Mid 30s TTC - Simply The BESH... BESHer than all the rest!

[Scorpette]

Come on in, ladies. I've had a widescreen telly installed and there's a big cupboard full of 80s teen movies if anyone's interested. New and more secure cages for our prey are being delivered soon. There's a big picture of a desert over the bar, a loudly ticking clock in the corner and bowls of raisins, currants and sultanas on every table; everything the discerning BESH could ask for...

Morning BESH's.

I weighted last night - holy crap I've gained 4lb. How can this be, I've lost at least 2 stone thanks to the heaviest droid ever. A weight gain is just what you need before you expose white flesh to the Thai nation - meh.

La la la - I'm not listening to you chegg I don't want to know abuot the lap & dye thing. Oh sod it, now I'm thinking......

GP didn't mention "lap & dye", he said HSG? HGS? Something like that - tell me that's different & pleasant? But the most disturbing thing of all - SUPER FERTILE AFTER PROCEDURE? Hell's teeth!

Finally - why is no-one else curious or shocked that most of gin's work colleagues have seen her naked? How so?

Weather bit chilly now - time to start adding whiskey to my morning coffee. Medicinal purposes, of course.

Oops, weighed; about

Must use the preview button first. Or cut down on early morning whiskey.

BAH - preview button it is!

laurielou Stick to Thai food and you'll lose a stone easily. Nobody can put on weight in Thailand - except my sister who went to the English bakery every day.

laurie HSG - isn't exactly a dildo cam, it's more like a straw under heatlamps. They inject dye that is able to be picked up by xray and stick you under the xray and do a fluoroscopy while injecting the dye into the ut and tubes. For most people, it's the equivalent of cramping, not very painful.

here's to increased fertility

xx Shine

ooh that sounds about as much fun as lletz treatment - when they cheese-wire out pre-cancerous cells from your cervix. I had lovely silver lumps falling out of me after that.

laurie the most painful thing about such treatments and investigations is the humilation at being legs akimbo with giant lamps illuminating your fanjo, and if we're going to have babies, we're going to have to get used to fanjo exposure. Good luck!

Curly I've read/heard that by the time the baby comes you're inviting in medical students/cleaners to have a look and that you'll show anyone your fanjo. In fact there was a delightful story on here I think it was about a woman at the dentist who was told to "get comfortable" and immediately dropped her trousers.

I'm getting so nervous now they'd be lucky to get a straw up my fango!

I'm pretty rubbish with all things medical. I do manage to have a smear & am usually so proud of myself afterwards for being a brave little soldier!

I like my head being in the sand. I like thinking I'm still 19 years old & I've only just left school. I like my only worry being whether I should drink voddy, gin or whiskey. I like having time to paint my toenails. I like curling up on the sofa with a cup of tea & lusting over the lovely Wentworth Miller in Prison Break - uninterrupted. I like going shopping for clothes, make-up & CD's - all for me! I'd have liked to have "accidentally" got pregnant & dealt with it the way other women seem to.

All these tests & procedures are way too sensible & grown up & require proper thought about this baby mallarkey.

OK, I'll admit, I'm wondering - do I really want a baby enough to go through all these hoops?

There, I've said it. Now I feel rubbish.

Just ignore me - I felt similar when I stopped taking the pill, ha, to think that seemed like a life changing decision then.

Oh, 21 year old ex-colleague who got PG by fella who went out with her for a bet during make up sex & got married 5 weeks ago so they'd qualify for RAF housing - had a baby girl this morning.

sorry love, just couldn't think of anything to say. I can see why you wanted it to be different, would be easier not to be forced to think about it all so much. Here,see how fast you can drink this tequila.

scorp aaargh moonpig why does everyone always think of them???? They're not actually a publisher as such,they're a shop that prints to order. They do have some of our designs though so they're alright I s'pose.

Due to the fact I never thought about identity theft/stalking etc I mentionned our company aaages ago so may as well again. We're urban graphic. Which may well mean nothing to you at all!

cheggs awroight mate? Missed ya,sorry you feeling ropey. Am all and that yer lover got one of our cards,and especially that you got the warm fuzzies!

I'm hungover. Started SWI last night after lots of wine and then was up with the boy for an hr and half from 3am [yaaaawn] (actually I'm in the Just Shagging Hurrah! camp this month)

HCS Am with you re: exercise & diet & fuck this conception malarky. Have put on giant amounts of weight since we started SWI. Are you, like our mate Cheggers (hello, Cheggs, hope you feel better soon) doing the assisted conception route?

Inexorable approach of squeaky metal bastard announced itself this morning, so I went for a pre-work run to punish my rubbish body. Am now half-asleep at my desk but feeling super-virtuous.

laurie As my testing stuff approaches, I'm having the same what ifs. But as I'm a control freak, testing is peversely reassuring, like I'm doing something sensible about having a baby (rather than that nasty icky sex stuff, God, eeeuw)

I always thought that I wouldn't bother if it came to IVF - and given how mad normal SWI has driven me, I'm not sure I want to. But that's a long way off. I still have to be poked and prodded and dildocammed and dyed and...

Scorpette Don't lie! Under that super-calm, chilled-out front is the madness of the 2WOOFL.

Hello all,

1. I had sex, without contraception, in the middle of my cycle (might have mentioned this once or twice), and yet THE DROID APPROACHETH (on CD26). What the fuck?! What more am I supposed to do!! Thought would be relieved by the appearance of R2D2. Am not. Interesting.

1. Have just read the perineal massage thread because it is popping up on the right hand side. I feel squirmy, faint, and nauseous. If I can't read this stuff, how could I do it?

1. My mate had an early scan yesterday (7 weeks I think), saw the heartbeat - it was only her first go at IVF. So on the evidence of cheggers (hi Keith) and my best mate - IVF actually works! Who'da thought it? Gives us hope. Although both of them ended up in hospital with OHSS so not exactly plain sailing.

1. Laurie, HSG is NOT the same as lap and dye, and not as unpleasant AFAIK, so don't panic just yet. I'll probably need one at some point so could you be our roving reporter for HSG please??

Ladies, I know how you're feeling cos one of my biggest freak-out fears is someone rummaging around inside my tunnel of love. For some reason, the thought of it feeling crampy and weird scares me more than straighforward pain. Am obviously ideally suited to motherhood

Cameltoe, am keeping the madness as calm as possible. But still raving loony inside. Fertility Friend says I'm having a 2nd temp peak (synonymous with updiff) and have shot up to 67% likely pg, but I don't believe it. Apart from feeling sick, all other symptoms could just be pre-period crap or random body things (and the feeling sick could be summat else) and my luteal phase is short, so we will have to see. I know I said this yesterday; I just need to keep repeating it so I don't get my hopes up too much

Ooooh, gin, your company website is reet swish and your products rather groovy. Did your company design all then, then? Have bought plenty of stuff from your ranges over the years - feel all 'we're not worthy' now.

Yes, yes, I'm not, I know

feckin asterisks. cunts.

Holy. Mother. Of. God.

lyra I've gone right off you - why did you have to mention the perenial massage thing. Its like the "Don't touch, wet paint" scenario. You'd said it wasn't great but I still had to have a look. Or rather read. No way am I googling that one.

21 year old ex-colleague seemed to have an open door for her birth - husband, cousin, mum, dad & twin brother all there - DURING BIRTH! YOUR BROTHER FFS - please agree that's wrong & nasty on all levels.

Stop saying the B word please! Cheggers has emailed me and I've asked mn to remove the B word so nobody else mention it unless B means Baybeeeeee.

laurie that's wrong, on every level. I'm having a home birth (proximity to ice-tray and bath) and jailbait may pace outside.

But laurie I also said that HSG not as bad as lap and dye, so mathematically you should be 50% on me, 50% off (oo-eerr). Are you going to do HSG recon for us or what??

Why can't we say the B word? I'm desperate to now I've been told not to.

Good point, lyra yeah I'll be the HSG guinea pig.

Which "b" word are you talking about

Bum....

office move=screen more visible to whole dept=less sneaking on MN - arse.

Am desp for a gossip too

I concur - we will not mention certain things. So instead, let's talk about meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I just had to stand outside Tesco trying to discreetly dry-retch (after feeling nauseous for the last few days). Promising diff-sign or just anti-capitalist part of my psyche registering its disgust corporeally (oooh, get me)?

Am I the only one here who thinks perineal massage is a great idea? I've known about it for years and plan to do it/force TYF to grease me up good 'n' proper. But I wish I hadn't clicked the link because some woman mentioned that she tore upwards and makes it sound like she ripped her clit It's never occurred to me that you could rip upwards, so am freaked out now. I know that I'll be so neurotic about all the terrible birth injuries that could befall one that when the time comes for me to do it, I'll be so tense that they'll basically have to amputatee me from the waist down to get the sprog out

Oh vag that's rubbish!!

Do you have something to gossip about?

We've had a funny day in the office. The office bitch was called in by management as someone had complained about her nearly running them over in the car park. She was last seen fleeing the office in tears. That was about 6 hours ago!

You gotta love public service!

Scorpette As per - could be a promising diff sign, could be psychosomatic, could be a response to Tesco - was there a special offer on Findus Crispy Pancakes? That'll always do it for me...

Where are you in your cycle? After carefully documenting my last bjillion baby-free cycles, I have realised that I always get waves of sickness during the 2WOOFL. This is further proof that life is conspiring against me. However, if this is utterly unusual for you, then yay! consider yourself awarded one baby.

The perineal massage thread made me feel a bit wrong and like throwing up my lunch. Which is weird - am comfortable enough with my body to bung a mooncup in once a month, so talk of massage shouldn't be a problem. Might be because I'd envisaged it as a lovely, comforting massage and it turns out that it involves stretching and pain. Urgh.

la la la la I can't hear you "ripping", "tearing", "clit torn in to 17 pieces" la la la.

I fear I am the office bitch.

Scorpette You have an absolutely superb array of psychosomatic symptoms - you're going to be a barrel of laughs once the real ones kick in!