Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Found it

Thank you MissA for the new thread.

Waves to everyone x

Well our little angels funeral was beautiful. One of the hardest things we've ever had to do and something I pray I never have to do again.

It was a gorgeous day and there were tons of butterflies in the childrens garden which was fitting as the chaplain read a poem called ‘On Butterfly Wings’ by Christine Bevington she also read one called little snowdrop, they were so tragic but very fitting.
It sounds awful but I can't believe that's it. Been so focused on the funeral and now it's all done.

Lake, I've been thinking of you today. I'm glad it was a beautiful day and a beautiful service. I too felt how you describe after the funeral. Can you and your DH make plans for the days ahead? Just walks/getting out of the house etc? I found it helped to have a focus, however small.

Thank you to everyone for thinking of my precious F and remembering him today, it means so much. I've been pleasantly surprised by the amount of people who have been in touch and considering the circumstances we've had quite a nice day. We took some flowers up to his grave (complete with headstone now) and then went on a long coastal walk and had a picnic. It's been lovely weather and I feel close to F in open spaces, I feel him in the sun on my face, the wind in my hair and the calming sounds of the sea.

Thank you for the new thread MissA

Lake, so glad it went well for you, that doesn't ever sound right does it I found the funeral extremely difficult and I think it's hard as it has such a build up to it.

Earth good to hear you have had a nice day too

Waves to everyone x

Earth I'm glad to hear you also had a nice day. Sounds like a lovely way to remember F.
I'm definitely going to make some plans to get me through the next few days

Beautiful posts from lake and earth. I was thinking of you both today and sending you love.

Heartbreaking to hear about people's toddlers role playing stillbirth. That must be so incredibly painful to see. My sister and I were born after my mum's stillbirth but we always grew up knowing about her baby boy and I used to go with her to visit his grave on his birthday. He was always a much loved and missed member of the family.

mad I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult day. It's bloody unfair.

earth I often feel close to J when I'm out in nature too. I sometimes feel his presence very strongly then, it's almost spooky, and I recognise exactly what you describe. Lots and lots of love to you, you wonderful brave mother.

lake The coming home to a quiet house is awful. You are not alone though, we will be here for you.

ducky so sorry to hear about your scare yesterday, you must have been beside yourself.

ruby your poor little one kissing the urn. I'm thinking of you, not long to go now before your second baby is safely in your arms.

Hope everyone else is surviving.

Was thinking of you both today lake and earth. Such difficult days to make it through.

ducky sorry to hear about your scary moment when they couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler, can't imagine what went through your mind. Hope the scan brought you some level of reassurance, even if for a little while.

Thank you missA for the new thread, a much needed place for us all.

I went and got checked out by my lovely community midwife this morning who managed to find the heartbeat straight away, such a relief. She very genuinely and kindly suggested I pop in once a week if I feel I'd like to and she'll have a listen, just to reassure me. I couldn't have thanked her enough, it's so nice to know I can pop in without an appointment and I'm not going to be made to feel crazy and insecure for doing so.

Waves to everyone x

Firstly, thanks MissA for the new thread :)

Lake been thinking of you today. I'm glad you had a beautiful day and that the service was beautiful also. I too felt like you after the funeral, i think i'd been that focused on getting through it that when it was over i was "well what do i do now?"

Earth i'm glad you had a nice day too. I love that you feel closer to F in open places, i've not experienced that since Ben.

ATM how nice of your CM, i can only hope for such understanding people for me the next time.

AFM we've had Brian's 5th birthday today, and without meaning to sound awful toward Brian i felt strange, and couldn't put my finger on why, until we went out for dinner, and then it hit me- i realised that i hadn't put Ben's name on Brian's brother card from his sister and then instantly wondered if i should have done. Apologies for the rambling, it's been a nice but odd day.

Waves to all xx

Hi all. lake I'm glad it went as well as it could today. It is strange after the funeral, me and Mr owl went away for a few days afterwards just the two of us. I hope the next few days are peaceful, will be thinking of you.

earth glad your day went well, sounds like you had a lovely day as a family as well as remembering your angel. I'm glad you felt close to him today.

ATM sounds like you have a great CM. I'm sure just knowing you can go and get checked will help.

kayleigh glad Brian had a good birthday. I guess it will feel odd not to have Ben at these events, we all miss our babies at these special family times in particular. Hugs to you.

ruby, blue, missa hope all is well. Waves to everybody.

Thank you for the new thread MissA.
I'm at work so will write properly later.
Thinking of all our little angels playing together today x

Madem! That last sentence of yours has given me goosebumps. It may sound silly to some but I truly believe that our angels are up in heaven together until we get to be with them again.

Today at work a colleague who was pregnant the same time as me has come back from maternity. It completely threw me seeing her, I managed a big hello but she barely looked at me never mind spoke! Like she was looking down her nose at me and didn't want to associate with the woman that had a stillbirth. It was awful. In fact I'm so at the way she made me feel. Her son was born on 'A's due date - I will forever have that following me around.

It's funny you are ok and then WHAM a little thing like that hits you. Oh well, she looked rough and she has AGED tremendously! stupid cow.

Keep smiling ladies x

Kayleigh I think it's lovely to include Ben's name on your other little boy's card. He is part of your family. I think when I write cards from me and MrC I might include a star or symbol to include my son in some way. Our children are always going to be part of the family.

Missalex how are you doing with the GD? Hope things are ok.

Tulip urgh at your colleague ignoring you - that would really upset me too. It's a shame people don't know how to handle things with kindness, grace and sensitivity. The few people who have said nothing to me and didn't acknowledge my loss really hurt me. Do you have a schedule for your ivf cycle?

AFM just heard my next frozen embryo transfer will be next week on Weds. Trying to not invest too much emotionally in this round as it was so painful losing my last pregnancy after being so hopeful.

Mademoiselle I love the idea of our little ones together.

Love and waves to everyone, sorry for short phone post.

Tulip, that's so hard. It must have been difficult enough for you to see her let alone have her just ignore you. I imagine she just didn't know what to say rather than meaning to be unkind. I hope tomorrow is easier.

Critter, I will be quietly rooting for you and J's twibling. I can understand you not wanting to get your hopes up too much so I won't go on about it, but I will be here in the background cheering on you and your embie.

I'm cheering for you too critter. tulip in so sorry your colleague was so insensitive. You did so well greeting her, must have been hard and she ignored you! Unbelievable.

Tulip how awful about your work colleague, i hope tomorrow is a bit better for you

Mademoiselle i love the thought of all our little ones together, it's a comforting thought

critter i can understand you not wanting to invest too much emotionally, i'll be quietly keeping everything crossed for you all the same

Love and hugs to missa ruby betty ATM owl earth ducky blue lake and anyone lurking xxx

Tulip I am on your behalf about your colleague - and secretly love the fact that she looked like shit. Pah! (I used to be nice, I swear!)

Gosh Critter - exciting / frightening times ahead! We are all here, like a huge tide of warmth and support and love and will be praying for a sticky twibling ( I

Tulip your collegue is a disgusting human being for doing that I'm with m and like that she looks like crap (I also used to be nice!)

M, what you went through was an extremely difficult thing, you were so incredibly brave, a couple of weeks under 24 weeksdoes not lessen the pain that you went through so your loss is just as painful as everyone else's. I would definitely speak to your gp about stuff, even just to put your mind at rest. I don't think my experience with the bleeding will help as I think I'm a bit wierd, I only ever had AF for 2 - 3 days, after dd I bled for a week at most and had AF 3 weeks later

Waves and hugs to everyone x

Not long for ruby now!!! So excited! X

Mad, I think how you describe feeling is entirely normal and there is no cut off point at which your grief should be less than others. You had to make an incredibly hard and brave decision for Baby G and you have lost not only Baby G but your hopes and dreams for them as well. Don't beat yourself up by thinking you "shouldn't" be feeling the way you do.

I'm on the app and have totally forgotten what else I wanted to say so ill have to post and then write again-sorry!

Oh yes-AF. If the doctor said 4-6 weeks I would def see GP. They might not be able to do anything but at least you will have asked and ticked a box. Don't think I'm much help as after F I bled for 11 weeks but then had AF 4 weeks after, so pretty much the opposite problem to you!

Thank you Ducky - you're so polite too. I have utter filth coming out of my mouth at the moment - never quite sworn so much! Ah well, I'll be polite and lovely later. For now I'll just be.

Oh gosh Ruby - so so soon indeed. I'm so impatient on your behalf. Thinking of you lots and can't wait for you to be able to breathe a huge sigh if relief! X

madem it's so frustrating waiting for AF isn't it? I can't remember how long I bleed for, but I had her beginning of sept and my AF arrived on Xmas day. So round 4 months. They've not come back yet after this one but I'm breastfeeding. Think everyone's different really.

Just popping in quickly, apologies for not name ckecking - I've read but havent got time to reply properly. On Tuesday one of my closest friends received an absolutely devastating diagnosis so am at the hospital with her. She has two your children I am SO angry at life/destiny/God/whatever for heaping such shit on such decent lovely people (you all included) it is just so unfair. But no need to tell you ladies about "unfair". Rant over.

Ruby Can only imagine the nerves/excitement at your house. If I dont get chance to check in again I just want to wish you all the best for Saturday, I cant wait for you to have your rainbow in your arms. Will be thinking about you all day! Big hugs for you and your DH x

Waves to all x

Meant to say "two young children"

missA life is rubbish sometimes sorry that your friend has received such a bad diagnosis, at least she has your support.
madem my DH is waiting for AF too, but since we only lost E two and a half weeks ago I think he'll be waiting a while yet! If they told you 6-8weeks then it can't hurt to see the GP and get their opinion.
Ruby can't imagine how you must be feeling, thinking of you and your family

AFM I've been trying to keep busy. Started a list of all those odd jobs I'm too lazy I've never found the time to do hoping to get at least one thing done every day. Combine that with at least an hours walk every day and in some ways the days seem to be passing way too quickly.
We got the appointment to see the obstetrician through the post yesterday for the PM results it's not until 30th October. I thought it was a mistake and they meant September but no. It's led to a huge conversation between DH and me as he is desperate for a baby and wants to start TTC once AF has been. I'd said I wanted to wait until after the PM results so I knew what to expect and whether the care would be different. I also don't think I could cope going so far overdue again so would want to know what the options were. The issue DH is worried about is E was conceived nov/dec so he's worried we could end up with another baby due in August which he thinks may make the whole thing much harder.
I ended the discussion by saying that I'm not sure we should plan anything just see what happens. I feel so bad for my DH as he always wanted 3 or 4 children and neither of us are getting younger. Its so unfair to get so close to starting the family that we longed for for so long to have it ripped away.

Sorry bit of a rant today!!