Fertility first appoint - o.h not willing to ‘lie’

[Teenyween14]

Uk. Partner finally declared we should start trying for a baby. I’ve been trying to get him to commit for a year but he always said he wants a house first. House seems a far way off now due to economic climate. I am 39 years old in may. Partner turned 38 in may.

I’ve had some tests done and all looks ok but I have been refereed for fertility clinic as I told the dr we had been trying. ( this is a mild white lie to the dr as I know how long it can take to get help)

However - We have not used protection for two years - he has been holding back he’s not been ejecting inside me. He has had no tests at all yet.

He said he wants to try naturally, and will not lie to the clinic and say that we’ve been trying - will this mean we will be discharged ? What happens at this first appointment? I’ve read that lots of couples over 35 seek tests even before trying. I don’t wanna blow my chances of getting help.

As someone who had genuine infertility I find your approach abhorrent. Couples can wait months and months for help and you want to walk in and get treatment even though you don't know if you need it.

He shouldn't lie ... and neither should you.

Ejecting...? Lord.

As above it very much depends on whether this is NHS or private. If private then crack on if that is what you want to spend your money on. If NHS please please reconsider. I am 30 and have been trying for well over a year with 1 MMC and no periods for the last 11 months. I have had to fight so hard to get anywhere with the NHS and have just been referred to the fertility clinic, but been warned about the wait times. It is hugely unfair to take the place of someone who may have been desperately trying for years

This is real? People do this? Why would anyone admit to this?

Good for your husband. I wouldn't lie either.

What have I just read??? Jesus fucking christ!! I despair

Fertility treatment isn't easy, it can take your relationship to the point of no return, it's not something to just casually say you need because you haven't been properly trying to get pregnant.

Off to find a stronger coffee (as per username)

I though at 39 it was 6 months of trying before seeking help.

Younger ages it's 12 months.

I wouldn't assume issues before actually trying - with pfb it took 4 and we were late 20s.

Could you not just delay any appointments offered - till then.

First step get your DH to finish inside. I used the withdrawal method for 9 years pretty much. I never got pregnant the only time he finished inside I got pregnant with DD and the second time resulted in miscarriage but still if the man has good self control it does work. I'm on the pill now for cycle control but DH still finishes outside as I don't like getting BV from sperm.

I agree with everyone else. Please PLEASE don't take away resources from couples who actually need them.
Personally, I've had three chemical pregnancies this year and we've been back ttc since September. I was referred to gynae for scans etc back in June and the wait is 18 months...don't make the situation worse by lieing. Some of us are already desperate for answers.

Besides being morally questionable, it’s just weird. Why seek help for a problem you don’t know you have? Surely you would give it 6 months or so first?!

Why do you think you need help?

Eh? Why don't you just try first? You might get pregnant immediately! It would make sense if you've actually been trying, but not if you haven't! You might be preventing someone who has actually been trying for a year or two...

Here's a radical thought... maybe try to have a few proper shags first with internal ejaculation before you sign up to fertility treatment and all it entails.

I was one of the lucky ones that "only" needed clomid to get knocked up but the non stop blood tests, 2 hysterosalpingrams that had me writhing in agony and a nurse rummaging around my cervix with a dildo cam before 9am, progestorone-induced yeast infection that couldn't be treated weren't a walk in the park either.

I am in awe of those who stoically had to go so much further into invasive treatment and all it's wonderful side effects, but why the fuck would you sign up for that if you don't have to? Are you quite mad?

I agree. This isn’t the kind of father you want for a child.

It doesn’t sound like he actually wants a child tbh.

DH is right.

IF you want sympathetic useful advice and help from fertility services, DON'T start by telling doctors a pack of lies aimed at jumping the queue, wasting their time, resources and patience .

So you haven’t been trying but lied and said you have? Your husband is right and you’re taking resources away from couples who need it. Can you imagine if everyone who started trying for a baby did this?

Absolutely not. By all means pay for private tests but why waste NHS recourses. I’ve had one round of IVF (NHS which took a long wait) after 3.5 years ttc, fertility treatment is hell why would you lie and be put on a list in front of someone who is genuinely struggling.

It's years since I went to the NHS for fertility treatment but they allowed one test at a time with a three month wait for the next appointment. After all tests were done we were told they couldn't help and we would have to go privately. Maybe things are better now. But we wasted a lot of time that ultimately meant fertility treatment didn't work for us.

Please don't take a place from someone who actually knows they have issues. And don't get into medicalising this when you don't know if there is a problem yet.

I'd spend my time pondering the reluctance of my partner before doing anything else. The criterion of needing to have bought a house has not been met, so why is he "willing" to move forward now. It should be a joint decision, not something you have had to get him to commit to. Children are very hard work and it's not an easy life if you're not fully on board. (We adopted in the end).

It's not a mild white lie, it's just a straight up lie.

Does he actually want a baby?

Does your partner want children? His actions are saying the opposite. Would be worth having that conversation.

I don't understand why you think you need help. Is there anything that would lead you to believe this other than age?
Not that I'm recommending it, but we used the withdrawal method for five years witjout incident and got pregnant on the second month of trying. So I'm not sure it's really a 'white' lie.

This has got to be a joke surely!

No one would waste their time and money, have time off work, have personal and invasive conversations/check ups etc without trying for a few weeks first.

If there is any slither that this is true - then you need to wake up and realise that your OH doesn’t want a child.

There's people out there who desperately need these services. How could you lie? I'm sorry, but I'm with your DH on this one.

I've been TTC for almost 4 years and am only just beginning to get anywhere with my fertility referral.

This makes me really sad.

Talk to your DH, agree to try properly for 6 months (if he wants to try), then go see your GP for fertility tests. You really shouldn't lie, it's taking away resources form those who genuinely do need help and you might not actually need it at all.

You are not TTC if he is "holding back".

I'm so glad he will be truthful, it will save the NHS loads of money and time to treat someone who actually does need help.

You don't need help. You need a willing partner and that isn't him.