TTC after a MC (I'm really rubbish at thread titles sorry)

[DoctorDonnaNoble]

The Rules...

(1) A lady may only POAS on a Friday.
(2) Friday means the day that everyone calls Friday in the time zone where you spent the night.
(3) Rule (1) does not apply to POA-OPK-S, UNLESS they are being illegitimately used as surrogate HCG detectors, in which case Rule (1) most definitely does apply
(4) Rule (1) does not apply following a BFP because if you want to waste £25 a day POADigiS that's your prerogative
(5) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady is POAS in an attempt to get a BFN to prove she can start DTD with intent
(6) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady wants for unknown reason to pee on an actual stick, like a twig or some such, if that lady is unexpectedly caught short whilst tramping in the forest looking for bears.
(7) These rules (including Rule (1)) are subject to the change at any time if the ladies of the Posifrickentivity thread decide on a whim come up with empirical evidence to prove that it is luckier to POAS on any other day of the week
(8) Violators of Rule (1) shall be subject to fish throwing.

And as a grand finale, why not pledge to NEVER POAS before 14DPO?

I'd agree that it sucks you in, it's hard to think of anything else!
I've managed to think about it slightly less so far this time, not sure why that is. Perhaps because it was an earlier loss? I don't know!

I need to get a grip, the mc was only 3.5 weeks ago and I'm already manically symptom spotting. Seriously, I've no idea when or if I will even ovulate, if af will appear on time or early.
It's so hard not to keep second guessing everything my body is throwing at me and hoping every niggle could possibly be something!

Oh Brummie, that's so very very shit. Why the hell do three of our babies need to die before anyone will help. Stupid funding. Your sister is probably right - it is a deep deep rabbit hole, however it's a hole that if I don't enter I'll always wonder what's in there and if there's an answer. We've started saving incase we need some form of ivf. It's a horrible position to be in - I was thinking back to those days where sex equalled baby. Simple. It's not fair that we want these babies so very very much and they're so far away but I have faith they are waiting to meet us and I have to hope and believe that one day I will. Sending you massive hugs xx

Brummie I'm so sorry the dr wasn't more helpful. It does make it so much worse when someone else tells you how you feel when you're in confusion over that anyway. It's good that you have your sister to offer some advice, it sounds like she is worried about you. The thing is, with being 'mentally ready' it involves either not caring or pretending to not care - how on earth can anyone be fine and accepting of what has happened to them when it's so traumatic and emotional? I'm not sure what people are looking for as a sign that someone is emotionally ready, I don't think it would be the same from person to person. I guess what you need to think about is how another hurdle would make you feel, if it would cripple you then perhaps you need more time. If it's something you could get past (eventually and with support) then you're probably ready. But then again it's like asking yourself how you would cope with another miscarriage if it were to happen again - none of us want to cope but life moves on and we are dragged along with it's until something hits us along the way to make us feel a bit better. It's not a case of coping because we want to, it's because we don't have a choice. I'd think that anything you can do that is proactive is massively important in becoming emotionally ready.

I might be tempted to try again and, like Sunbathing has suggested, go back to the dr if it hasn't happened in a few months. That way you'd be giving yourself a little longer but also another chance, of course it's easy to believe that it will never happen successfully (I've doubted this for myself since my mc) but it will, it just doesn't seem right that you have to go through so much pain for this to happen. Nor should you have to.

Crying is a good thing, it shows you are strong and that you are dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. It's a sign of strength, please don't think otherwise. I'm so sorry that you are faced with a decision like this, I hope you find a solution which works for you and that you will be happy with. These investigations are like rabbit holes but I think the very fact that we're all on this thread baring our souls to people we've never met (that we know of!) shows that we are desperate for answers.

B4rley I'm with you on that one - I'm impatient but I'm not even sure where my body is up to in this WTF cycle. It's like a form of torture, I just can't wait for this cycle to be over so I can start again.

Just sending HUGS to you all. You're amazing, life is being unkind but you're all thinking so hard, talking to each other on here, and battling through each day and each challenge. Brummie so sorry to hear doc not referring you yet, boozle thank you for making me laugh with the image of you dancing and what might happen... Waves to everyone else, welcome newbies (sorry really bad at scrolling back for names on phone).

Tomorrow I'm taking my pregnancy yoga DVDs to give lend to a pregnant girl at work. It will hurt but at least they'll be used for someone's benefit.

Sleep well (sleep, ha!)

Brummie were u on the march 15 thread?.... Think I remember u :( so sad to meet here.
Sadly when they say 3 mc's they are talking about recorded ones.... So no you can't lie as was suggested.

I fear I may suffer the same. Although my doc has referred me, them taking me on is a different thing. Age is against me (42) so will try again ASAP regardless of ready.

I have had 3, but the first was so early (5 weeks) that I managed it at home....was more like a late period. Regret that now though :(

Can I ask is anyone else taking aspirin?

Sorry to hear your news Brummie. It's hard when we're just about holding it together to have more news that feels like yet another dissapointment and a let down. Can you talk to your DP about your feelings of potentially being a burden? He may well totally understand and not see it that way at all - and reassurance about that could be helpful.

Totally agree with whoever said that TTC in general and specifically after a MC is like going down a rabbit hole. Just so very many options and possibilities - but good science and clear answers can be in short supply. It's so complicated and based on seemingly so many different factors - some of which we can have some control over (like trying to time DTD) and some seemingly no control. We aren't used to this lack of control in our modern lives and it's scary and frustrating and can feel so damn unfair - especially when you've been exposed to the dark side of what can happen when you've lived through a MC.

At the moment I'm just clinging onto trying to do something positive each cycle to contribute to conception and pregnancy (this cycle acupuncture for me, fertilsan-m vitamins for DH). I'm also reminding myself on a regular basis of the many Mums I know who miscarried and went on to conceive and have kids again. They are my talisman - my light in this dark and confusing time. My proof that all this shit is worth it and that what can sometimes feel so far away is possible, does happen and can happen for me to.

Hugs and chocolate cake to all xxx

Hey all. Hope we are all ok today. Thank you so much for all the supportive comments. It really does mean a lot xx

I feel a bit better today. Getting my hair cut tonight and got a wedding on Saturday then me and DP are off to NYC next Friday so lots and lots to look forward to.

I admit though I also emailed a private hospital in Worcester where my sisters boss does his private practice. Whilst he's clinical director of the NHS one he works in, his speciality is early pregnancy and recurrent miscarriage.

I just dropped them an email asking for a quotation for the tests. That may well help me make my decision. If the costs are £500+ I can't justify it. But £200ish seems daft not to.

So will wait and see. I just don't want to fall further and further down that rabbit hole and have it consume my every being.

I could also ask for a 2nd opinion I guess. Me and DP are moving soon, completely out of Bham so I will be under new gp and new hospitals (still in the Midlands) and so maybe another GP will be more sympathetic #clutchingatstraws

Have decided that DH is useless. He keeps burying his head in the sand, he can't even bring himself to use the word miscarriage let alone discuss how he might be feeling (I know he is as devastated as me but...). Sometimes I feel Like I'm totally alone in this. 8 days post MC and I've taken no time off work, barely spoken about it. No one knows about it, feel like I should keep it at deep dark secret.

allthefours is there someone you could confide in and talk about things with? close friend, relative? everyone needs to talk. Xx

sorry to everyone having a tough time
foxtrot and others who feel the same, I agree completely with hating what mc has done to you. It is something I am struggling with. I have never been a jealous or bitter person, but I have found myself feeling both these things towards others since I had my mc. I really really do not like feeling like this.

Allthefours

Really sorry to hear about how it is between you and your DP. It can be really hard when two halfs of a couple cope in different ways. Is there anything from how you've coped with stuff in the past that might help (how has he dealt with dissapointment/grief before? Did anything help him then that might help you connect? It can sometimes feel that we're speaking two different languages and that can be tough when you want and need each other's comfort and help. There are some good men specific info stuff about miscarriage out there. Perhaps if you emailed or printed something out for him and said that you would like him to read it, and if you could talk about it later that might help to open up the communication between you? Or you could write down your thoughts and feelings, and ask him to read it and respond in whatever way he feels he can. It might also be that the level of communication that you are craving might be less than he is able to do right now, but that might change as time passes a bit. It might also be that he is communicating about the loss but in more of a doing way that a speaking way (tackling jobs, doing little things to help you out, trying to stay strong in order to try and be strong for you). Focusing on these things and how he is showing you that he loves you and is grieving too might help you to "hear" him in a different way.

Men and miscarriage leaflet from the miscarrriage association www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp/wp-content/leaflets/Men-and-Miscarriage.pdf

Posts from men's experiences of MC including

www.artofmanliness.com/2013/02/25/how-a-man-handles-a-miscarriage/
www.dadzclub.com/articles/conception/coping-with-miscarriage.ashx

I know you said that you've barely spoken about the MC - could you identify a friend or family member that you could speak to? This board is amazing, but having a real life person to speak to as a release valve does make a difference. Organisations like the miscarriage association also have a helpline Monday to Friday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. to provide support on all aspects of pregnancy loss on 01924 200799. (I don't work for them I promise - I just like their website!)

This is such a tough road to walk - really hoping that you can get the support you need xxx

Thanks for the advice about ectopic a ladies. I really don't know what is going on. My pregnancy tests are getting stronger each day but I an still bleeding. Had first HCG level yesterday and came back at 362.4 which is in range but not very high. Hoping to have second test tomorrow and see what's going on. I just feel something isn't right and the bleeding supports that.

Sorry they won't support your move to the clinic brummie, but hope the tests are reasonably priced.

Sorry you're struggling with DH allthefours, it is something people tend to keep secret but there really is no need. It helps to talk to real people that love you, even so they just understand you are feeling shit. I worked through mine too to take my mind off it but only do that if it's right for you. Take a break if you need it and talk to someone, even if it's just us. You'll feel so many things and that will change daily.

Brummie I hope your quote comes back at a reasonable rate, it's terrible that you're having to pay. I hope you get some answers soon.

allthefours I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time with DH, it's so hard to understand how other people deal with this and I think it's difficult for our other halfs. I know it shouldn't be like that but it so often is, I think because we carried these babies and experienced the physical loss, we (somehow) work through a process which goes in waves of devastation to acceptance and everything inbetween. Perhaps it's not the same for our DH's, I think because they can escape the constant workings of our insides and we can't it might make it slightly easier for them. Coupled with the fact that everyone grieves in different ways it can make our reactions in our situations poles apart. It's so hard and I hope you and your DH are feeling better soon. I think most if us have suffered this at some point, I know my DH and I I are arguing more than we ever have before. If you she someone to talk to then you should, it doesn't have to be a secret and sometimes it helps that people know. I've told someone I work with, not because she is a superior but because she is someone I see everyday. If I'm struggling then it's good to know the someone knows why, if anyone says anything then she can help to smooth things over a bit.

I tested again today, I've been feeling sick all day and although I haven't had my usual pregnancy symptoms I thought that I felt different. BFN of course which has left me feeling so down and awful about myself, we haven't dtd for about 17 days so if we did manage it it would definitely be registering on an hpt. So I'm definitely out this month, it's made me feel so bad and I'm kicking myself for not DTD every other day after those positive OPKs for longer. Even so, according to the OPKs and my app we should have caught it and we haven't, I'm not going to even try tracking next month. I'm currently on cd35.

Does anyone know what sudden lengthening if cycles could be a symptom of? The cycle before my mc was 39 days, 31 before then. I'm usually dead on 29 days but since we decided to ttc again they're just so long. I'm starting to worry about early menopause or pcos.

How many weeks are you Dulcet?
Lowish hcg numbers aren't too much of a cause for concern, it's more the fact they need to double every 48 hours. A slow increase can indicate ectopic.

Just keep an eye on your symptoms and keep in contact with the EPU if you're concerned. X

Going back to work this morning. Only two clients to see this afternoon so at least I've got the morning to acclimatise to being in working mode. Think I'll view it as a success if I can get through my emails, sort out a to do list for next week and remain focused in the client meetings.

Then hen do fri night/sat day. Would rather be with my DH tbh but seeing some friends, many who I've known for 10 years will be good. I texted them about the MC earlier in the week as I didn't want it to become a "thing" and I'm no good at fibbing when asked about what have I been up to recently. I also suspected booze plus grief might lead to it all coming out anyway.

Happy Friday ladies - hope it treats you kindly

tranquil - That would have been at 5+3 I think, I'm at the blood suite now awaiting my second test. Probably won't get results until Monday though.

Hope your day at work hasn't been too upsetting phryn and you've managed to take your mind off things.

Dulcet what colour is your blood? I had 8/9 days of brown bleeding and I say bleeding as I had quite a bit in my pads wouldn't say I filled one but still very much there. I got a scan this morning as my levels were going up but just to make sure. Saw our little blob with a HB and it's just where it's supposed to be. Measuring 6+3 which isn't too far off. As scary as blood is it's not always the end. Still a long way to go but at least much further than the last 2 times.

Lauren - what fabulous news. Still a fair way to go but so positive despite everything you've been through over the last couple of weeks. I'm so happy for you. Keeping everything crossed it continues to stick.

I saw a friend last night and offloaded the news of my latest MC. I wish I hadn't bothered, even though she has experienced a loss herself, I didn't really appreciate the 'at least you know you can get pregnant' and 'wow twice in 3 months' you must be super fertile. Maybe the keeping it a secret isn't such a bad thing after all. Yes I've been pregnant twice in 3 months but I don't have a baby to show for it.

I'm now 9 days post MC. Bleeding has stopped, and pg test today was negative. I've chatted with DH, about how he feels and he is scared about putting me (us) through it all again. I guess after 2 consecutive MC's it does make you scared but then again, what's to say the next one won't stick, and then there is the option of testing if a 3rd one doesn't stick. Part of me wants to wait for next AF, other part wants to actively try. We have decided to not be careful and just enjoy being together.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Here's hoping for a good week for all.

Dulcet - I had a second HCG blood test last Friday and the EPU rang with the results on Saturday. They do run a clinic at the weekends so that did help. Maybe you will get results tomorrow? Fingers crossed for you.

Thats great news Lauren

Allthefours that really wasn't the most helpful thing for your friend to say . We are also trying to be relaxed about trying again, unfortunately it doesn't stop the fact that getting pregnant is on my mind almost constantly!

Hope work was ok Phryn

My EPU ring with results over the weekend too I think Dulcet so hope you get a phone call sooner than Monday.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Allthefours how insensitive :(

That's great news lauren :)

Sorry so many of us are struggling :(

I'm enjoying a glass of wine and a takeaway. I need to chill!

I hope you get your results soon Dulcet, as long as you feel well there is always hope.

My WTF cycle is finally over - despite using 2 types of OPK and DTD as much as possible AF arrived this morning - obviously at the most inappropriate and annoying moment (at work, big meeting, no way out) but I'm happy. I'm onto a new cycle where I can try again. It happening at work was actually a blessing in disguise because I couldn't get upset, I had to get on with it and now I'm home I feel like I've already dealt with it.

So no BFP which is a massive disappointment but WTF is over with for this month. I know my cycle might still be messed up but I think I'll leave the OPKs where they are this month and if it doesn't happen I'll give them another go next time.

allthefours I'm sorry your frien hasn't been more supportive. I have a friend who is the same despite also going through a mc. I people behave in ways you wouldn't expect when it comes to this stuff. People I thought wouldn't have been very supportive actually have and vice verse. I'm certainly re-evaluating some of my friendships lately.

Hope everyone is ok, my plan next week is to have my thyroid checked.

Sorry it's AF and not BFP for you blink. Wishing you lots of luck for the next cycle.

My bloods haven't been done through EPU allthefours and knit, it was just the doctors so not sure the EPU would give it to me. Our EPU only works on GP referral though so maybe not. Will give it a try.

Great news for you lauren, hope it continues being positive! My bleeding is now mainly brown or dark red but I had what I would consider a normal period last week too, just not stopped bleeding since.

What takeaway did you go for treacle? Hope you feel relaxed!

Sorry about AF blink but glad you feel hopeful! It's another chance.