TTC a Rainbow...

[Halpmer]

Hello everyone. I thought I'd start a thread to see if anyone else is out there TTC their rainbow baby 🌈 and wants to join me?

Any loss is a valid loss here, early miscarriage, late miscarriage, chemicals, TFMRs etc. I know we can sometimes face judgement from others or have others not understand!

Hey ladies, hope you're all having good weekends 💚
AF arrived with a vengeance for me yesterday, more painful and super hormonal so just been taking it easy with a hot water bottle and tissues! Feels like im back to the week after Mc emotionally, so I hope it's just this one that's this bad. And two of my best friends and one uni friend have all given birth this week - it's been a lot.
Has anyone else's cycle also got longer after MC? Mine did after my chemical, and I think it seems like it takes longer for me to ovulate for some reason. I'm probably overthinking it all, hopefully I'll perk up next week when the hormones start to change a bit x

Hey @Jessie30 I'm sorry to hear about AF arriving. It's really rubbish but just think it's the start of a fresh cycle where you can try again ❤️ my cycle was loads longer after my Mc by about 10 days. I tested loads because I thought I might have caught, got a false positive from a frer and then AF came. It was so disappointing but also a relief because I kind of knew where I was with my cycle again and this one has been pretty normal so far! Big hugs honey. Go get yourself a treat and snuggle up until the rough part passes xx

@thejollytrolleydolly thank you so much for your message. False positive, that's so horrible! Glad to hear yours is nearly back to normal, that's a good sign and gives me hope!
I'm trying to think positively about the fresh cycle, once it's past the toughest days it'll get better. Considering not tracking too much this cycle as I think I might be thinking about it too much, but not sure if it'll stress me more not knowing when ov happens! Has anyone taken a testing break? The last time I didn't track was when I got pregnant but I don't know if that was just cause it was 4 months after my Mc 🤔

@Jessie30 aw bless you, my first cycle was awful after MMC and the period was horrendous pain wise, and I think it was 5 days straight I cried all day long! Ride it out and treat yourself to whatever you need to get you through! Sending hugs 💖

I'm TTC after having a CP last week. I'm in a really weird place about it because to me I feel like I had a miscarriage, I was testing positive for a week, was excited and so happy and then I'm not pregnant but I feel like because I was only 5 weeks it's not a proper miscarriage and I know that but it feels like it.

So I just wanted to say thank you for your opening post and sorry for rambling so much.

My cycles have been so weird since TTC 2 months ago. I've had normal periods until then and then My period was 11 days late and I was testing negative; then I got pregnant but had my chemical.

So I've started my CB OPK but we're also going to DTD every other day throughout my cycle.

I have a little girl whose 19 months and she was conceived very easily so this is all a minefield!

Good luck to everyone ❤️💛

@Jessie30 I'm sorry you've had such a tough one, especially with friends announcing births etc. it's so hard to compute and process when going through what you're going through 💔. I think my cycle just gone (directly after Jude's birth) was 34 days which I think is long for me. My ovulation has always been a couple days after my app's prediction so instead of CD17, I think with my pregnancies I ovulated on CD18/19. Look after yourself, I'm glad you took it easy with your hot water bottle. Get cosy and wait until it's over ❤️ sending lots of love!

@thejollytrolleydolly I cannot imagine the disappointment of a longer cycle and a false positive 😩 you poor thing.

@pambeeslyhalpert2 CP is as much a miscarriage as any other, and you were pregnant (and a lot of the difficulty with miscarriage is to do with the psychological part of pregnancy anyway, so it doesn't matter HOW pregnant you were - you'd probably already had those feelings of excitement and imagining the future etc which is so heartbreaking to lose). I have a 19m old boy ❤️ who I'm SO thankful for especially after our loss. He was also conceived very easily, as was our Jude (lost to TFMR). I'm quite terrified of not having the same situation with our rainbow 🌈.

We saw huge stretching double rainbow 🌈 yesterday evening 🤩 so maybe that's a good sign going into my fertile window 🥰🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

hi @pambeeslyhalpert2 sorry to hear about your loss 🤍 it is an early miscarriage, any type of loss is painful and your feelings are completely valid. The hormonal upheaval is so tough too!

Thanks lovelies, I've had a couple of low days here but hoping to get out and do a walk today to start to feel a bit better 💚 hope you're all well x

@Halpmer yeah it was a real kick in the teeth as we both got our hopes up just to do another test the next day and have a bfn 👎🏽 definitely had a little cry at work that day!

A double rainbow is a very good sign! I do believe that life throws you signs to let you know what's going on. I always find that I relate to certain songs that help me through tough times 😊 fingers crossed that's a sign for you! Imagine if you got twins now! 🌈🌈

@Jessie30 a walk sounds like a good idea, I hope it helps ❤️.

@thejollytrolleydolly I'd have had a massive cry at work after that - I don't think I'd even have gone in 😅. Oh my gosh I didn't think about that for a double rainbow, if I conceive this time and it's twins I'll be buying a lottery ticket as well 😂

The perks of a certain unwanted guest arriving 4 days early is that I got the crying out on Sunday!

The positive is that I ovulate 2 days BEFORE we spend 3 weeks at my parents house... we're both teachers and we made the first baby during the 2 week Christmas holidays, so there's nothing to say we can't do it again relaxed during the summer holidays!

Sorry to those of you who have had AF arrive this week ❤️

I have never seen such negative ovulation tests as I've been having this week 🙄 I'm 17 days after bleeding starting so I'm not going to be one of those people who ovulate as normal after a mc. Ah well, what can you do (nothing, absolutely nothing I need to remind myself).

How do those of you with children already feel about age gaps? I think I'm concentrating my stress into age gap panic at the moment. I'd always invisaged a 2 year gap but with every day I don't ovulate (or get a bfp going forward) I get stressed about the increasing age gap. It would have been perfect with my MC pregnancy so I think I'm just catastrophising over nothing because of the disappointment of that again...

Good luck @inthewest - sorry about AF though 😢

@oop that's frustrating, it's good to have the reminder of not being able to do anything about it, at least that sort of helps put it into perspective - I keep reminding myself of this also. I feel super sad that we won't have 2 under 2 at this point, but I shake it off and remind myself that perhaps we will have 2 under 2 at a later point with future age gaps. I feel that stress though. I understand it completely.

@oop @Halpmer it's easy to get swept up in that thought process, each month I work out what a rough due date would be and as the months role on I get so frustrated as time just seems to be racing on. However it is not in our control, and I hope this doesn't sound rude, but after 2 losses I would just love one living child ♥️

@oop @oopI feel this so much! I also wanted a 2 year gap and had already struggled as didn't start menstruating while I was bf. Finally fully weaned at 22 months and then was so pleased to get pregnant 3rd cycle as would have still been under a 3 year gap.... Now since the loss I am so conscious each month that the gap is getting bigger and bigger. BUT trying to focus on this being the right thing for our family. Maybe my little boy needed a bit longer as the only focus. Maybe he'll enjoy being a big brother a bit more with a bit more understanding and ability to talk to us about his feelings etc. It's a bigger gap than I hoped for, but when our rainbow baby comes along, I'm sure it will make sense... At least, that's what I'm telling myself🤞🏻🌈

@SnookyPook that's a lovely way of looking at it! I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason. Even if we can't see it now, it becomes clear to us later on. If it hadn't taken me 3 years to fall pregnant with my first I wouldn't be in the house I have now and I wouldn't have my dog. Everything works out the way it should even though it's heartbreaking at the time ❤️

@oop try not to be disheartened about ovulating late, it's completely normal ❤️ I normally ovulate around cd12 and after my MMC I didn't ovulate until cd22! Just keep doing the strips and hopefully you catch that surge xx

@Halpmer absolutely. I'm a planner so I really struggle with the inability to control TTC! But in a way it's comforting to know there's absolutely nothing I could do to make it worse either!

@Vic231 not rude at all, I'm sorry if that came across a bit insensitive. I had 2 v early losses before I conceived my child and I remember the feeling well and it was worse then than it is for me now despite my most recent loss being a bit further along so lots of love to you, it's very hard. It will happen for you ❤️ I'm the same though with calculating due dates, why do we do this to ourselves 🙈

@SnookyPook yes definitely, I've been reading some old mumsnet posts about people in this situation who went on to love the age gap they ended up with which is really helping me. It's so easy to create a vision of your family in your mind and get upset when the reality doesn't line up with it isn't it.

@thejollytrolleydolly ah good to know! My current fear is I will ovulate when my husband is away for 4 nights next week. He never goes away without me so that would be absolutely typical.

oh @Vic231 i feel the same way ttc and not having any living children yet, i worry what if it never happens.... I also get that it must be so upsetting to miscarry when you have a child already and can't totally retreat into yourself as you need to be there for them, and my sister told me about the sadness of wanting them to have their sibling.

gosh ladies I've had a terrible night, only got about 4 hours sleep. I mentioned before about my sil who is pregnant and quite insensitive. Before I lost the baby she didn't know I was pregnant, and she sent the family group chat a screenshot of her baby app showing the size of it, after messaging me privately to say she knew how hard it was ttc when others are announcing pregnancies... I thought it was a bit hypocritical but I was pregnant so didn't mind.
She was always inserting things about her pregnancy into the chat, so after we told the family about our loss, I was concerned she might continue to post stuff in the group and I said to dh I might leave for a while. then she sent a message about how she was going to Wimbledon to make the most of it this year as you're not allowed to take babies - this was 3 weeks after my loss.

i told DH I wanted to leave and said he didn't want that, and sent her a private message to say he understood she was excited about it but would really appreciate her being mindful we're trying to recover and thinking about these little comments. In no way did he make out she can't talk about her pregnancy at all. She replied saying 'sorry you feel that way' classic response, and then left the family group without saying anything!! Mil added her back in saying it makes HER so upset when people are not in the group. DH called Sil to sort it out, and she cried down the phone because she thinks he isn't even excited for her and doesn't want to be an uncle and is gonna hate her baby. And also got upset that we didnt tell her about our earlier loss in January and that we haven't replied to her or spoken to her enough about this loss. I'm absolutely gobsmacked anyone could be so insensitive and cruel.

I left the chat after that but how horrible and awkward, I can't imagine how I'm goi g to want to be around her.
has anyone got and experiences like this? I'm hoping she somehow realises that this is not about her and apologises.

Sorry for the massive essay!

@oop thank you and sorry probably me being far too insensitive 🤍 it's just tough for everyone isn't and terrifying to not have any loving children yet. Thank you for sharing your experience though, that gives me hope.

I try and remember that the bigger picture is a healthy baby at the end, I couldn't care less when they arrive, but with every loss it's the grieving for the future you thought you'd have which is the hardest. I keep coming across posts on here of expectant mums worrying about the month their baby will be born in and I just want to post - you have no idea how lucky you are - instead I retreat to this lovely group 🥰

@Jessie30 Comforting to have someone in the same boat but also very shit to be here. I'm so sorry you are going through that with your SIL. Not quite the same but when we lost our daughter through TFMR at 25 weeks, we only told our parents what was going on. Siblings knew something bad was going on and we needed some time to ourselves but through all the testing etc we kept very much to ourselves and private as it was a horrendous time and their was lots going on. When she was born we sent a message to friends and family to tell them, in the same way we would have imagined announcing her arrival (date, time, name etc) as this was the way in which we felt comfortable doing it.

Around 3 weeks after we lost her, my BIL said to us that he was very upset we hadn't called him and told him directly as it had really effected him and his wife. In no uncertain words my husband told him that the scenario had absolutely nothing to do with him and his feelings. We had to do exactly what was right for us in that moment and that was to tell everyone in a message as saying it out loud was too hard. We also had limited time to spend with her so we weren't going to be sat on phone call after phone call when we could send one simple message to a group. We told him we also didn't need to explain ourselves but that was some of the reasoning.

People really just have no idea unless they have experienced something themselves. I always try and think of it in a simpler way, something like if you'd never been on an aeroplane you'd have no idea what it was like to take off and land but some people try and imagine it and put their opinions across. When I encounter these people I just have an internal monologue with myself along the lines of 'you have no idea and I'm glad that you don't' - hopefully that makes some kind of sense!

Perhaps you could address it in the same way we did, write her a nice message or email explaining that whilst you are so happy for her, it is very hard for you and you are just trying your best to get through. You'd never not want her to celebrate her pregnancy but perhaps she could keep it to key milestones not everyday chat? As in you'd love to know when she's made it to 6 months or any scans but not if she's booking X because it's not child friendly or look at this cute baby grow I bought today.

Argh It's so shit x

*far too sensitive 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

@Vic231 thats a good way of looking at it, I'm sorry you had that experience with your BiL, I agree people don't understand what they haven't been through. That helps to rationalise it a bit.

what makes me so angry is the way she tried to guilt trip my husband for not being excited enough for her and saying you don't want to be an uncle, you're going to hate the baby etc
i understand her having some version of those feelings but thinking them and then actually saying them in such a horrible way is something else. He was so upset when he got off the phone but she was crying down the phone then threw it across the room and hung up on him. I can't believe how self absorbed she could be when her brother is saying he's upset about his baby dying, it really baffles me. I have to try to talk myself it's her hormones or I won't want to see her again!

@Jessie30 yes that is horrendous. I'm so sorry, I think that says more about her and although I could forgive (and like you say, put it down to pregnancy hormones and probably a bit of fear on her part which often can show itself as anger), I'd never forget it. X

@Jessie30 @Vic231 gosh I'm so sorry you've both had such horrible experiences with people. It absolutely blows my mind how selfish and insensitive people can be sometimes. Agree that people who haven't experienced any difficulty or loss with ttc have absolutely no idea what its like. And that scales too, I would never claim to know what it's like to have a later term miscarriage for example. But yet people do 🙄. I find it so much easier to deal with when you find other people who have experienced loss to talk to, whether in real life or here. They just get it. Even my family who are fortunately very caring and kind about it don't get it in the same way as they haven't been through it.

I'm sorry people have had to deal with insensitive individuals like that, it's hard. We had some insensitivity happening and sorted it out in no uncertain terms and very rapidly when it happened. I felt like a wounded mama bear in cave fighting off threats to protect myself when our loss happened. I told people that they were in the wrong if they were, didn't care about the collateral as I didn't give a single f...

I think this group is so valuable as it's true that although people can offer great support if they've not been through loss sometimes, it's more common that you're met with misunderstanding and sometimes judgement for decisions you made or feelings you have. It's unfortunately one of those things that you only really understand if you've been through it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Although late term miscarriage and late term TFMRs are hellish to go through and to think about. I think the hardest part about ours was the loss of the hopes and dreams we had for our life with Jude and his life in the world. And actually the thought of having to carry this pain in one way or another for the rest of our lives.

I said throughout the whole thing that I am so glad for already having a baby and my heart aches so deeply for those of you who are yet to hold your living rainbows in your arms - there's a whole other level of heartbreak for you guys in that respect.

I did feel a sense of guilt as throughout the 2 weeks it took from finding out about Jude's complications and giving birth to him, it hurt me so much to be around our first son that I really withdrew and had to have DH do a lot of the parenting in that time - felt like the worst mum ever!