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Conception

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Original poster

Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

203 replies

Teenyween14 · 19/12/2022 14:28

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 19/12/2022 17:10

Im guessing you are panicked because of your age and the NHS cut offs for older women. I won’t judge you too harshly as I can empathise with that panic.

But as everyone has said the natural progression is for you to try not pulling out. I wish you all the best.

If your AMH and tubes are ok then that’s a very good start. It’s my understanding if there was something wrong with your dp’s sperm and you did ICSI later down the line, then that is much easier to treat than if the problems were with your tubes or eggs.

WishIhadacrystalball · 19/12/2022 17:10

Givinguponthissituation · 19/12/2022 15:53

I support you OP. Everyone else is lying and exaggerating. Do what you need to do to get what you need. This is the way the world is.

Wow what a selfish attitude. It’s people like this who make the wait so long for those actually in need. Disgusting.

GuyGomasWife · 19/12/2022 17:15

It is gross to lie if you are going down the NHS route. Completely morally bankrupt

Mygosh · 19/12/2022 17:21

I can't understand why you want to put yourself through fertility treatment because of your partner's unwillingness. Does he want a baby? Why is he choosing not to ejaculate inside you? Surely he understands the basics of conception! It would make more sense to try naturally first, even if it's just for a short time. Does he understand the procedure you are about to put yourself through?

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2022 17:21

In some people's world using the withdrawal method is akin to trying, I've seen as much said on here many times!

GyozaGuiting · 19/12/2022 17:24

My DH and I used withdrawal for 2 years.
The 4 times we tried to get pregnant it happened:
1st month
1st month
3rd month
2nd month
So you may get pregnant straight away, pull out method is not ‘trying’.

LondonJax · 19/12/2022 17:29

Givinguponthissituation · 19/12/2022 15:53

I support you OP. Everyone else is lying and exaggerating. Do what you need to do to get what you need. This is the way the world is.

Well, I'm definitely not lying. We went privately because of my age. I had tests on my fallopian tubes - dye injected to get a scan. Then a number of internal scans. Then a regime of drugs to inject over the course of a month. Then a final injection at the right time for ovulation.

Then into hospital to have the eggs retrieved, DH having to do the sperm sample. Then being told it hadn't worked....

Start again with a higher dose of drugs and the stress of knowing this was your last shot.

And finally getting the news that, finally, you were pregnant.

At egg retrieval you can experience period pain afterwards.

To get all these things done you have to have time off work. Even going privately you may have week day appointments which you must attend as your cycle may not coincide with a weekend appointment.

And you are warned about the risk of OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). The symptoms of which include nausea, bloating and discomfort in many women who get it. If it's severe you can get fluid in the tummy and on the lungs and very swollen ovaries.

If the OP is happy to take a chance with all that rather than take 6 months TTC naturally, then good luck to her. Personally, had I had the opportunity, I'd have avoided it. IVF is not something to be taken lightly. But, yeah OP, you do what you need to do - just keep your fingers crossed you're not one of the 1% of women who get blood clots with OHSS. Yes, it's rare. But it happens or you wouldn't be warned about it. But go ahead and have an invasive procedure rather than try naturally first - because we're all liars and exaggerating...

WeeOrcadian · 19/12/2022 17:29

I haven't RTFT

You have bigger issues than your age. The fact that your OH hasn't been ejaculating inside you tells me that he doesn't want a baby (yet? With you? St all?)
The fact that you're trying to convince him to go along with this tells me you want a baby and want him to outright lie to facilitate this. And it is just that - a barefaced lie.
I suspect he's been toeing the line to placate you but isn't 100% on the idea.

I suggest a sit down with OH, hash it all out and work out what's going on.

And don't be a selfish arse if you're referring to NHS testing, a quick Google search will tell you that the NHS is on its knees and there are SO many people who legitimately need help but funding means they don't get it. Go private if you like but don't be a dick.

Algor1thm · 19/12/2022 17:45

If he hasn't ejaculated inside you then you haven't been trying. That's a method of contraception. Regardless of what they tell teenagers, the chances of getting pregnant without him ejaculating are absolutely miniscule.

Why would you go down the angle of fertility treatment if you haven't even tried one month? What a waste of NHS time and money. You're making waiting lists longer for people who actually need it.

Bog · 19/12/2022 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SamPoodle123 · 19/12/2022 17:49

Do not wait to try having a dc. If you struggle at 39, it will be too late for IVF. I do not think NHS even covers it after 40 and chances of getting pregnany via IVF after 35 greatly reduces and after 40 almost impossible. Such a small percentage.

Shatterproof9 · 19/12/2022 17:52
  1. you simply haven’t been trying for a baby. That’s bullshit
  2. You actually need his consent you know? They will investigate both of you, and what if he’s not up for doing samples when you haven’t even tried naturally.

give over op, do the right thing , don’t started using the nhs unless you know you need it, because right now, you don’t know. You’re just taking advantage by lying

GenderNormans · 19/12/2022 17:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

OooScotland · 19/12/2022 17:57

I think the ‘what to tell the clinic’ thing has been done…

You’re forcing his hand dragging him for fertility testing/treatment when he obviously doesn’t want a baby.

You’re not married (not that that is either here or there these days, I’ll just say that marriage changes nothing, and yet it changes everything) and you don’t have a house. You’ve been nagging him to ‘commit’ for a year. At this point in time I’d be more worried about my relationship if I were you that conceiving a child. 39 is not young, but its not the end of life and possibilities.

billy1966 · 19/12/2022 17:59

MzHz · 19/12/2022 16:26

@Teenyween14 gently, he doesn’t want to have kids with you. You’re going to waste the very short period left of your fertility on someone who doesn’t want kids with you.

face the facts. End this asap and look for a decent man who wants kids with you.

Absolutely this.

OP, having to harrass a man into TTC is not the way to go.

That he withdraws to avoid getting you pregnant says a lot.

You are wasting your time, I'm sorry.

NamelessTemptress01 · 19/12/2022 18:02

Why have you not tracked your cycle and tried for at least 2 or 3 months? Bizarre

diamondpony80 · 19/12/2022 18:02

So if you hadn't used protection for 2 years, did you think you'd been trying for a baby all that time? How could you not know that he wasn't ejaculating inside you? Where WAS he ejaculating? This is a very strange story.

mrsbitaly · 19/12/2022 18:11

Honestly you may not even need it. If you are fertile and your partner has a good sperm count if you lie that you have been having unprotected sex for some time then they will want to dig deeper and run even more tests which wouldn't be necessary as you haven't given it a proper chance. It's not a great place to start planning for a child if you are not on the same page

Viviennemary · 19/12/2022 18:13

It is a total waste of everybody's time if you lie like this. Even if you go private its simply not on.IMHO.

Twizbe · 19/12/2022 18:15

Op obviously didn't like the answers so hasn't returned

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 19/12/2022 18:22

He clearly doesn’t know that you can get pregnant even if he doesn’t ejaculate. Just one rogue sperm in his pre cum is all it takes.

saltofcelery · 19/12/2022 18:23

Well, your doctor referred you based on your lie. There are people who've been trying for a baby for years and you think you deserve to hop into the queue alongside them? You don't even have any fertility issues that you're aware of!

Totally selfish, even if you are doing it privately.

Msmbc · 19/12/2022 18:25

RoseslnTheHospital · 19/12/2022 14:34

To get appropriate help and treatment you really need to be honest and upfront. The doctors will be working under the assumption that you have been having regular unprotected sex and have not got pregnant. When in fact, you have been using a (not very effective, but still) method of preventing pregnancy. Its potentially a waste of everyone's time and you might end up with treatment that you don't need.

Withdrawal is actually pretty effective, nearly as effective as condoms when done correctly www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4254803/

ThePear · 19/12/2022 18:27

OP writes in a manner which doesn’t scream ‘love’ for her boyfriend.

OooScotland · 19/12/2022 18:28

diamondpony80 · 19/12/2022 18:02

So if you hadn't used protection for 2 years, did you think you'd been trying for a baby all that time? How could you not know that he wasn't ejaculating inside you? Where WAS he ejaculating? This is a very strange story.

The fact that he has kept that up (as it were 🥴) for two years says he loves her but he really really doesn’t want a child.

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