Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

[Teenyween14]

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

But you don’t know if you need any help. The tests have been fine. Do you think you might be taking resources away from a couple who genuinely need that appointment ?

If you're going private that's one thing. I wouldn't personally actually lie, but if you're comfy with that, well, you're paying so you're not hurting anyone else.
But if you are accessing NHS resources you don't necessarily need, and in doing so causing someone else to wait longer, that's completely unacceptable. That extra wait for someone else might mean the difference between them being able to have a child, and not.

Ugh men. Can you agree to say ‘ we have been having unprotected sex regularly in my fertile windows’ ?

To get appropriate help and treatment you really need to be honest and upfront. The doctors will be working under the assumption that you have been having regular unprotected sex and have not got pregnant. When in fact, you have been using a (not very effective, but still) method of preventing pregnancy. Its potentially a waste of everyone's time and you might end up with treatment that you don't need.

If it’s NHS then I agree with your partner , you are basically asking for treatment based on your age without really having tried to conceive naturally .

It’s not a mild white lie, it’s an outright lie, have you even TTC yet? It’s not clear from your post. I agree with your partner that in this situation you should try naturally first as there’s no indication whatsoever that you even need fertility treatment, you are wasting resources and appointments which other couples are desperately waiting for.

What @Orangio said.

It takes long enough on the nhs for those of us who have followed the rules and have fertility problems. If you're going private then fair enough.

Even if you’re going private I think it’s counter productive. They aren’t going to get an accurate picture based on a lie you’ve spun.

Please don't lie.

At your age you'll only have to try for 6 months anyway before you can be referred for tests.

You have no reason to believe there are any issues other than your age.

I conceived the first month we ditched protection a month before my 40th birthday.

You need to actually try for a baby before taking resources you may not need.

Is this private or NHS? If it’s NHS then please don’t lie. There are loads of couples who have been actively trying for over a year and not conceived (or may have had miscarriages). Those are the people that need medical intervention. I say this as someone who asked for a referral, got an appointment, but then I cancelled it as I found out I had fallen pregnant naturally against the odds!

Your tests came back normal so you don’t need to visit a fertility doctor. You haven’t been trying for a year (pulling out doesn’t count as ttc).

However, your fertility (and men too) declines dramatically in your late 30s and 40s. Why don’t you actively ttc for 6 months and then seek help if you haven’t fallen pregnant? You and your DH aren’t at an age where you can wait years for a house before ttc. You might be in your mid 40s by that point.

Private? Do what you want.

Using public’s money? Don’t fucking lie.

As someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages, aged over 35 and had been trying for more than 6m and yet STILL did not qualify for help, please don't take help away from couples that actually need it. 😭

I’m laughing at “ejecting” sorry 😂

Is this NHS? If you haven't even been TTC, then you are taking an appt slot away from someone who could have been waiting on the list TTC for years. They could be 39 as well. How selfish! (And i say that as someone who had fertility treatment and was waiting on that list). Good on your OH for having some ethics.

Honestly OP, I’d be reconsidering having a baby with a man who has been routinely lying to me every time we had sex.

But no, you shouldn’t take the appointment as you’d be using nhs resources under false pretences.

For what it’s worth op, I get pregnant quite easily but I have never got pregnant just from being off the pill and having unprotected sex generally. I have always had to get the exact date of ovulation correct and have sex on that day so just because you haven’t been actively trying doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to run into problems.

Your DP is right. There's a difference between saying you've been trying six months when it's been five, and lying when you haven't tried at all. You are taking resources from others.

OP, this is a tangent, but are you absolutely sure your partner wants a baby and you haven't worn him down into submission? I say this gently and in reference to your comment that you've been 'trying to get him to commit for a year'.

Very good friend of mine was in similar position and her DH kept putting it off and putting it off. There was always something they needed to do first, like move closer to parents, buy a house and then buy a car. She eventually did get pregnant after he finally 'relented' but he walked out when baby was 5 months old saying he never wanted to be a father.

I guess my point is that having a baby has to be a joint, totally mutual decision...something you are both 100% sure you want.

@MindatWork I don’t see how he has been lying to her??

OP no you should not lie if you’re accessing NHS support.

YABVVVU.

We used withdrawal method for 18 months before conceiving naturally in the 1st month of trying in the fertile window, twice. We did pay privately for a joint fertility MOT to make sure no apparent issues before we started. Its was <£500 (London), easy and really useful.

Fertility treatment isn't fun. And can be hard on your body
Why would you go through all of that when you don't know it's necessary? And yes you're taking NHS capacity from others who actually need it.

You know how horrific infertility treatment is, don't you? This is one of the stupidest things I've ever read. God help any kids you do have if this is your attitude to parenthood from the start.

Oh ignore my previous response - I read it that he’d been lying about whether he’d finished inside you or not (that’s a phrase I never thought I’d type…).

Still don’t think you should take the apppintment. You could get pregnant next month if he does it properly…

I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying

I’ve never heard of anyone doing this. Good on your partner for not wanting to lie.

The tests and appointment is pointless if you haven't even tried once.