TTC after a MC (I'm really rubbish at thread titles sorry)

[DoctorDonnaNoble]

The Rules...

(1) A lady may only POAS on a Friday.
(2) Friday means the day that everyone calls Friday in the time zone where you spent the night.
(3) Rule (1) does not apply to POA-OPK-S, UNLESS they are being illegitimately used as surrogate HCG detectors, in which case Rule (1) most definitely does apply
(4) Rule (1) does not apply following a BFP because if you want to waste £25 a day POADigiS that's your prerogative
(5) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady is POAS in an attempt to get a BFN to prove she can start DTD with intent
(6) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady wants for unknown reason to pee on an actual stick, like a twig or some such, if that lady is unexpectedly caught short whilst tramping in the forest looking for bears.
(7) These rules (including Rule (1)) are subject to the change at any time if the ladies of the Posifrickentivity thread decide on a whim come up with empirical evidence to prove that it is luckier to POAS on any other day of the week
(8) Violators of Rule (1) shall be subject to fish throwing.

And as a grand finale, why not pledge to NEVER POAS before 14DPO?

Dulcet -so sorry, thinking of you!

I'm not sure the facts in that Stylist article are correct tbh. The doctor at EPU told me my risk of miscarriage is less next time now I've had one. I suppose if you have a second one the risk goes up again as you're more likely to fall into the 1%.

The consultant nurse at EPU also told me that it's a complete myth that stress causes miscarriage. She said that foetuses are hardwired to deal with stress due to the stress of birth.

Interesting that they say you are more likely to miscarry if the man is over 35. My DP is 10 years older than me at 43. Not a lot I can do about that though as I don't want anybody else's baby!

lurker it really said "mature"??? That's as offensive as saying to someone, "well, if you don't tell people in the first trim then you're not excited enough to be having a baby" or something like that. How ridiculous. 12w is an arbitrary time, in days gone past people wouldn't even be sure until they felt the first kicks. We only have 12w because that's about when you go for your first scan (unless you're a repeater). It's not like 11w6 days is super dangerous and 12w1d is fine. ARGH. It's no one else's business, except as you say, immediate family. I don't give a sh*t how my MC makes anyone else feel! (As I said before I feel a bit guilty about my in-laws, parents and nieces having had the excitement then disappointment, but others can go shove it.

thesmallbear I'm in exactly the same boat, DH is 43 and I'm early 30s. I can't help wondering if that has some impact, and the only time I've got really angry with DH is when I mentioned it and he was like "no way, men can have babies into their 70s and that's fine". Nearly hit him.

In terms of the stats after my first the GP said I was less likely since that was my 1 in 4 risk... but I think once you have 2 or more you end up lumped in with those unlucky few who have more than 2, and they skew the stats. You're still statistically very likely to have a healthy baby after 2 mcs, that's why the NHS don't start investigations until 3.

Also re stress, the idea that the stress we have in our lives causes MC is bullsh*t quite frankly. People have babies in refugee camps for goodness sake. I recently read that blaming stress is just another insidious way to blame the mother for the MC and I'm inclined to agree.

charlie - I did wonder that myself even before reading that article. Never mentioned it to DP though. Just because men can have babies into their 70s doesn't necessarily mean their sperm count doesn't change or their fertility isn't affected. I'd like to know Stylist's source for this though as they do seem to have got some of their other facts wrong!

Right need to drag myself off this board and get to the airport. Back late on Sunday.

I'm so sorry to hear your news Dulcet, I kept checking back to see if you had updated. It's devastating when it happens again especially when healthcare professionals tell you it will more than likely be ok next time. You trust them and try to think positive but it breaks your heart when it happens again. Big hugs Xxx

Re 12w rule, I couldn't keep a secret if my life depended on it. I agree with others it makes it seem a taboo subject that is brushed under the rug. We told my mum n MIL about a week after we found out with DD (turned out I was 8w anyway but that's another story) with the first mc I told my friend straight away as I started bleeding about an hour after I got a positive test. She had a mmc before so wanted some support. We didn't tell parents till it was a confirmed mc. The second mc we didn't tell parents, I told my friend again and had nipped into work one day and ended up telling two of the ladies I worked with one who had repeated mc's between children and my boss knew as I had been signed off and she also had a mc before her DD. I felt far more comfortable sharing it with people who had experienced it themselves than my own mother.
This time round I've been pretty lax about who knows. We told parents and DHs brothers (my sis was on holiday so saving it for now) I have talked about it at work to those that knew but haven't stopped my conversation around those that didn't (so think pretty much everyone knows)
So far so good, it looks like I'm going to be one of those woman who spot on and off throughout the first trim and possibly beyond and I clearly get a full on period as breakthrough bleeding too. I feel like I have this big support network who will pick me up if something goes wrong and it makes you realise how common it actually is.

Just typing to see if this posts ok as I can't see any of my own posts from today but charlie has replied to one so not sure what's going on. Unless charlie can read my mind?

Ok, can read that one!

Not wanting to put a downer on anyone but how can it be true that your chance of a random mc is less after having one? That's not how statistics work surely? You still have the same (tiny) chance of winning the lottery this week even if you won it last week. Or is it cleverer than that and your body is actually more receptive to a healthy pregnancy after mc?

Hello Mumsnetting from the airport how sad am I!

I guess if it's one in four pregnancies, you've now had your one in four? Something like that? Maths has never been my strong point tbh. The doc did defenetely say my chance of miscarrying is less next time though.

Oh & the Stylist article said your chance increases after one which doesn't seem to be fitting anyone's logic.

small it would be nice if it worked like that but sadly the 1 in 4 isn't evenly distributed. It is like rolling a dice. Each time you roll it there is a one in six chance of getting a five, regardless of what has come before. Sadly with mc you're more likely to miscarry again as as well as the random chance ones there are ones that are caused by factors that are still there. But if your first mc was random (bad luck) then your chance of it happening again is no higher than anyone else. Problem is we often don't know what caused our first miscarriage.

Ok, don't know why the stupid doc said that then. It's still an 80% chance that things will go ok next time then, which is pretty good odds. Look at me being all positive!

Well if it was random (starts worrying again)!

Probably was, statistically . Even when you're in my position of having three unexplained mcs in a row you have a 70 per cent chance of success next time, which I find hard to grasp but am holding on to the hope

Smallbear the nurse told me that too. That my risk decreased.

Hey Ho.

Big hugs Dulcet. I am so angry for you too. You do deserve your baby.

I so agree with that statement about not telling people makes miscarriage something taboo and that you should hide.

dulcet - so very sorry for your news. Hope the bleeding stops soon and that you can get the support that you need at this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

the small bear hope your holiday suprises you by being more full of good than bad, more light hearted than heavy hearted. Even if you don't feel as holidaytastic as you have on previous trips I hope it's still a time that gives you a break and some good (if bittersweet) memories.

B4rley - huge congratulations. Really hope that it goes okay and that you get reassurance as the pregnancy progresses.

Loving the stats talk on the board! It's a bit of a mind bender isn't it! I still wish we had a barcode somewhere on us that we could can and know the exact percentage likelyhood of stuff for our individual status. But that could be a scary Gattaca type world (if anyone remembers the film?) Holding onto hope is defo important, and focusing on the flip of the stats (that x% of people WILL get pregnant and that in all likelyhood we will be somewhere in that x, but are just not pregnant yet.)

Evening ladies. That article is good but the stats are weird. I've never seen stats that if your risk increases the more you have. I'd be interested to see the source. I don't think that holds true for the majority (caused by random generic abnormalities) and can only assume that the stats are skewed by age (I.e technically I am more likely to miscarry now because I am 1.5 years older than when I first started so my dodgy eggs are dodgier) and the small number of people who are sadly affected by recurrent miscarriage (caused by something other than random genetic abnormalities). And yes, if it's 1 in 4 then it's still 1 in 4 next time, like rolling dice.

Agree that the way we deal with miscarriage means it becomes a shameful taboo. My two (male) bosses know about both of mine and I have an overwhelming feeling that if it doesn't go right next time I'll feel ashamed of 'getting it wrong' again.

So I stupidly just peed on a clearblue digi and bfn OF COURSE. For one, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant now and toe, even if I was, it's potentially 3-8 days early and I didn't use fmu. What a dick. I just want to be pregnant again ladies. It's so hard.

dulcet I'm so very sorry. It just sucks, there is no silver lining. I'm sorry .

I've got my 2 pence re stats from sis plus also Lesley Regan's book. The Cambridge Miscarriage report and the RCOG guidelines state that you are no more likely to have a 2nd miscarriage than you are a first. It's 1 in 4 - so 25%. It's the same for a second as a first.
However once you've had a 2nd, you have a slight increase up to 28% of having a 3rd miscarriage.

Once you have a 3rd miscarriage then you are 48% more likely to have a 4th. Because chances are, if you've had 3 there could be a problem. And that's why you get referred.

You are also statistically more likely to have miscarriages over 35, but still only about 25% so no more than in general.
However the mans age is relevant, once they get over 40 the risk increases.
Well I'm 38 in 5 weeks and DP is 45 so we are stuffed then!!!

I threw all these stats at doc when asking for tests and she reversed them to say "yes but that means you are 75% likely to have a healthy pregnancy "

They all seem to go by Cambridge miscarriage report so I guess those are the stats

Monten I am exactly the same when it comes to nearing the end of the TWW, there's nothing wrong with testing early we all do it, so take comfort in that :). The BFN is always hard to take, even when we know it's too early but sometimes that's just what we need to do. Stay strong, let it all out on here and don't feel ashamed. It does feel like we've 'got it wrong' I agree, but we can't let that become our main way of thinking. Life has been very cruel to us, we need to be kind to ourselves. Big hugs to you.

And bug hugs to you too Dulcet, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know no words can help right now but I'm thinking of you.

That 1 in 4 statistic rings true with me. I was definitely the 1 in 4 - 2 family members, my best friend and I all fell pregnant around the same time (one of the family members is actually a few months further on actually). I was the last to find out and the only one to lose. My cousin showed me her scan picture whilst I was still bleeding, it was in front of my mum and dad too. I haven't told them what happened, I probably would have but my dad said at the time "hey everyone is overtaking you, better hurry up with baby #2!" and he's such a nice person that he'd be so upset if he knew how much that hurt. So now I can't which really cuts because I see my mum every day.

My best friend is currently at the exact point I should be, so I can't see her and haven't since the mc. It would be easier if she was sensitive about it but she talks about nothing but pregnancy symptoms and has done since I told her I was miscarrying, I tried to be normal but after the 3rd time I was in tears for so long after that I've had to have some space. I've never wanted to be that person, mc does make us bitter.

Just been out with my two friends and the ones 4 week old baby. I am so, so jealous.
She knew I wanted a cuddle and let me feed him.
It was lovely but painful. What hurts most is hearing her moan. Blah.

Monten : what Blink said!
Also: just give in to you poas addict and buy loads of ic tests. I have this little ritual of peeling in a disposable shot glass (fluorescent, Pounland numbers. I am a classy chic!) then dipping an ovulation AND a pregnancy test in. Every morning. Sometimes I forget to check the result, but I take comfort somehow in doing this. Then again I haven't done it for 5 days as I thought my period had finally arrived - alas, it was a false alert!

Treacle was it worth seeing her or would it be easier just not to see her at the moment? A friend of mine is due the same week I should be and wants to meet up, but I keep being very non committal, until I can face it. I'm protecting myself.

Waves to all x

mademoiselle I sort of feel like I'll kick myself in the future if I miss out on him being so little. We've been friends such a long time.
It is hard though :(