day 7 he felt awful again and didn't get out of bed. We called 111 but there was a mix up and we were promised a call back which never happened. At this point we were waiting for the COVID test to be negative so DH could go and look after him - we then found out FIL had been confused about this and he hadn't been tested after all.
Day 8 he seemed confused, didn't know what day of the week it was or what was going on. My DH called 111 who sent an ambulance and he was taken in.
We eventually got though to A&E who told us he was being admitted but couldn't give us any details but said he "probably has coronavirus".
Day 9 we managed to speak to FIL on his mobile and he seemed ok. A nurse on the ward said they were still waiting for results of tests, inc for COVID-19. From what I gather, he is on a general geriatic ward so this is worrying itself.

Anyway today, day 10, DH called the ward. The results are still not back but the nurse has said FIL has spiked another fever, he has fluid on his lungs and basically we need to prepare ourselves for the worst. She even said he has signed to say he doesn't want respiratory support if it's required.
The really confusing part is DH then spoke to FIL on the phone and he sounded ok-ish?? He said he's got no trouble breathing, just feels weak and shaky, he was grumpy about his uncomfortable hospital bed and kept saying he couldn't wait to get home. He certainly does not sound like he's a death's door, but then we are not medically trained. Do people tend to go down hill very quickly in these circumstances?
We are really aware of how much pressure the staff at the hospital must be at the moment so don't want to keep ringing but we are just so confused and don't feel like we have any answers. It is SO hard not being able to go to him. We just don't know what to do with ourselves, we keep swinging between feeling like it can't be that bad and fearing the worst.
Has anyone been through similar? Any advice?
Sorry if this is garbled, I can't think straight atm.

OP posts:
Knocksomesense · 30/03/2020 16:53

This virus is so bloody horrible. I have you and your family in my thoughts. Wishing you all the best

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 30/03/2020 17:03

Thinking of you Flowers

scotnurse · 30/03/2020 17:03

Very sorry to hear about your situation. I don't want to make this situation anymore difficult but just to prepare you, up in Scotland most hospitals have new rules that no visiting is allowed in any circumstances for COVID positive patients including End of Life Care. Might be an idea to prepare your husband for that in case it becomes the rule down South.

KindleAndCake · 30/03/2020 17:12

This is heart breaking to read, my thoughts go out to you and your family BlushThanks

Libertylee · 30/03/2020 17:16

Very, very sorry for you all.

PegasusReturns · 30/03/2020 17:23

I’m so sorry. I hope your DH is able to see his dad.

EchoLocation · 30/03/2020 17:25

Thank you everyone.

@scotnurse we heard an hour ago that the rules came in today here too, no exceptions :(
They are going to try and get FIL on the phone later but I suspect he won't be strong enough.
No proper goodbye, no proper funeral.
It's fucking horrible.

OP posts:
MrsH2002 · 30/03/2020 17:30

I’m so sorry, you and your family are in my thoughts Flowers

scotnurse · 30/03/2020 17:31

I'm sorry to hear that. I work in ITU/HDU here in Scotland and the most difficult part of the whole crisis has been how upset relatives have been when they can't say goodbye. We have been using our portable ward phones to tuck in next to the patients so that relatives can at least say everything they want to say.

myfav · 30/03/2020 17:34

I'm so sorry op. I hope they get him on the phone, even if he's too weak to communicate I'm sure it'll bring him great comfort to hear his family on the phone.

SirChing · 30/03/2020 18:12

Oh OP, I am so sorry. Please know that passing without family there doesn't mean he will pass alone. Nurses will be there reassuring him with kindness and love. They do the same for patients as they would do for their own family. Someone will be with him, holding his hand. Phoning if you can't visit, so he can hear you all send him love is something that few people regret doing.

He Will be looked after with dignity, love and care, I promise Flowers

It's so horrible about the funerals but there is no reason why you can't have a huge celebration of your FIL's life once this is over. Your FIL will totally understand why not many people can be there at his funeral. You may be able to film it to put online, but if you can't, I bet he knows that love doesnt give a damn about location, and if you ask all those people who would have gone to his funeral to think of him at that time, then he has just the same amount of love sent his way.

Lots of hugs and prayers for you and yours OP. Don't worry about homeschooling the kids at the moment. It's the least important thing. Just be together and love each other Flowers

Parkandride · 30/03/2020 18:15

Fuck this is brutal I'm so sorry OP, I feel quite teary on your behalf for this first time since this started. I hope your DH can pass on some phone wishes Flowers

LetTheCabbagesDie · 30/03/2020 18:21

Oh gosh, this is so heartbreaking. Sending you virtual hugs SadThanks

madmumofteens · 30/03/2020 18:25

So very sorry OP to hear about your FIL 💐 xx

Noworrieshere · 30/03/2020 18:31

I am so sorry. All we want is for our loved ones to have a good death, to be able to be with them and hold their hand. That's the biggest tragedy of this whole thing, that we are cheated out of saying goodbye and being there. Your poor fil, I'm sure the nurses are being kind to him. Sending love and prayers

picklemewalnuts · 30/03/2020 18:33

I'm so sorry OP!

When the time comes, perhaps you can plan a big party to send him off, albeit belatedly.

Elliania · 30/03/2020 18:42

So sorry for you, your DH & all your FIL's friends, family & loved ones.

If it helps to consider this, could you have a celebration of FIL's life (if he does pass) once things are more back to normal? You could maybe plan it for around his birthday or something similar - then all the people who knew & love him can get together to honour his memories.

In the short term, again if he does pass, are there any causes or charities he supported? You could ask for small donations to those to honor FIL's memory for now. Just ideas to maybe help you feel a loss of a goodbye maybe a tiny bit less keenly?

Inkpaperstars · 30/03/2020 18:57

I am so very sorry Echo.

Camopetals · 30/03/2020 18:59

@Scotnurse That is so touching, you should be proud of your humanity

katew355 · 30/03/2020 19:05

This is heartbreaking and is the true reality of what is happening. So sorry for you all xxx

wildcherries · 30/03/2020 21:29

This is heartbreaking. I'm so, so sorry for you and your family.

wildcherries · 30/03/2020 21:32

@scotnurse We have been using our portable ward phones to tuck in next to the patients so that relatives can at least say everything they want to say.

This brought me to tears. Thank you for everything you are doing.

zelbazinnamon · 30/03/2020 21:37

I’m so sorry OP.

HavelockVetinari · 30/03/2020 21:38

I'm so sorry, I'm praying for your FIL and for you and your family. Flowers

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 30/03/2020 21:39

Oh OP. This is absolutely horrible.