Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

[Ellypoo]

Hoping this thread brings us all luck and hope xxx

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been quiet for a while. Tough few days.... Not sure why. I think the whole ttc thing is a bit difficult. I hadn't realised how desperate I was to be pregnant... And I don't think I am yet (not that I would expect it really on the first try).

I'll try to read back now.

Cheese... I'm so sorry I got Scarlett's name mixed up. Crap of me. I know how important these things are to me, and I should have taken more care....

Thank you Mia'sMummy....xx

Well I'm back to work, don't feel great but fed up with sitting on the sofa, but wished I did. Oh well just get on with it I guess. CD27 today not sure if I feel unwell because of that or because I'm still not better. Not sure, I am really hoping I am pg. Might test monday morning before work so I can arrange stuff at work again.

How you feeling elly any symptoms?

blizy hope you are enjoying the south coast. Enjoy monkey world.

Moomins I hope you can get some housing sorted very quickly! how annoying that the letter went missing! Moving house planned is stressful already never mind having to move at such short notice...

Can't remember who's coming to the Sands Open day tomorrow? was it blizy and angel? how are we going to meet up? Don't have a clue whether there will be a lot of people and wouldn't want to miss you ladies! x
There is another lady from MN coming too, fioled who used to be Caz is coming with her DH and her rainbow boy.

Going to the docs later, feel so rough and tired and everyone keeps saying I look really tired, had enough, I want it sorted!
My vicar said yesterday I should ask for a week off, but not sure whether that is going to help as I will only have more time on my hands to worry about this pregnancy...

Hi fan - am trying sooo hard not to ss!! I desparately don't want to get my hopes up again, and it's still quite early in my cycle (CD22), so trying to put it out of my mind as much as poss until next week - will POAS on 25th if AF not arrived, but we'll see. It sounds promising for you though, what length is your cycle normally? Mine has increased since i had Nancy - used to be bang on 28 days, now sometimes to be around 30 :( I'm sorry you've been so poorly x

Moomins, what a horribly stressful time for you - I hope the Housing Association are able to help you out and that you find something quickly.

blue - I was hoping to make it as I'm at a spa just down the road tonight/tomorrow, but I'm not sure really, will see how I feel tomorrow. Poor you feeling horrid, maybe a couple of days off to rest & chill out may help? Just watching cheesey films etc sometimes does the world of good, although I understand about having time to worry. Could you take a couple of days and see how it makes you feel?

Sorry haven't replied to everyone, but HI ALL!!

Oh remember Caz did she write a blog? I dipped in & out of that thread previously ...
Blue .... We ll be there about 12 ish as I ll need to feed Phebs & meet up with my folks. Do u want to meet before the service or after? Xxx
Hi all.
Love to all xxx

elly I used to have a 32 -34 day cycle now its more like 29-30. So we shall see, I have experienced late AF after illness before, so we shall see. I was nearly sick this morning, like I used to be when pg. Im trying not to think to much about it but it can be hard.

Hi Fan... Sorry you are feeling rough still. We are only one day out on our cycles... AF is due day 28 for me, this Sunday. ( although after Merryn I'm not sure if I'll go back to 28 days or not, just hoping its all still working)! I have tested (just once or twice), and got bfn, so I'm out this month. Good luck to those still in....

Went out with some mum friends today and one of them told me she's 7 wks preg. I'm so happy for her, but so sad for Merryn and me. That group of friends all have little girls and it was hard to keep positive all morning watching them play.

I just want to be pregnant again (still). It's not as it should be. I really hope it happens soon for us. Not knowing if it will happen at all is agony. I finished a blanket last week that I had planned for Merryn. I don't have a baby to give it too, but I needed to do it for her and me. I need a real baby to fill the room and the baby grows and the pram and the new car seat. Merryn already fills my heart and always will, but my arms still ache. This is just so bloody hard isn't it? Is this as good as it gets, or will it get any easier? I spent today pretending to be there, my heart and thoughts were with my girl.

green your post has made me cry, you will have that baby, if not this cycle or the next it will happen. The girls on here are testement that it does happen.

It does get easier, I promise you, Green. It's bloody hard going and a long journey, but when you have your rainbow baby some of the pain is eased. I still have dark days where I just feel so cheated by life, but Maia helps immeasurably. I've had 14 weeks of Maia and that's so much more than I got with Thea. I've laid to rest some of my demons (the ones about whether I can actually carry a baby and deliver her safely) and the others are less prevalent. I still talk to Thea a lot - when I tell M she's my beautiful baby and the best baby in the whole wide world, I usually add 'and so is Thea, I have two beautiful babies and they're both best' just in case Thea's listening.

Angel, I asked for a CS when they told me Thea had died too, but they wouldn't let me either. And like you I'll be having CS with any future babies as well. I don't think I can manage labour without panicking, as Thea died during it. Besides, the sheer speed of CS delivery was amazing - no time to panic because there she was!

If this isn't a symptom then I'm very hormonal but too your post has me is floods of tears also!

green just read your post on matildas blanket thread, and I'm in floods again. Just can't help it. Might not be a sympton though as I can be quite emotional before AF.

Fan, sorry we're all making you cry!

Fathers day....hmmmm.
I'm completely bloody determined that I will make it good for dp, but how the hell I'm going to cope with it I'm not sure. I usually struggle a bit anyway because of my dad having passed when I was young. We are doing it tommorow, (plans on Sunday), and the boys are making pancakes for breakfast and burgers for tea. They decided they would pick some flowers from the garden from them and Merryn. they have drawn pictures and made cards. I know how lucky I am. I really do. I just know how very badly my amazing dp loved his little girl, and that he secretly has always wanted a girl to compete his family. I always thought she would be my gift to him this year.....so the pancakes will be a bit bitter sweet, but they are from our wonderful boys, and we will smile and cry, like most days.

Thank you TOO.... I really need to know things will not always feel so nightmarish. This is too difficult to last indefinitely, I hope. I speak to Merryn too, I didn't think I would, and to be honest I don't really believe in any afterlife, but I still need to have some link to her, and it helps a little. I wish I was religious or something, I can see that would help.

Hello all. Sorry to barge in to your lovely thread, but I just wanted to say a big thank you to Greengoose and Fanjo. I lost my little boy Daniel six weeks ago and I was just reading my blanket thread and recognised your names. I read your lovely posts about Merryn greengoose shortly after I lost Daniel and when I saw your name as the last poster on this thread I thought I'd pop in to say hello and that I'm so touched that you are contributing to the blanket. Your post made me cry too! Knowing that parts of the blanket will have been made by women who have experienced this awful loss really does make it even more special. You've inspired me to learn to knit so that I can do the same for someone else a bit further along the line. Thank you ladies XXX

matilda you are very welcome on this thread, and it is the least I can do to offer some comfort to others who are going through the heartache of the death of their babies. Woolly hugs is an amazing thing, a couple of mums on here have woollyhugs blankets and I know they give them comfort, I hope yours does for you when you receive it.

green dont be sorry Im just a bit emotional! DH has gone to watch the football in the pub, I said I will stay at home, if England, not sure what Im going to be like lol. (hes a scotland supporter by the way and hates England lol)
I talk to Fi sometimes, Im not religious in anyway, but when she was lying in her crib at the hospital and we had decided to say our goodbyes, DH left me alone, and I said to her that I would find a place that was beautiful to spread her ashes, and her atoms would join the ether and make the world beautiful. I do beleive that her atoms are out there making new life.
One year on and I can say for me its easier, its easier in that I carry the grief in a different way now, I still cry for her and have black moments, but alot of the time I can smile about my baby. And talking to DH last night we said that maybe still not being pregnant after a year was a blessing in disguise, we have mourned for her for a year and now I feel totally ready for a baby again, emotionally and physically. Not to say that I wouldnt have been chuffed that beanbag or bungle would have survived, but I think maybe their pregnacies would have been tougher because of all the first anniversaries I would have had to go through.
I guess what I trying to say also is I dont get hit by those trains of grief , that used to hit me so often in the first 9 months. But everyone are different, just go wtih what feels right for you.

that was meant to say if england score!

Blue/angle- I will
Be arriving around 1pm. We are staying in Worcester tonight, so still have to travel up. I'm happy to do whatever you both want?

Matilda- welcome to the thread, I'm so sorry to hear about Daniel.

Fan- hope you are feeling better?

Monkey works was amazing today!

Waves to everyone else, hope you have a good night.

Fan I hope the tears are hormonal

Blizy glad you enjoyed monkey world

Hope all the ladies going to the sands service tomorrow have a wonderful day.

I'm so excited for my best friends wedding tomorrow. Tinged with a little sadness as I remember when we started planning it we were saying how we would have a 9 month old there as well as K. K is super excited to be bridesmaid especially as the ceremony is on board HMS Warrior

wtw have a great time tomorrow, wow HMS warrior, great place. Hope the weathers good!

Not sure yet what time we'll be arriving, so maybe it's easiest to meet up after the service?
Looking forward to it!
Had quite a tough emotional day today...
Doctor didn't really pick up on my emotional state, even though I sat crying in her office and didn't give me any time off :(

blue I wouldn't be happy about that, go and see another doctor. Are you consultant led in this pregnancy? Can they sign you off? If not go in on monday to work and see if you can reduce hours or have a least one day off a week? When I was pg with fi I used up a lot of leave that I would lose during mat leave to having a day off a week. It really helped. Get some rest this weekend, put work out of you mind. Are u still sleeping on the sofa?

Blue- I agree with fan, I would see another doctor. I think we will be leaving soon after the service ( we have to drive back to Glasgow) but it would still be nice go meet you.

The thing is with our surgery if you want an appointment on the day you don't get doctor of your choice, so I got a FY2 doctor, she clearly wasn't trained enough in having empathy... I told her about Sterre and that it is her birthday next week, but she clearly didn't get it, as she asked a few minutes later if this was my first pregnancy? obviously not...
I am consultant led yes, but won't see her again until my 20 week scan on 3rd of July.
I can self-certify myself, so might do that... I had already asked Wednesday off because that's Sterre's birthday.
No longer sleeping on sofa no, managed to stay in our bed with DH for the past 2 or 3 nights, if he does start to snore and I get irritated I move to the guest bed.

blizy will see if we can arrive around 1pm as well! I was planning on going to the war memorial dedication in the morning in the village (as part of my job) but can't be bothered to be honest.

blue self certify then when its been a week go into doctors and tell them you need more if you do. Be forceful with them.