Penguin huddle 🐧🐧🐧 TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 35 - time for some sticky BFP's

[SomeBunnyovertheRainbow]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to give and receive support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy or baby. Pregnancy and child loss is one of the most difficult things we can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

I have found so much comfort from the lovely ladies on this thread and I’m hoping for lots of BFPs in coming months!

🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧

Ah @Mumlili9 that is frustrating, I’m sorry. I’m sure the swimmers from 2 days ago will be doing their thing, isn’t it the case that actually a few days before ovulation is better anyway as gives them longer to get where they need to be? I’m sure I read that somewhere anyway. I totally can imagine how difficult and frustrating it must be though. It’s hard when it adds more strain to everything

12DPO and another glaringly negative BFN this morning. I already knew it was coming as my temps and cervix have started coming down. So that’s that then. Another cycle, another month in the age gap that shouldn’t be there anyway. TTC after loss is just so much more heart crushing isn’t it.
And now I’ve realised my period is probably going to arrive on the day of the post mortem call. So that’s just fucking wonderful.

❤️ @Katie1109 I hope you're feeling OK xx

I'm sorry @Mumlili9, I think your timing should be OK but completely understand that feeling, it's shit. I hate that dtd at the right time is there - you just can't switch it off can you :(

Sorry about the bfn @marmitecheesetoast - I saw something a while ago that said it would be much better if our bodies sent us a memo saying that we're not pregnant this month, crack on trying again but not having to test or get af. Sending you love for Monday xx

How lovely with your little quail chicks @Esssa 😍 how many eggs did you have, 19 is a lot already (although I have no idea what's normal!)

I'm struggling a lot, like you @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow I'm trying not to get too absorbed in ttc. Feeling completely deflated after my high in the week. Hasn't been helped by 3 announcements on Instagram this week which now means all my ads are pregnancy and baby related 🙄 Feeling quite low and helpless again. I'm tired of the roller-coaster, part of me can't be bothered to even try this cycle, but I know future me with be cross if we don't try. It's exhausting. Also with ivf on the horizon, I don't want to affect this by getting pregnant and then miscarrying again - I just can't see me having a healthy pregnancy without help. But with no idea when we can start 🤷‍♀️ :(

@Mumlili9 I also think before ov can be better. Is it worth talking to your DH or will that cause more stress?

Sorry @marmitecheesetoast It sounds like you’re not completely out yet but I know how rubbish it is if you are. I remember thinking of it as if it wasn’t my month then that was a my DD’s time, time to think about her, and maybe next month would he the month. Like you say, TTC after loss is a real head f**k and we just have to do what we can to stay positive.

It was June 2018 when I found out I was pregnant with DD. I can’t believe 2 years have passed ❤️

Sorry I think our posts crossed @VenusStarr I’m trying really hard to be positive but it’s hard. It’s been so long that I feel like giving up but I’m having to remind myself it just takes some couples a bit longer and I have no real reason to think it won’t happen for us. I now have it in my head that I’m the reason I’m not pregnant yet, that I’m being negative or attracting negativity.

Can you try but not actively try IYSWIM? DTD but not timing it or anything. I understand your fear of getting pregnant and MC but we can’t plan everything. I have read of so many people saying they found out they were pregnant while waiting for IVF. Maybe it takes some of the pressure off because you sort of have the IVF as a back plan. I don’t know if I’m making sense at all today x

You are making sense @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow I have thought of that, but I just can't switch off 'knowing' my body, so if I see ewcm I'll automatically think we should dtd and if we don't, I know we'll have missed this chance - if that makes sense? Even when we were using condoms and not ttc, I still hoped that we'd have a happy accident.

When we first got referred to the infertilty clinic that's when we got our first bfp and I thought we were one of those couples that just got lucky but 18 months later we're firmly in the unlucky column. And now I'm scared to get pregnant and miscarry again. But never being pregnant again petrifies me. I just feel like its a constant battle and conflict in my head x

@VenusStarr That does make sense but maybe if you think we’re going to do IVF so if anything happens it’s just a bonus. I don’t know. It’s easy to say.

I feel a bit like you in that I found out I was pregnant about 2 years ago today and we’d talked about it but I wasn’t even taking FA yet and knew nothing about my cycle. I felt so lucky. And when I got past 12 weeks, knowing friends who’d had MC, I felt so lucky still. And then you know what happened there. And then the MC. And now it feels like everyone else has their perfect little families and we’ve been trying ten months since my second pregnancy. Almost everyone I’ve met though Sands has had their rainbow baby or expecting it. I know that’s the mindset that’s not helping me though. And like you I worry that even if I do get pregnant again I could have another loss but that’s the risk we have to take if we want a baby. I see the TTC as they first step, the BFP as the second step, and then each stage of pregnancy on the road to having my rainbow baby 🌈 X

@SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow I could have written your last post myself with the exception of your little girls passing. I too am terrified to try and terrified not to. Were all just sitting in limbo and hoping for the best preparing for the worst. I have to say I'd be list with out this thread and all you lovely ladies

@Mumlili9 💗 You all have been such a support to me and sometimes it helps just to have someone to chat to about OPKs and pregnancy announcements 😬

Well bam, AF is here. At least I can try out my new period underwear (which I definitely didn’t splash out on in the hope it would tempt fate and mean i didn’t need them )

So another cycle. My cycles are just so long it feels like it takes so long to get to the next chance to try.

PM results for DS tomorrow so have been all over the place the last few days.

@SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow Two years, that must be so hard. I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry you’re struggling too @VenusStarr I can relate. I’ve started avoiding Instagram and Facebook for the same reasons. Sometimes I check and always end up seeing a baby picture and it makes me feel crap.

@marmitecheesetoast I’m sorry AG is here but I relate to what you said about period underwear as I bought a menstrual cup a couple of months ago and had a similar thought process!

I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can. It will be a tough appointment but hopefully you will feel better once you have got passed it.

Thanks @SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow just trying to keep myself distracted until tomorrow afternoon.

Ha, glad it’s not just me who thinks like that. I love my menstrual cup once I got the hang of it, haven’t felt like using it since giving birth though for some reason

Meant AF not AG

Hello ladies how are you all?

I'm according to ff 2dpo. Had mental positive hpt dreams last night and a really good scan too. Plus a rainbow over my house yesterday too. I'm hoping it's all good signs, well I'm going to take it that way.
Really hoping that I can change my luck for the rest of the year with the power of positive thinking. I've been reading up about positive thinking and how eerie it can be some times and when i think back to all my pregnancies i was thinking negatively. The only one i wasnt negative with was the first one. I think either my negative thoughts effect my outcomes or my mind picks up on the loss before i know about the pregnancy. I don't know if this makes any sense but with this last pregnancy as soon as i took the test i had a dread feeling when i saw the second line and said out loud to my DH i think this is another loss and I'm terrified it's ectopic and I'm going to lose my tube. My hubby and my doctor told me to stop worrying and it's in my head. It wasn't that's exactly what happened but how could i know that at 11dpo!! Anyway this cycle I'm going to think positive thoughts and if I'm going to receive a miracle I'm going to be positive about it and try not to think bad thoughts , you never know maybe this time it'll make the difference. Or I might be completely crazy

@Mumlili9 Funny you say that, I’ve been thinking something similar to you. I might have posted further up but can’t remember whether I posted or just thought it! I have been thinking about the law of attraction (like the book The Secret though I haven’t read it) and I feel I need to put positivity thoughts out there to attract that back. My first pregnancy everything was fine up to the very end but I never believed I was going to bring my baby home. I know that’s so weird considering I was in a “normal” low risk pregnancy but I never believed it fully even at late stages of pregnancy. I never wanted to buy anything as I felt like I was tempting fate. Then second pregnancy I almost expected the MC. I feel like I need to think positive thoughts and be optimistic as the longer we are TTC it’s so easy to think the worst but I think it’s not helpful. I also think the stress can impact on the body and fertility so want to try to be happy. I think the rainbow is a lovely sign 🌈

It probably sounds crazy and I’m sure people think all sorts when they’re pregnant so I’m not saying being anxious caused my DD death but I just think I need to try expecting things to turn out well!

@SomeBunnyovertheRainbow exactly my thoughts hun. Fx it works for us x

@Mumlili9 💗

@VenusStarr I have 25 chicks at the moment from 38 eggs which isn't bad for a first go at hatching. They are super cute and fluffy. Theres a couple needed little boots made from tape to straighten curly feet but most are thriving.
I know what you mean about the whole happy accident thing. My mmc was an accident while using a diaphragm (badly apparently) and I've hoped it would happen again as its taken 2 years to get OH to try again.

Sorry AF got you @marmitecheesetoast. I was the same with my last pregnancy and walked into the 12 week scan hoping everything was alright but expecting the worst. Sucks to be right. I've never seen a live baby on a scan. Definitely trying the positive thinking. There was a 1% chance of mmc so we had shitty luck to fall in that bracket. We should be due some luck so this next time will be fine fingers crossed. Hope your call goes as well as it could.

@SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow I'm trying not to think too far in front in any concrete sort of way. If we conceive this month we might have a baby in March but other than that I've worked out nothing but ovulation.

@Mumlili9 I have OH issues too. Hes a twice/three times a month kinda guy so 4 times in about a week is taxing. He's arguing hes 40 not a teenager but I told him thats not an excuse unless he wants it to be. I have first hand knowledge age isn't really a factor in enthusiasm.

I've unfollowed a few friends due to announcements and both my SIL as one has 2 small children (3 & 1) and the others due date was a few days ago. I'm now 1DPO according to all apps and opks seem to confirm that too but I think I missed my peak as it went from low to high and back again. The high was only a couple of points off peak though so I think it happened and I just missed it. We bd'd Saturday and Sunday morning so that should have covered it with ovulation on Sunday I think. Will proposition OH after work for a last try today as I still have ewcm. Onto the tww! Though I'm trying not to think about that either. At the moment a positive is about as scary as a negative.

Well its official I'm in the two let the crazy begin

They're so cute @Esssa! 😍

I hope today went OK @marmitecheesetoast, been thinking of you 💙 sending a big hug

Good luck @Mumlili9 🤞

I've definitely been very negative on and off the last few months. With my first pregnancy I truly felt like it would be OK when I got that positive tests, but I do remember thinking if I see blood I know it's over and I was right. My second 2 pregnancies I felt from the beginning that I wouldn't get very far. I like the idea of focusing on and attracting positivity @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow

I heard from the hospital today, my notes are bring transferred on Wednesday. I'm leaning towards stopping ttc naturally to give me a break. But part of me is anxious about doing that. I don't want to have another miscarriage and delay things further, but I don't know how long it'll be before we can get started at the clinic, so worried about missing chances? Kind of like the idea of not putting pressure on us this month. Ugh, undecided. Dh feels the same.... What would any of you do? Xx

Thank you @VenusStarr
It was inconclusive. They could find no reason whatsoever. DS was ‘a perfectly developed little boy’, a good size. Placenta was ‘perfect’ bloods all totally normal. The pathologist could find no reason whatsoever. Which is just horrendous. How can a perfectly healthy baby die for no reason so late on in pregnancy??

Feeling very low tonight. I would rather they have said it was X condition with the placenta which we can treat with X drug in any future pregnancy and close monitoring of the placenta, or whatever. Instead I just feel we’re completely in the dark and what’s to stop it happening again.

I don’t know how I’m ever meant to even begin accepting or processing he died when there is no reason for it.

Sorry for the big long miserable message. Struggling tonight. Doesn’t help with you all being more positive, sorry.

Also, my temps have barely come down yesterday and today despite AF starting so now I’m convinced my hormones are out of whack too

@marmitecheesetoast I'm so sorry that you got no answers at all. I really can not image how you must feel. Please don't apologise for anything, this thread is for exactly this reason. Is a safe place to Express all feelings good, bad, positive and negative. Sending you a virtual hand hold and a hug. It's not surprising that your hormones will be a bit wack, they are very much linked to your emotions. Stress and I imagine you have been under so much stress waiting for the PM of your beautiful little boy can really mess with your cycle. I wish there was something more I could say to help you just know were all here for you x

@Essa They are really cute! And how apt to have hatching eggs on a fertility / TTC thread!

@Mumlili9 Good luck

@VenusStarr Personally I think I would try even if loosely (eg I might not OPK and only dtd when we feel like it) but I haven’t been in your position and I think it depends on how you feel.

I think a bit of positivity can only help... but it can be easier said than done!

@marmitecheesetoast I’m sorry you didn’t get any answers. I think there are too many instances like that. My situation was slightly different in that they did find a cause - she was wrapped in her cord - but there was still nothing wrong with her, she was perfectly healthy and it was an “accident”. No reason why it should have happened or to say whether it could happen again.

The only positive was that they haven’t found anything that should mean this happening again. It shouldn’t have happened once, I know. It’s more than enough that it happened once but the truth is that losing your baby is crap whether they found a cause or they didn’t. I have met people who lost their babies due to medical negligence and that’s crap too.

I also think being upset about something that legitimately shit and upsetting has nothing to do with how positive or negative you are 💕

@VenusStarr I am the very worst person to answer your question as I was stressed out that we weren't trying while recovering from my ectopic surgery. I couldn't have "tried" because I could barely walk let alone anything else. I think you are going to have to think which is going to be more stressful for you and your DH, waiting an unknown time for ivf or missing possible chances naturally. I probably have no helped you one bit. I guess what I'm saying is personally I would keep going trying on my own . Sending you a hug

@Mumlili9 @SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow
Thank you for your kind messages, you’ve brought me to tears.
❤️