Mid 30s TTC - Simply The BESH... BESHer than all the rest!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, ladies. I've had a widescreen telly installed and there's a big cupboard full of 80s teen movies if anyone's interested. New and more secure cages for our prey are being delivered soon. There's a big picture of a desert over the bar, a loudly ticking clock in the corner and bowls of raisins, currants and sultanas on every table; everything the discerning BESH could ask for...

PS - Am off to listen to Menopausal neighbour for a couple of hours. May take some time to reply...

Have had glass (read 3) of wine to prepare. Needless to say this means I have to make my usual announcement "I f*cking love you guys" (and would be institutionalised without you) xxx

Just in case you thought I was wet behind th'ears dressinggown it is I, trog. I have an anti-DM name so's I'm not quoted

Extreme! Come to my loving arms! Virtually everyone had a babyfail this month, so you're in good company And what shit timing re: your job letdowns. At least you haven't broken your bloke's cock like my arid, ancient snatch did I have been disguising my tears of madness as hayfever and will be transitioning into pretending they're due to a cold in a few weeks. We overemotional BESHes need to at least fool ourselves that we have some dignity, do we not? And don't be silly and lose too much weight - apart from the fact that I've seen pics and you are blimmin' slinky and gorgeous, skinniness is worse for fertility than a bit of flubber. Or at least that's what I tell myself

BTW, Cunty is Trog in disguise.

Well, I'm OVing or about to: FFJ, perviness, filth-mind, etc., etc. But TYF is out of action and this will be a late OV AGAIN . Metal Mickey due for an unwanted visit on Sunday 4th Oct, which gives a too-short luteal phase... AGAIN. Or a short cycle and mid-cycle OV, depending on whether R2D2 actually starts on first show of 'anything' or on first day pf proper bleeding. Why does every medical source say summat different on the matter? Aarrrgh! Incidentally, TYF is playing a PS3 game called 'Afro Samurai' - do you think he's ready and mature enough for fatherhood?

Laurie - good to hear you're okay, sorry to hear about yer man's wonky cerberus sperms. If it's any help, the DH of a friend of mine was told he had crap quality sperm, but he asked for a 2nd opinion and that time it was normal - no explanation was given as to why such a disparity, but they have 2 DC now, so it's immaterial. BTW, break the news to him gently - when you pass him the jaffa oranges, don't forget to placate him by saying 'but remember - small ones are more juicy'

Xpost on the Trog. I like to think you revealed your true identity in the fashion of 'It is I, LeClerc', like off 'Allo 'Allo.

I am tragic.

But gorgeous

True.

BESH love-in. Will make up for a busted frenulum any day of the week

Excellent. Glad to hear I am not the only one who hath damaged significant others "special places".

Have just had too much wine with menopausal neighbour. Decided to leave when we both ended up making each other bawl. Misery instantly medicated away by inappropriate perving from Scorp and general "there-ness" of the other sexy besh creatures.

Note to All: Am not slim. Simply choose to only post pictures of self where chins are hidden. Proves most difficult now, so tend to only post images over two years old. The breeding related drinking has played havoc with my figure! I am beautiful (read withered and dry) on the inside

Scorp freakness of our in-tune-ness again.

I too was a stylist for a time. Was after working for well known fashion designer type male. Unfortunately the previously well documented breakdown happened around same time, so my blossoming career was wiped out at the same time as all other hopes for the future!

Needless to say I am no longer known for being the most stylish gal in town. I no longer have the money for it, nor do I have the inclination. My dressing gown is extremely comfortable and my hairy-ness is considered quite chic in France.

I so admire your willingness to buck convention gownface. Be alert for anything resembling ridicule and contempt in the DM though for being less than fully made up and hair-free at all times. My advice is to re-christen yourself something they would never print. Like cunty or something.

cunty funfuckfucking cunty cunt fuckfunky cunting fuckfun

at extreme - I too only post photos from the past or where I've managed to cunningly pose to look slim (praise be to dance background for being able to twist body freakishly and still look natural and relaxed) or from above the neck only. Sadly, I was only a personal stylist to bored bints with lotsa cash and no taste; nothing as glam as you . Having put weight on that won't disappear a few years ago (the main reason fuelling my perimenopause fretting, as I eat sensibly and work out) I get so depressed not being able to 'work' the outfits I want to cos I look like a manatee in a frock. Saying that, I did rock some bright yellow tights the other day (going for a 'wrong 60s schoolgirl' look) and felt fab.

I don't do body hair topiary and slob around the house in really crappy clothes or nightwear, so again, we are in sync in our rubbishness

Who is this designer? Tell all! Or msg me secretly on FB - I won't say owt to anyone else. And I hear ya about future plans being shot to pieces - wanted to be a performance artist when I was younger (yes, pretentious, but meh) but getting seriously ill at 21 put paid to that... or any real career, as I moan about on here far too often. But my real goal has always to be a mum, so I'm not giving up on that one. Am I, my pretties? Is it okay if I pretend they're real for a while?

PS Cunty, you're worrying me now. Let's see; husband locked in cupboard, lesbian fantasies and explosive swearing... no, that sounds pretty normal. Carry on. My mistake.

Am feeling really horny and moist. WHY IS HIS COCK BROKEN? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?

Fear not Scorpy , TOF's man toy will deffo not be a joytoy on his return. We practically had to put a splint on it this morning, and no doubt when he returns from the comedy fest it will be equally displeased to see me.

God be with the days when practical strangers who barely knew my name could've impaled me with their weapons. Nobody warns you that when you find the man of your dreams and they hang around for more than five minutes that you both find much more joy in each others loving arms than in screaming FASTER COWBOY... FASTER!!! (followed by "Sorry I've forgotten your name so cowboy will have to do") Me bad

Having said that, if I didn't love him so I would be tempted to go get myself diffed up by some random (yet attractive) complete stranger.

Has anyone else heard about the fact that one builds up an immune system to significant others love juice? I heard that years ago. Perhaps thats why most of the folk I know who have impregnated with ease have either been of the girl on girl persuasion or have used some sort of barrier to protect them from evil swimmers. Or they just didn't have much of a sex life

Scorpette My sister never managed a career despite taking the uni prize in her discipline. She trotted off to the city but was only ever able to hold down a job for 6 months at a time, then 3 months on a beach in Thailand, lather, rinse, repeat for 5 years. Then she went back and lived with my parents for 4 years and in the last 12 months has re-trained as a teacher. As possibly the most selfish, uncaring, ungiven woman I have ever met I'd like to advocate the option of home-schooling. But it just goes to show Scorps, not all doors are closed just because you're a flake.

Ya bunch of whooooooores! I ain't nivvah done any Cowboy Thing with strangers - this may well be connected to my teetotalism. And I ain't nivvah felt the need to impress with a dazzling array of sexy skills, neever - I've just always laid there and thought 'you're lucky to get me, mate - now lick harder'. Besides, TYF gives me the best sex of my life, so he was well worth the wait (before TYF, I went out with a twat for 7 yrs who was shit in bed and never wanted any - we had it twice in the last 3 yrs of the relationship. Arsehole).

Although I ain't getting any sex of any description at the mo because of cause he is brokened right as I'm snail-trailing FFJ in my wake and have the raging speedhorn and a imaginary neon sign above my head that says 'FERTILE WOMAN - FUCK ME NOW'. Am already tormenting myself with the ludicrous notion that this is my last ever egg and it will be squandered.

extreme, I read about thing where women's bodies become hostile to familiar sperm, which does genuinely account for people getting knocked up via a one-night-stand or at the start of a relationship. Every time TYF is mellow and all 'relax, it'll happen' to me, I screech, 'but if my body gets familiar to your sperm, it'll just kill it instead of letting it get to the egg, waaaaah'. I'm a joy to be with.

Ski, thank you, that was v reassuring (and believe me, my Mum would write me a recommendation on a CV, if I let her), but you have ruined my faith in you by not knowing who Kim Deal is. Go straight to wikipedia, do not pass Go, do not collect £200. And surely you must have heard or seen this back in the day:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AsId-qVIb4

She's the one in the white shirt. And yes, that's her twin.

'... because of cause of'? Excuse whilst I flog myself with my pedant's cat-o-nine-tails...

Hello BESHes!!

I was a lurker, then briefly became sociable for 5 mins, then went back to lurking for a month or so, but now.... (drumroll) I'm back - because, well, I've got nothing better to do!!

I must say I'm surprised at you ladies. What with you all seeming so sex-savvy considering the amount you're all 'doing it', I was shocked at the amount of cock-breakage going on here. Go gently for goodness sake!

So, me n the mrs experienced yet another babyfail a few weeks ago and the next babyfail is due on Tuesday. Can't wait. Will somebody please put broken glass in my malibu n coke? It'll help me to stay focussed....

Does anyone have any ideas for a better nickname / username for me? The one i've got is a bit... you know...
I was thinking along the lines of CuntyCuntlikeythecunt type of thing.
If I was cool, I'd have a name such as Kimdeal, but as you have to be cool to think up such a thing, I've got no chance.

Also, like ski , I don't know who or what kim deal is .

Anyway, back to my carrot and turnip soup....

Ah, I have just looked up Kim Deal on wikipedia. That is pretty good, actually.

Hi Rainbowmum

I am going to have a think about your new name

How's this?
Too vague?

ha, that's perfect

Fucking fabulous new name, CockDodger. And, ahem, to the point...

Scorpette Be careful with the Agnus Castus - I've read loads about it fucking up your cycle. Seems to be one of those things, like St John's Wort, which is all potent and ting and yet is over-the-counter buyable.

Thanks Camel, am avoiding it from now on. Can't have done much damage, though, cos I'm ovulating stronger than a drunk 14-yr old being felt up round the back of the chippy by 2 hunky brothers.

Cockdodger is indeed an ace name. And guarantees updiffment, I believe

I am reet chuffed right now as I went to Drs on non-TTC matter earlier, but when she asked 'is there anything else?' I blurted out some of my madness. She was really helpful and reassuring, and said that my Gran and Great-Gran having kids in their 40s was really good genetic news for me. She also mentioned some hormone tests I had the other year, as part of a general check-up - I just got told the results were 'fine', but in fact, she said they showed I had the hormone levels of someone nearly 10 yrs younger so I am over the moon about that And as for some BESHpiration, she told me that, although it was totally un-PC to say so, educated, middle-class women are much more likely to be fertile older as we are more settled and healthier, etc., and that the Daily Heil and its ilk were scaremongers (yep, she actually slagged it off - wonder if she's a MNetter?). And she said that she alone has 10 - TEN!- patients who are currently pg (without med intervention) at 45 and over! HUZZAH!

Not that any of us want to wait that long (apart from Pony who is already 76 and trying to be the world's oldest mum ).

Definitely Good News re: amazingness of fertility and hormones. And even better news re: 40s pregnancies. I need to stop reading Nora Roberts (only I can't, it's like some kind of crack cocaine (and how can you resist a romance writer whose nickname is Nora Fucking Roberts because she's such a sweary pottymouth?)) as I'm now convinced that happy families consist of AT LEAST four children and I keep frantically doing maths to work out how many years I have to achieve the perfect Nora family.

I'm following laurie down the road of testing funs - have Day 20ish blood test booked for this Saturday and dildocam on 6th Oct. Joy.

ovary popping or weird? You decide...