Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

[Ellypoo]

Hoping this thread brings us all luck and hope xxx

wtw ahhh I think Dr Davis would have been my consultant last time. Was he really nice? If you think he's good then when I fall pg maybe its ok to go with him.

He was fabulous today - really thorough and reassuring. Apparently I met him briefly the day after Erin died as he came and advised us to have a post mortem. I don't remember him though!

wtw youve made me feel abit better about my care for next time. Im so glad he is looking after you, and you are getting those steriod injections. Hows the name hunt going, has the list changed? Did you get the washing done? Theres nothing nicer than a line full of baby clothes.

poppet how did it go today?

Cant believe the gold medal tally today, just saw Hoy and the boys get gold amazing. Also got a very clear positive on the old ov test, so maybe Hoy is at top of the list! dont think so horrible name

Well as predicted we survived! The neonatal team really are so good (when we were in hospital with E, the consultant basically spent the whole time crying with us...). As we thought, our little girl was perfect until the bleeding started - which makes us both very and very . The pm confirmed that she had no chance of survival beyond a few days with such massive injury.
The one shock was that the pm/histiology pointed at potential vasa previa - we knew about the velamentous cord but no one had mentioned vp to us - there is also the issue of the complete placental abruption... Our obstetric review is next week and maybe we'll be able to find out more then. Of course it doesn't change the outcome (if only), it's just that if it WAS vp then that's a big thing for us to deal with, as it's diagnosable if the right scans are done. I DID have late scans at 32 and 38 weeks but it wasn't picked up/looked for... so we're not quite sure how well we'd deal with it. At the very least it would take longer to process.
Next week we'll have more discussions about trying again and risks of recurrence - depending on whether we find out for certain about what actually happened. Today was mostly about our little girl.
For now we are chilling with a Vietnamese takeaway and the swimming on the telly - we're all talked out...

whatevertheweather excellent news re getting such good care - really so glad. You're soooo nearly there!
elly great news re house and (I can't scroll back sorry) I think you also said you were going back to the GP - you will get there... we all will. Also good luck to you whenever ov happens and fan stop reading this and get on with it!!!
angel have a lovely hol.
blizy thank you for your message earlier, hope you are doing well today x

Love to everyone else too, sorry if I've missed anyone xxx

poppet I hope you get some more answers next week, those things are always hard to deal with and process all the information. I found more what's ifs were brought up for me weeks afterwards.

we will get on with it, when he's comes back from training, always prefer to in bed at night so I can keep the little swimmers in there

Kleine glad you got some answers but sounds like a few more questions raised too. Miasmum also had an undiagnosed vasa previa with Mia i think but doesn't have it this time. I remember that all talked out feeling. Take it easy xx

Fan you should definitely push for a hospital consultant. I've found the midwives/sonographers at the hospital seem to take more care if you say you are xyz's patient. No closer on names!! Actually a little concerned that she will end up nameless for a few days! Didn't do the washing - got caught up in the Olympics then fell asleep K was at gym camp today and will be tomorrow too so will get them done then

whatever glad today has been a good day for you.

kleine whatever is right, Mia was born safely despite me having an undiagnosed vasa previa. It is a very rare condition though, and only one of the medical staff had ever seen it... and like you, I had extra scans at 32 and 36 weeks for a suspected placenta pre via, but it is very hard for sonographers to see. But at least it isn't genetic, so it means that any future pgs are not more likely than normal to have the same problem.

fan very much liking the whole Olympic swi association - makes me smile each time I read an update!! I am hoping that the excitement will have a great result for you...

elly great news on the house!

angel enjoy Paris, it will be magical.

Sorry for not name-checking further, but feeling a little zonked out after two full days at the Olympic village, coupled with long travel times on top of that. It is both weird and refreshing just to be another volunteer, and not to be a grieving mother - I wouldn't say it feels normal, more that this is an entirely separate experience... Mia is always with me.

Kleine- well done on getting through today, I remember how hard and exhausting my consultation was. My placenta had failed to mature properly which caused Zoe to die. We also foun out the meeting that she has Downs syndrome. I hope you get the answers you need next week.

Mia- mucho respect to you volunteering, it must be knackering!

Fan- is it wrong that I am cheering on your Dh's swim team?

SWI for us will start at the weekend (although I'm not sure, as we are waiting on an appointment for Dh semen analysis, he has to abstain from sex for 5 days before it)

Thanks all. Miasmummy goodness that must have been scary - I'm so glad that Mia was born safely... which just makes me all the more sad for you now - but if you are anything like me, and it sounds very much like you might be, you are able to feel simultaneously incredibly sad and massively grateful for the time you had with your daughter.
Yes in some senses vasa previa would be 'good' news but we'd still need to explain the abruption as well. Quite worried about DH - being a doctor, he just had such a strong reaction to it, as something that could have been prevented. We shall see what happens.
We actually feel rather glad that it wasn't brought up sooner - I suspect that the pattern of grief that you fall into during the early days has a huge influence on how you feel and grieve later on - and 'anger' has not been our primary emotion up till now. So, we can think about E simply with love, not a big ball of twisted 'why didn't they diagnose it' fury in our hearts, and we hope that will continue.
Hopefully that makes sense...

Have a good day all x

miasmum Im so jealous of you and your volunteering, what a story to tell you LO when they are grown that you were there. How is it going?

blizy if you want to be DH's swimmers cheer team then go ahead. I did say to him last night about gold medal swimmers.

poppet makes perfect sense, I like to think of Fi as our golden child, our first born, our forever baby. I think it is healthy to think that way, to think of her with love and not always loss and regret. Obviously doesnt mean that we dont feel this, but talking about her with love aswell I have found has helped. We talk about her often, about what she would have been like. I try very hard not to think about what if's, they dont help. You cant go back and change things, and if you did what could you change? I think the emotion I fight the most is failure, I feel that sometimes I have failed being a mother, I failed to keep her safe. I know it was an accident, nobody could have known she had a knot in her cord, but I cant help feel sometimes like this.

Ive had a pretty good rest of the week, I think this is because I am ovulating at the moment and I do believe we feel our best at this time, we are our most attractive, feel good about ourselves. Though I did shed a tear earlier reading about 3girlies daughter Flora who died of a brain tumor, all this heartache is hard to bear sometimes, got the old crochet hook again to crochet some squares.

angel very at your hols, have a great time, I hope Phebs loves Mickey and Minnie and you get some pics for her when she older. Have a great time your little family deserve it.

waves at everyone else [waves]

I'm at my Inlaws in the NE, (we get the ferry to Amsterdam on Monday), so can't be on MN as much as usual... but thinking about you all!

fAN... I'm now so addicted to to the Olympics that I even enjoyed the woman's basketball last night, can't believe we lost! Hope the combination of OV and Olympic fever works for you this month!!! Glad the rest of the week was a wee bit easier on you.

POPPET... Those meetings are hard, but it sounds like you have such loving and cherished memories of E, and that will endure now. I can see why your DH struggled if he's Doc, even as a father my DH stepped into the role of protector and fixer while Merryn was in NICU, I think they feel so helpless in their fight to protect their families, and medical knowledge will compound this for him.

BLIZY... Hope the appt doesn't interrupt your plans for the WE, could you move the appt back a couple of days if it's on the wrong days?

MIA'S... I'm so inspired by what you are doing, and able to do. I can't imagine being able to want to be 'out there' so much ( I'd worry I'd fall apart), but you are doing it with your girl in your heart. She should be so proud of her mummy.

WTW, I'm glad you are being looked after by someone you trust. Is it a week now? I hope it's going kindly for you. Nearly there now...

ELLY, woopee on the house sale!! I think it's possitive that youre being referred for coucelling ( sounds like a good doctor), lots of ladies here and on other thread find it v helpful.

Well I'm having a confusing time. I'm now CD19 and two days ago I had (tmi) browny discharge that lasted for two days. I thought I was having a stupid cycle, as also crampy and bloaty. But now it's stopped, so I've wondered about IB, but it's too early really, so I'm kidding myself. I hate hate hate ttc. It's turning me into an obsessive wreck, and I don't know that's it's helping me cope with loosing Merryn. I can't stop though, I'm consumed by the process and the cycle. I feel so totally selfish, I have two DSs, why can't I leave it at that? So the tww is on..... You lot are so brave, I hope I can be as strong as you. Some days this feels like a cliff edge I'm walking.

Oh green lots of love to you. I'm not quite in your position of early days ttc yet, but will be soon and as I've said before I do already have an inkling of how it will be... Thinking of you x

fan such lovely words about Ophelia. The failure thing... well, we all know that we didn't really fail, that there was nothing we could do - but equally we can't stop our thoughts and feelings, can we? Just have to keep acknowledging them and working through them however we can, I suppose.

DH is using our Olympics tickets today - I can't face it (the noise, the crowds - no way) so he's going with a friend. miasmum I echo what green said: volunteering there is such a huge achievement.
Me, watching the sports on the TV and waiting for a friend to come over, he's a very good friend so will probably be lots of talking and crying - nice to have male friends I can share with as well as lovely ladies (both in RL and here!). Love to all Xxx

fan surely with gold medal swimmers you would have to call a baby Phelps? :D

Hello everyone, so many holidays and appointments, wishing everyone well.

I am on the clearblue trial, my consent forms came through today. Exciting times! Is it a clearblue fertility monitor they send us to use? My periods came back about 6 weeks after Dex was born, and I had been expressing for a fortnight. There have only been three cycles since, but they look so normal. Temperature rise and fall, CM progressing as expected, regular and predictable so far. After years of no periods at all I am kind of in shock! Would be good to have something to monitor if I am ovulating. I am using the cheap amazon pee sticks and haven't had anything at all yet, but I have heard they are a bit unreliable and it is easy to miss the surge, even testing twice a day. Any one any thoughts?

quiettiger congratulations on your news, and I am sorry to hear about Samantha.

Curled up with a tummy upset and the Olympic Showjumping. I am enjoying one of these!

I'm back :)

Had a lovely but very tiring time in Belgium visiting family! E loved it on the plane!
I had lovely squidgy newborn cuddles with my gorgeous adorable godson!
My sister hasn't been having an easy time, and I feel quite sad now living so far away! :(

Baby Blue is doing fine! Lots of kicks and squirms, specially when I was cuddling my godson :)
She must have been jealous!
Can't quite believe that in about 15 weeks I'll have a squidgy newborn again to cuddle... and she's going to have loads of cuddles!

how is everyone doing?
will catch up later! x

mecha I use those and normally I get a line during ovulation, except last month. But that month I didn't leave my sample to cool to near room temp. I found they work better then. What times of day are testing?

fan I tend to test midmorning and early evening, over about 5 days. Though I haven't been leaving my sample to cool, may have to try next month! Next month will be exciting. The first month we are actually allowed to try, so the gloves will be coming off! So to speak ;) Desperately hoping for the best, but fully expecting it to take years again. Trying not to get my hopes up too high.

Blue Glad you had a good holiday, and babyblue is kicking and squirmy!

Watching the showjumping today, It is exciting and nervewracking! Right on the edge of my seat!

mecha I found that testing between 2pm and 5pm to be the best time. 2pm being the best of all, but I have had results this cycle through testing around 4.30pm when I get in from work. Fx for this cycle.

mecha just to add to what fan said - I have a cbfm (I do presume that's what they'll send you...) and found it really useful for a while. I forget the details right now - fuzzy head today - but I think it checks both LH and oestrogen so it means you know in advance that your body is preparing to ov. So it would be v useful for information-gathering for you. I never used just ov sticks myself so can't comment on them, but I think that the cbfm adds an extra dimension to checking what's going on IYSWIM.
Regular periods sound so promising and I so hope that you will soon discover that you're ovulating too!! Excited for you and reeeeally will be hoping for a quick BFP.
(Btw after using my cbfm for about a year I stopped - by then I knew the other signs of my cycle pretty well too, and I'd started to find the cbfm stressful. (And ta-da, we conceived about three months later!) So just to say do stop using it if you get stressed out...)

Blue really glad all is well with you x

Hope the cbfm does the trick mecha

Sorry you're finding it stressful green I'm not surprised. It's a lot to cope with on top of grieving for Merryn xx

Glad you're back safe blue and that baby is nice and wriggly Sorry your sisters having a hard time; it's not nice when family are far away. My dsis lives in Canada so only see them every few years.

Waves fan glad you're feeling more positive

Loving your Olympic journal Miasmum what a fab experience! How are you feeling?

Had a lovely day at Paultons Park/Peppa Pig World today - shattered now though!! Its K's favourite place in the world, we're lucky to live so close. Baby must have spun outwards again as I'm back to feeling huge kicks and movements which is so much more reassuring 10 days left!!

Whatever we must live close, I am near Peppa Pig world too!

This is my first month of ttc - exciting but so sad as well, I wasn't intending to have any more I was so happy with my little family.

xxxx

well after feeling quite positive i feel a little down now. Just got back from a christening, and found ti quite hard to be around all those babies, with them being the limelight. Im not religious but I used to go to church as a child so its very easy for me to say Amen and the lords prayer when prompted. But after saying a few of the lines I stopped, and I could not carry on. I kept thinking I shouldnt be here in this church saying these things I really dont believe in, so I was tight lipped through the rest of the service. I looked at DH and he was the same. It is hard to feel happy. I just kept thinking Fi should have been there.

I dont have much confidence this month that we did enough to get pg. Now officially in the tww, be testing firday week I guess.

hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Fan, it must have been so hard. (((hugs))) for you. I have everything crossed for you this month.

Oh fan but you never know what might happen... I had a tricky evening last night too. Went to a wedding and met up with a lovely group of people whom we haven't seen since last July, where they are fell in love with Mia, especially two pg ladies. It was really hard going in, knowing that they had their babies and I didn't... But they were kind and generous, and allowed us to speak of Mia, while also recognising the emotional challenges of this pg.

Sorry I'm not engaging much in other conversations - on phone, and also full on with my Olympic work. Really fun but often random - sourcing uniforms, driving in the Olympic lanes, and helping the athletes collect free headphones from rather rude PR people... Tuesday is the team's big day, and have to there for 7am right until the evening, assuming they do well... Fingers crossed!

Oh fan that does sound really tough. I think there are always going to be situations that bite us on the bum ((hugs)) Hope the weekends Olympic successes have lifted your spirits a little xx

Twinkle yes we must be close! Whereabouts are you? I live in f/ham

Whatever I live about 10 minutes from it, Southampton! xxx