Mums of angels! wishing, carrying and holding rainbows.

[fanjodisfunction]

May this thread bring us luck and lots of support through the journey of life after the death of our little ones.

Totally understand green.

Blizy lovely to have you back How's things been?

Green I can only echo the other ladies wise words. Slowly you will start to come through the fog and life will have meaning again. I think for me it was about 3-4 months after. I distinctly remember thinking 'I can't carry on living and being this sad' it was like I had had enough of carrying the deep deep sadness everywhere. I'm not saying I don't still miss her terribly and I still have days where it hits me really hard and I feel back to square 1 but those days are now outweighed by better days. I still find though nearly 9 months on the I struggle to 'lose' myself in anything like a part of my mind is always with Erin and what happened. As for when to try again - only you know my love. It's hard for me to comment as we weren't actually trying - it was a complete surprise and to be honest knocked both of us for 6 to begin with. I still have days where I think it was too soon but more days where I am so so grateful it happened how and when it did not least because K has now been an only child for 5 yrs and is desperate for a living sibling. Whenever it happens in 3 months or 3 years it will be hard and emotional but you will get through it xx

August good to see you lovely You all settled in the new house now? Are you mentalling as much as me?! Am movement obsessed!

Miasmummy what day is your scan next week?

Those ladies who have their rainbow babies - when did you work until this time? I've just done my form and have said I will work until 6th August when I'll be 36 weeks. C-section is planned for the following week (unless anything changes nearer the time of course) Am I mad to only have a week off before? My reasoning is that it will keep me distracted and I'll have more time off after.....I was still working the day Erin was born at 35 weeks and physically felt fine.

Whatever I did exactly that. I worked up to 36 weeks , the 7 th October, it was Georgie's birthday the 10 th , so knew I wasn t working that day then went in for my section on the 18 th Oct. I had 1 week , 1 day off work before my section & most of that week was taken up by hospital appts, scans etc... However, I still ended up metalling & staying in hospital from the Fri night the weekend before to Sun night. Then went home for Monday , back in at 6 am the Tuesday.
I would have worked the last week had it not been Georgies birthday & for my appts... I was better at work. My hubby worked the day before my section ( ad only had 2 weeks leave so wanted to start it as late as poss) so my sister & brother came up after I'd been to the hospital for my appr ( tracer) we went out for lunch then watched a DVD . That helped a lot then we had to be up & out by 5 am so before I knew it was in hospital!!!
It helped me as no way was I sitting at home worrying when I could be at work ; distracted etc.. Xxx
Greengoose one of the hardest things I had to appreciate was men grieve differently to women.. My DH didn t talk about Georgie half as much as I did/do even now. This used to drive me mad and make me think he doesn t care but as my counsellor said men just grieve differently... He finds it too hard to talk about her whereas I love talking about her ( was telling a student midwife at work today about Georgie & my experience of stillbirth) ... Like you we ve been together a while (13 years) but I always knew we'd come through it as I always reasoned the last thing our Georgie would have wanted was her mum & dad to spilt up. Men are so different to us... I would keep asking Ant the same questions in the early days " why us?" , " why our Georgie?", " what had we done to deserve this?" etc... He would repeatingly tell me he didn t have the answers...
My dad cut all out bushes back in our garden for something practical to do...
Ultimately loosing our Georgie as bought us closer together as if we can survive this we can survive anything.... Loosing a baby certainly puts e wry thing in to perspective... ( I don t have a go at him at half the things I used to... I m far more chilled attitude!!)
Take care what you re experiencing is so, so hard... As we say 1 day at a time or even 1 hour..... You can make it out the other side. It's a bloody hard , horrible slog but unfortunately it boils down to 2 choices : you either build a life for yourselves again with Merryn with you always or give up on life.
Take care of each other xxxxx

Excuse spelling mistakes : crappy phone!!!

Hi wtw yes, a lot more settled now in the house thx
I'm probably not the right person to ask about maternity leave - I basically chickened out of going back to work at all - I'd just left for maternity leave, at the start of the school holidays, last year at 34 weeks and Jacob died the next week. I haven't even been back to the office to see anyone! I just can't. I can be quite shy which doesn't help. I think you should do what feels right for you, and if you feel fine physically then there's no reason not to work as long as you can. I can see how it would keep your mind off worrying a bit and I have to say I do miss having that focus.
Are you moving soon then ? Dont remember if you said?
Oh fan I was sorry to hear about Spatz by the way
Hi blizy welcome back.

Thanks girls, it's good to be back .

green I am sorry that you are also on this horrid journey. I can only echo the others, the early days are just awful but you will start to see the light through the darkness again. Merryn is such a beautiful name.

My dd Zoe was stillborn at 41 weeks 28th feb 2011, It took me around 3/4 months before I was smiling (and meaning it) again. It does get easier I promise you that. We will never, ever forget our precious babies and they folow us wherever we go.

My dh is the same with his feelings, I know it's hard feeling like you are the only one still grieving. Men just show it in a diffrent way, I think they stay strong for our benefit.
I hope today is easy on you.

big waves to mias, angel - how is Phebs? August

fan Alfie is very cheeky and into everything!

wtw I am doing ok thanks, Alfie is keeping me busy. Congrats on your little girl btw!

I love you lot already. Thank you. I am going to try to be brave today and do the afternoon school run again later. It's a nice day so there will be lots of people there and I can get it over with.

I think you are all right about men coping differently, my FIL, bless him, was there for the whole time in London, and then travelled back to Devon with us for the first week after, and he spent it repainting the skirtings in Merryns room. It drove me mad he was in there, but I think he just needed to do something for her. I have through this learned to be much more tolerant of differences... And my I laws have earned a 'get out of gaol free' card for life because of how great they were.

BLIZY, hi! Thank you for telling me about Zoe.
Did you say up thread (sorry if it wasn't you, hormonal memory crapness), that you have bought a fertility monitor? I have one of those that I plan on using the month we get the all clear from our consultant.... Although hopefully yours will have given you bfp by then!

Green- yeah I bought a fertility monitor, just waiting on it arriving and my af showing up before I use it. I have been ttc for just over a year now, such a shock as we conceived Zoe on our first try. We began ttc 3 months after we lost Zoe, there is no right or wrong time to start ttc.

Hi Blizy glad you re enjoying Alfie..Phebs is great , thanks for asking... Settled in really well at nursery , eating like a trooper, nearly sitting up. She changed all the time & it s wonderful to see.
An absolute angel we re so lucky to have her she is appreciated so much after Georgie & I so hope you all get your much deserved rainbow babies.
Hope everyones enjoying the sun? I ve had my first day off having started my reduced hours this week. Been busy ; cleaning, packing ( off to parents house straight after work tomorrow for the weekend)& generally spoiling my Phebs. Love it.
Love to all xxx
How are you today greengoose? xxx

Doing ok... Well not really (I've just got used to saying it, but I can be honest with you lot!) Chickened out of school run, and I was so hopeful this morning. I haven't even made it out into the sun today, which isn't good. I have spent a lot of time looking at photos of Merryn. Because of the rush we didn't have bags or a camera, so all photos taken on phone. I wish they were better. I don't know if it's ok to frame one. She had tubes and a respirator and things, but she still looks beautiful to me...

I wish my DP didn't work from home, if he wasn't here I'd have to just get on with life, but he's kind of doing it all. I need to start to function a bit better than this.

My 4yr old asked what has happened to Merryn. I don't know how to explain cremation. He's so scared already that his brother will die too. He said to me that he made a wish that he liked babies, because then Merryn wouldn't be dead, and mummy would be happy again. He also said that he knows his brother preferred Merryn and wishes he was dead. It broke my heart.

Green- I am a childminder and went back to work 6 weeks after losing Zoe ( in hindsight this was too early). I was chucked in the deep end doing the school runs, I was petrified of being out alone without Dh. But I did it, after the first week it was fine. If anything it was the thought of it that was harder than the practical side. Sorry I don't know if this makes an sense.

I have no advice about your children as Zoe was my first child. I'm sure some of the others will be in to give you some advice.

Blizy, I completely agree its the thought.... I just need to screw up my courage a bit!
Re the fertility monitor... I've just read the instructions.... It might just be my brains addled, but it looks quite complicated! I am going to try to resist using it this cycle, it'll just tempt me and it's way way to soon.. but I like having a gadget to focus my thoughts!

Ha ha in the same I like my gadgets.

Oh green I just want to scoop you up and hug you. The early days are so tough. Your ds will have lots of questions just answer as honestly as you can. Someone suggested The Lion King for K to watch as it deals a little with after death. She still has questions and seeks a lot of reassurance about this baby but largely she seems to have come through it remarkably well. She totally accepts what happened and knows firmly that Erin is and always will be her little sister. It touches me to see my wee 5 yr old correcting grown adults when they say - 'how lovely Katie you're going to be a big sister' she always says 'I already am a big sister' As for framing a picture whatever feels right for you. I have Erin's name written in sand from here printed on canvas up in our living room and one photo of K and E together (the one on my profile)

August I'm not moving I meant baby movements

I'm melting in this heat!! Trying to sort last minute bits for my friends hen do at the weekend. I've organised it all and am scared it'll be a disaster - and I can't drink the lovely champagne

Thanks WTW, you made me smile!
We went to the beach after school today and after we had played for a bit we chose some shells and stones and drove up to Merryns place on the river and threw them in for her so she had been included. The wild horses have foaled now and they watched us as the sun went bright red behind the trees. It was peaceful and lovely, and I had the first little glimpse of how it might feel ok to go there. My older boy sat by the river on his own for a while, and said when I went back for him that he thought she was everywhere now, and he liked the idea of that... I have been so worried we did the wrong thing, but I think the boys will always have that as a special place in their life. I hope so.

Ah wtw I see! Think I misread it as you asked about the house... :)

Hello all!

Blizy, it's great to see you back! Hope your fertility monitor arrives soon.

Wtw, I too booked to work to 36 weeks but flaked out and went off sick at 34. I just couldn't cope physically or emotionally any more. Was having strong, regular BH and SPD was terrible. A few days sleeping lots, not sitting at a desk or dealing with a tropically overheated office and I felt so much better. So don't feel like you have to keep going if your body is telling you to stop.

Your older children cope so wonderfully. My heart goes out to them all.

DH has been struggling a lot recently - is back on the anti-depressants and signed off work at the moment. There's a lot more going on there than just Thea and Maia, tbh. M's a delight, but all the tests she had to have for jaundice and the kidney thing were v traumatic and upset him a lot. I'm sure he suffers from SAD too - he's much happier when it's sunny. I think neither of us had quite realised how stressful the pg was.

Morning girls, sorry haven't been online much, having a bit of a down period thinking about Grace. Over the last week I have heard the song we had at her service 3 times. We had the wanted and gold forever (I know its abit dancy but the words seemed right). So been looking in her memory box last night to look at her photos and I can't believe how much rose looks like her.

I know my other kids did have a rough time also when we lost Grace and we spoke to there teachers and they were fantastic at helping them cope with the situation. My eldest who was 11 at the time wrote this poem and it always makes me cry.

 	                    Grace

From the tip of your toes
To the top of your head
May you lay down
And rest your sweet head
May you have a nice life
In the clouds above
And your love will always
Stay with us.

Love my angel x

Too- I'm glad Maia is doing well. Your poor Dh, hope he feels better soon.

Shakey- that poem is so beautiful, brought a wee tear to my eye. Hope you are well.

hi everyone! we had a lovely warm holiday in North Wales, DD1 loved playing on the beach and we had a great time... although I keep worrying about movements... I know it's way too early to feel definite movements (I'm 15 weeks tomorrow) I'm still freaked out sometimes... two more weeks before my 16 ( well 17 week scan)...

shakey thats poem is beautiful

blue glad you had a good holiday, loving the photos on FB.

too I hope you DH starts to feel better soon.

Im off to Clapham tonight, DH is doing a night bike ride for the british heart foundation, hes riding from Clapham to Brighton. Im dropping him and his two friends off in Clapham at 12 and then driving to Brighton to pick them up. So Im going to be by myself in the car from about 12 till about 4am. Not sure where the pick up place is going to be so I think the pier is going to be the spot I tell them Im picking them up from. So Im packing a pack lunch or should that be midnight feast. I have my blackberry to surf Mumsnet all night, Im taking a book, first aid kit, torch, cant think of anything else, oh a map book. Im going to be knackered tomorrow. Shame its not the Jubilee weekend!

Hope everyone else is enjoying the sunshine!

fan hope the bike ride went ok for your Dh and you weren't waiting too long for him.

blue glad you had a lovely holiday

I think I'm about ready to join this thread if you'll have me?

I lost DS2 at 35 weeks At the end of April after a routine appointment coldn't find his heartbeat. DS2 was born on 22 April and we called him Thomas Ian. He was cremated at a private ceremony with just me and DH on 27 April. DS1 is 2.2 and we have just moved to what was supposed to be our big new family home on the outskirts of Brussels. It currently feels very empty without Thomas.

So, I am now on maternity leave for the next 15 weeks and am keeping myself busy with DIY and decorating at the new house. I had my follow up appoitnment with my gnaecologist last week and was given the all clear to start ttc again. We also got the post mortem reaults and, as expected, they found now realsn for Thomas' death except for some lood clots in the placenta. However, my gynaecologist thinks these were probably the result not the cause of Thomas' death.

Anyway, DH and I have decided to go ahead and ttc again, as we both feel a big space in our lives where Thomas should be. I think I had my first period after Thomas' birth 2 weeks ago, so hopefully things are all ok. I've always conceived fairl quickly before (3 pregnancies cnceied within 2 months, first one was mmc at 13 weeks), so I guess we're both hoping it'll be the same this time.

Sorry for the essay! Hope I can follow this hugely emotional and stressful journey with you all. I'm still shocked that so many people have to go through this heartbreak.

Gah, sorry for all the typos. Stupid iPad keypad.

Hi Amyboo, so sorry to hear about little Thomas. I hope your ttc journey is a short one. The girls here will offer you plenty pf advice and hand holding when you need it.

Fan- I hope Dh bike ride went well.

Hi blue!

I had a call from the nurse, I have to make an app to get me results back, so I'm looking at another week at least!. I'm out this month too, af has arrived.

I hope you are all enjoying this lovely weather.