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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

203 replies

Teenyween14 · 19/12/2022 14:28

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 19/12/2022 16:06

Orangio · 19/12/2022 14:32

If you're going private that's one thing. I wouldn't personally actually lie, but if you're comfy with that, well, you're paying so you're not hurting anyone else.
But if you are accessing NHS resources you don't necessarily need, and in doing so causing someone else to wait longer, that's completely unacceptable. That extra wait for someone else might mean the difference between them being able to have a child, and not.

This. If you're relying on the NHS then lying could impact someone else.

Holeinthetoad · 19/12/2022 16:07

Just call the clinic and say due to personal reasons could you please reschedule for 6 months time. Then you’ll either be pregnant or have an appointment to go to

Hibye23289 · 19/12/2022 16:08

Does he defo want a baby? Seems like he has tried to put it off a fee times

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2022 16:09

He needs to spend a few months dumping his load in your vag first.

ineedastrongercoffee · 19/12/2022 16:11

oakleaffy · 19/12/2022 15:37

Interesting that you mention strain on relationships with fertility treatments
Two couples I knew , both desperate for a baby had fertility treatment, both had two children in quick succession- and promptly divorced.

It seemed like the wanting and yearning was more important than the reality of family life.
A great shame.

( Children do put a strain on relationships though)

Show quote history

I had 5 rounds of IVF before finally having our (now nearly 4 year old) twins.

The physical, emotional & financial stress is immense. The amount of drugs I pumped into my body was obscene. We were literally on our final try having spent over £20k. Most couples (thankfully) don't have that kind of lead up to getting pregnant. Then we had a very complicated twin pregnancy, followed by a premature birth and weeks spent in neo natal.

Then the hard work really begins when you bring them home.

I sometimes feel very bitter about our journey to become parents. I think my DH certainly feels almost cheated, he had this almost romanticized idea of having children - then the reality of sleepless nights & tantrums hits home.

My relationship with my DH is totally different, we're more like business partners now rather than an intimate married couple. It's quite sad really. I hope the spark returns, but for the time being I have absolutely no desire to do any of this on my own. I guess time will tell...............

fortifiedwithtea · 19/12/2022 16:12

Putting aside ethics OP take folic acid every day for at least 3 months before trying to conceive. Fertility treatment gets more invasive as time goes on.Its a long time ago so I can’t remember accurately what order of tests happens.

We had secondary infertility. First pregnancy ended in missed miscarriage. Second pregnancy was ectopic. Third pregnancy live birth , dd1 I was 32 years old. A year later tried for second baby and nothing. Suddenly I could not get pregnant. We tried for a year before going to the doctor.

I had a lap and die (spelling?) basically investigation under a GA incision through the belly button with camera and scape of the womb lining. Nothing abnormal found.

Husband’s sperm count test. Its exactly like Ben Elton’s book about fertility. Hospital do not provide a room to produce a sample and it has to be kept warm. Husband filled the sample pot at home. Shoved the jar down his trousers and drove 20 minutes across town to the hospital. Result all good.

Put on clomid. Clomid is awful, hated how it made me feel and the headaches were horrendous. After over a year without success IVF was suggested but blood test showed levels of can’t remember what were too high thanks to clomid. Was told to have a 2 month break without clomid and to test the mobility of husband’s sperm. On the second month of the clomid break we had to have sex, not shower and go to the hospital. At the hospital a nurse harvested the sperm from my vagina and looked under the microscope. Made us look too which was weird. About a week after that I had some pink spotting. Rang the hospital and asked same nurse should I start our last cycle of clomid? Nurse told us to hang fire, she had a feeling about us it wouldn’t be necessary. Roll on another week and our daughter needed to go to hospital overnight as she was poorly. Casually took a test as period was due and I wanted to know whether to pack tampons or not. To my surprise it was positive and dd2 was the result.

I was 36 by the time I had dd2.

Now the thing is I was classed as an older mother. There must have been a reason why I didn’t conceive naturally and although I love her life would have been very different had we stuck at just dd1. Our second daughter has learning disabilities and will never live fully independently. She has enriched our lives but is a constant source of worry.

OP I won’t judge you for bending the truth. you could be on a 3 year journey before you get a baby and time is not on your side. Go into it with your eyes open . Fertility treatment is stressful, it will put your relationship under strain . As with any age there are no guarantees of a child without additional needs but the risks go up as you age.

IAdoraDuncan · 19/12/2022 16:13

Can we please stop this 'it's okay if it's private'.

It's not!

Also, what about the moral and ethical issue of lying to a doctor?

OP you are subjecting yourself to tests and even invasive ones that may not be needed.

You have not been trying. You have had sex for 2 years using the withdrawal method.

For not a lot of money you could have a blood test (privately) to evaluate your egg reserve and your DP could have a sperm count/ quality test.

You should look into those before wasting drs' time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2022 16:14

He has delayed and delayed until you're in your late thirties? He doesn't want a baby. At least, not with you.Sad

sarahc336 · 19/12/2022 16:15

If your going nhs then I think that's awful, you are lying. If your going private it seems silly to spend 1000 of pounds when you could get pregnant totally fine. I feel for the genuine women who need fertility help when I read this post 😬

SomethingOriginal2 · 19/12/2022 16:15

If you're lying to access NHS services then YABVU you're taking someones spot who HAS been trying for years.

If you're paying privately do what you want but it seems silly not to at least try.

Siepie · 19/12/2022 16:17

Whether NHS or private, why would you put yourself through unnecessary medical treatment? Everything comes with risks and side effects.

Also make sure he's 100% committed to having a baby with you before you push him to try.

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/12/2022 16:17

I have a friend who is going through fertility treatment. She and her husband tried the natural way for years. The hormone injections are really doing a number on her mental health.
You don't even know yet if you can get pregnant naturally, because you haven't been trying! You need an intense bonkathon over the next few months, and get one of those apps that track your cycle.
Rushing into invasive treatments when you may be able to conceive naturally is just silly, and a waste of time and resources.

SofiaSoFar · 19/12/2022 16:18

I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

Its not a "white lie" it's a straight-up, bare-faced, outright lie.

'White lie' seems to be commonly used on MN by people who don't like to be honest with themselves.

Pondere · 19/12/2022 16:18

I hear this “advice” all the time - tell the doctor you’ve been trying longer than you actually have.

But it takes away the slot for someone who genuinely has been trying longer and might need that help. It’s really selfish.

Pondere · 19/12/2022 16:18

SofiaSoFar · 19/12/2022 16:18

I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

Its not a "white lie" it's a straight-up, bare-faced, outright lie.

'White lie' seems to be commonly used on MN by people who don't like to be honest with themselves.

I agree. This is way beyond the realms of what could be considered to be a white lie.

Labradooor · 19/12/2022 16:18

I’ve been you so I know how it feels, but you haven’t been ttc. It is tempting to put a spin on your circumstances to get treatment. I could have said we’d been trying longer than we had to try to fit better into the NICE guidelines so I get the temptation and why you’d prefer to think it’s just a white lie. It isn’t.
You are panicking ‘only’ because of your age and trying to get some sort of guarantee of success. Don’t do it. Try naturally. I’ve done fertility treatment, it’s gruelling and quite possibly unnecessary for you. It puts more pressure on a relationship than either of you could imagine right now.

IncompleteSenten · 19/12/2022 16:18

Did he "finally declare" or did you raise it again and he said ok? Do you think he has a moral objection re lying to jump the queue or that this is him further delaying because he really doesn't want to have a child and he's thinking that if he can just get you to wait a few more years it'll be too late for you anyway?

Bluepiano · 19/12/2022 16:19

I am 38 and my partner 36 so similar ages to you. We conceived naturally our first month of trying. If you are doing this on the NHS, I don’t think it’s morally right to lie. I do understand your worry but there is every chance you will conceive naturally. I recommend tracking your ovulation and both taking pre pregnancy vitamins.

IAdoraDuncan · 19/12/2022 16:21

Your sex life sounds pretty rubbish for him if he doesn't ejaculate inside of you.
Where's the fun in that?
Who decided to use that method of contraception?

Either use proper birth control methods, or try for a baby.

This half-in and half-out behaviour is just weird.

IAdoraDuncan · 19/12/2022 16:23

If you are doing this on the NHS, I don’t think it’s morally right to lie.

It's wrong whether it's NHS or being paid for directly.

A doctor will act in good faith and expect you to be honest.

OP you do realise you will be asked questions about your sex life, such as how often, when in the month, signs of ovulation, any late periods that might indicate early miscarriage, etc etc.

You can start with one lie and you will have to continue with more.

Passtheturkey · 19/12/2022 16:24

Orangio · 19/12/2022 14:32

If you're going private that's one thing. I wouldn't personally actually lie, but if you're comfy with that, well, you're paying so you're not hurting anyone else.
But if you are accessing NHS resources you don't necessarily need, and in doing so causing someone else to wait longer, that's completely unacceptable. That extra wait for someone else might mean the difference between them being able to have a child, and not.

This. So many times this. As someone on the waiting list the idea people are lying to get on it makes me very sad.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/12/2022 16:25

Skinnermarink · 19/12/2022 14:31

But you don’t know if you need any help. The tests have been fine. Do you think you might be taking resources away from a couple who genuinely need that appointment ?

This. How long have you actually been trying?

JustCakeInDrag · 19/12/2022 16:25

I don't think you know what a white lie is, OP.

MzHz · 19/12/2022 16:26

@Teenyween14 gently, he doesn’t want to have kids with you. You’re going to waste the very short period left of your fertility on someone who doesn’t want kids with you.

face the facts. End this asap and look for a decent man who wants kids with you.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/12/2022 16:26

I don’t think the NHS should have to pick up after the fact you’ve decided to leave trying for a baby until the 11th hour, particularly when you’re planning to lie about unsuccessfully trying. Shitty thing to do.