TTC a Rainbow...

[Halpmer]

Hello everyone. I thought I'd start a thread to see if anyone else is out there TTC their rainbow baby 🌈 and wants to join me?

Any loss is a valid loss here, early miscarriage, late miscarriage, chemicals, TFMRs etc. I know we can sometimes face judgement from others or have others not understand!

@Jessie30 @Vic231 so sorry you've both had to deal with such insensitive people. It absolutely baffles me how self-absorbed and downright cruel some people can be at times. I just have to remind myself that they are also going through their own stuff which is probably impacting their reactions to me and try to rise above and show the compassion they are lacking. But that said, I think sometimes you just have to think "F@*# you!!" And leave them to it for a while!

@Halpmer I agree that having my DS already has been such a comfort and I imagine it is a very different experience going through loss before you've been lucky enough to have a child. Dealing with the grief whilst parenting your living child does definitely present its own challenges though and I'm sorry you felt so bad about how you were as a Mum in those immediate days after your loss. I'm sure you know it really but that certainly didn't make you the worst mum ever! You're entitled to process what you were going through and were probably ultimately a better Mum to your son for taking that time that you needed. 💕

Oh @Halpmer I completely agree with @SnookyPook you did the right thing looking after yourself to help you be a good mum.

I ended up sending my SiL a massive message myself, basically explaining it's the causal mentions which are hard and saying that it's not fair to put the guilt on DH for not being excited enough. I spent ages on it and tried to be really fair so I hope she takes it well but I'm not holding my breath!

Thanks guys ❤️

I feel properly sucker punched by the feelings sometimes. This evening is brutal already, but I shall get through it and then onto the next day.

Did you hear anything back from sil @Jessie30?

oh @Halpmer im sorry to hear you're having a bad evening! Has there been anything specific or just a general bad day? Here if you want to vent xx

i did get a reply which was not great. She totally ignored my point about the difficulty of hearing casual pregnancy updates and said that ahh she has done is try to put us first (I mean for gods sake) and then just basically surface level crap like 'hope we can all spend time together soon, best wishes' etc
to be honest, I've never been that close with her and she has been quite mean to his other sister so it's not a huge surprise, and I will cut back contact from now on with no guilt or regrets. I'm very lucky that my other half feels the same. I think sadly it's quite common in these situations that it can act as a bit of a spotlight about family dynamics and that's added stress to deal with. on the plus side I'm finally nearing the end of AF and not as blue as earlier in the week.

how is everyone else doing? Sending l

Hi ladies, new here! Sorry for all your losses 💗

I had a CP late June, we’re 29 and TTC number 2.

4 days prior to AF being due, I started with dark brown spotting thinking AF was on her way but I usually only get a day of light brown at most before turning to full AF for around 4/5 days. However, it was dark brown for those 4 days then yesterday I had a full day of ‘normal’ red heavy AF, but today I woke up and it’s gone back to brown spotting again.

Anyone else had this?! X

It's just the usual of TTC is a hard journey, harder when you're so desperate for it to happen.

I've even had flashbacks this evening. I've dealt with PTSD with other things and so I know how to deal with flashbacks. Ground myself in the present, because the present is good and the flashback is remembering of a very bad time. Unfortunately, with this situation I can't really do what would normally work to make me feel better... what do you do when your present moment is crap too? I should still be pregnant and I should be coming up to my third trimester soon. Im not, instead I'm grieving my lost baby and desperately hoping to be pregnant again.

@Halpmer im so sorry girl it's so shit xxx I really wish I could give you a big cuddle. I can only say, it will get better, as hard as it is to believe that now, it will. It has to. It will be ok in the end, and if it's not

if it's not okay, it means it's not the end xxx

im sorry I accidentally sent too soon!

im sorry to hear you've had to deal with PTSD too, I hope your coping strategies help. Ive found meditation and breathing really helpful and I've also started taking a supplement called 5htp which really helps with moods as it does something with serotonin, if you've not tried that.

Please just know that you're not alone and you're so much stronger than you feel right now. You're going to get there xxx

welcome @DHB im so sorry for your loss x
I haven't had that exact pattern myself but Ive had other weird cycles after both my losses so I wouldn't worry unless it's super painful or unusual colour, but best to ask the doc if you're unsure maybe

@Halpmer so sorry you're having a tough evening. Sending a massive hug your way. I had a meet-up with colleagues today for an end of year celebration (we're academics at a Uni) and I got all teary and overwhelmed. Not really socialised much since my loss and it just got to me. I cried on a colleague (a lovely one who knew about the loss and has been very supportive as she's also experienced one a few years ago)... But.. yeah... These moments hit. Sorry to hear about your PTSD and that you're struggling to ground in the moment. Perhaps it would help to find another grounding strategy. One thing I've heard for panic attacks is to try and identify something you are aware of right now for each of your senses - maybe that would work for this too? So, something you can see, hear, taste, touch, smell...?!

Welcome @DHB and so sorry for your loss 💕

@Halpmer maybe also a mantra... Something like, "my present moment feels crap because of my grief. But I am safe, I am loved, and good things are just around the corner" 💕

@SnookyPook the senses thing is what I do and it really helps me. You also start with 5, so 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear... my husband will ask me each one and I'll reply and by the time I've got to 1 thing you can taste I'm out of the fight/flight feeling.

Don't beat yourself up about it either @Halpmer, I have to remind myself that what my body is doing is amazing and if I wa actually s in any danger I know I'd be able to combat it.

Thanks everyone, it's so overwhelming. I was doing the pointing out things in the room to try to ground in the present. But that was then part of the problem because all I could think was my present moment is horrible (not being pregnant, etc). I'm sure it will pass and I'm sure it will pass fairly quickly, but it's so emotionally painful at the moment that it's just hard to believe that!

@Vic231 ah that's an interesting addition - thanks for the tip!

@Halpmer it's just shit and there is no way around that. I think we just have to sit with it and be compassionate with ourselves and acknowledge that there is no pain like this... but also trust in all those older women who have unfortunately been through this and who tell us that time does heal to some extent... It softens the sharp edges of the grief and becomes a sad but bearable part of our personal history. We are right in the trenches now, but we will get through (even if that also sometimes seems unthinkable because we don't want to 'get through' and be further from our little lost ones...) Sending you big hugs ❤️

I've managed to be my own therapist and sorted myself out. I think that I’ve been internally quite terrified this whole cycle of not conceiving this time even though I know it’s statistically probably quite unlikely that we will conceive on the first cycle every time we try for a baby. The reason I’m terrified is because I didn’t want to feel this level of pain again because the pain of losing Jude was so incredibly foul and deep that it frightens me to think of it because it’s so so horrible. Now I don’t care as much about trying to conceive on this first cycle, at least I'm not desperate. Because I've felt that pain that I was frightened of today anyway and we're not even past ovulation yet, and so the stakes are now not as high. I have realised I can’t avoid that pain, it will find me or catch up with me no matter where I hide from it. So, the plaster has been ripped off.

@Halpmer sorry you've been feeling so low, well done for finding a way to help process your feelings. It's a real deep grief of losing a child, a future you'd planned and also really physically hard. It's totally understandable to feel overwhelmed by all those feelings and as a way of dealing with it, concentrating on something in particular e.g. getting pregnant again immediately. But you're right, the pain and emotion comes for us anyway. Fingers crossed this cycle works out for you, but even if it doesn't, there will be a cycle that brings you your next baby and when it does it will be the perfect one ❤️

Welcome @DHB , sorry about your loss 😞. I feel like I maybe recognise your username from a conception/preg thread I was stalking before my own loss at the start of July. Or I may have made that up.

I had my peak ovulation test out of nowhere last night, so glad I decided to do one before bed or I think I would have missed it. I'm usually a slow increase person so that was a bit odd. But glad I'm ovulating. CD 19 for me so not that late in the end.

Hi everyone, can I join you?

Just had surgical management today for MMC no.2. Made much more difficult by the fact my partner's brother and sister in law are expecting and are only 4 weeks ahead of where we should have been (this is their second with no complications too, just to really rub it in). Clearly I want nothing else but for them to have a healthy happy pregnancy but it's hard not to be jealous of the joys they have of pregnancy without having experienced loss.

Me and my partner have discussed in detail and are going to try again as soon as I get a negative pregnancy test. I'm 34 and would quite like to conceive again sooner rather than later as we'd like multiple children and ideally not be too far over 40 when we finish!

Sorry some of you are having difficult times lately - I very much know the feeling. Whilst friends have had losses, all my family members (of my generation) seem to have had no issues conceiving or keeping pregnancies, so I do feel like I was dealt the short straw. Going to try and focus on what is good in my life, keeping healthy, and being grateful for a loving partner and wonderful friends - whilst keeping everything crossed for a BPF in the not too distant future!

Hi @moosey89 sorry you are here. I remember your username from one of the due Feb 2024 threads 🤍

@Halpmer glad you managed to make peace with where you're at. Sometimes ripping off that plaster is all we can do.

@oop yay for ovulation!

@moosey89 so sorry to hear about your loss. We're all here with you and please feel free to rant etc as needed - especially as it's so fresh for you right now. That's really tough too about your relatives. Of course you're delighted for them but you're also allowed to feel completely crap about it in terms of the reminder of what you've lost etc. It's so so hard.

Fingers crossed all of our rainbow babies are on the way 🤞🏻🌈💕

Hi girls, I'm just wondering if any of you can she'd any light on something for me, since my mmc in may it seems I'm getting much stronger and longer pms symptoms.... Is this normal or should I be worried about perimenopause? They make me think I'm pregnant because I've never had pms like this before.... Cramping from 2dpo...sore heavy boobs... Lower back pain...constipation... Sweats and more. Really worrying about it 😑

@Halpmer glad you're finding a way to look after yourself. I feel similarly to you, I get so worried and scared about another loss and pin all my hopes on being everything being ok if I do fall pregnant again. Then the reality of that not being certain sets off the fear again. You're totally right, you can't escape it, no matter how much we wish otherwise.

welcome @moosey89 so sorry for your losses 🤍 im in a similar position to you with timing with my in laws too. It's so hard when you see others successful pregnancies and babies, even though youre pleased for them it's still just really sad and horrible to have lost your own. sending big hugs xx

@oop yay ovulation! I was cd19 too!

@Kellyaust it's definitely normal, for pms to be worse after Mc. Mine has been off the charts since my first mc, i was so worried about it too, but I googled it loads and it's very common. Thanks to the hormones its all just a big mess. I also found it really hard as I was constantly symptom spotting and utterly convinced I was pregnant each month. It's so hard, but try to ignore or take your mind off it somehow (if you find out how please tell me!) you could call Tommys line for advice if you're really worried just in case

@Jessie30 thank you, it's awful like our bodies know we so desperately want another pregnancy n throw signs at us that get our hopes up feels so cruel. 😔

@oop you summed it all up perfectly ❤️. I had a random out of nowhere peak the cycle I conceived Jude, and it was a random test that I took not expecting it to be positive 😅.

@DHB sorry for your loss, apologies, I've just been in my own head and feelings for the past day or so 😅.

@moosey89 all welcome here. I'm so sorry for your loss and the circumstances with your brother and sil. Nightmare to deal with emotionally. Sending big hugs to you and I hope you get your negative test soon so that you can get back on the TTC train.

Can I just say you guys are hot on usernames, I'm terrible at remembering stuff like that 😆.

@SnookyPook I'm glad the plaster has been ripped off, means that I now have clarity and I can just live my life without as much stress.

@Kellyaust I think it's possible for different symptoms after a loss as your body will be a bit out of whack.

@Jessie30 the fear isn't totally gone but I definitely feel more at peace realising that you can't run or hide from these feelings.

Thanks guys for the welcome - it's not a fun club to be part of but we can all be there for each other!

For those who had surgical management of miscarriages, how long after did you get a negative test? Last time I tested 3 weeks after, but I don't want to miss ovulation this time so thinking I'll test in 2 weeks to make sure? I was around 10-11 weeks both times.

@moosey89 I'm not sure if it matters how it was managed with regards to testing negative, midwives all said they wouldn't expect positives after 3w but I think I was negative by 2 I think and the midwives said that was likely (I was medical managed though)

Thanks @Halpmer that's useful to hear. I've got very little spotting today so I'm hoping that within a week that will clear completely and it'll just be a waiting game.