TTC after recurrent miscarriage thread 2 - we're not giving up

[UnicornsandRainbows1]

Shiny new thread! :)

Thank you keepon, that’s really helpful. Just did it and it stang but only for a second.

Going to be in limbo till we’ve had both bloods done. I’ll try not to bang on about it. Thank you more than I can say for kind reassuring words today. Love you lot.

Thinking of you tonight miami, as always, but really hope it’s a positive appointment. Please let us know.

@AnneLovesGilbert from a scientific point of view it doesn’t much matter what time you take the heparin/aspirin at as they have a long duration of action, just choose a time that suits you and try to stick to that time every day. I really hope it’s a good outcome for you. My half sister has a clotting disorder (only recently picked up) so I definitely need the screen done.

I’ve had a negative IC test today. Never been so glad to see a negative test! But bleeding is picking up again with some clots so hoping there’s nothing retained still. Have my private appointment tomorrow re cervix and adhesions. Will update you after.

I’m super stressed with work too, need to move on to a new position but worried re mat leaves and being pushed out if I ever do manage to get pregnant. DH and I are going to get away for a few days next weekend and try and just relax.

When I say get pregnant I of course mean stay pregnant!

I didn't test positive for it Paranormal but the RMC's protocol is to treat everyone with clexane from BFP. Have you had any thyroid tests?

I'm so pleased about your BFN, it is a weird feeling to want one, but such a relief. Hope your appointment goes well today.

Really good you have a nice break planned, you've both been through so much, a couple of days of peace and quiet together will be lovely.

Miami, I hope last night was useful.

Yes, thyroid fine 6 months ago (checked with pre op bloods) but I’ll do them again in a few weeks when I’m checking my full blood count anyway.

Well there’s good and bad news from me. Bad is that I’ve been strongly advised to have some procedures prior to trying again. But good is that there should be a slot by May which isn’t too far away.

Posted too soon!

Due a colposcopy next month so they are clear I need that first (my smears are very difficult due to my cervical scarring). Then they’ll do a hysteroscopy and remove some adhesions if possible, place a high stitch on cervix to stabilise it for future and probably remove some of the scarred cervix as it’s higher risk for cancers down the line.

That must be a lot to digest. How are you feeling?

The other angle on having to wait to try again is that while it sucks and I imagine you're feeling frustrated and just want to get on with it, it is a period of enforced rest, hopefully a bit less stress, you can focus on other things going on like work, health, get back to shagging for shagging's sake, have a bit of a break. And May isn't that far off.

When you get back into ttc you can think of your insides as shiny and improved - like keepons renovated uterus which got her knocked up a couple of weeks after The stitch sounds like it'll help - dos that counteract the 2nd trimester worries you had?

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m ok actually. There’s actually the opportunity of a great job coming up in September so with procedure in May, some time to heal could start trying immediately with new job. If all goes to plan of course (haven’t actually interviewed for the job yet). Will spend my time working on fitness and losing the weight I’ve gained to be as fit as possible pre procedure. Hopefully I’ll be pregnant and stay pregnant then. Will need c-sections in future but that was a given after last time anyway. Essentially with my cervix so damaged it’s a 50:50 chance of a good outcome if I get past 12 weeks, stitch improves chances dramatically so fingers crossed. Hopefully removal of adhesions will help with implantation.

How are you feeling? Have you had bloods done?

Okay, good, glad you've got good people supporting and advising.

Exciting about the job opportunity! Sounds like things could all come together for you, even if this isn't where you thought you'd be. Are you still on the ABs? You'll feel so much better when this crappy, exhausting, sad phase is over. It's weird how long or short a time it can take to feel unpregnant again, I guess depending on how the mc goes.

You've got a lot going on, take it easy

Nope. No hospitals open on Sunday so couldn't go today and when I tried yesterday there was a two hour wait!

I'm going tomorrow morning then Monday before work. Should have results Monday eve. Wishing the time away tbh.

I know it sounds stupid and when you're pregnant you're obviously pregnant so I should just be relieved and grateful, which probably would have been the case if it wasn't for my last mc where I had this mad day, no one could believe how quickly it had happened again, there was so much panic but optimism and all these insanely strong feelings as it was so soon after my mmc and I was still heartbroken about that, everything was all over the place, and then on the Friday evening I had a call to say actually I hadn't ever been that pregnant as my levels were so poor so it was a waiting game to lose it. I cried for about 10 days. With the shock of being pregnant, then the crashing disappointment of losing my third pregnancy on the trot.

I was asking DH why this one has more of a chance of working than the others and he said from our own experience it doesn't, but statistically we agreed it has to?

So just hoping the next couple of days away - we don't get the results from the one tomorrow till Monday I don't think - and if all seems well we'll be a bit excited. Got to speak to the GP Monday as well and get the referral for the clinic on Weds.

How I envy those lucky bitches who pee on a stick and start picking out names and prams

Statistically your chances are still very good although I know that doesn't help when you've defied statistics in a bad way already! I don't think I'll feel safe until there's a baby in my arms tbh.

I let myself get more hopeful last time as was super nauseous and my hcg was really high, but actually don't think negativity would have made the blow any easier in the end- probably better to be as optimistic as you can.

When we had our first appointment at the clinic he said if all the tests were clear each subsequent pregnant would have an 85% chance of success. 15% chromosomal issues which he later said explained the one last february with the low HCG but I guess that depends on how much you believe the early mc in August and mmc in November can have been “bad luck” and I wasn’t convinced. With no findable reason though I suppose we have to take his word for it.

All I want to do is keep peeing on sticks, which I’ve always hated, and I know won’t tell me anything or help. I’m not knicker checking as my mcs have always had the opposite problem and taken a while to get going and complete.

I know what you mean. Part of me thinks fuck it, I’m lucky to be in this position at all, be happy, be grateful and enjoy it. But I’m never going to let go of the doubt about what your body’s telling you. I felt so hugely pregnant and hormonal before my mmc, more so each week and the last 3 were after it had died. How can you ever trust how you feel after that?

And I don’t feel hormonal at all. Having always “known” before a bfp I didn’t have an inkling and my boobs hurt less than they do when I get af. My sense of smell is stronger but that’s normal when I’m due on. I’ve got loads of energy and I feel pretty good.

Counting down the hours till Monday eve when I’m hoping I’ll have something more concrete to go on. But then that’s no guarantee of anything anyway is it.

Hope everyone’s okay tonight and really sorry if I’m being a massive moany pain.

So incredibly happy to see your news Anne - I have absolutely everything crossed for you and bean and I'm so hoping that this one is the one for you. You deserve it so much. I hope the time until Monday goes quickly for you - I know every hour feels like a day when you're waiting for news.

Anne
Please let it all out here, we are a safe space and you have held so many hands when we were where you are it's the absolute least we can do.
I have every joint and limb crossed for you tomorrow.
I got hcg results from my first test, the bloods were sent to the hospital who gave the results to our epu. They rang me with them in the afternoon. I remember it like it was yesterday. The lady actually said - these are really strong numbers, nothing to worry about your numbers will definitely double. They actually almost tripled. I love remembering all that.
Sorry I was quiet last night, I had a lot to get my head round. The doc was nice, seems determined to find out what's going on. Def need to stay nhs as he was fairly adamant that we need around 3-4 different investigations and the wait shouldn't be that long.
First up MRI - to check shape of outside of uterus. Hopefully within 6 wks or so.
Second - diagnostic hysteroscopy to look at the shape from the inside. Again this is hopefully within about 6-8 wks.
If it is confirmed at this stage that it is a septate uterus that can be resected they will give me tablets to turn off my cycle for 4 weeks, then in for the operation hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. 6 wks post op with IUD to prevent scarring and 6 wks after that of progesterone to help womb lining.
Which is a LONG LONG LONG time that I won't be pregnant. And I'm not gonna lie, I really struggled when he told me all that. The wait for the op isn't that bad it's the 12 week waiting after that seems like a bit of a balls. Have pm'ed keeponrunning just to check in with her about her timescales etc as this does seem quite long compare to hers.

Fantastic news Anne, that's so exciting. I totally relate to how you are feeling and the fear. Fingers crossed this time it all works out perfectly. One reason for optimism is that you are taking additional meds which might help (even if unconfirmed needed). Also I think cautious optimism is needed, but that tends to be my default reaction until I know more. My body never showed symptoms of things going wrong either and I agree that makes it hard to trust yourself afterwards. I hope bloods today and Monday are a reassuring start. Will the rmc or NHS give you early scans too?

Miami that sounds a long process if it's confirmed that's the reason. Are you hoping it is that because there is a practical solution, or not that so the wait might be shorter? Maybe he has given you the worse case timescales as preparation, but until they know the scale of any septate or other womb shape irregularities I guess it is difficult to be definitive about the treatment and timescales - so it might not be as long as feared. As you say, I'm sure Keepon was much shorter wait, only 1 period afterwards,because we talked about whether like a scratch the op might actually aid implantation. Glad you have someone on your side anyway and there is a plan in place.

Vent away Anne, totally get where you are coming from. It's so hard when you don't know what is going on in there. People keep trying to tell me that the nausea and no bleeding are good signs which I suppose they are but like you my symptoms with the mmc were awful all the way to the scan. Really hoping this is it for you!
I've also had three migraines in the last two days, which is fun! Got booking in on tues which I'm not looking forward to, rehashing everything and then sh s going to ask me about things in the future and I'm not thinking about the future at all... but don't want to seem completely crazy.

@Miami81 I’ve been told I’ll need a cooling wait of one period following adhesion removal, and if I need removal of cervical tissue 3 cycles. So probably a similar wait assuming surgery goes ahead in May as planned. I’m most worried about the very large and growing age gap that there will be between my DD and any future babies. Assuming I can’t even try again for 6 months then there will be a minimum of 5.5 years between them, so she’ll never have the opportunity to play with a sibling really. And I blame myself for wanting a 3 year gap and just assuming it would work out that way.

@Anne with my only successful pregnancy I had no symptoms at all early on. Not even breast pain. With my MMC I had sore breasts, severe nausea and fatigue from the very beginning. And the 2 6ish week losses had tender breasts. So I for one think symptoms are very unreliable. I think after miscarriages though we will be anxious in every situation.

Thinking about you today Anne. I hope you get some good news about blood tests.

That's a lovely memory Miami She was a fighter your baby girl.

It's an awful lot to get your head around with all the info from your appointment. I agree, it sounds like a hell of a long time. Hope keepon can give you something to compare notes on. Does it feel like progress to have a plan or just another mountain to climb at the moment that shouldn't have been there in the first place?

Thank you so much Lisa, Mog and Haff for dropping in. Waiting on a call from my GP to sort re-referal to RMC, then one from RMC with bloods and a time for appointment on Weds. Had second one this morning and feeling sick with worry but so much to do at work so going to keep busy. I keep telling myself the chances of another one with crappy levels are very low but you know what it's like, as para said, when you've consistently fallen on the wrong side of stats you learn to be cautious.

So by the end of the day should be in a much firmer place. All being well, appointment at RMC on weds, then first scan next Weds I think. The RMC offers fortnightly scans from 6-12 weeks when they hand you over to normal care. I've never had a good scan so it would be amazing.

In a way I wish we'd had an HCG number on Saturday so we'd have had something to go on, but everything was shut so we'll get both today.

I'm keeping a close eye on DH, who's said in turn the he's ecstatic, terrified, calm, happy, and now apparently buying a 7 seater and planning how to tell his twins. No bloody pressure.....

For no reason at all, DSD found a small bag in a shop yesterday and said if we have a baby she'd like to get one so she can carry its milk and nappies around in it. Lovely sentiment but it makes me want to scream and run away and hide in a warm cosy hole till I'm about to drop, always assuming.

Paranormal, how are you feeling? Is the infection nearly gone? I really hope you're feeling better

Thank you Mog, you're such a love. Pretty sure it was you and the no aspirin tip that did it

How are you doing?

Haha don't think I can take any credit and probably just coincidence, but whatever it was, I'm glad it's happened.

Thank you for asking. I am good thanks. Have a proper bump, but not too heavy and uncomfortable yet, so a good stage. Liking feeling kicks, although anterior placenta so still don't feel it strongly, even though I'm 27 weeks.

So hoping for good news for you later today, Anne - I know the wait feels tortuous. I had to cry a bit on the phone to get my HCG results, as the receptionist wanted me to make an appointment to get them from the GP which would have meant waiting an extra four days, and I really felt my head would explode if I had to wait any longer...

Absolutely everything crossed for you and bean.

God Lisa, that must have been infuriating! You just want to know the numbers! What did they want to discuss? Did she cough up on the phone in the end? And do you remember what they were?

I've only had HCG tested once, my first reading was 50 or 60 and the next was slightly less, it then didn't move for a week. Hoping for a different experience this time around. Like a mentalist, I was googling healthy levels last night. The range is massive!

Mog, that's such a lovely thought, you and bump. Hope you're feeling well. This is meant to be the best bit I thing. Are you glowing?

Good luck anne
Numbers don't matter, just progress. We are all holding your hand.