Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

[Teenyween14]

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

They have not been trying AT ALL.

He withdraws. For 2 years.

Also the nhs waiting list might not be as long as you think. We were referred in july/Aug last year. 1st appointment in the October, hsg in December. All bloods and semen analysis was done by our gp in June prior to the referral.

It doesn't matter if it's private or NHS , you are wasting a doctors time.

Honestly OP, have some ethics! Lying just for the sake of getting tested without even TTC is so unfair! You don't even know how painful it is to go through a series of miscarriages and wait several months to access fertility treatment is... You could be potentially blocking the access to a couple in real need of treatment by this attitude of yours!

Wonder what you would teach the kids if you have this kind of behaviour before they are even here!

This is crazy.
What a waste of everyone's time and effort.
The doctor will be working on the assumptions you have told them OP, and plan a course of investigation based on your lies.
Fertility investigations can be uncomfortable, unpleasant & time consuming.

And usually start with a semen sample with couples, because that is the easiest, least intrusive place to begin.
Is your OH Ok ejaculating into a cup- possibly in a medical setting?

But she doesn't need it, that's the point.

Thay could start TTC now.

If you'd been trying for 10 months (say) and you told the GP it had been a year, I can understand that lie. If you haven't been trying at all then saying you've been trying for a year is just a waste of everyone's time.

I would try for at least six months OP. Can you postpone the appointment? My partner and I used the pull out method for six years (!) with no mishaps then fell pregnant on our second cycle of actively TTC.

OP, you say DP has ‘declared’ that he wants to start trying.

Has he been as good as his word and started TTC properly?

If not I think he’s just agreeing to have a child for a quiet life. Have you really talked to him to make sure he’s totally on board? Not agreeing to go along with your plan to lie to the fertility clinic sounds to me as if he doesn’t want a child, and possibly never will.

In my experience, at the next appointments they don't actually ASK you how long you have been trying etc. The woman has all sort of invasive treatments as described above, and the guy needs to bring his sperm and the sperm is analysed. They don't ask him any Qs.
So this won't come up, but if I were you I would IMMEDIATELY start trying properly as quite apart from the ethics, it is not pleasant to go through it if you don't have to.

Much easier to just have sex the regular way and see if you conceive. Loads of people catch naturally quite quickly at your age. Why would you choose invasive tests and procedures and drugs if you don’t need then? I don’t understand this at all.

You need to try for 6 months first before going to the go for fertility tests
Tbh though it sounds like he doesn’t want kids.

OP, I really don’t see what you expect this appointment to do
for you if your DH has been withdrawing all this time and you have not made any attempt to TTC. If he is doing this because he is not really interested in having a
child, how will the appointment change that? And if you have concerns about your fertility without having actually TTC naturally, how will all the investigations and treatments affect that? After all, if our feel you’re running out of time, surely the easiest thing is to start shagging properly ASAP if DH agrees and, if he won’t, perhaps you should consider whether he is the right man to father your child, as PP have said.

I find this hugely insulting to people wih real fertility issues.

Not going to repeat everything that has been said about resources but you really need to be crazy to be considering under going a huge amount of invasive testing, let alone treatment that you make not need, some of that treatment which may result in multiple eggs etc. (Extreme i know but they might try it based on your lies). You could end up doing more harm than good.

Right now you need sperm. If you partner doesn't want you to have it, then that is a much bigger issue. I don't believe this man wants a child.

Sorry to be harsh but you need a wake up call.

You want ‘help’ even though you haven’t actually tried yet? You could have unprotected sex in your fertile period next month and get pregnant straight away!

Agree with your dp.
it’s not ‘a mild white lie’ it’s just lie, you haven’t been trying for 2 years, you’ve no idea if you even have any problems.
it is taking the apt away from someone who may have actually been trying for a while, and you may be put for tests you don’t even need.
agree with your dp, you need to actually start trying naturally.

Does your partner even actually want a baby? Doesn’t sound like it.

Is your 'finally declared' supposed to be funny?

Because it comes over as an odd thing to say.

It makes it sound as if your partner calls the shots and you do as he wants, or doesn't want.

How long have you been with him?

Why have you got to almost 39 and stayed with a man who has delayed TTC for at least 2 years? Is he truly wonderful in other ways?

I know it's not what you asked, or maybe want to hear now, but maybe you could consider the strength of your relationship before doing anything else.

Have you stayed with him hoping and hoping he'd come round to TTC as you knew that at 38 time was running out?

Seems like the 'problem' you have getting pregnant is that your partner doesn't want to have a baby. Will you tell the doctor that too?

I think it’s pretty reprehensible to lie but I also think you have much bigger problems than that. I am not at all convinced that your partner actually wants children with you. Sorry.

I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying.

I think this is panic speaking as I don't think it's true at all.

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

The widely cited statistic that one in three women ages 35 to 39 will not be pregnant after a year of trying, for instance, is based on an article published in 2004 in the journal Human Reproduction. Rarely mentioned is the source of the data: French birth records from 1670 to 1830. The chance of remaining childless—30 percent—was also calculated based on historical populations.

....

One study, published in Obstetrics & Gynecology in 2004 and headed by David Dunson (now of Duke University), examined the chances of pregnancy among 770 European women. It found that with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds. (The fertility of women in their late 20s and early 30s was almost identical—news in and of itself.)

....

Another study, released this March in Fertility and Sterility and led by Kenneth Rothman of Boston University, followed 2,820 Danish women as they tried to get pregnant. Among women having sex during their fertile times, 78 percent of 35-to-40-year-olds got pregnant within a year, compared with 84 percent of 20-to-34-year-olds. A study headed by Anne Steiner, an associate professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine, the results of which were presented in June, found that among 38- and 39-year-olds who had been pregnant before, 80 percent of white women of normal weight got pregnant naturally within six months (although that percentage was lower among other races and among the overweight). “In our data, we’re not seeing huge drops until age 40,” she told me.
...
In Dunson’s study of modern women, the difference in pregnancy rates at age 28 versus 37 is only about 4 percentage points. Fertility does decrease with age, but the decline is not steep enough to keep the vast majority of women in their late 30s from having a child. And that, after all, is the whole point.

I am 39 years old in may. Does that mean you are currently 38 - in which case I really cant see why you wouldn't give it 6 months of actually trying. Anecdotally I know many women who got pg in late 30 early 40s - I wouldn't put it off any longer but I would seriously try TTC.

Are you rushing ahead with fertility treatment as a means of coercing your partner into fatherhood? Refusing to ejaculate inside you is a clear signal that he does not want to conceive. You need enthusiastic consent from your prospective co-parent.

We spent years on and off using the withdrawal method with no hiccups. When we tried for our babies we got pregnant first/second time x3. Seems crazy that you’re trying to get referred before you’ve even tried?!?

Dh and I successfully used withdrawal method for a decade (I know!) Then we started trying and it happened on the 3rd cycle. I think your dh is right

Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is on board with trying, how it normally works is you have a chat about trying for a baby, when you are both happy to (and other things such as marriage/housing are sorted) you then try. What's happened here is you've talked about it, he hasn't agreed and so you haven't even tried, out of frustration (I'm guessing) you've faked having fertility issues, I'm not sure what you are going to gain from this? Just because you are 39 doesn't mean you can't conceive, why would you lie and take appointments away from couples who are trying and (both) wanting a baby?