TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 34 - huddle up and bring on the BFP's

[BunnytheBlueWhale]

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This a safe place to give and receive support for everyone who has experienced the loss(es) of a pregnancy or baby. Pregnancy and child loss is one of the most difficult things we can experience and it can also be the most lonely time too. I hope you find this thread to be of some comfort.

I have found so much comfort from the lovely ladies on this thread and I’m hoping for lots of BFPs in 2020!

🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧

Feeling really flat. Got my AMH blood test results and it's 9.5 which is the low end of normal. I know it's not terrible but a reminder that it's another thing to add to the shitness of it all 😢 I'd got into a more positive place but feel like this has set me back.

I've booked in for the next biopsy but I'll be 11/12dpo and it's later than they'd like.

Plus we're supposed to fly out on holiday on Saturday and worried we might not get to go. I work for the NHS and we've been told to work from home and cancel anything non-essential.

Feeling very sorry for myself 😥 hope everyone is OK xx

@VenusStarr hi hun I wouldn't worry to much about your AMH mine was 6 but still get pregnant, keeping them is another matter. I don't know if we will try after my first AF. Just trying to get a cuddle out of DH now is a chore in its self, he doesn't come near me.
My recovery is not going how I would like. I've popped open one of my incisions so now back to square one, truly fed up and angry at the world.
It also arrears that the hospital have lost my baby. It was supposed to be tested for chromosomal disorders but they can't tell me where my baby was sent or who sent it. They are calling me back tomorrow. I'm at my whits end

Good god @Mumlili9 I can't believe what I've just read. I'm honestly at a loss what to say to that. I hope there's some positive news today when they ring. But this wouldn't be something I'd let go of.

Oh @Mumlili9 I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you get a call back today with something positive. I also hope you and DH are ok. My DH seems to distance himself when time’s are tough. It seems he cannot handle it / doesn’t know what to do / doesn’t find me fun to be around. Remember men are from Mars.

Aw guys I got a BFP this morning! Im happy but also so scared at the same time.

This was our 2nd month of trying after our mc in November at 8 weeks.

@Mumlili9 sorry I haven’t been on in awhile, been trying to stay away from my phone and google!
Oh my god, I’m actually horrified to hear that.
Did you have to go back to the hospital with the incision? Surely someone in there knows where your baby is, that’s awful!! I’d imagine there’s only so many places in there! Oh no, my heart honestly goes out to you, It sounds like you’ve been having a terrible few days💔 I hate giving advice because I know too well how sensitive these times are but I don’t think u should be feeling bad about not TTC, in my opinion there’s a lot more to TTC than having sex at the right time, it’s about getting your body and mind back healthy and strong so you can have confidence in knowing it will carry your next baby to full term. I know how difficult it is though to wait. It’s numbing and consuming and heartbreaking. I’m honestly so upset for you, you sound like a wonderful person and it’s just not fair that you have to go through this but you will have your baby, it might be very hard to see it now but if you hang in there you will have that baby in your arms some day❤️ In regards to DH, they struggle too I suppose, it’s prob very hard for him to watch you going through this, there’s not much they can do and I suppose, being men, it prob makes them feel a bit useless on top of the sadness they are obviously feeling😔try get some rest or maybe go shopping or a lunch date with the girls at the weekend, I know ur prob still very sore but just maybe try to do something distracting this weekend😊you deserve a lot of TLC now!

@MissSparkles81 huge congrats❤️ that’s fantastic🌈x

Thank you @Ripple2020 🥰

❤️ @Mumlili9 I am so sorry, I'm angry and sad for you. I really hope the hospital are able to give you more details and it's an admin oversight rather than having lost your baby. I hope you get some clear answers today, it's very distressing for you. It's absolutely appalling, I'm so sorry.
Sorry to hear your incision has opened up again. Do you need to have it looked at? It's really difficult to emotionally heal when there are physical reminders. If you need to offload, we're here to listen xx

My dh struggles when I'm upset, he feels helpless, so sometimes he'll scoop me into a hug and sometimes he's snippy with me. I have to remember he's going through his own emotions. It's really hard though.

Wonderful news @MissSparkles81 🌈 congratulations

How are you getting on @BunnytheBee @Ripple2020 @84TinsOfBeans? Hope everyone is OK xx

@MissSparkles81 fantastic news hun. Fx for a sticky bean and a healthy pregnancy x

Ladies thanks for your kind words. As to my incision they glued it and I have to apply an anti fungal cream 2 x a day. I just feel like a medical anomaly. What ever the lowest odds are for something to go wrong you can guarantee it will be me that it happens to. I'm very angry at everything right now. I've got one more week off then it's back to work and pretending all is well. I never told my boss (she hates kids), I just told her I had a mass that had to come out asap, I couldn't handle the behaviour I get from her. It is enough of an inconvenience to her thinking I had surgery and time off I don't need jibes about my babies too.

@VenusStarr I’m not too bad thanks. 3rd month TTC but I feel good about it coz for some reason I don’t feel immense pressure, I peaked yesterday and we only did the deed the night before and last night so I’ve booked a weekend away now and hoping we have it covered then🤞🏼it’s our last chance to conceive before our little boys due date but what will be will be🤞🏼How are you doing? You just recently got your af?
@Mumlili9 I can only imagine what you’re going through, I suppose I lost my son and have the pain from that but recurring loss is a different beast. I know you must feel like you’ve exhausted every method of how to keep yourself sane but you have come through it before and you will again, you are extremely strong. That sounds very painful, how many weeks ago was it now? Did the doctor give you any idea on how long roughly to heal? Take it easy if you have to go back to work in a week, I don’t know ur situation but maybe if you could cut back on hours or something, I remember dreading going back but actually it was a good distraction.

@Ripple2020 my op was 18th Feb, the nurse said I should be healed by now but my incisions don't seem to be healing well. I'm so worried about the one on my bikini line because it's right on top of my bladder, womb and one remaining tube. As for sanity ha what is sanity I lost that a couple of years ago. I must be totally insane because I keep putting myself through this. You would think 9 pregnancies and 9 losses would tell me that it's never going to end well but I keep doing it to myself.

@MissSparkles81 congratulations lovely, fingers crossed for you but that's really positive news

@VenusStarr I'm sorry you're feeling low about your results. I'm just about to get referred to fertility myself (well I say just about the GP app isn't even until 2 weeks so I realise I'll have a wait on my hands!) and naively I didn't know you could have healthy ovaries and be ovulating but your egg count still low or your eggs not ok - just seems like there's a never-ending amount to worry about for us.. sorry about your holiday - it does just seem like the icing on the cake atm this coronavirus stuff! We ditched a holiday abroad and decided on a UK hol up north instead, we're going in 2 weeks and can't wait to spend some quality time with my OH, even if I just realised I'll be hugely pre-menstrual at that time which is a bit of a bummer, but then this last month was plain sailing in that regard which was a nice surprise. The pros and cons of being so in touch with your body - knowing you might be in a right mood in 2 weeks time!!!

@Mumlili9 these might sound like empty words but please please be kind to yourself. You've been through so much, so recently, it's no wonder you're so angry and at sea. I've actually had a couple of really good weeks emotionally, but its taken me six whole months after my loss to get there. Grieving takes time, and for you it just seems like you've been hit again and again with new things to grieve for. Plus your wound, I know how frustrating it can be waiting to heal. I had a mole removed once, but it was a deep incision over my spine and because I couldn't keep the area completely still it got infected and opened up and it took me 5 whole months to heal. I went mad and started to think I'd literally never heal, but of course I did. What you need it lots of time, physically and emotionally - it's hard to swallow but sadly for us going through these traumas it can't happen quickly to bounce back to being ok with the world :'( with your oh I'm so sorry there's distance between you two. For me that just added to the tragedy of what I was feeling - the fact that my relationship suffered too and I just couldn't stop myself being a nightmare girlfriend - I was just too depressed. I don't know your situation but keep communicating and just try to accept that this is a really **ing hard nightmare of a situation for both of you - you don't deserve to have gone through all this and nothing anyone says can make it right but we're all here and going through similar sort of stuff so your'e not alone xxx i don't even have words for the hospital losing your baby, that must be just so hard to get your head around. It sounds like you're feeling like you're cursed or something atm, I know that feeling and just wanted to say that it won't always be like this for you, although that probably doesn't help at this very painful time xxxxx

I don't remember if I updated you guys but the gyno said my intramural fibroids would have no impact on fertility, and so everyone around tells me that's really positive news, which I know it is. But I still can't help wondering why the is it taking so long? I'm into month 7 now post mc and yeah it was 16 months to fall the first time. Will keep trying, trying my damn best to stay positive, trying to sort of zone out from all this for a while as I've just been consumed by thinking about babies day in day out. If I can continue to avoid pregnant friends for a while and do some nice things with my OH that's my plan atm. And waiting for that fertility referral of course which I'm terrified of but also guess I do need answers. I turn 35 in a few months so just trying to relax as much as I can reasonably do before then and then keep in my mind that I can always freeze some embryos - if I get to that this year then it would take some of the pressure off.

Bit of a ramble post and I'm sorry - I've been in a better place though this last week or 2 which is surprising and I've realised how much I've needed some calm. I hope things get a bit better for everyone else too soon xxxxx

@VenusStarr forgot to ask - what's the next step for you? excuse my ignorance but i'm not entirely sure what amh is (i googled and it said something about egg count?). Any word on your NK test yet? xx

That wasnt rambling @mogmogmog85 I found your words about grief really comforting, and they weren't even to me!
Cant believe what has happened to your baby @Mumlili9 that is so awful. I hope you get some answers or closure, that's not right.
My OH has found it really hard this week, and it's been hard for me seeing him like that as hes such a happy guy. So I guess we have to remember it's really hard for them to see us so broken! And they have their own loss to deal with. I think there is probably a lot that goes unspoken because it's too hard to put the words out there

@MOGMOGMOG85 thank you for you kind words. It's good about your fibroids. You never know your holiday pms might not happen. Lots of people fall pregnant while waiting for treatments.

The hospital didn't call back so I will have to chase this up Monday morning now, it's really making me very sad tbh.

@Ripple2020 🤞 you do sound relaxed about things and fingers crossed that you're in with a shot :) I've just ovulated - I still feel very crampy but I'm 3dpo now but wondering if it's linked to the biopsy.

@Mumlili9 I'm so sorry the hospital didn't call you back, that's awful. It's an additional stress to an already terrible situation. I'm sorry your boss is horrible so understand why you haven't told her what's happening ❤️ I hope you do feel healed when you need to return to work.

Sorry your oh is finding things tough @Whiffle77 my dh has struggled with seeing me so upset. How are you getting on?

@MOGMOGMOG85 thanks for asking, I'm still waiting for the first set of biopsy results, hoping not too long now. I've booked in for the second for a week on Monday but I'll be 12dpo, which is slightly later than they like. Plus I can't go if I'm spotting, so playing it by ear.
We are still going away - no news from our airline that we can't. I've been awake since 5, feeling a bit anxious. I'm not worried about the virus but everything just feels a bit surreal. I'm more scared about being stranded abroad and missing my cats.
I think my egg count is OK, not brilliant, but we have got pregnant 3 times, but I do wonder about egg quality. We're on the ivf pathway, but aren't moving forward with that until we've had the test results.
Glad you're feeling positive about the fibroids. When I had the scan before the biopsy she showed me one of mine, it's quite big but at the top, outside my uterus, so far enough away not to be an issue.
I'm flipping between feeling OK and hopeful and going back to a dark place. I'm hoping this break away will help reset me. We had a week away last summer and it really did help my mindset. Plus its a year tomorrow that I had my first scan and got bad news, so to be somewhere far away is going to be lovely. Although we are not where we thought we might be a year later, I'm definitely not as stuck as I was.

Sending lots of love ❤️ xxx

I'm not too bad thank you @VenusStarr - had a good nights sleep which has helped immeasurably. We are also going away this week and really looking forward to it now, think we can both do with the break. Hope that you enjoy yours and it provides a reset! Even though you are flipping from ok to not ok - that's still a vast improvement from not having any ok days at all! Just got to keep riding it through.

@VenusStarr thank hun. I'm healing slowly. I called hospital this morning but they are fobbing me off so I'm giving them until Wednesday to update me or I go to pals. How are you getting on?

Hi everyone, can I join in? I feel like I may find some solace with you. I hope to be able to comfort and support you all through this journey too.

I lost my pregnancy and baby boy a month ago. I was 24 weeks pregnant and had to have a c-section. I'm quite distraught and need a virtual Mumsnet home. I've posted in pregnancy loss but I'm not getting anywhere.

I desperately want to ttc again. But my postpartum bleeding hasn't stopped yet and I am freaking out. Just on so many levels.

I am an advanced age (36) and this was my 3rd pregnancy. I have two children--they are the joy of my life. I just want a third child desperately.

This corona situation isn't helping and I just feel isolated. I also feel like I cannot discuss this with anyone. I have a counsellor but she is hard of hearing and makes me repeat everything I say several times. The interventions I have set up for myself to come through this are failing and my desire to conceive is beyond any desire I have ever felt in my life.

@clitterratti hello welcome and so sorry for your loss. I hope you feel this is a safe place to heal, rant, vent, ask advice or offer advice, gain support and support others. There's no set rules here but we all agree to respect each others differences and kindness is always the key to this amazing bunch of super women. We all have different stories and losses and no loss is a small thing. Some of us have been here for ever and have had multiple losses and some come and stay for just a couple of months and move on to the sister thread when they get their BFP's. Please feel free to share as much or as little as you like (even the Tmi stuff). You will see pictures of tests which can be triggering for some ladies but this is what the group it for the really good and the really bad and all the lonely quiet times in between. Loss of a child / pregnancy is an experience like no other, it's lonely, heartbreaking and just so unfair but together we can get through it and with all the luck in the world, we will go on to have our rainbow babies be that naturally, ivf, iui, adoption, surrogacy (and many others I can't remember).
Give yourself time hun, I understand that need in waiting for my surgery wounds to heal and get first AF also and that waiting time can be awful. Please remember that your body and mind have to be really ready to handle another pregnancy. I can't imagine how you feel right now I've never gotten that far with any of my pregnancies. Does your little boy have a name?

Yes, my little boy does have a name. He was name is Ezra Linden. Linden is his middle name. I was so happy to be pregnant with him. I felt so complete with him in my future. Our cultural traditions stipulate a burial of the baby is over a certain gestation, so we had to go through that ordeal and it was a whole other traumatic experience. I never want to go through this again.

I am so sorry to hear about your losses @Mumlili9. I believe in your rainbow filled future. The pain is unreal; but there will be joy.

@clitterratti hello sorry that you find yourself here but it is a lovely warm thread.
I understand you as we buried our daughter who we lost at 20 weeks. I will never be the same again. The counsellor says that's ok.

Ezra is a beautiful name.

@84TinsOfBeans

I need the warmth. It's a shitstorm out there. I can't even grieve peacefully. What a mess all this is.

I'm sorry for your loss. What was her name? How long has it been?

Her name was Lilwen (it's Welsh) and we lost her at the end of October. Our due date was last week and it's been tough to say the least but I've been glad on mumsnet for all the support.

Were you taken good care of through your ordeal?