Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

[Teenyween14]

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

I agree with all of this.

To put it in perspective, DH and I used withdrawal method for 7 years (because we weren't trying to get me pregnant)* and I did not get pregnant. We then stopped using withdrawal i.e started trying to get me pregnant and I got pregnant on the first cycle.

So you certainly don't know whether you need any fertility help and should not be lying to jump ahead of couples genuinely struggling.

*although if I had got pregnant we would have progressed with it

I think the first step is actually getting your partner to ejaculate inside. If he refuses rondo that no amount of potential fertility treatment will solve your problems....

So yes, lying in this situation is morally and ethically wrong. You know it.

The problem is your partner. He doesn't want a baby as much as you.

You are welcome to seek tests privately

Its not a mild white lie, it's a great fat whopping lie to jump the queue. It takes so long because there is a lot of demand, and you would be taking away resources from a couple that need them. You haven't been trying, and there's nothing to indicate you need to see the fertility clinic.

PS if you've already had tests yourself then him going privately for tests will be cheaper and quicker, then you both know where you are.

If you're both on board with TTC then take your vitamins and crack on.

That's no indication there's anything wrong with either of you. Withdrawal method is something like 94% effective when used perfectly (www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4254803/). It's laughed about a lot on MN but it's actually similar efficacy to condoms, assuming your partner has the self control required. So assuming you've been doing it correctly, it's perfectly normal you haven't conceived. It would be unusual if you had.

Just be aware that if you use a fertility clinic without actually trying to get pregnant naturally, you'll automatically be classed as high risk during pregnancy. Natural, and you will probably be low risk.

That means more intervention and less chance of having a natural, spontaneous delivery etc. Not necessarily good for you or baby.

Ruined the link: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4254803/

If you can't afford to buy a house, how can you afford to have a baby?

Men?! Wtf?? You know the woman is in the wrong here, not the man?

Afraid I agree with a pp, this man does not want kids. You are 38, nearly 39, and he is not even properly trying
what a waste of your fertile years. Not his, he has loads left

Great start to a new life- based on a lie!

Oh don’t be stupid.

He doesn’t want a baby. He’s fobbing you off

Do you often lie?

Is this why he is reluctant to start a family with you?

You don't need help - you've not even tried. Your DH is correct.

Stop it.

You haven't even started trying and you are clogging up the system for people who actually need help.

Why are you doing that?

Just stop.

Its not a mild white lie, it's a great fat whopping lie to jump the queue

This.

A 'mild white lie' on strained NHS resources whilst people who actually need this service are patiently waiting in line.

But, you haven’t tried to conceive? How do you know you need help? YABU

Sorry, just realised this isn’t in AIBU! You need to try naturally first though! There is enough strain on the NHS.

You don't have a fertility problem, you have a partner not wanting to conceive with you problem!

YABVU as someone who had 2 years of various procedures followed by 7 years of ivf to finally conceive our amazing dd. You have no idea what it is like to go through, it’s not a nice experience at all and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The hormones, the sickness, the risk for me and baby, the strain on your relationship and the list goes on. It isn’t an easy fix.

You haven’t tried and have lied because of your age taking valuable resources away from people who have done everything they can to get their baby and so so sadly many of them won’t. I’m one of the lucky ones but to take advantage of a really expensive service when you may not even need it is shocking.

Fertility treatment puts a massive strain on relationships and from being a part of fertility forums over the years many couples didn’t make it through. Starting out on a lie, one your partner isn’t willing to support is really asking for trouble.

I had fertility treatment (unexplained infertility) to have our DS - IVF with ICSI.

I don't know how many tests or what sort you had but if I could have avoided the tests on my fallopian tubes - extremely uncomfortable as dye has to be injected into them. , the regime of drugs over two cycles, the egg collection and the endless monitoring I would have done it.

Be very careful that the lie doesn't end up with you getting fertility treatment when you don't need it. It's not a cosy 'alternative' process - it's invasive, can be painful and carries risks. If I hadn't needed it, I wouldn't have done it if you'd paid me. We tried for a year before seeking help.

Exactly this.

yabu for trying to take fertility treatment from couples who genuinely need it. shag properly and you might be surprised what happens - if not contact the gp in 6 months. smh