Any 40+ ladies out there TTC #1?

[JessieMcJessie]

Have looked at the buses and things but I feel a bit geriatric on them, with all the ages there for all to see, and the "old birds" type threads are lovely and supportive but a lot of the posters are dealing with issues like how to juggle older kids and a later pregnancy, or comparing ttc experiences now with the first time round.

Just wondered if anyone else was like me, basically didn't meet the right person till pretty late in life and now playing catchup and feeling slightly terrified of having left it all too late. I'm 41 (and 3 months) and DH and I got married in June and are now starting TTC. Most of my contemporaries had 2 or 3 kids before they were 40. I'm not afraid of the tiredness/no energy older Mum thing, or even really how old I'd look or feel at the school gates- I have actually been told many times I look younger than I am. No fertility probs that I know of and cycles seem regular and 28 days, but I have this awful dread that if the average time to conceive when young and healthy is 6 months, I just don't have enough time left. Silly to worry I know since we've only just started our 2nd cycle TTC, but would love to hear from anyone else in a similar position.

Happiness, what an awful dream! That certainly puts mine in the shade! These sorts of things are like someone twisting the knife in the wound, aren't they?

I've decided I'm consciously going to try to change my attitude. I'm beginning to thing that stress is changing my cycle and impacting our chances. And really there is just no point getting stressed and depressed about it because that will not help - just harm. Wish me luck because I know this is all 'in theory' - let's see how I actually manage in practice!

I might go to see a counselor though and do some CBT to try to get my anxiety under control. I tend to get quite stressed about a lot of things, not just ttc. Even if it isn't impacting us conceiving, it will be a good thing for my life in general!

Hope everyone else is OK. Charliegirl, have you used any OPKs to see if you're ovulating again yet? (sorry if you've already said and I missed it!)

Cityzen, sorry you feel like you've missed your chance this month. It's not always so easy to get the timing right, is it? We've messed up several times!

Stress can definitely affect your cycle! Just reading 'taking charge of your fertility' and she talks about a cycle were she was moving, had stuff on at work. She says it was as if her body was saying 'I'll tell you what, I'll put your ovulation on hold until you are ready! This delays period.
I'm not saying this is what has happened, but it's a possibility when we stress over TTC.
I'm on day 8 at the moment. FF app reckons I ovulated on day 12 last month. I'm worried as my partner is away til Friday and if I ovulate on day 12 again that will be on Thursday! Too early. It was a slightly shorter cycle by 2 days, so I'm hoping it's a bit later this month. Bloody hell! all these days and numbers does my head in!

Hi all. Cityzen you never know, maybe there were still a few swimmers left by the time you ovulated.

HS sorry you are feeling down but maybe the CBT is a good idea. My friend had it for work related stress and said it was fantastic, really helped her control things.

For me part of the problem is that I have a bit too much time on my hands what with being in my notice period at work, so too much opportunity to calendar- watch. Plus we're moving into summer now and since my birthday is in the summer (just, it's end August) I just feel like time is slipping away. But hey it's not as if we haven't been doing all we can...Our 1st wedding anniversary is in a month, would be fab to have a bun in the oven by then. Not to mention having ticked that box before we move back to the UK, which is looking like mid July now, with DH probably leaving 3 weeks before me.

Excited to have got a positive OPk today ( on test 10 of 100!) which is bang on if I take the first day of miscarriage bleeding as CD 1. so that gives us a chance this month and if no luck AF will arrive around the 25th and we can get started on the IUI.

Happiness dreams can be very powerful and although they are not literal, and probably not even a straightforward revelation of your subconscious, I know how it feels to be a bit haunted by them.

Daisy I keep meaning to read that book, there is no kindle version though and haven't got round to ordering a hard copy. I was quite into temping for a while in the beginning but got bored of it and decided that it was information overload. Is it worth reading if you aren't going to temp?

Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone.

Jessie, I borrowed the book from the central library to save buying it. I would say most of what I have read so far you can get reading online. So me of it is for women with very little knowledge of their bodies (stories about women thinking they have infections when it's just cervical fluid.
I'll let you know the more I read.
I have been tempting for a month or 2 (although I got out of the habit in the last week after getting at). I don't find it useful day to day, but it does help me to detect ovulation happened.
Going to start with OPKs tomorrow, but hesitant as I hear so many say they do not often detect anything, I hope it works out.
I've also had a couple of boozy evening in the last week. Worried that may affect this cycle. Sigh! I think we all worry too much.
I'm thinking of getting fertility tests soon of nothing happens this month.
Regular periods, never had any health issues. Does anyone have any clues about what sort of tests I should start with?

Yes I am crossing my fingers that there were still some swimmers left by the time I ovulated! Will find out soon enough I suppose.

Had a really bad day yesterday when DH basically said he thought we were too old to have kids and how he wouldn't be interested in them for the first few years and how we wouldn't have any money etc etc. Then after all that he said but we can keep trying if you want. I was really upset but I am trying to be understanding as he has had a bereavement recently. He is obviously devastated about it and I understand and want to support him and everything. He says he needs time but we haven't really got time have we? I understand that where he is at the moment he is just seeing the negatives and the worries about things but I see having a baby as something really positive for us.

Sorry about the rant - can't really tell anyone in RL about this so hope you all don't mind me telling you!

Daisy - I'm afraid I'm not sure about tests either but if anyone else knows I'd be interested too. I'm in a similar situation and was thinking I might go and get tested myself!

that's toughcity. will send a longer reply tomorrow.

Hi City. So sorry to hear about your DH's seeming change of heart. How long have you been together and did you have to work hard to convince him to ttc in the first place? Is he older than you?

Bereavement can make people behave in odd ways and we are all perhaps too ready to accept the simplistic notion of a new life somehow lessening the paid of the loss of a loved one, when in reality it's a bit more complicated than that. It can also throw up feelings such as "what's the point of procreating if we're all going to die anyway?". If the person who died was not a very old man/woman he might have fears about his own mortality and leaving a child fatherless.

As you say, the one thing that you absolutely don't have is time so you probably do need to make that clear to him, as gently as possible. It's hard though because we all have to accept that our partners have as much right to decide about having a child as we do and we're pretty stuck if it affects them emotionally to the point that they can't perform.

It's not fair of him to say on the one hand that he would "not be interested for the first few years" but on the other say you can keep on trying if you want. Do you think he really means that about not being interested? I know it's a risky strategy but I'd be inclined to dismiss that as the grief talking and bet on the fact that he'd love a baby the moment it arrived. However you know him and only you can tell about that.

Regarding the money, can you do some calculations to see if what he says is true? Is his fear based on actual figures?

Daisy the most important and informative test at an early stage of ttc problems investigations is the male sperm test.

I was offered AMH testing by my doctor which is a newish expensive test to determine overall fertility. However it's not that helpful because a "normal" result at our age is "low". I took it just to check I was not abnormally low but you'd probably be experiencing menopause symptoms if it was. I also had FSH tested - I think high FSH is an indication of being perimenopausal. However it has to be done on day 3 of the cycle and my GP did it on day 15 or something - fertility consultant said that it was basically meaningless but didn't suggest repeating it before ecommending we try IUI.

They can also do a dye test in your tubes if you have any history that might suggest scarring or blockage, and an ultrasound is a good idea to check for issues in the uterus or ovarian cysts etc.

PM me if you want the name of a doctor, you can go straight to a fertility specialist here without referral from a GP.

Hi Cityzen I'm sorry to hear you're in a difficult situation. I agree with what Jessie has said. I hope it's the grief talking and you'll sorted it out when he's in a better place. X

Thanks Jessie I'll PM you.
The sperm is good, that has been tried and tested....
Gulp, I'll be honest here. I don't have a partner (Hong Kong life....so many beautiful amazing western women are single here), I am using a friend as a known sperm donor. He has a young child already and has helped someone else in this way about a year ago. He is 31.
I agonised over this decision, but at the end of the day I have the rest of my life to find an amazing partner, I don't have the rest of my life to try to have a child.
Anyway, back to health.
I've never had an issue or symptoms of existing problems so I'm not sure about tubes. I have had 'female checks' where they manually feel lower organs and give a Pap smear (where the local HK nurse told me I had a very healthy vagina! Didn't know how to answer that...I exercise regularly?!? I eat 5 a day?!? )
I have only been trying for a few months, but I get worried about limited time and minds being changed!
Cityzen, I would definitely give him some grieving time, it may just be too much to think about at the moment. Could you continue your efforts for the next few months without involving him as much then broach the subject in a few months? Only you know your circumstances and how he may feel in a while. Xxx

That's interesting Daisy, I know exactly what you mean about HK life, I was VERY lucky to meet my DH here. but ot tookba long time. I may have mentioned my friend upthread who did something similar though she went the anonymous donor route so had IVF outside HK. A friend of hers did offer and she considered it very seriously. Assuming you are doing self-administered AI there have been a few threads on that at various points, and I know that one woman - Sparkly- on the Bumsnet angry pubes thread was doing it (with her husband's sperm), and there is also a gay poster- Juneybean- on that thread who is doing AI. (I lurk a lot!)

I can just imagine the nurse complimenting your vagina!

Just checking in by phone as can't sleep but just read your post daisy. Was the big gulp about not having a partner or about the method? Don't worry at all, as Jessie has indicated there are lots of ways to get pg and they are all being tried! My oh and I have to do self administered AI by the way.

ThehappinessTrap, gulp over the method. I have only told a couple of friends I'm doing this, I'm not ready for the questions yet.
I met him through a website, as HK doesn't help unmarried people so can't go to a sperm bank and do the anonymous route. I do prefer the idea that it's a known donor. We've met up a few times and he's visiting this weekend too. He's become more like a friend, but I'm still well aware of the distinctions. He has his own family, who I've met, that support him in this.
I did 'hypothetically' talk to a few friends about it, but thought it would be too complicated as I can see them wanting to be more involved further down the line.
One actually offered a while after a chat, but wanted a relationship along with it, which is not what I wanted with him. He has barely spoken to me since I turned him down

If I lived in the UK (where I'm from) it would be an easier process. I would also be more likely to find a fella there! But I don't want to move just to find a bloke, Haha!

This process does make the timing more complicated. At the moment if my cycle stays regular, ovulation is mainly at weekends so it works out ok.
Fingers crossed it stays like this!!

Thanks for all your support everyone.

Jessie - I've been with my DH for 10.5 years. He originally said he didn't want to have a baby but then changed his mind. I think you are right about the grief and thinking that why should we bother if we are all going to die anyway. He is a lovely person and I'm sure that if we were lucky enough to have a baby then he would love it and wouldn't just not be interested in it. Perhaps he was just feeling a bit worried about the responsibility etc. We have thought of money and we could manage but I suppose we would have to be more sensible and not go on as many holidays! As you say I don't want to force him into doing something that he doesn't want to do so perhaps I need to accept that this might not happen for us.

Then I just keep really hoping that by some miracle I get a bfp this month!!

Hope he comes round City.

Feeling a bit miserable today, 3dpo and feels like forever till end of the 2ww, and I just feel pessimistic about our chances this month. No real reason for it, other than getting closer and closer to my 42nd birthday and feeling like it is just too late.

On the upside I have got a job sorted for when I get back to London, an internal transfer but to a lower stress 4 day a week role. Was thinking about not working for a while but I think I need to be occupied so as to not be obsessive about ttc
and hopefully this job will be much more doable while pregnant, if we ever get there, than what I currently do. On the downside though it looks like DH will have to leave HK before me so we'll miss the July cycle- so we really need to get one in the bag in May or June! Did I already say this? Have lost track and am on phone so can't scroll back.
Annie how are things? HS will you soon be getting your referral?

Hi jessie
That's great about your job and it's good to cut back to look after your stress levels. Bummer about DH leaving sooner.. If only there was a way round it .... a dirty weekend in Dubai ???

It's not long really and time to enjoy your remaining time in HK.

I know about the 42 thing too, mine is looming.. Days not weeks! Still feel 30 though.

I'm having a mild panic today, preparing mentally for mmc no.3. I have no reason to, I just don't have faith that there is an embryo in there. I phoned the GP for an appointment and he/she is going to call me back today so I'll see what they say. I think id like an early scan so I know ASAP if it's viable. Boobs are sore-ish, nausea every but not as strong as I'd like.

Will see what happens. One day at a time!

I am waiting on clearblue digitals to arrive from amazon so I can torture myself further in the pursuit of the "3+" reading - I have been warned that this will only drive me mad. I have a horrible feeling it's not going to get past "2-3 weeks". Must find some faith from somewhere!!

And yes jessie - get it in the bag in May!!!!

I'm not sure I feel 30 but I feel no different to how I did physically at about 35 and mentally I don't think I fit the mould of a lot of women in their forties. But then many of them have kids and I think that being a prent makes you act and feel more grown up so not surprising really. I vertainly don't feel mentally like I have left it too late, rather that I am only just about ready now! Where did the time go? 42 can bugger off, frankly.

Fingers crossed for that 3+, that would mean 7 weeks right, are you that far on already or just amazon-ordering ahead?

yes, maybe not 30. That was a long time ago thinking about it!

I'm only 6wks today, is it 7 weeks that you see '3+'? I suppose it would mean > 3 weeks after conception so that would be 7.

Hi, girls! I've been a little out of the loop over this past week so have just read quickly back down the thread - I'd love to comment on every one of your comments, but I'm sure I'd bore you to death if I did, so just know that I've read every single comment and have had many if not all of the same feelings that you're describing!

Actually, when you read a load of comments like that one after the other from all of us, you realise even more what an up and down business this ttc thing is. One day we're feeling hope, the next just doubt and fear. I guess that just proves it's all normal - none of what we're feeling is anything strange!

ooh, I'm being a bit philosophical tonight, aren't I? Must be because I've just been for my first session of counselling for anxiety. I must say it was GREAT - a perfect mix of science and 'listening and understanding'. Obviously it was only the first session but I really do feel like it's going to help me - and then hopefully that will have a knock-on effect with ttc.

Oh, I got my referral through for the fertility clinic, too. The appointment isn't for a while, but I'm OK with that ...

Jessie, don't worry too much about missing July. We were going to have to miss July too (but now we won't) and I was worrying about that too, but in the grand scheme of things it won't make any difference. It's great that you got a new job - and one a bit less stressful. Lots of changes ahead for you!

Annie, thinking of you, too! It's good that you can get that early scan - if it were me I think that's what would put my mind at rest and then I'd be able to relax a bit ;-)

I'm in that brief few days of being able to relax about where I am in my cycle. Af over, opks not showing any line yet. Phew. All the other times I find stressful for one reason or the next!

HS26 your counselling sounds fantastic - i LOVE counselling!! I had access to a careers coach a few years ago when I got made redundant and she was also a counsellor so I totally pushed the boundaries and talked about anything but my career! It's SO good for you to talk these things through with someone who is listening and you can tell anything to. I'm so pleased for you.

Off out not to a 50th birthday party- can't be bothered, just want to get into my pj's and watch telly.

Hi all. Glad the counselling is going well for you HS. I was doing a clear ou. at the weekend and I came across an old notebook with a list I had written in december 2011 about "things that are worrying me". One of them was "how to play it with [DH name]. So funny, I can now hardly remember what it was like when I was unsure about our relationship. Here's hoping that in a few years'time I will look back at current worries with a DS or DD by my side and be unable to remember how they felt. Some other stuff on the list was oddly familiar though, such as "getting fat" and "behind on timesheets" .

7dpo today, nothing to report except boredom and impatience!

I know what you mean about the worrying! jessie. Every little thing!
For example, I'm not fretting over a 0.3 temp drop as a sign I didn't ovulate (after temp spike yesterday), if someone else told me this was a concern for them I'd tell them to really not worry over such a small detail!!
After getting my first OPK positive (Clear Blue digital much better than Boots OPK!) last Friday and signs of ovulation I'm now 2 DPO

Yes Daisy I like the Clear Blue digital tests - they are very clear aren't they.

AF turned up on Sunday even earlier than expected - sigh - here we go again! I have been having really weird cycles. Last one according to the clear blue monitor I ovulated on day 13 which is really late for me but AF turned up on day 26. I'll have to see what happens this month. Are they definitely accurate does anyone know? I felt as though as I was ovulating on day 10 as usual but apparently not!

I am also hoping that I ovulate a little bit later than normal as am away for the Bank holiday with no opportunity to dtd.

How is everyone else doing? Everyone on the 2ww - hope it hurries up and has a positive outcome.

My ovulation is varying a bit at the moment, too, but luckily (??) I get quite a strong achey feeling on the day of (or possibly day before) so know when things are happening! This month I've been caught out a bit because I've gone back to my 'usual' day 11 - 13 after a couple of months of slightly later.

Not that 'knowing' pretty much exactly when has helped us!!

DH's sperm test was 'fine' apparently (the doc is a woman of few words!) so now he's all puffed up and going on about having 'more tadpoles than the serpentine' and how the fact we haven't conceived yet isn't anything to do with him. Men!

Ha, funnily enough HS "fine" is exactly what my GP said about DH's sample too! We did get he full data eventually but I've never actually compared it to any objective stats to see quite how "fine" he is. When he got the result I was a little bit disappointed that it meant it was definitely all me, but that soon passed because I am pretty sure that it's easier to fix a lot of women's issues that it is to fix a low sperm count. And let;s face it when I am at an obvious age disadvantage I need the best sperm possible to counteract that.

Did a really stupid thing today. Am only 8 dpo but got a bit bored and had a whole wad of cheapy preg tests taunting me from a cupboard in the corner, so I did one. Of course it was bloody negative, I am 8 dpo! I told myself that I wouldn't let a negative disappoint me but of course it did even though it is totally illogical to feel like that. Must control urge to test again until AF is actually overdue (which is a week today).

City how's your DH?

This is post 500 by the way! We've had a couple of BFPs since I started it - stinkersmum, the poster working in Saudi who got a BFP not long after she stuck her head in here (in fact I think she was already pg when she did!), crispie (actually trying for #2 but we let her stay cos she was nice) and of course Annie . How are you doing Annie?

Roll call (in no particular order):

Daisy
City
HS
Annie
Happiness
Charliegirl
Toasted
Jessie

anyone I've forgotten?

Anyway all this talk of ovulation is getting quite repetitive, let's play a game instead. When you are TTC it's generally not a good idea to get carried away and think about baby names and definitely not to talk about them in real life. I have never even raised the topic with DH. But of course I have thought about it. So, here we go, have never told anyone this:

Boy - Magnus
Girl - Audrey

Care to share yours? (there will be no negative judgment on here)