TTC after a MC (I'm really rubbish at thread titles sorry)

[DoctorDonnaNoble]

The Rules...

(1) A lady may only POAS on a Friday.
(2) Friday means the day that everyone calls Friday in the time zone where you spent the night.
(3) Rule (1) does not apply to POA-OPK-S, UNLESS they are being illegitimately used as surrogate HCG detectors, in which case Rule (1) most definitely does apply
(4) Rule (1) does not apply following a BFP because if you want to waste £25 a day POADigiS that's your prerogative
(5) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady is POAS in an attempt to get a BFN to prove she can start DTD with intent
(6) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady wants for unknown reason to pee on an actual stick, like a twig or some such, if that lady is unexpectedly caught short whilst tramping in the forest looking for bears.
(7) These rules (including Rule (1)) are subject to the change at any time if the ladies of the Posifrickentivity thread decide on a whim come up with empirical evidence to prove that it is luckier to POAS on any other day of the week
(8) Violators of Rule (1) shall be subject to fish throwing.

And as a grand finale, why not pledge to NEVER POAS before 14DPO?

Morning everyone
I'm experiencing the most awfully heavy painful period at the moment which I am Very Fucking Annoyed about. Woke me up in the middle of the night twice. Dosed up on paracetamol and nurofen so I can drag myself to work. Trying to see the positive side which is that my cycles seem to have returned to 28 days, last month and this month.

I have run out of OPK tests so am just going to temp for this cycle, if I remember. I'm trying to be all casual about it .... let's see how long that lasts haha

Officelady hope it eases soon!

Thanks for the congrats ladies, I really hope its the start of more good news to follow! Lots of baby dust x

With regards to the statistics, I know 3 others that are pregnant directly around me at the minute. So I was definitely the number 4, who had the mc.

Hopefully this time it is a sticky bean! Trying to keep positive!

Hugs, Sunbathing- I had the exact same fight with my DH yesterday (well it started the day before when I was ov'ing and he didn't want to DTD, then I continued the fight yesterday) so totally get how you're feeling. I do love my DH really and wouldn't want to be with anyone else, even if they were rampant(!) and I'm sure you feel the same when he isn't pissing you off

I wish our DHs could feel the absolute screaming NEED to be pregnant again- maybe they'd understand then!

tori I am in counselling after my 2nd. I just felt so unable to cope... I'm still in denial that this has happened to us and at times am SO angry. Throwing things at walls and everything! I just wanted to have somewhere to go and talk to someone about what I'm feeling.

sunbathing can you try not to mention DTD and just jump him? I totally relate to getting angry with DH... one month he went out on one of the key nights and got absolutely plastered so he was good for nothing, I was so angry I hit him. He has mentioned to me now that he prefers not to know specifically, as he feels that it puts a lot of pressure on him to perform, so I'm going to try really hard to just jump him every other day in the middle of the cycle and hope that that does it! I also went out and bought some sexy underwear to surprise him. Can you go on a "date", out to dinner or something to get him in the mood? Tell him you're not wearing any knickers or something? Also, I prefer DTD at night but he really prefers the morning so I'm making an effort to go for it at his preferred times. I think we underestimate what an impact all this has on the boys, since they tend not to talk about it too much. DH told me once it makes him feel a bit like I only see him as a babymaking machine, not a partner. The important thing is that, as you said, you had "the best relationship" - it's about you & him creating something special together. Don't feel bad about how you feel - I think everything you're feeling is totally normal given what we're going through but try to remember those reasons you're with HIM. xxx

Oh charlie you said the whole creating-something-special-together thing SO much better than I did!

The only way I've managed to overcome DH NOT understanding the burning need to be pregnant, is by knowing that you ladies DO understand it. He tries, but he's not perfect (shockingly, neither am I lol!) and knowing that there's a way to get the bit that he can't give me is really helpful. Don't think I've expressed that particularly well, but hope it makes sense!

B4rley, I haven't yet said congratulations- so happy for you

greysar you're absolutely right... I've found this thread and the recurrent MC one a total lifesaver. Poor DH has a lot to deal with, in addition to the whole TTC/MC thing he's having a VERY stressful & busy time at work with lots of trips abroad. I NEED to talk about everything that's happened in the last 9 months so I really don't know what I'd do without you ladies. I'm trying to keep it off DH's plate so our relationship stays romantic & nice rather than me being upset all the time. I do tell him when I'm super stressed and he's great, but I know he can't cope with it all the time. We have both been working hard to make a very difficult situation as easy as possible for each other.

I'm a very lucky girl... DH said to me the other day "we're lucky, we've had a silver lining to the MCs because they've brought us closer together...losing a child can so easily push a couple apart." I'm tearing up now, what a gem I found He's got his faults but he is extremely good at stepping back and appreciating the good in every single day (whereas I'm a stressy grumpmonger, but hey-ho!)

Don't worry - complaining is what we're all here for! All I mean is that I'm in a good space with DH at the moment but I have AF at the moment so I'm not in that middle of the month want-to-kill-DH time. It's easier for me to be positive! I have certainly had my share of wanting to divorce him!

Counselling can be useful, if only to give you someone else to moan to. I started laughing in yesterday's session when she actually asked "and how does it make you feel?"... she asked why I was laughing and I was like "the CLICHE of what you just asked!!!" I think she thinks I'm a little nuts. But that's what she's there for!

sunbathing I think you just pretty much summed up how I, and I imagine most of us, are through the month; normal-crazy-crazier-normal again. Take it easy on yourself, don't forget to be nice to yourself as well xx

Afternoon all

I know the pressure of DTD - the last time we conceived we were using clear blue sticks with smiley faces and I made mistake of telling DP. He really struggled with the performance bit of it. So I'm conscious of not trying to be obsessive. But AF hasn't turned up yet so I guess I'm quite laid back at the moment as I'm not expecting anything. That may change!!!!!

I could have written what you all did about your DHs. I just want to scream at mine most of the time at the moment, asking why he doesn't seem to understand/know how important ttc is for me? Does he not think about it every day? Why doesn't he exercise, take more supplements/vitamins, stop drinking so much?! Why is everything always left up to me?!

This has come up quite a lot during my last few counselling sessions - that I feel that I am in charge all the time and that I am really starting to resent it. How dtd has become a chore that I do not enjoy at all, but that at the same time, I am afraid to let DH know how I feel because I worry that he'll then say that he doesn't want to ttc anymore.
But I do need to find a way to talk to DH, both for my own sanity as well as for our relationship. He most likely has no clue whatsoever about how I feel... But then again, he never asks either Not once since my mc back in May has he asked how I am - but I am very good at pretending that everything is fine!

My counsellor has suggested to, rather than accuse/confront, reach out for his help instead. To explain how alone and scared I feel, and to ask him to help. A technique that is apparently very often used in couples' therapy, and which I believe would actually work - if I can bring myself to stop being all self-sufficient and a control-freak... DH is a lovely guy and always always wants to help, so I'm pretty sure that he would respond.
But I'm struggling with trying to stay calm and composed at the moment, and I worry about losing my cool when I bring up the subject. Especially as AF has just arrived in full force, and I am just a bundle of rage

I think because TTC literally consumes our every waking moment. The frustration of being so close and having our dreams cruelly destroyed that we can't understand why they don't seem to feel how we do?
It is all i can think about!!!!!!

brummie I'm on CD2 so I'm well chilled out - who knows what monster will be unleashed midmonth!

cloud Your counsellor's suggestion seems like a really good one. I don't think you need to worry about losing your cool - even if you do, it might shock him to see how affected you are. My counsellor is really big on this at the moment, not suppressing emotions but accepting that they're all part of the process of grieving. Suppressing doesn't seem to be working for you, so what do you have to lose by letting it go a bit? [she also tells me...]
Maybe try to use a bit more "us" and "we" language - it's something DH says I do a lot, talk about "my miscarriage" or "my pregnancy" rather than "our miscarriage"... I think it makes him feel like I'm not acknowledging how important it is to him as well when I do that, so I'm making a conscious effort to use "we" more often.

Hi ladies,

Glad you're feeling a bit more positive sunbathing. Another tip from counselling/therapy land is to remember to use "I" when talking about how you feel or how someone's behaviour had impacting you....

For example "When you don't ask if I'm okay or how I'm coping I sometimes feel that you don't want me to talk about what's happened and how sad I still feel"

Compared to "you never ask me how I feel anymore, or how I'm coping - it's like you want me to shut up about what's happened and how sad I am".

Option one can help explain the connection between his behaviour and how it effects you. It gives him the chance to see the connection and reflect on What's happening between you. Option two tries to do the same thing but can be experienced as much more blaming and is more likely to turn into an argument, or put him on the defensive!

I'm trying to do more of option 1 and doing okay but it can be hard when the emotions/hormones are in full flow!

I've survived my first week back at work - but I don't feel they got a great deal out of me. Having to walk through antenatal or the ultrasound waiting room has not been fun but bearable. Very wobbly moment at my last appointment of the day when a new teen came to see me, plus mum, plus 2 week old baby brother! Thankfully spotted them before they saw me so I had time to take some deep breaths and pull myself together and into professional mode rather than shouting at the universe for being an utter git .

Since dh is away and im only on cd2 im doing a couple of days of anti-chub dukan hell. I hate it but it is bloody effective. About to sit down to a dinner of chicken and cottage cheese. Fun.