Mid 30s TTC - Simply The BESH... BESHer than all the rest!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, ladies. I've had a widescreen telly installed and there's a big cupboard full of 80s teen movies if anyone's interested. New and more secure cages for our prey are being delivered soon. There's a big picture of a desert over the bar, a loudly ticking clock in the corner and bowls of raisins, currants and sultanas on every table; everything the discerning BESH could ask for...

s'alright like - smells a bit of old lady and there's a very curious niff coming from the cupboard above the oven (husband?) but apart from that all very satisfactory thanks

You keep him in a cupboard? Oh how I admire you

Oh it's very straightforward providing there is a lock on the cupboard door and a hole for his john thomas to poke through around OV time...

I meant the old lady's husband, of course. I'm not married

Me Neither. All the best laydees are sluttish harlots living in sin I say. Not that I had a choice in the matter

soooo...old man stinky cupboards eh? Is there a febreeze type thing for that? Or do you need an exorcism?

Thanks for your interest in TYF's groin, Trog It bled again yesterday, so it's babyfail central here for the next however many weeks it takes for it to fully heal . Of course, this now allows me to worry that from now on, he'll be injuring himself every time we SWI.

Gin, you would've enjoyed the Dutch lesson I had a few years ago when we were learning to use the verb 'can'... which is 'kunt' in Dutch. Some prudish old bitch (she was really annoying and thick generally) kept refusing to say it and in the end I just yelled 'CUNT CUNT CUNTYCUNTY CUUUUUUNT! I have one, you have one, it's just a sound you make with your mouth, say it, you stupid cow - CUNT!'. Touch of PMT that night. I might be a worrier, but I'm a blunt, straighforward, Northern worrier

Suppose i should go to bed soon. All crotchety pre-R2D2,getting over a bastard snot-fest of a cold,and haven't had a full night sleep for...ooo about 20 months!

Yes,my son is nearly old enough to buy a round (3's fine surely?!) but still Does Not Sleep Through The Night. That's what you get for being a soft shite nuturing mummy like what I is.

CUUUUNNNT!

scorp scaring old ladies. Have a gold star.

I'm a slutish harlot too!!! The boyf & I did get engaged a few years ago, booked some stuff & everything. Then, eh, un-booked everything & put the ring in my vibrator drawer . But that's a story for another drunken evening.

Well, the boyf is a twat today. He's tired & grouchy. My fault of course - the wind was whipping up a storm last night, HE'D left a window open so everything started rattling like we were going to take off a la Wizard of Oz style. I got up to close window, disturbed him = my fault. I also have hospital appointment at the fertility clinic today which he appears to have forgotten & not said a sodding word. So I'm going to discuss anonymous sperm donors!!!

Nah, I'll casually mention it later & make him feel guilty.

Can you love someone but still think they're a twat?

gin you feeling a bit better this morning? Hope so - those wobbles can catch you unawares every time. Come here so I can smash a telephone in your face.

Brussels-visiting BESH's will have noticed a metro station called "Kunst-Wet" (Arts-Loi). Always gave me the titters as it was my local metrol, even my mum sniggered at that one - bless him, my poor dad didn't get it.

CUNTY I'm so glad you're back - although I'm sorry to hear your bf is in the cupboard - but it's probably for the best.

So in your absence, we all got a babyfail, Scorpette broke a cock, camping was proven to induce R2D2. Bessie passed babymaking though which is very odd because she didn't even use a cock! Which pretty much goes to prove my theory that some women just need to sniff or think about a cock to get diffed.

My lovely jailbait is flying home today with my shopping list extraordinare - Scorps he's also bringing Bisto.

laurielou Yes, I think that's pretty normal. "I love you in spite of the fact you're a real twat about broccoli for example."

As far as donors go, coughs "Scandinavian Cryobank, San Francisco pops to mind...

ginhag I'm sorry you're having the wobbles - I had them a couple of weeks ago, Scorps varies on an hourly basis. Would a dart to the palm help?

I'd take offence, but she's right.

BTW, I think your 'thinking of cock theory' is wrong: if merely thinking about cock got you updiffed, I'd have the Von Trapp family by now. Not a Scorpio for nowt, like It's my lack of usual sexpestery over the last few months that's fuelling my recent perimenopause paranoia (my panic du jour)

scorp I hear you on the early menopause fears. I'd convinced myself that I was heading that way too (very light & short R2D2). That's when I went to the GP & was thrust onto the giddy rollercoaster of blood tests, wank-in-a-pot & fertility appointments.

Shit, the impact of which has only just hit me. I'm feeling sick with nerves at the thought of this appointment. I shall be leaving work in 5 mins. Please think of me.....

GOOD LUCK LAURIE! I shall indeed be thinking about you... and your vibrator drawer I really hope all is well and there's either no probs or at the most, summat small that can easily be sorted

Helloooo all

Got back last week & went straight to France with the folks & siblings & sibling-in-laws and cute 6 yr old nephew. A week with him has truly unshrivelled my ovaries - I'm still not keen on baybees, but warming to the idea of a cute (must be cute) child. However the fella had food poisoning for a week - yes, during Ov week, birthday week, holiday week, exactly perfect fucking timing week, so I was proper (yes OK irrationally) pissed off with him and ended up blubbing on my mum about the m/c and feared barrenness who said all kinds of unhelpful things like 'well that mountain biking won't help' (wtf?) and 'it's probably because you live abroad'.... Anyways, was me BOD on Saturday (thanks for remembering me even when I wasn't here and have been back in the UK visiting various mates so getting truly shitfaced most nights - which again would surely have ensured updiffedness if we'd fucking managed to have fucking sex (hmm, he was 'both ends' for a few days so I guess I can let him off plus it wouldn't have been the pleasantest way to conceive I guess... And today is Visiting Friends With New Babies Day - I have 3 (count em) to go and see so will be interesting what I think of them with all the TTC madness going on. I am happily driving myself nuts with it all but still don't particularly like/want kids....

Anyways headbutts and chinese burns to the babyfailers and nutters - back tonight with possibly up to three more kidnapped babeez...

longwee Yes, our ovaries will only work once our passports have been scanned at Heathrow!

Yes, our ovaries are tuned permanently to Radio 4. Go to a country that can't get The Archers and we have about as much chance of getting pg as Ann Widdicombe does.

Wish I'd not mentioned her now; feel slightly sick.

YAY for longwee! Not-yay for your DH getting so thoughtlessly and selfishly ill. Could he really not manage one feeble erection whilst being in agony? Tssssk, men. Hope you make the most of your time in the UK and ta for the twins - they're lovely

I'm suffering suffering summat similar - am now having lovely, lovely FFJ but TYF is still bleeding from his mangina. Will his youthful supersperm from Sunday avo still manage to updiff me 2 days later? Or would it be so unreasonable to demand he have a gentle wank in a clean pot and then I squirt it up myself with the clever preseed shoot-it-up-yer applicator?

Going too far (don't tell me you lot wouldn't consider the same)?

PS Can you even have a gentle man-wank?

Scorpette I fear TYF might start to suspect that you see him as nothing more than a sperm donor. Very selfish of him obviously to go around snapping his banjo string like that. That sort of thing should be left until you're post-partum - anywhere between 6 hours and 26 years I believe is the norm for not wanting sex.

Trying to catch up. Sorry you're in the same boat as me ski. Bastard droid. and thanks for the baybee weewee. I'll get the fake papers drawn up...

Right ladies, I'm back. On the plus side the doctor was very nice, as was the student who was also present to hear all about my sex life.

He ran through options, obviously none of which I can remember!! IVF waiting list is 13 months, so he's putting us on that as a Z Plan back up (his words). Referring me for dildocam (oh the glamour) just to check tubes are clear, I should have an appointment in a few weeks.

This is where things start to get interesting. He asked if the boyf had been for a wank-in-a-pot appointment. I said yes, results not in. So he rang other hospital immediately. Now, I'm not overly sure whether he should have told me results (does patient confidentiality work with fertility shenanigans?), but he did. The good news is that anything over 20 million - count 'em - sperm is good. The boyf has 59 million. But the average "normal" sperm ie 1 head, 1 tail & swims in a straight line is 5%. The boyf has 3%. So most of his sperms are mongs. Or as the GP so beautifully put it "they have 2 heads, 2 tails or just swim in circles".

The hospital are writing to the GP to recommend the boyf has a repeat test. But apparently nothing to worry about.

So I seem to have the amazing task (bear in mind the boyf doesn't like me today anyway) of telling him he has mostly mong sperm. Amazing.

Assuming my tubes are clear, the GP recommends a dose of Clomid to make me "super-fertile". Yikes. There will then be a 15% chance of twins.

All of a sudden something so "natural" is sounding anything but. Its now making me question the whole thing - maybe its just not meant to be. Maybe - please forgive me for saying this - we wouldn't have a "normal" (whatever that may be) child. The boyf's sister in law had a troublesome PG earlier this year where she had to be induced for a termination (she has already got a healthy little boy). Maybe the boyf & his brother have lower than average "normal" sperm, which could lead to a higher chance of birth defects. Why didn't I think of asking this during my appointment?

Oh, I don't know..........................

Laurielou Well the obvious solution is to waltz in tonight and way "Well, there's nothing wrong with me" and then toss him a bag of Jaffa oranges and packet of Jaffa cakes. He should take the hint.

Or say something like "your mate Dave... he's a handsome man isn't he? Good genes, know what I'm saying babe? Shall we invite him over?"

Mmmm, jaffa cakes. He'll get the point & I get to eat cake. Genius ski.

Laurie - sounds like you need the Pit of Angst and Mr C to yourself today.

Normal is over-rated anyway.

Eat cake - it is the Way Forward.

@ ski - your sympathy knows no bounds

Evening ladies!

I'm back! I actually got back yesterday morning. Attempted to read ALL that was written in my absence, but unfortunately am lazy and gave up after five pages.

What news? Was anyone updiffed in the last 2 weeks?

To fill you in on my news.... well... its been the same ol' shite, different day.

Day of hols got email saying potential freelance job was not happening and potential full time job with company of dreams was also of the cards. They didn't want me, but they didn't want anyone else either. Bum Eggs. Couldn't react at the time as had had an all-nighter producing deigns for freelance job leaving me but one hour to pack bags for two weeks. Slightly stressful and clearly a waste of time. Meltdown happened on foreign pastures.

Clearly no jellybean either. Bollocks. To cut a very long story short...

Brought remaining HPT on hols with me. R2D2 did not arrive on schedule. Managed to last 24hrs before I tested. Test said NADA. Had to wait another 2 days for R2D2 to actually show up. That made R2D2 5 days later than last month. It was all too much. You should all be relieved that you didn't have to listen to the mental thoughts. Luckily a swimming pool was close by, so when the tide of tears made an appearance (daily if not hourly) I was able to disguise them as water on the face or chlorine in the eyes

Am now trying to coax TOF into playtime though it has been hard as we have been either too tired, too dry or can't get it up. He is currently laughing at a comedian elsewhere in the country... no doubt plastered, so methinks this month is a NADA also.

Am so over this malarky. Made a plan on the hols that I would give up TTC 'til christmas so that I could actively work on employment and a body similar to that of Twiggy in the sixties (last achieved when 19 and depressed at finding out Boyf at time was doing me on weekdays and a guy called Duke dans le weekend. Was also during "dancing" phase of nineties, so may well be fooling myself)...

Any new members (part formed or otherwise)? Have spotted Cunts arrival. Glad to see you ... and extremely amused by the name!