Strapping on our lady balls and going menkul because we HATE THIS SHIT!! The Berries: a lovely bunch of 30 something Ladybros TTC #1

[happylass]

The small print:

The Berries have strict entrance criteria: TTC #1 for 12 months+, over 30, NO instadiffers, must have a special pimping pot and absolutely no mention of baby dust/dancing. Not that we're fussy!

Current Ladybros:

Minx 35 - TTC 2.5 years. Stage 4 endometriosis, both tubes blocked, 1 buried ovary, IVF #1 started Aug '15 at Mustache Towers, if all goes well results due mid-Sept.

Smidge 39, TTC since Jan '13. Unexplained. Some high NK cell immune treatment. IVF#1 Short protocol Jul'14 BFN; IVF#2 Nov'14 and IVF#3 Feb'15 both Long protocol BFNs; Natural FET Jun'15 - Another BFN. Trying to work out what to do next.

Happylass, 37, TTC since Aug 2012. 2 failed ICSI cycles, 1 failed FET and 1 abandoned cycle due to poor response. Hoping to start antagonist cycle mid September. HATE THIS SHIT!!

Beaky 35, ttc 3 yrs, 2x failed iui 1 long protocol ivf cancelled, 1 short protocol IVF BFN, very low amh etc etc. In 2ww for 2nd sp IVF.

Tigerdog, 35, ttc since Jan 2013. Unexplained. IVF #1 chemical pregnancy. Currently redoing tests in preparation for IVF #2.

barkingtreefrog 36, ttc since Dec 2011. clomid bfp summer 2013 then mc @7 weeks, iui bfp summer 2014 then mc @6 weeks. Factor V leiden thrombophilia diagnosed at the repeat mc clinic. IUI bfn Jan 2015, IVF bfn April/May 2015. FET bfn August 2015, remaining frozen embryo perished. Pursuing private tests and then long protocol ivf in Oct/Nov.

Lumen, 35, ttc since Nov 2011, unexplained, two IVF cycles in 2014, both bfns, waiting for lap&dye and results of numerous bloods, aiming for one last IVF cycle.

Kuma - 40. TTC 2.9 years. Low AMH high FSH - DH antisperm ABs. Failed IVF June 14 and March 15, cancelled cycle June 15. Last try September 15

Lucieloos, 36, TTC 18 months, low AMH & sperm motility. ICSI#1, April 2015, Czech, 2xblasts transferred, BFN. Icsi#2, cancelled before EC. Icsi#3, 2 mature and fertilised, both to blast and frozen. Icsi#4 in October, embryo banking.

Rain, 34, ttc since March 2012. unexplained. Mystery bfp oct 13, MMC Nov 13. IVF#1 Aug 2015

Sesame, 40, ttc with no dp, on this road for 2 years, multiple failed IVFs, 3 ETs, 1 bfp then mc, poor responder with v low AMH, but still looking for the golden egg.

nolly, 33, TTC 3 years, 1 confirmed MC, 2 more suspected. still in limbo

Spare, 34, TTC 3 years, IVF#1 short protocol + ICSI August 14 BFP but pregnancy loss at 20+ weeks, 3 failed FET, IVF #2 short protocol + PICSI August 15

Funkymonk 33. Ttc since October 2012. Mc June 2013, Mmc dec 2013, mc June 2014. Factor v Leiden thrombophilia. Abandoned IVF Jan 2015 due to thin lining. Abandoned FET Aug 2015 due to thin lining. 4 embies on ice. Cycling again November time I think.

Clem, currently on 3rd Clomid Cycle

Pip - quite simply the Best In Show.

Five is a great result! I know it is not what you wanted or expected Smidge but it is better then nothing isn't it. That is still five chances. I know nothing anyone will say or do will make you feel better so stamp and cry until you feel better.

Smidge as Grin says 5 is great. We've only ever had 5 or 6 fertilise. I think they expect 50-60% of mature eggs to be fertilised so you're well in there. But again totally understand the disappointment - it's only natural to worry at every stage of this hideous process. How are you feeling physically today? On my first 2 cycles I was in a lot of pain for the 2 days after EC - I literally shuffled around like an old woman. Weirdly on my last cycle I had no pain at all. My theory is that it was a woman who did my NHS EC and she must have been gentler than the bloke who did my private ECs! Take it easy lady

smidge sorry that it's not the result you want. 5 out of 8 is still bang on average fertilisation for ivf. And it only takes one! Fingers crossed for some good growth news. Come on embies!

beaky good luck for your scratch! I had one on Friday and I'm convinced I'm not scratched enough again! And good luck for your counselling session too!

Hey smidge as others have said, 5 is good, although I remember my own dissappointment at a similar rate in my last cycle - but everything doesn't have to be perfect for it to work. Big hug and hope you're feeling better. . Will be pompomming away for your little embies!

I also dropped off the thread happy which is very unlike me. Sounds like a few decisions ahead. Hope you enjoy your bonus day off! I could barely motivate myself to get out of bed this morning.

barking there's no denying that a further delay is the pits, I'm sorry it's all so tough at the moment.

Good luck for the 2ww grin.

Glad things are moving forward for you ant you never know, FUFCs do happen!

Hardly done any Xmas shopping clem! I found the Black Friday madness a bit much this weekend!

Good luck for the scratch today beaky. Also hope your counseling session goes well. Wedding planning ticking along nicely - have chosen the dress! Went for one of the short 50s styles but in all over lace. I love it. I think that means that all the big decisions are out of the way, so just finer details to sort!

To be honest I'm feeling really low about ttc. I think it's in part because I didn't go home to Mr T this weekend and instead saw friends. There was a lot of baby talk, more announcements and a lot of general chat. Had dinner with my sister in law last night and she told me that they are ttc, which is great, and the dream would be to have cousins at the same age, but I'm also expecting it to end in another announcement that kicks me in the guts whilst I'm no further forward. My brother's baby is due Tuesday, and of course I'm excited, but....it could have been us if our ivf cycle had worked.

I'm at my desk feeling tearful, haven't had that in a while. I feel stuck and I'm questioning all my decisions - job, wedding, ivf etc. Everything feels over complicated. It's probably lack of sleep as much as anything that is making me feel this way, after a bad af with sleepless nights and then a late night out and busy weekend. Sigh.

Just getting through this week feels impossible right now....

Oh and sesame good work on getting started again. I really hope this cycle is the one for you. Are you doing anything differently this time?

Oh tiger I'm sorry you are feeling rubbish at the moment. I totally get where you're coming from.

I had some more tears again today but am trying to heed the berry advice and accept that 5 is ok. It's not as if we can do anything about it anyway, is it, so there's no point in assuming the worst.

beaky I've been so self absorbed I forgot it was your scratch. Yuck. Good luck! Not being scratched enough is not something I can ever imagine saying afterwards

Bonjour berries. Smidge I totally understand what you're saying, it's so difficult, I think as well because you've had more eggs fertilise previously. For my cycle that where we got 5 it was the most ever for me and so I was over the moon, but this is a very personal subjective process so don't beat yourself up about how you feel. I am celebrating your 5 with extra tassels and glitter though, and willing all of them on to blast. Will you be waiting for a day 5 trf? Absolutely everything crossed for you.

Tiger massive hug coming your way, it is just the worst shit. I cannot even imagine how hard the impending birth of your bros baby must be given the year you have had and what you've been through. I wish so much that your fc would pull you forward to Jan to get started. I absolutely love the sounds of a 50s style lace number, did you go for those shows you showed us too? They were gorgeous. Just a thought too but would you maybe go back for some more counselling? You found it quite helpful previously didn't you? Big hug

barking how was your first day back to the office? Thinking of you

happy sorry you're in limbo again. Fx for a 2nd cycle and quick.

Sesame yes, I'm now worrying I've not been scratched enough!! It was pretty painful like but still! How are you feeling?

Grin still pompoming away like a mad berry for you! When is otd?

Ant how are you feeling about everything now?

Clem how are you doing?

I am now scratched and counselled. Both unpleasant! Haha. Counselling was actually fine, I hate crying and try to avoid it eejit I know the scratch knacked but it's done at least. Got my schedule for next cycle and they've started me just before new year, so I'll be stimming on NYE. What does everyone think about drinking while stimming? I.e. A couple of glasses of champagne? I've never drank alcohol during that time before but we are hosting a party so think it may be tricky. I'd rather not have anything. Anyway I feel. Bit more positive but I always do when the ball gets rolling again. Sesame have you always had a full pill pack before your ivf cycles? I want to have af and start it then and just finish a bit early but wasn't sure if that would be OK?

Hope everyone else is ok, we still seem to be a bit quiet in here.

beaky I thought I wasn’t scratched enough because although the bit where they put everything in place was pretty uncomfortable, I didn’t feel the actual procedure at all, when previous times the doc had me in tears. And all the other times I had a little spotting later the same night. I use norethisterone to programme my cycle, so not quite the same as taking the pill. I take after ovulation (day 21ish), for a minimum of 5 days, but it can go on for longer depending on what fits with the fc. I think you’ll need to ask your fc if you need to alter your start date. I can’t see the harm in a couple of glasses of champagne on NYE while stimming, as long as it’s real champagne from the actual champagne region... I think you just need to watch you don’t get dehydrated. Well done on getting the scratch and counselling over with. Has it given you much food for thought then? Do you plan to go back for another session?

smidge tears are ok, it’s so hard to see the numbers start to drop off after ec. But fingers crossed there are some good embies at the end of this slog. When will you hear more news?

tiger it’s the same antagonist protocol I tried last time, I’m still regretting not doing something more along the lines of mini ivf, but my fc use low stims anyway and it would take a lot of convincing to get them to bend their protocol that far. And although I only got one egg, it did turn into a good embie. Anyway, I’m trying to convince myself I’m happy with my decision… I’m really sorry things are so shit. Have some and . I know how it feels. My due date’s coming up, and despite all my efforts, I still feel I’m no closer to getting pg again. And meanwhile my SIL is due in just 2 months, right before her 42nd birthday. Anyway, I’m really hoping things will start to look a little brighter for you as the week goes on. And I’m so glad you got the dress, it sounds really lovely. Do you think you’ll go with those gorgeous shoes you showed us?

happy that must be so annoying that the nhs are keeping you in the dark about what your entitlement is. But I do hope the big reveal on the 22nd lives up to expectations, and here’s also hoping af rocks up on schedule this time so you can make some positive plans. Did you enjoy your day off?

barking how did you get on today? Did you go back to work or decide to take a bit more time off?

happy hope you had a lovely day in bath

sesame totally get where you're coming from. Onve you've stepped on the roundabout and pushed off, you can't get off until it stops. That's how I feel anyway. My friend who's in the middle of the adoption process told me today that she cites me as the reason they didn't go down the ivf route when people ask, having seen what we've been through over the last few years, and losing three babies. She feels lucky she didn't have to go through that journey before turning to adoption. Basically, she watched me on the roundabout and decided it didn't look like much fun so went on the slide instead!
Absolutely everything crossed this is your sticky win

smidge 5 sounds great to me - and IOTO!!

tiger I'm not surprised you're struggling with an imminent baby on one side and the fear of a bump announcement sometime soon on the other, I'd be in pieces. But lack of sleep clouds all judgement, so leave those worries in a box to be opened later when you've slept xx. The wedding dress sounds absolutely gorgeous .

beaky was the counselling just 'fine' or did it help?
I don't think a small amount of real champagne from the champagne region would hurt during stims. I can drink now, but I just don't trust myself. Part of me thinks it's just less than three months until the last cycle, so I should be off it again now anyway, the other part of me thinks fuck it, you've just had your third mc, have a sodding glass of wine. But I'm scared it will release emotion I don't want to deal with. So I bought myself a bottle of coke instead. Sugar and caffeine = bad ivf prep so feel naughty and like I'm giving myself a treat (never normally have coke in the house), but no risk of making me cry!!

I went back to work today. It was okay. HR asked me if I wanted a back to work interview. I said no! Fortunately HR is my friend, who I knew before she started working at the same company, so she said fine!

Can I join?

36, TTC #1 since September last year, one MMC and a fibroid the size of Mars. Also a fan of real champagne from the champagne region, if that helps

barking thanks, I think that roundabout is making me dizzy and sick and I suspect it might forcefully eject me at one point… But for today I’m still clinging on. Glad your return to work went ok. Will you be doing anything to prepare yourself for going back to IVF in 3 months' time? Or just trying to focus on coming back from the massive shock?

manatee, hiya! Sorry you have to find yourself here, but welcome. Are you undergoing any treatments or investigations at the moment?

Hi Huge! Welcome. Sorry to hear about your mmc and also your massive fibroid. Do you have to have that removed?

Sesame ikwym as I've not had any spotting and although the scratch hurt, it was manageable with just paracetamol. too scared to use gas and air when do you start stabbing? I've booked in for another session in couple of weeks, I really liked the counsellor which is a massive bonus too. One session wouldn't be enough I don't think although I do feel a bit better for talking about this out loud. And being told it's acceptable to feel how I do helps too. Barking that probably answers your question too!

Barking Coke sounds like a good treat! I never drink pop either but occasionally love a random cream soda/can of shandy such a north easterner Glad you were able to avoid a back to work iv- that is probably the last thing you need right now. How are you otherwise?

Tiger how are you feeling now lovely? Hope you are ok. and for the meantime.

Smidge any news?

Grin how are you feeling?

Welcome manatee, come on in. I read that as a fibroid the size of a mars-bar, which isn't surprising as I have chocolate on the brain! Lots of support and knowledge on the thread, sorry you're going through this but hope you can find some solidarity in Berry hq!

barking glad you've made it back to work and it isn't too bad. A glass of wine and a good cry might be no bad thing though my lovely. but whatever, don't beat yourself up about the little things - have coke if you want it!!

beaky did you find the counselling useful? Big hugs to you, sometimes it's good to let it all out. I don't think a couple of glasses of champagne would hurt - drink loads of water with it and pace yourself! You know the rules though, as long as it is real champagne it's ok!

How are things progressing smidge? Hope you're feeling more positive.

sesame I think it sounds sensible to continue with your fc for this one. At least you can get going and you know what the deal is. Everything crossed for you. Yes, I think I'm going to get those shoes! Due dates are tough milestones

I'm feeling much better after some sleep. My bro's baby arrived this morning and I've been on a high all day - got to FaceTime them 15 mins after the baby was born!! The sad for me feelings are there too though. I love being an Aunty but if my ivf bfp had turned into a baby, I'd would have been due in 6 weeks too. Ah well.

Aw Tiger so sorry my love. Big hug too. You will get there. So pleased you got those gorgeous shoes though!

sesame just the usual. Back on the vitamins, healthy diet, no alcohol. 3 months of preparing my body again.

beaky That's how I described the helpfulness of counselling to DH - someone telling me that how I was feeling was totally okay, and not feeling like I had to hide those feelings or justify them.

tiger bittersweet. You're a better person than me, think the green eyed bitter monster might have taken over. Well done. Your time will come

I'm feeling weird. Like I've gone back to work and everything is the same. But it's not. It's like nothing happened. But something did happen and I want to scream at everyone who is just carrying on with life as always. Which includes me right now. Can't explain it.

Hi Manatee Welcome to you and your fibroid!

Tiger How are you feeling tonight? I hope that a good nights sleep will perk you up a big. Glad to hear that your DB's baby arrived safe and well.

Barking Glad to hear that you are back at work. Sometimes some mundane normality is what you need.

Beaky How was the counselling. It is something I have never looked into.

Smidge How are you feeling today?

Clem & Ant How are you both?

Sesame I understand about the roundabout thing. Although sometimes I think they come with flaming hoops to jump through.

Hi anyone else that I missed.

Well, half the 2ww is done. I had two days of cramping after the transfer and a tiny bit of spotting (but I get that after a pap smear anyway so wasn't concerned). My boobs were HUGE and so sore. But now I am completely asymptomatic. Boobs are normal and no cramps. I was on the progesterone pessaries for week one and for something different I have switched to the crinone. Might as well use it up as it is just sitting there. Im not going to test early (well I might the day before my blood test so I can prepare myself for the result). So is this normal then? Should I be feeling any different?

Hello manatee pull up a pew.

Oh Tiger how lovely that the baby is here. I think often it's the anticipation that can be more scary than the reality. Now you've already seen the bub and can concentrate on being a super aunt, (and having all the best bits). Comparisons with where yours would have been though will be tough

Thanks for all the positive vibes for me and my embies. I'm much happier today, because the embryologist has already phoned to say all 5 are progressing well . 4 are 8 cell and 1 is 9 cells. Quality looks good so far (though I think at day 3 there's not much to differentiate between good and bad). So I think we're actually in the same position as previously on day 3, despite the lower fertilisation rate. Just got to keep willing them on for day 5 (and beyond!). Such a rollercoaster.

I'm back on the crinone 'just in case' but we are aiming to freeze any/all and put them back in a separate month when they can concentrate on drugs for lining/implantation.

happy I felt much less sore this time after EC too, but for some reason yesterday felt far worse again! Presumably the follicles filled up with fluid again as I felt very swollen (and any trapped/moving gas in my belly caused sudden pains). Hopefully today I'll be back to normal.

I suspect the bowls of All Bran I'm eating to avoid drug induced constipation is not helping on the gas front!!

Beaky I'm glad you're feeling positive, let's hope the new year will bring you good news! I'm sure a glass or two of champagne will be fine. If not, I'll drink them on your behalf.

Tiger This ttc is a roller coaster of emotions isn't it? Hugs from me, I hope your low feeling goes away soon.

Smidge Another hug from me to you. 5 is a lot better than none but I know why you want to scream and shout at the universe for being a bitch. Fx everything works out for you.

Grin Hello! I'm doing ok, more info below!

Happy Hello and nice to see you! Hope all goes well for 2nd cycle, fx!

Manatee Hello there, welcome! Hope your stay here is relatively short

And hello to everyone else, hope the Christmas spirit has started to kick in for you all [santa]

I'm doing OK weirdly... I've become a bit numb to it all and managing to not get too emotional about it. It worries me slightly as it'll all probably spill out in one big cry/sob sitting at some point! Keeping myself busy at work, planning Christmas, puppy training (going badly, I'm sure he's going through a teenage stage trying to see how far he can push me by not listening!) and looking at new kitchen, which we can't afford yet, but it's a good distraction.

As recommended, we're TTC naturally again, although I wanted to scream in the doctor's face 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS?!'. DH squeezed my hand very tight when he said that so I kept my mouth shut .

Doctor also said if I do have IVF, they recommend removing my remaining tube to give us a slightly better chance of IVF working. Is this a common thing?

I'm worried about DH. He's been told today that two of his work colleague's partners and an actual work colleague are pregnant. He's currently sat in a meeting with them all discussing how wonderful that they're all going to have babies around the same time. I've said to him to see if he can work from home today but he can't as he has a raft of meetings. The work party next week is going to be unbearable as half of the ladies won't be drinking. They'll get into their little cliquey fertile-as-fuck healthy glowing group, purr and cluck about babies, nurseries and cute baby outfits. I think me and DH will leave early. Its hard to see someone you love really struggle and there is nothing you can do to help them. If anyone has any suggestions how I can help him, it'll be much appreciated.

Right, I best get on with some paid work. Lovely reports and spreadsheets to tackle so make coffee, put some rock on and get on with it!

Barking So gutted for you. One MC ripped me apart so I can't imagine how you must be feeling

Barking I know exactly what you mean. After my last IVF I just wanted the world to somehow acknowledge what I'd been through, and instead it just carried on as though nothing happened. I felt like I had no right to be upset, and yet I was literally bursting with sadness. hang in there.

smidge that all sounds great! Pom-pomming furiously in this corner!

grin I don't think there is a normal! Everything crossed for you.

Ant that sounds tough. I feel like I'm stuck in a run of baby announcements at the moment - more than usual or at least from people who are prolific on social media, or in close proximity to me at work so there is no escape.

Glad the counselling was useful beaky, how are you today? I should probably give it a go at my FC. If they weren't messing me around because of their staffing issues I wouldn't be in such a state right now.

I have a horrible uneasy feeling of anxiety that I can't shake. I don't feel quite as low as earlier in the week but still struggling. I've been ok for a good few months but I can feel myself becoming depressed again. Hate this shit.

Smidge 8 and 9 cells by day 3!? My one was sitting at 4 cells at day three. Typical, even my embryos are lazy. It was probably sitting in the petri dish watching crap tv and eating m&m's instead of growing.

As per the nurses advice at the clinic I had a bit of a rummage around to clear out some on the crinone residue (sorry if tmi). I now have bright red spotting. It's only a tiny bit. There was some dark brown residue on the crinone leftovers too. Have I perhaps irritated myself and that has caused the bleeding or is it game over?

grin this is certainly our best day 3 result. My clinic wants to see 6-8 cells on day 3 BUT it can vary a lot with timing - apparently fertilisation could e as much as 4 hours different from one Petri dish to another, and then if you couple that with the timing between EC and when they check (some people have v early collections, others at lunchtime etc) you can see in reality there's a much larger range.

Crinone can definitely irritate your cervix, and discolouration is normal according to the gumpf. Spotting even without this added irritation isn't considered a sign that you're out afaik. However, I think it depends on the person....For me the change in colour of the crinone (aka cottage cheese / papier mâché remnants) has always been a bad sign - usually I get it from about 3/4 days after 5DT and it's always been a negative.

When can you test? You must be almost there by now?

I meant to say good luck!! I was thinking it but didn't actually type the words. It's a mindfuck as there really is just no way of telling without doing the test.

Smidge that's brilliant news about your day 3 embryos!

Grin, fingers crossed for you if you are testing soon.

Tiger, sorry to hear you are feeling down. The waiting is hard but with your results I think you have a great chance in 2016.

Beaky, glad the counselling went ok and you are feeling positive.

Sesame, hope all is ok with you.

I hat my first NHS appt today! He was quite nice and went through all our results. He said all mine look fine. He said the amh is fine. I said I thought it was low and he said I don't know why they tell people that as anything between 6-20 is normal. Not sure what to make of that to be honest. It's obviously low but maybe he just means it's the low side of normal but they should still have something to work with. He looked at dhs results and said yes low motility but it's not really bad blah blah. He wants me to have my bloods done again and a baseline scan which I presume is to count antral follicles and see how everything looks in there so I'm booked in for all that a week Tuesday. He said the good news is they changed their policy a couple of weeks ago and those 36+ no longer need to wait so we can start straight away. We then had to go out to reception and book in a slot to go back and set up our treatment plan and pick up the meds. I've gone for late Jan as I will have finished the Czech round and I will be able to start on my next period in Feb or if I think I need to leave more of a break I will just say we are away for that one and start in March so all went quite well. Being the NHS they only use menopur which I presume is because it's the cheapest! It's not ideal but got to just go with it. I know I'm not really going to have any say in what happens with this one so just going to try and chill. He said with our results he thinks treatment should work quite well. I told him about one of the Czech treatments where we only got 3 collected and he couldn't say why that hadn't worked but said it's very different to how they do things so see what happens I guess. I'm quite pleased that we have a few options in 2016