TTC a Rainbow...

[Halpmer]

Hello everyone. I thought I'd start a thread to see if anyone else is out there TTC their rainbow baby 🌈 and wants to join me?

Any loss is a valid loss here, early miscarriage, late miscarriage, chemicals, TFMRs etc. I know we can sometimes face judgement from others or have others not understand!

@moosey89 i heard the same - negative by 3 weeks and think i was 2 weeks too.

has anyone else found it really hard socially? i was meant to meet up with a friend today for dinner for the first time, and i've just asked to move it as i feel so stressed out and upset, i really want to meet up so i don't know why it's just hit me today. it just comes out of the blue and my brain just shuts down and i can't just put on a brave face and do it. i'm so annoyed with myself! it feels like im always taking one step forward and two back

@Jessie30 don't beat yourself up, the single steps forward are much bigger than you give yourself credit for. And the steps back are smaller than you think. It's normal to get regression with progression for many things! I feel the same about socialising sometimes, let yourself off the hook ❤️

@Jessie30 I have found socialising really exhausting and emotionally difficult since the loss. Early on I had to leave a couple of events and I thought recently I was doing lots better, but I went to a work thing on Weds and just suddenly got super emotional. I don't even really know why. I just find being out with people a bit tough ATM. One of my colleagues knew and has been through a loss herself before so when she gently took me aside and asked if I was ok, I actually burst into tears on her!! So... It's not just you. 💕

The nicer people are to me the harder I'm finding it 🙈 I haven't felt like socialising in weeks since I had the first bad scan where I knew it wasn't going to stick but literally had to wait for the heart to stop beating. It's been a brutal time. I'm feeling a lot better post surgery as I was stuck in that limbo before. Hoping to feel better as each day passes. I'm signed off work next week too to try and reset properly.

Thank you ladies. I'm really sorry you've all have had these shitty struggles too, but in a way it's comforting to know that I'm not alone, and that's something x
i absolutely hate the anxiety that's been left behind, I've had some mental health stuff before but I've never known anything like this. Its so good at sneaking up on me just when I feel like it's loosened up a bit.
I will keep thinking this will pass and at some point eventually it will 💚

This is a bloody long one on reflection... maybe one to read with your morning coffee 😂

@SnookyPook you're SO right about it being especially exhausting. We had a weekend a couple of weeks ago where we saw people who we would usually find easy to be around and wouldn't affect us so strongly (I'm one of those people that needs alone time to recharge after a social event) but we were both absolutely exhausted afterwards on both days.

@moosey89 good call on being signed off, you just need to take time and not have to worry about wearing the social mask and performing a job well.

I felt really brave yesterday morning, so I popped into work as it was the last day of the academic year (half day) and we often move offices in September so I thought I best challenge myself and go in to clear my desk so that my things aren't lost in the move. It was fine. Everybody was (thankfully) way too frightened to even hint at our loss which meant I had an easy time of it.

@Jessie30 you are not alone, I try to remind myself of that a lot. One of the reasons this thread has been so helpful for me is that! I know what you mean about mental health struggles before and after. Over the years I've had struggles with C-PTSD but I had such a good handle on it for several years that I'd didn't even consider it a real big issue anymore. I thought I might've managed to avoid creating trauma in my brain through this experience because I haven't hidden from feeling things and I haven't been without support. So, the flashbacks I had the other day were a stark reminder that this experience has been deeply traumatic even if I don't carry those feelings much on the surface now. I've also definitely had an increase in anxiety around pregnancy.

I saw a thread yesterday of a pregnant woman asking when you would feel 'safe' in a pregnancy (meaning, I assume, when would you feel confident in taking home a healthy baby at the end of it) and I couldn't think of a single point in the pregnancy where I would feel safe in that way now, whereas before I think I would've felt pretty peachy after the 20 week scan, and especially after 24 week viability. There were many women on that thread who answered 'not until baby is in my arms at home'.

Also heard on the radio this morning that 250,000 women go through miscarriage a year in the UK and I was thinking about what do they class as miscarriage in those statistics because I feel like it's more than 250,000 really? The positive is that it was a quick piece on the news about a report that's come out with more than 70 suggestions for the improvement of miscarriage support in the UK.

Morning all,

What CD are you all on now? I’m CD5 now I believe although my period was messed up this month after the latest CP in June. So apparently I’m due to enter my fertile window in 5 days, I won’t be testing OPKs so I’ll just go off symptoms I think.

Anyone else similar timing? X

@Halpmer thank you, it really does help to share and know you're not alone. I'm the same, getting similar feeling to when I had issues Ive worked through, I've been quite rocked by it and every resistant, but I'm feeling quite inspired by your calm way of dealing with it and I'm going to try to follow suit.

i was feeling really shit about my body too as I've put on weight even though I'm no longer pregnant, thank you hormones!
I found an amazing blog about Mc by a woman who had 4 Mc over 4 years and then finally a successful pregnancy. I was reading all the blogs just nodding and tearing up for hours and I really recommend it: https://uterusmonologues.com/

theres also some blogs about pregnancy after mc on there that will be helpful for us all when we finally do get our babies xxx

@DHB im on CD8, so almost the same as you! I really hope this is your month 🙏🙏🙏

I ovulate quite late around cd17-19 so I've still got a while to go. I'm going to join you and have a break from the strips this month too. I tracked last month and did it 4 times in fertile window but no luck 🫠 so probably will take a bit longer to catch again - it took me 4 months last time so expecting similar.

@Halpmer yeah I honestly think I only ever felt secure/safe in a pregnancy with my very first one (which was a chemical and I started bleeding within a week) because I had no real idea that it might go wrong. Even with my toddler I relaxed a bit after 6weeks, a bit more after 12 weeks, a bit more after I could feel them kicking but I was honestly worried the whole time until he was in a cot next to me.
Now after most recent MC I'm definitely not going to feel in any way reassured until after 12 weeks I don't think because I've had first trimester losses. Can totally see why you feel you won't feel safe even at 20 weeks now. It's sad isn't it, I feel like I've been a bit cheated out of that pregnancy excitement.
My friend bought a pram before her 12 week scan and I just couldn't help thinking how I'd love to have that calmness and surety about the whole thing.

@DHB I'm CD21 but only 2dpo because of late ovulation.

@DHB I'm CD17 now and no sign of ovulation yet on CB tests. Empty circles only! Flo app predicts I won't ovulate until CD21 based on my dates and the length of my last cycle and I think it might be right!

@Jessie30 I'm only calm because I know I've come through struggles before and there's no reason why I can't do it again! I might save the blog for some late night reading.

@oop I also feel cheated 🤷🏻‍♀️ however, I'm going to really really drink in all the joy of being pregnant next time as I don't think I did it much with Jude's pregnancy and when we lost him I really felt sad that I hadn't savoured it more. I know pregnancy is hard and it's really rubbish at times when you're dealing with tough symptoms but I think I'll be much more present regardless.

Got my peak today at CD15, and typically my husband and I have had a row. Same thing happened last month 🫣

@Daniki oh no - typical!! Hope you manage to kiss and make up in time xx

@SnookyPook got over it and got the job done 😂😂 x

Hi everyone, hope everyone's doing OK? I've been MIA a bit... I'm more or less ready to give up I think.

2nd cycle since mmc, I had cramping and spotting on 6dpo...look like I'm about to get AF now very early... This will make my cycle 23 days this month 😔 I'm very worried there's something wrong with me... Maybe because I conceived so fast with my mmc and now my cycle have gone from the perfect 28 days to this.

I'm in such a state every month I'm considering giving up and coming to terms with my mmc being my last pregnancy as I don't have much time left and if there's something wrong I could be just setting myself up for another MC.

Finding it so hard to be in my own thoughts right now, and me and oh aren't in a good place.... Basically accused me of only wanting to be near him when I'm ovulating n use him to get pregnant and I feel like he's using my grief against me so it's making me feel like withdrawing that option completely n being done with it. 😢

@Kellyaust I think some MCs/MMCs/CPs etc can cause disturbance for a few cycles so it may well be within the norms. But, you have to decide what's right for you and your family. Even if you take some time out to really sit with the mmc and seeing how you feel it could be a good breather for you and OH. It's really unkind of him to have weaponised it like that though, definitely not okay! Will you have time at some point to have a chat with him and lay it all out on the table?

I guess I had set in my mind that I would conceive again really easily and the fact I haven't has thrown me for six.

The way he's behaved tbh I'm not sure I want to even discuss this with him, I almost feel like I've been held to ransom and I'm afraid to speak up in case he decided to not try for a baby... And that's not a good place to be. Maybe need to just pull myself away for a while to figure out what I'm willing to accept and what I want moving forward.

I hope you're doing well xx

Hope you don't mind me joining, and so sorry for everyone's losses. I have a daughter now 5 and since then have had four miscarriages and a neonatal loss earlier this year. Not aware of any common reason for this other than 'bad luck'. I'm starting to tentatively think of trying again a last time, next spring. I'm looking to start by trying to lose some weight and get into better shape - have been comfort eating steadily for the last few months.

I feel you 100%! Conceived in try 2. My cycle before it was a perfect 28 days. It's been 4 months since MMC surgery and my last cycle was a whopping 22 days. I thought the light cramping was implantation... nope, just an early visitor! Frustrating!!

My silver lining is my most fertile days likely happen BEFORE we fly to Canada for 3 weeks to stay with my parents, AND we conceived during our 2 week Christmas break so having a full 6 weeks off (we're both teachers) and 2 chances might be the missing link. Lol.

It is sooooo frustrating!!! Both months now I've had really bad cramping then spotting literally one time when I wipe... Then 4 days later AF starts! It's sole destroying!!

Well fingers crossed for you this will be your cycle 🤞

@Kellyaust so sorry that you're struggling. I know how hard it is when all you want is to be pregnant again. Especially when you hear about increased fertility for 3 months after a loss. Well, it's not happened for me in that time and it's hard not to feel gloomy about it. But I have to remind myself that it is perfectly normal for it to take a few cycles. Before the loss I wouldn't have thought much at all of not conceiving in just 3 cycles. On the other side, I'm so sorry there is some strife with your DH. Tensions and emotions etc are bound to be high on both sides right now. It's not an excuse for being cruel but hopefully you can manage to meet each other in conversation and clear the air. You might have seen a post from me on Friday that I'd also had a row with my DH. I suspect it's very common. It's so hard in those moments where you feel so alone. Sending you hugs.

@Greymalkin12 so sorry to hear of your losses - that is so so hard. I wish you all the best for trying again in the Springtime. 🌈🤞🏻

@inthewest all success for the Summer holidays!! Hopefully it will be good luck being on Summer break!

Welcome and so sorry for your losses @Greymalkin12 🤍 that must be so tough xx
I'm exactly the same, gained half a stone since 2nd mc 🫠never eaten so many crisps in my life!

im sorry you're struggling @Kellyaust it's so difficult having the hope and disappointment when ttc, even more stressful and difficult when you've lost a baby and then arguing with your partner on top. It's a lot to deal with xx

im the same as you all and have rowed with my husband about stuff which we would never argue about normally. I just have a shorter fuse generally, like extended pms! I dont know if it helps anyone else, but I find it helpful to attribute a lot of this to hormones. It's means it's not permanent, and it's not real anger, and try to just forgive each other and ourselves.

@Kellyaust completely get what you mean about ovulation and sex stress. before I got pregnant, ttc was making it harder between us around sex when it was all about the fertile window. It was just a knackering week 😅 and added pressure for us both, making it less fun. One day my husband didn't want to do it in the fertile window and I was irrationally anxious about that and 'missing a chance'. We didn't argue but I could tell he felt guilty and angry and it was just really sad.

We swapped to just dtd around every other day all month (minus the period week) and it helped massively, it just became part of our routine. And the month we swapped was the one I fell pregnant (despite later mc). that might help if it's an option?

if you want to give up trying for a month or even longer then follow your instincts, it doesn't mean you can't change your mind later or even mid month. It might help to take the pressure off you mentally, and you can enjoy time with your other half.

@SnookyPook I hate that 'raised fertility after Mc' it makes it feel even worse when you don't conceive quickly! I've heard it's actually a myth. We just have to believe that our bodies know when it's right.

@inthewest fingers crossed for you this month!

Hi everyone, I'm back from my last minute trip to Amsterdam and we had a wonderful time, however whilst we were away we found out our gorgeous dog has a Sarcoma that needs operating on tomorrow 😭and then I got struck down with D&V the day after we got home, so spent the whole weekend feeling rotten, which then sent me into a panic in case I was pregnant, for then AF to appear this morning.

So, I'm feeling pretty flat today. Grumpy and emotional. I'm hoping optomistic me will be back tomorrow but at the moment it feels like time is running away and the months are rushing by when I (like all of us!) just want to be pregnant.

Also reading your messages about cycles, mine have always been every 23 days, i thought this was in the normal range? Should i be looking at some way of extending the length? I thought it was good as ovulation came around quicker 😂x

@Vic231 massive hugs lovely. Double whammy of poorly dog and AF arriving must have been tough. Hope they're able to help your Pooch. Glad you at least had a wonderful time in Amsterdam! On the cycles, I think it's more if the luteal phase (the bit between ovulation and AF appearing) is short that it can indicate lower progesterone or something. So I think a luteal phase less than 11-12 days can be considered on the shorter side and could potentially benefit from being addressed - mainly because it might not give enough time for implantation before the womb lining starts to disintegrate. That said, it could be possible to have a shorter cycle and still have a decent luteal phase. OR to ha be a shorted one and have a successful pregnancy. Everything is so dependent on the individual isn't it!

Thank you @SnookyPook that makes a lot
of sense! I am learning so much in this Journey. From end of ovulation to AF is always 14 days for me so that's reassuring.

It just feels like one thing after another since the TFMR, MC and now poorly pooch but I know it's not and my mind is just making me feel down about everything. Need to put my positive pants on and get ready for when AF has gone!

How are you doing lovely? Where are you in your cycle? X

Thank you, i think it is very much pushed in your face how you should get preg again within the first 3 months so easily so when you don't it's hard to swallow, but you're right.... In a normal situation I wouldn't have thought anything of it taking longer than 3 months 😕 and I don't think any partner no matter how good they are can ever understand our desperation in wanting to conceive again ASAP. Xx