Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

[Teenyween14]

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

So you haven’t been trying . This may be a complete waste of everyone’s time and valuable resources

1. it is lying, not a white lie but a full lie

2. if he's still not ejaculating inside of you he doesn't actually want to concieve, his 'i don't want to lie' is him trying to look all noble but its really that he doesn't want the help as he doesn't want a baby!

Guess depends when the clinic appointment will be. If you're at referral stage and unlikely to get an appointment for 6 months (or you can get a couple of dates pushed back) then may as well keep it and if you're trying and unsuccessful then it won't be lying when you get to your appointment. If it's next week then you haven't been trying!

Sounds like a CD 💿
Great term though!

Interesting that you mention strain on relationships with fertility treatments
Two couples I knew , both desperate for a baby had fertility treatment, both had two children in quick succession- and promptly divorced.

It seemed like the wanting and yearning was more important than the reality of family life.
A great shame.

( Children do put a strain on relationships though)

I don’t understand the inverted commas - if you’re talking about NHS fertility investigations that’s a big, proper lie and will absolutely take resources from people who fit the criteria.
There’s every chance you will conceive naturally if you give it a few months, the withdrawal method is about 80% effective over the course of a year so it’s totally disingenuous to say as a couple you’ve been trying to conceive for any amount of time.
Also - of course he would prefer to try naturally first - why on earth would that not be plan a other than where medically necessary? IVF is expensive and pretty grim at times.
I’d crack on straight away (if he actually does want a child with you). You’ve then got 6 months in which time you can get a private semen test if it’s so important to you, make sure you fit the BMI criteria etc, and you’ll probably get a clearer idea of how keen your partner is.

It takes long enough on the nhs for those of us who have followed the rules and have fertility problems.

He sounds an honest man.

Partner is right to not want to do this, you’ve not been ‘trying’ and you want to fabricate trouble conceiving in order to take NHS appointments away from people who have been waiting a long time for treatment? Mad. You’ll look like a fool if you go to an appointment and it comes out (which it will as they will look quite thoroughly for a reason you have not conceived) that you’ve been practising natural birth control until now.

If you want an immediate pre-emptive health check go private. If you can’t afford that you need to wait until you know there is a problem, being 39 is no excuse to queue jump if you’ve only just decided you want to get pregnant. Plus fertility tests and treatment are really unpleasant. Why would you want to put yourself through that when you don’t have to?

He’s either a much more honest person than you OP and you have quite misaligned values, or he’s hesitant to start a family with you. Or both.
Sorry if that’s a bit harsh - but does it not occur to you that the reason there’s a long wait for lots of people who truly need help, is in part because of people like you taking the piss?

If you've had private assessment and all was fine, him having a private semen analysis would only be about £200 so worth just buying.

It is unethical to take NHS resources you don't need

At least TRY to get pregnant naturally! It's ludicrous to want access to help with fertility without knowing if you even need it!

You haven't been trying. Why would you be having tests and lie when you don't know if you need help?

Your DP is far more honourable than you are. Shame on you.

Blimey I couldn’t get NHS fertility treatment over 25 years ago and had to pay to see someone.
I can’t imagine what the queues would be like now, so I imagine there will be a long wait.

But you may not need help. I fell pregnant as soon as TTC age 39. It's also incredibly selfish of you, this is on the NHS which is hardly a profiteering private clinic. It's on its knees and quite honestly how it's able to afford fertility treatment now is hugely controversial and questionable and I say this as someone who had fertility treatment for my 2nd albeit privately so I have no agenda with fertility treatment but pls don't lie to access something that is publicly funded that you dob't even know you actually need!

Nhs or private?

I have to be honest here and say you are effectively wanting to defraud a publicly funded health care service and it's disgusting. Funding for IVF should go to couples who actually need it not the likes of you who just can't be bothered to try naturally sorry. People who take the piss like you ruin it for everyone else who genuinely need it when the funds get reduced/pulled totally

100% agree

Ignore peoples comments about lying and taking away resources. If you have been referred through NHS likely you will have a long wait till you get an appointment anyway unfortunately - and the current NHS advice is to seek fertility advice if you are over 35 and have been trying for at least 6 months.
if you start trying properly now then you’ll probably meet this criteria by the time you are seen and of course if you get pregnant in the meantime then you just cancel the referral. In the meantime if your OH isn’t willing to see the GP and ‘lie’ he could ask for semen analysis due to both your ages - if GP says no then you could pay privately for this. This is just the first step in fertility help and is one of the cheaper tests in the scheme of things so at least if you both have had the preliminary testing before you actually see a consultant you’ll have a starting point of info.

I get that you are 39 and you're anxious about whether you will be able to get pregnant quickly and want to get into the system asap.

But as someone who has been in the fertility 'system' for 4 years, you really don't want to go through the invasive procedures etc if you can help it.

What you are doing is unethical and unfair, s so many PP have said. For people like me, who are absolutely exhausted with the whole thing, it's just devastating to see people like you who have not even tried yet wanting to skip the queue.

Your husband is right and you need to at least try for 6 months first. If you don't want to do that, sorry but you need to go private, not use valuable NHS resources that you do not yet even know you need. Even booking in appointments etc is taking up NHS time from people who actually know that they need it.

Please go private if you want to 'skip the queue'.

I support you OP. Everyone else is lying and exaggerating. Do what you need to do to get what you need. This is the way the world is.

This.

I'm waiting to see a specialist for pain reducing surgery. I've been waiting over 18 months just for my initial appointment. And you're jumping the queue for fertility treatment because you cant be bothered to actively try.

You’re taking an appointment someone else could need. And why are you wanting a baby with a man that obviously doesn’t want one?

if you start trying properly now then you’ll probably meet this criteria by the time you are seen

@Greenllama123 That's not the advice though, is it?

You are meant to seek help when you've been trying for 6 months, and most people are going by that as a guideline, so OP is skipping ahead.

Also, we had an initial appointment within about 2 months of referral, so it's not true that she'll 'probably meet the criteria by the time they're seen'. They don't know how long it will take to be seen and it could well still be premature.

OP is trying to give herself an unfair advantage to skip ahead and she needs to stop. They haven't even started trying yet.

For me the first steps (we'd been trying for 3 years) were blood tests and an internal ultrasound. I had swabs taken to check for any infection and they checked my smear was up to date. I had a HSG done (hysterosalpingogram) and my husband had to do 2 semen samples.

So some quite invasive tests for me in particular and they unfortunately showed that we both have fertility issues. I think you'd be wasting yours and the doctors time if you haven't actually been trying. I think you should try for a year and see how you get on to be honest.

Wow. I’ve been waiting 18 months for an appointment after trying for 2 years . And people like you want to lie and jump the queue. Try like everyone else. There’s a reason why your partner is holding back. Maybe you need to examine that before Trying to conceive .

At your age they will refer after 6 months of actively trying