Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Cake am thinking of you today. So many what ifs and it is just so incredibly painful to think of what could have been. I don't have a living child but I too hate the thought of all the time that's passed, and I think your sorrow is totally normal. I have heard that there can be benefits to having a larger gap, your little girl will have a very protective and sweet relationship with her next sibling, and often siblings that are close in age don't get on as well. Some of my best friends are closest to siblings a lot older or younger than them.

I'm 35 now but started TTC at 31, and I hated having the genetic talk at the hospital about being an older mother. It felt so bloody unfair! I always wanted a big family as well and it is hard to let go of what could have been. But as town says, you can have babies, you have shown you can, your next little one will come to you. I'd talk to your doctor about ttc and see what s/he says. You are still recovering post partum and post c section right now. Your body needs time to recuperate.

Town I totally identified with what you said about the desperate urge to be pregnant again post loss. I just wanted to magic away what had happened and be back in my pregnant happiness and have my baby to fill my empty arms. That is very true. The urgency eased a little after maybe five or six months. But it was awful. I remember my sister had a stray dog who she took it who turned out to be pregnant, and she had to take the dog to the vet to get her spayed and terminate the pregnancy (she was living in a developing country at the time and didn't know anyone who would have taken the puppies). The poor dog had already made herself a nest under the bed to have her puppies and after her operation she went and lay in her nest and wouldn't come out for days and days. I really identified with her. Oh, also, I'm a Brit living in the US with an American DH.

Betty I had a much earlier mc than you and didn't have the trauma of your terrible erpc experience - but I found the post mc crash awful. It really compounded my grief. My mum who also had a mc after her stillbirth told me that it was her lowest moment. You really are in the pit at the moment, but you WILL recover and you won't be in this horrible abyss forever. I am just so sorry you've been tortured like this.

Kayleigh - first tri tiredness is no joke. I'm still knackered and sick at 14+4. But when I feel ok for a few hours I panic that the baby has died! I take my hat off to you getting through it with two living children to look after. That is amazing in and of itself. Can your DH or relatives help at all?

Ducky I agree that you should never feel bad for checking things are ok with your son. Like you I feel guilty I was too relaxed in my pregnancy and if I had been more anxious and pushed harder for a more hands on model of care (which ironically is typical in the US) someone might have spotted there was a problem with J. With the next child I will definitely not be shy to seem more neurotic!

town i'm so pleased (that really sounds wrong) that G's headstone is exactly what you wanted. Your plan for the anniversary sounds beautiful. We've got an idea of the headstone we want for Ben, but i need to speak with the vicar first to make sure it's appropriate- unfortunately her husband was in a terrible accident and she hasn't returned back to church yet

Thank you town and critter for assuring me that the extreme tiredness isn't as odd as i'd thought. DH is doing as much as he can when he's not working, which is muchly appreciated. As for other family- my mum is still expecting me to run around after her. She's actually made me quite mad today as she has a doctor's appointment this afternoon, yet still demanded i go to the shop for her this morning so she can just go straight home .

Love to all xx

Hi all, I'm still here lurking. Praying for those of you who are preto for continued healthy and happy days, those who aren't and want to be hoping for baby dust for us and for those who are in a different place just be kind to yourself and your OH.

AFM - ovulation coming up so about to be pestering the hubby again!

I'm so sorry I've not been so active on here lately, life is just happening and I'm letting it flow.
I just wanted to give kayleigh and critter big squeezes for their beans.
And Betty a true, heartfelt hug. It all sucks and I'm so sorry...

kayleigh I'm angry for you about your mum. Has she always been like that? Time to introduce her to internet shopping, methinks.

Go Vicky, don that cape, whoop whoop!!

Waves to Madem, letting it flow is a great plan after everything you've been through.

I've read back and counted 3 MCs in Dec and Jan.
Maybe this is an unlucky fred. 1 more page to go and we can be fresh shiny new and positive.

vicky keeping my fingers crossed for you this month.

town this is a long running thing with my mum unfortunately. She's not in the best of health (first heart attack in 2004, followed by cardiac pacemaker implanted, second heart attack just before Christmas in 2012, followed by open heart surgery the following January to put a mechanical valve in, and then a pacemaker replacement last in May 2014). I'm the only child and whenever mum's been ill or just out of hospital i've gone shopping for her so she doesn't have to do it. The issue now is she doesn't do anything for herself these days (the only time she gets dressed is if she has an appointment with the doctor ect)- she just sits smoking at home, and it's not just a couple of times a week she asks me to do things now. Sorry, that turned into an essay somewhat.

Hi everyone,

Been busy being a mum the past week and a half as our part time nanny is 8 months pregnant and won't work that much anymore (she's having a boy) plus our little girl's had a cold with some lingering snot and coughing so I didn't want our nanny to get sick so close to her due date. Have been interviewing a new girl but not convinced yet. I think I'm getting more and more paranoid about who's reliable enough to take care of our daughter. Our nanny and I were pregnant together for a while and it's been hard to see her bump grow. BUT, she's tried to get pregnant for nearly 6 years and she's had so many mc's that I find it hard not to be happy for her. She hasn't told me just how many mc's she's had over the years but I believe it's double digits. When our son died she told me never to give up hope, she never did.

Betty and Cake, I was shamelessly smug about the age gap there was going to be between our daughter and our son. I think the smugness made the pain so much worse when our son died. Now all I see when I go outside is girls with little brothers. One of the hardest things for me was definitely letting go of the future I had envisioned. One girl one boy and maybe another kid later. Now I don't know anymore. And Cake, I'll be 39 in March so I too feel the pressure.

Critter, I'm going back to the office a couple of days next week. Been working from home a little here and there which has been quite fun. Last week was the first time I felt I actually wanted to go back. I'm sure it will be hard but I'm hoping it will be good too.

Town, I'm Swedish living in the U.S. with a British husband :)

Giant, my husband and I have decided to wait a few months to ttc. We talked about it last night and I think it's the right decision. Since my obsession with being pregnant again subsided I've started thinking more about how fragile our lives are and what a tremendous strain the grief of loosing a child put on our relationship. I'm hoping we'd be able to get through it if it happens again but I'm also now thinking maybe it's better if we don't try at all. We have one heathy little girl and we are a small but sound family unit. I was so ready to become a family of four (or even five) but now everything feels different. But then again, I've rarely regretted anything I did in my life before, good or bad. Maybe it is like some people say that you only regret the things you didn't do. Oh I don't know. Anyways it would be fun to actually get to enjoy some intimacy without the constant worry about ttc. I'm so happy you're feeling stronger.

Love to everyone

Xxa

Hi everyone, did a massive reply to everyone and managed to delete it so just sending a quick message to check in.

Sorry to hear a few of you are having a tough time, I hope you all have plenty of support. I sometimes feel like when I have these periods it helps me work through how I'm thinking and feeling (although it doesn't feel like it at the time!) I hope this is the case for you

AF finally turned up (after going to the doctors to get the pill in the hope of resetting my cycle) Glad I don't have to take anything to get myself back to normal.

Can't remember who asked how old everyone was. I can totally understand that you almost put extra pressure on yourself if you're over a certain age. In my case I'm 26 and have had two babies who haven't lived. My sister in law is 37, got pregnant by accident and had a perfect pregnancy, labour and baby. Try not to worry about the age thing too much, I think there is too much emphasis put on age sometimes.

I have said to dh I need to try and put back as much as I get from this thread. I feel like I get a lot of support from all of you but struggle to keep up with the thread sometimes and feel I'm a bit rubbish-sorry, I will try harder!

Just checkin in guys, ended up in hospital, he was struggling wih his breathing. Just in an ambulance to a specialist baby hospital now

Checking in for the first time in ages. Ducky, so sorry to hear your little one is so poorly, really wish him a speedy recovery. What a worry for you. Thinking of you.

Sorry I haven't been around for a while. I keep up to date with the thread about once a week but it moves so fast I struggle to get my head around sending personal responses to everyone, so my apologies.

So sorry to read that there has been yet more sadness for some of you recently. Wishing you strength in these dark days.

Hope all rainbow Mammies are doing well and that that the lovely rainbow babies are happy and thriving.

AFM, we have our c-section booked for four weeks today (19th Feb) and the anxiety is getting worse, not better as I'd hoped. The nearer we get the more I feel like something will still go wrong. I washed some of DD's (now 3.5) baby things yesterday and really felt I was tempting fate. The date of our section will be 4 days after F's first birthday which in some ways is a comfort. We're being well looked after by the consultant so I guess all we can do is hope and pray we get to bring out rainbow baby home.

Thinking of you all x

Just a quick post to send ducky lots of love and hugs, i hope the docotrs at the baby hospital get ds back to full health asap xx

Can see this thread hasn't been posted on in a while but didn't know where else to introduce myself.. So hi

I've two children - this month was our first ttc our 3rd :)
I have a son who will be 4 in May, and a daughter born last July who died as a result of placenta abruption (mid-labour) - I'm a 0.2% statistic unfortunately.
She would have been 6 months old in 3 days time. It was completely unexpected & to come so close to giving birth to an otherwise perfectly healthy baby - devastating.

So here I am.. It's been two years since deciding to add to our family & so much has changed, but at the same time nothing has changed. Hoping I get a 2015 baby so the next couple of months I'll be all over DH like a rash

Period is one day late, but I had a negative test this afternoon so looks as though period is just toying with me! The joys of ttc..

Ignore my first paragraph - clearly I was in cuckoo land when saying it hadn't been posted on recently - numpty!

Allterrainmammy - I don't know you're story so I hope you don't mind me wishing you well for your c-section.
I really hope that you leave hospital with a lovely, snuggly bundle. Xx

Hi everyone
I'm a complete newbie to forums but thought I'd give it a go as you all seem so friendly and supportive.

Our angel Poppy passed at 4 days old. It'll be 2yrs on March 9th and trying again is something we want but so scared for too many reasons to list. Is it fair on the other children? Is it fair on Poppy? Will it be ok? Can I cope with it again? So confusing but I know we have to try.

Xxx

Ducky So sorry to hear that little one isn't very well. I hope he starts to pick up soon, can't imagine how you must be feeling but you're in the best place.
Allterrain Sorry you're feeling overwhelmed by it all. You're bound to have a million conflicting feelings going on all at once given what you've been through. No advice but want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Winter and Mimi welcome to the thread although I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost my daughter Anneliese in September due to placental abruption mid labour and am also ttc at the minute. I think it's normal to feel unsure about ttc again. I think a lot of us have gone back and forth with how we feel about ttc. From what I've heard from the ladies here, children are remarkably resilient and they are often the reason these ladies manage to keep going. All I would say is do what feels right for you and be kind to yourselves, you'll probably feel all over the place some days but that's ok! Sending lots of baby dust!!

Ducky hope DS is ok, how scary for you. At least in the specialist baby unit he is getting the best possible care.

Welcome Winter and Mimi! I only joined this forum a month or so ago but they're a lovely bunch of girlies on here. I lost my little girl in Feb, and I wish I'd found this forum earlier - plenty of room for more, even though it's always sad that you're here in the first place.
I've been TTC for 2 months now, and due to test Saturday... no sign of AF yet so I'm quietly hopeful.

Allterain lovely to hear from you, and glad that you have a c-section date. You are brave having your rainbow on the same timeline as your angel. There's not a lot that can be done about the anxiety, not long now though, the finish line is in sight and it sounds like you have good support in RL.

kayleigh that sounds so tough with your mum on top of everything else. You are one strong lady, that's for sure!

Hello everyone, huge essay coming to catch up and spout thoughts (I've been away from people for so long...)!

Sad but glowing welcomes to winter and mimi, this lovely group will look after you. allterrain we haven’t met yet, waves to you too.
ducky please update us as soon as you are able to, hanging on to know your DS is feeling better soon.

I’ve been following all your updates and it’s good to read about your progress - and it is progress isn’t it? Even if it’s very hard sometimes, you’re amazing! The depth of your empathy despite all you're going through is real evidence of how well you're doing, IMHO. Thanks for your kind words about my recent MC. This thread is like a lesson in how not to feel so alone. My heart aches for all of you.

Lots of similarities cropping up - annaelis and cake I'll be 39 in March. Pressure was all I felt before this MC. Deciding to notice the things I was too pressured to - that scientific fact doesn't support the idea that we're much less fertile or less able, for example - has helped me to step back. town and critter talked about the same desperation I felt about TTC and yes, I was just desperately missing the little boys I was carrying and wanting exactly that again. Five or six months on seems to be a common stepping-off point amongst us here, at least from that particular part of our grief.

cake I have written a lot since losing my boys. Not so much a journal but maybe like short essays on certain aspects of loss as they came up and became too much to think about and not write down. What I’ve found helpful in the past with what I thought of as journal writing was to put down all of the words in whatever order they arrived, no matter if they made sense or not, just to get it all out of my head. It’s not meant for anyone to ever read or be able to understand, so gibberish or repetition is never judged - by you or anyone else. I hope it helps you - writing is an honest place for me. I echo ellie in the thought that tough times call for reflection on your inner monologues and just getting them out on paper is in itself a good way to see what is coming to the fore and maybe needs to be addressed, or held in your heart, or just noticed. betty I really feel for you right now - the one thing guaranteed to make my eyes leak is remembering my blackest days after losing the twins - anything that drags you back even close to there is just so undeserved and so cruel.

town and kayleigh I love that your memorial plans have/ are coming together. I’ve wondered if having a stone to visit would be right but we had a cremation and we’d planned to scatter the ashes - actually booked a trip and there was a storm so we couldn’t go (it involved a boat journey). I felt that the place and the plan were totally right but I was glad of the storm because I still felt too raw to say goodbye - it felt so final and we were out of our minds at the initial service - there was no closure to be had so soon after. The whole trip is on ice and people have been very good about leaving us to find another time, maybe on the other side of winter. In truth I’m still not ready but I do still think that is what we’ll do. We hope to make the place itself special for us that way, so any time we take the boat there again we can take time to peacefully remember our babies.

I'm back to work (again) today post MC. I’ve felt very drained this week, really unable to leave my DH and think about work - it was awful so I cut it short and nobody complained. I get so consumed by my job because I really do love what I do but I’m definitely on the unhealthy side of ‘focused’ when I’m in that zone. One of the things I loved about being pregnant was having a totally different order of importance - my boys were number 1 and 1! The first time I had a healthy relationship with my work ever! It would have been the same this time - I could feel the shift - but I had only two days back before the MC. How to keep that feeling without the babies to think about? I have taken on a lot of extra work, all arranged before I knew I was pg, so yes, town, there is also a very child-unfriendly trip coming up where I am doing about 2.5 days’ work on a nine day trip to a buzzing city far, far away.

Pregnant ladies - I hope you’re feeling fine and getting all the love and reassurance you need! kayleigh both my early pg experiences were characterised by UTTER exhaustion. I even made a sneaky ‘bed’ in the back room at work so I could lie down because with the twins I felt so tired I wanted to cry! I only used it once - just knowing it was there made the desperation fizzle away.

TTC ladies, vicky et al - all my bestest vibes are winging their way to you! Get it ON!

And those of us going with the flow, madem and others, let’s see how that goes, yeah? GWTF is a bit up and down at this time of year, for anyone, let alone those of us still wrestling with our pain and loss. We’re here for leaning on.

Sorry for such a massive essay but you'd all opened up so many avenues of thought and experience I just wanted to respond fully and hope to open them more for everyone in return. Ignore or jump in as you choose. We're all here. Sending love in big waves to you all, gm xxx

Sorry havent been around for a while, I have been reading but not posting. Good luck to all the ladies ttc. Sorry for those who have mc. After what you have already been through I think life can be so cruel.

A lady I know lost her baby at 36 weeks the week before christmas, another lady lost her little boy 22 dec at 3months old,and today I just found out a family friends sister lost their baby this week who was due in 3weeks. Devestating. Before this happened to me, I didnt know anyone who had a stillbirth, now I know 6 people from the last 18 months. It truely saddens me that it is happening more frequently.

Im due to go back to work march after almost two years off. There is no way I could have gone back after just 8 weeks. It took me almost 10 months to pluck up the courage to go in. It wasnst as bad as I thought, but I knew they were all thinking about what had happened which is why I was anxious. Looking back, I could probably have gone back early, and it might have helped me, but at the time I shut so many people out as it seemed easier than facing upto reality.
Im quite looking forward to going back to work now which I never thought would happen.
All those ttc, dont give up. Like a few on the thread, I have my rainbow. She's such a little smiler (when she's not screaming the house down) I just wish id found this thread earlier, I could have shared my journey with you.

Sending sticky bean vibes and baby dust to all x

Thanks ladies for the warm welcome - whilst pregnant with my last child I was a member of a pregnancy forum which was a lifeline at times.. Met some wonderful ladies.. All of whom now have 6month old little ones, so I've distanced myself from them for self preservation really.. So I hope to make some good friendships here :)

I've had a quick read through the last few pages of the thread..
ducky I hope your little one is okay xx
mimi sorry to hear about Poppy's passing..sometimes we just have to have hope that it'll all work out, & push through our anxieties. Xx
town quietly hopeful for you as well..fx xx

I did read many more posts but I'm about to fall asleep with the phone in my hand..again.. Ha..
I have no idea what times zones are most applicable here but goodnight from me xx

Hey all,

A warm welcome to Winter and Mimi. And welcome back Terrain, I don't think I met you before. I joined in August when I lost our baby boy at 40 weeks due to placental abruption. I'm deeply sorry for your losses. This is a place of heartfelt support and I hope you'll find it as helpful as I have. To say it's been a rocky road since August for me it's an understatement but the ladies on this thread are amazing, caring and have truly made a difference in my path back to the world of the living.

Ellie, I try to hold on to the thought that age isn't the only thing that matters but it is stressful. However, hearing your point of view makes me think that the stress I'm feeling isn't at all unique to age and probably feels the same to all of us. Also agree with you about giving back on here. I'm very aware of all my offloading :/

Ducky, I'm thinking about you all the time. I hope your little guy gets the care he needs and that you'll be home soon! Huge virtual hug to you, hang in there!

Waves to everyone xxxxxx

a.

Hello everyone and I would like to introduce myself as a long term lurker. I am the DM of a DD whose LO died last year and I have found reading your posts has helped me understand and be better able to support my DD and SiL through the awful dark days we have been through.

I wanted to thank each and everyone of you, you are the bravest and kindest group of ladies on MN. I hope 2015 brings sticky beans to you all. I know it is not MN at all, but I would really like to give you all a hug x.

Wow what a warm welcome thank you so much. It's really encouraging to see that others are feeling and doing the same as me. I hope to be able to give lots of support back to you lovely ladies.

Reading these posts is such an eye opener, my biggest fear is I never thought it would happen to me so what's to stop it happening again. But I can see how brave you all are pushing on, having ups and downs but doing it anyway.
Going to ttc positively, my dh won't know what's hit him.

Thank you ladies, sending love to you all xx

Thanks for the welcome back. For those of you who don't know me, I've been here (mostly lurking, occasionally posting) since spring time last year when we lost our gorgeous baby boy 'F' at 21 weeks. I feel a bit of a fraud at times as our loss was nowhere near full term and what some of you ladies have been through is so horrific. However, he was and always will be our gorgeous little boy and I feel so grateful to have given birth to him. Currently sat here at almost 35 weeks pregnant with our rainbow and the thought of anything happening now terrifies the life out of me.

We have a DD who is now 3.8 and has been an absolute lifeline. I do feel so much guilt at times though that for the last 18 months or so I've either been pregnant or consumed with grief and that she's missed out on being a toddler. I can't wait to run and play and laugh again with her once this little one arrives and we have completed our family.

Sad welcomes to the lovely new ladies. Sorry you join us here but please feel reassured that it's a comforting sad place to be and the ladies on this thread know every emotion you feel and are here for you.

Chottie, how nice of you to post and I'm glad that this thread has helped you and your family in some way. I hope that your daughter is doing as well as can be expected. Please feel free to point her in our direction if she's a m'netter.

Hope all of you have a peaceful day, whatever you're up to x

ATM, that's exactly how I felt, more nervous as my date came closer. Sending you lots of love x

A sad but warm welcome to winter, mimi and chottie, such a sad thing that were gaining so many members on this thread I lost my first daughter at 32 weeks in February, they couldn't find a reason but just said the placenta failed. I had my rainbow in December (I know quick!)

Thank you all for your thoughts. It has been terrifying. They managed to turn down ds oxygen slightly this morning and he has coped with it okish, his still putting a lot of effort into breathing.

Will update more when I can x