Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

[Teenyween14]

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

OP must be talking about NHS, you can self-refer directly to a private IVF clinic. So there is no “it can take a while to get help” hurdle. You just email them and make an appointment. (Speaking from personal experience).

It’s morally wrong to lie to get NHS treatment. If you want to avoid a queue, you pay.

To be honest it sounds more like you just need a sperm donor OP. They are also available privately.

I notice he’s a partner not a husband
Are you sure he’s as committed to this as you?

Oh stop it’s always men in the wrong on MN, even if they’re right!

I've had recurrent miscarriages.

If you can access services through lying that I can't, then that's reprehensible.

This won't go well for you, OP.

Good old MN... leave him!! Always the solution to all of life's problems!!!

He's told her he wants a baby now, ideally wanted a house first but now that's not on the cards, so wants to try for a baby, he is just not willing to lie to access treatment they don't need!

Very old fashioned. My partner has been my partner for over 20 years. Many more years than many people I know with husbands. Marriage does not necessarily mean you are more committed!

Not sure if already said as haven’t read the whole thread, but this could also lead to treatment which could be dangerous and unnecessary. For example, clomid is often given as a first line of defence (even if tests are normal) and can increase risk of ectopic, twins etc. Imagine how you’d feel if you had one of those treatments unnecessarily and ended up with an issue that could have been avoided.

I have been NHS and private for IVF. They are going to ask you a lot of very specific questions, so it's not going to be an easy lie of "oh we have been trying for 6 months." They want DETAILS. Plus your partner is going to have to wank in a pot, probably several times. Better he gives it to you first, preferably for at least 6 months and every 3 to 5 days.

People like me and my husband who do have fertility problems had to wait a very long time for help at every single stage of the process, appointments, tests and, eventually, unsuccessful fertility treatment, which we're only allowed one round of despite likely needing a lot more than that. The wait time alone was very stressful, never mind any other aspect of it. Please don't use NHS resources you don't need, pay privately for a fertility MOT for both of you and try naturally first, since most people don't need the help we do.

What???
I don't have either, but a baby doesn't require a 20k down payment and loads of people have children and rent their homes.

Like start trying for a baby naturally?

Just to add another voice, this isn’t a white lie - it is a lie, and one that will affect other people.

You haven’t been trying - whether you wanted to be, and the issue with your partner, is separate to the issue of accessing rare and sought after NHS treatment. I was refused IVF in my late 30s, despite having tried for two years and having a miscarriage and having endometriosis. Why? Because I hadn’t been trying for two years since the miscarriage. I didn’t lie even though I had many factors which would indicate fertility was an issue. I am exactly the kind of person that would be bumped down a waiting list if someone else came in and said they had been trying for x years.

and yes it’s s*t that there’s such tight resources and it’s a massive postcode lottery. And waiting to TTC is hard f**ing work. The criteria are there to try and make it fair and accessible for everyone.

If you can afford to do so initially, go private - where there is no issue about having to meet certain criteria.

He doesn't want a child and you telling lies to get fertility treatment on the nhs is disgusting

He’s delayed one year!

Why is "lie" in quotation marks in the thread title? Of course it would be a lie! And not a "mild white lie", as you said in your OP. A white lie is something you tell to spare someone's feelings, not to benefit yourself.

IVF is a very gruelling process. It should be used as a last resort. It's very unfair to take the place of people who are confirmed to have fertility problems.

Sorry but this is just wrong. We are having some tests before a year of trying but we are paying for them ourselves. To take up NHS resources and make some poor couple wait that much longer is wrong.

If you want treatment/tests before a year, pay for them yourself.

So, is OP:

Ending her relationship so she can find a more suitable co-parent?

Bonking non-stop, no withdrawal allowed?

Ignoring Mumsnet feedback and carrying on just as before?

not what she wanted to hear so I’d go for ignoring mumsnet and cracking on. I don’t think its all on OP though, her DP needs to step up and tell her straight so she can move on and find a willing donor/partner.

What a sad situation 😔

You're not having fertility issues though are you so why are you even going to the appointment? Just start trying properly like normal people do.

To be fair, there isn’t any indication that he doesn’t want kids. DH wanted kids a lot earlier than me and I always said “not now”, and then we started trying when I was ready. Men can also have the same approach.

I’m guessing OP isn’t going to come back then.

I don't understand why you would be going to a fertility clinic when you haven't been doing the necessary to get pregnant?
If he is not ejaculating inside you then he does not want to get you pregnant.
What is he playing at?
Unfortunately you have a fertility window while he does not, you don't have time to wast on this nonsense.

Quite. I kept re-reading the OP to see what I'd missed.

He wanted a house first. The economic climate indicates that is not possible. He's agreed to try.

What he hasn't agreed to is to be an active participant in the OPs morally repugnant plan.

If he wasn't about to walk away previously, he may well do now she has shown a very unattractive element of her personality i.e. willing to lie/cheat/steal in order to unnecessarily queue jump and demanding he do the same.