30s TTC - Our BESH GussetWatch Ever, With Guest Star Joe Mangel!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, you raddled old caaaaahs, whotchoo waitin' for?

I've gone for a groovy 60s psychedelic theme, so get your fat upper arms comfy in the hanging globe chairs and hide your mememe shame in the glow of the lava lamps!

Russell Howard is our new bartender, although I don't think he's happy at the flares 'n' kipper tie outfit I've forced him to wear. And of course, Mitchell is in the pit, nervously awaiting his first guest.

Let's make this one diffalicious!

Musical, I think you are right. I find that the longer this TTC malarchy lasts the more I think I should do this or that, but the fact is that superfertiles around me just get diffed on sex drugs and rock n' roll. Given I ain't even all that bad on my health, apart from (shock, horror) coffee, I really do not think this is an underlying cause. Though what do I know. Need to loose some weight, though a colleague is sitting next to me with a bagfull of Revels.

PerfectDrone it is funny when you look at the London map: tory circle around the labour core, apart from that spike coming in from the West. Labour slaughtered LibDems in our constituency. When is ivf so I can clench fists in unison with poisonous? PoisonTail thanks for hangin' in the library and good luck with da cam. I am going to see a really unpleasant GP re. jizz results tomorrow morning and the referral to the FC. Will letya all know how it goes.

I think I am going to gradually give up coffee. I have already kinda given up the booze as it seems to give me an instant migraine... and I have exams coming up.

Arial ha, ha re. Cleggy. Well, he is in an unenviable position. I soooooo hope Vincy is part of the government. (Tis his B-Day today - who's the bigger stalker now!?)

AFternoon ladies.

I too like the stick-on heat pads for mild period pain; thankfully, it's been a long time since the debitilitating, day-off-a-month stuff that I used to get.

Just out of interest, how many of us are Guardian readers?

My MIL claims she only reads the Daily Mail for the TV guide, I dont' think she realises it is right wing, which frankly terrifies me. We're contemplating getting them a subscription to the Radio TIme so she no longer has an excuse to the buy the DM.

I think it would be too easy going insane trying to do everything you're supposed to. Everything in moderation.

With that in mind I am having a large slice of cake and watching Pineapple Dance Studios.

we're having a dry week, and it is also SWI time shortly, so probably not a bad idea. I've been on predominantly decaff (when at work) for the last year or so.

I wants cake. I should really eat healthier, a bit off the wagon due to exams. Talking of Ruagdian, hubby joined their health club. Let's see how that works out. Oh yes: Guardian reader hand up. As I write. Though more relating research at the mo. MIL Torygraph reader. (I thought as you mentioned yours I'd mention mine!)

Ok biashes! I am leaving da library! No more boring talk of coffee, food and what haveya! Byproduct of being in a library. What a geeeeeeeek! I am jumping into the pit for a little warm up with Mitchell. Coming up to SWI time and I think I may just start tonight! I am sure you all wanted to know that . Sorry Scorp I know you don't want to hear of my adventures, but your time is coming soon! (I almost fear for your toyboy.)

Come on man! CH is meant to pick me up so we can use what we have left of Sunday. Never mind, I'll harass Mitchell in the meantime. Would it be too perverse if we put Cleggy in the pit with Mitchell?

Another hand up to being a Guardian reader. Well, I buy it on a Saturday and it takes me all week to read it, does that count? No idea what MIL reads, FIL reads the FT and the P and J which has no concept of news south of Dundee.

I haven't had to think about giving up caffeinated things for TTC cos I don't drink any of them to start with. Chocolate is necessary for life and so doesn't count as caffeine! Am drinking less alcohol but haven't cut it out completely, although we don't drink masses to start with, not that you'd think it if you asked MIL who thinks all her children and anyone associated with them are alcoholics .

I read a range of publications but I'm not a daily paper reader. When I do get them, it's either the Independent, Observer or the Guardian or even the Times depending on the front cover and what's been happening in the world of sport recently. So, like the LibDems, neither one nor t'other but somewhere in between

I am watching a programme called Toddlers and Tiaras, about pageants. I am getting really quite judgey about the whole thing. But also cackling at the woman who says "I'm not a pageant mom, I have a background in child pyschology" while she gets fake teeth for her daughter.

No, there I am being judgey again. But she's this adorable little redhaired girl, and she doesn't need hairpieces or fake teeth.

And oh my god no they're fake tanning these 6 year olds. Aaaargh.

Noooo. They're fake tanning the redhead! Leave the redhead alone! We don't want to tan. Redheads should be pale.

Another Guardian reader here (as if anyone didn't know already!). Lifelong one too, as parents have always read it. Have tried other papers, but think it's the best. ILs just get The Sunday Times for the entertainment factor of the Culture section and all that - they're not bothered about news so much. Mein Papa has Very Specific Thoughts about people who aren't interested in news. But, seeing as the ILs have no interest in meeting my family or even visiting our flat, then I don't have to worry about clashes.

Yep, we've been living together for over 18 months and they've never wanted to visit once or meet my folks. And FIL works with TYF and MIL visits her sister regularly, who lives 30 mins away, so geography is not the issue. Go figure!

I know I've moaned about this in the past, but I still think it's ridiculous and insulting and not normal. My Grandparents all got on like a house on fire and wanted both sides to be one big happy family, so find it weird. Sorry for turning this into an IL rant.

That does seem a bit odd, Scorp. I am incredibly lucky that both sets of parents get on really well, which makes Christmas etc much easier.

Oooops, didn't see your bit about reading papers, Aries - comment about my Dad's opinions on non-daily readers of news not directed at you in any way!

Actually I was really offended.

Nah, wasn't really

I have odd in laws too, Scorps. They have never taken to me, because I like to talk about things other than celebrity culture and Dancing on Ice, to name one reason. I also have quite a short fuse with people I find ridiculous and I have lost my temper with MIL on a couple of occasions. They once went nearly two years without coming to see us, despite us going up there a few times. I think our major sin in their eyes is that we have no children. Their major sin in my eyes is that they are Daily Mail readers. My other main frustration with them is that they are both intelligent people and they completely waste their potential intellect and they have no interest whatsoever in other people. Conversation with them just grinds. And they have no interest in my family whatsoever, but I suppose they do live 200 miles apart and have no reason to meet.

On the other hand they can be weirdly, randomly generous. And after 10 years I am grudgingly fond of them. I suppose. After a fashion.

PIL rant over.

Oh and here's another reason why I do not relate to my MIL. When I went to visit my sister in That London, I was due to arrive in the evening in Brixton and she said something along the lines of "Watch you don't bump into people". When I enquired why I should do such a thing as I have excellent eyesight, she said "Well, you won't be able to see them in the dark."

Sorry, I'm cluster-posting.

Can everyone wish me luck for tomorrow morning? Just wish me luck!

LAST POST OF THE NIGHT.

Mountie I think it would be an interesting experiment to put Cleggy in the Pit with Mitchell. I'd have a go

LAST POST OF THE NIGHT! (Buahaha!) I can't see what would be so wrong with a Mitchell-Clegg sarnie down in the Pit. In fact, I can only see what's right with the idea...

Arie-fairie am and at MILs casual racism. Am lucky ILs never come out with that stuff... although whether that's because they're not prejudiced or just that racism would count as emotional expression, which must be avoided at all times, I don't know. The reason they're not into the news is because, and I shit you not, 'it's not nice'. Everything must be calm and pleasant at all times and no feelings must be evoked, experienced or, god forbid, expressed, lalala, I can't hear you. MIL told me off once for saying '... and that's why I love him' about TYF, as 'there's no need for all that nonsense'. I also get told off by her for saying 'bugger' - which is a bit hard, seeing as bugger is a substitute for @60% of actual words when you're from Derbyshire.

Contrast this with phone calls with my parents - I often pick up the phone to hear '[NAME]! Turn the fucking thing off, I can't hear myself speak, you tw... oh, hello darling! Your father was just being an arsehole. How are you, my treasure?' And so on

(Disclaimer: my Mum is v middle-class with beautiful manners. She's also fabulously eccentric without realising it)

Morning ladeez.

Sorry for the droid arrival one & all. Tis proper shit.

scorps you're nearly there with your SWI. You've done so well. Brave little soldier.

gin how's the tooth this morning? Are you in fact still alive after that many painkillers? Tis impressive stuff.

So, question of the day. How do you seductively & casually mention using Conceive Plus Lube when you're part way through SWI? Am nervous in case the boyf just hears "lube" & starts thinking wrong hole.

It did not go well last night. We were just starting, I mentioned using the "ahem, y'know "stuff" (Queen of dirty talking). So, boyf fumbled with tube in the dark, couldn't get lube out.

Tip: Remove the tricky little bit of foil covering hidden under the screw top beforehand.

The boyf ripped some of the foil off, leaving the tiniest bit left, which obviously still covered the tube opening, swore & threw the tube across the room.

Thankfully we still managed to get the bizniz done, but we were both sulking.

I took the rest of the tricky bastard foil off this morning so as not to have a repeat performance of last night. Lube is runnier than I thought & squirted all over my work trousers.

Tip-top!

Have also already had to step in between 2 hairy arsed seamen (phnar) having a row in the office this morning.

On a paper reading note - my dad had to work on a Sunday, just to unlock the bank as there were builders in. So he bought some newspapers to read. He likes his sport & wanted a comprehensive round up of Saturday sporting results.

He bought the Sunday Sport!

aries good luck for this morning.

(I've only scanned weekend posts - whatcha up to this morning that requires luck?)

People - fancying Nick Clegg is WRONG! Wrong, d'ya hear?! He's nearly as oily looking as DC and he seems to be doing his damnedest to get the Tories into power. Ugh.

Parents and in-laws are all Daily Mail readers. Why? Why doesn't everyone see it for the racist misogynist wank it is? My mum claims she only gets it for the puzzles - I have offered to buy her a big crossword book and burn the DM but to no avail Otherwise in-laws are luvverly (is no-one else terrified of getting found on here one day and having all their posts read out over Christmas dinner or something )

G'Luck for this morning Aries luvva. Should I know what the lucks are for?

My ILs are perfectly nice, and they get on well with my aged Ps, but my MIL is the most spectacularly silly woman I have ever met. It's not stupidity, it's SILLINESS, which is both less awful and awfuller than anything else in the whole world. I cannot be with them longer than 48 hours at a stretch, and even that is a trial. However, this may be in part because I am a right caah.

Both (devoutly Christian) ILs and Ps read either nothing or the Torygraph or the Daily Heil. I despair and on the rare occasions when my Ps are prepared to have a proper conversation (which, incidentally, is NEVER over fucking dinner, which is another story of pain and frustration)I end up yelling things like "Jesus was a Socalist!" and "Have you never heard of the Earl of Shaftesbury, numb-nuts?", and so on, which never gets me anywhere, oddly.

In other, more gussetly news: the mid-cycle spotting I have had the last two months has not appeared this month. This month we only managed to SWI the once, and so conception was unlikely. The previous two months we SWI'd a lot. This leads me to suspect the spotting was implantation bleeds followed by mmcs. However, I'm not DWELLING, as I have all the tests going on etc., so no use trying to second-guess it all.

Meanwhile I have a) an academic deadline, b)working deadlines, c) a wedding speech to write, and d) career-change shenanigans to panic about, so my mind ain't on things baybee-related, as they ought to be. Intend to get on it with renewed vigour next cycle.

Am chortling at Lorry's lube-licious anecdotery!

Oh yes, am terrified mas.

In fact I once dreamt that someone made a film out of our freds, & journos were trying to find out the real life people it was based on. So called friends said "well such-&-such sounds like my friend laurie".

However, we all came round to the idea & had a big BESH meet on the red carpet

Am loving the BESH red carpet moment!

Aries, Huuuuuuge luck! Sorry I didn't say so last night - was shamefully on a IL-rant roll

LaurieLubeLegs - I sympathise. If you're worried about 'ruining the moment' by whipping out the lube to apply to yourself, try acting like it's a 'treat' for yer fella, lather up your hands with it and give him a bit of a slippy wank beforehand. But don't indulge him for too long, as that SWI-friendly lube does dry up quite quickly.

On a serious note, if you need lube, you need lube and the boyf should be sensible about it, not get grossed out or impatient. Here endeth my pontificating.

Bangers, if your spotting was mid-cycle, would it not be an ovulation bleed? Or was it after you ovulated? I just rilly hope it wasn't implantation 'n' MMCs, you poor thing.

The sex draught is taking its toll - had an orgasm in my sleep last night! Now that's what I call a GOOD night's sleep!

Nah Score, I don't fink so (though would love to hope so). It was about 6 days after ovulation, and methinks it too much of a coincidence that when there was a lot of shagging around optimum shagging conditions there was also le spottage...

Still. I shall be British about it, ie, suppress my feelings and pretend it isn't happening until I one day have a breakdown in the Marks & Spencer's knicker aisle and have to be led shrieking into the manager's office for a cup of tea and a Valium

Ah yes, sleepy orgasms. And never about appropriate folk...