Mums of angels! wishing, carrying and holding rainbows.

[fanjodisfunction]

May this thread bring us luck and lots of support through the journey of life after the death of our little ones.

Whatevertheweather... Glad the scan went well...!

Can I ask something a bit yucky.....I've just got my first period after having Merryn.... And it's incredibly heavy and clotty (sorry if tmi). I didn't bleed very much after I had her but it was a csection (my first), don't know if that matters, it's just I've never had a period like this..... And I worry at everything nowadays.

green clotty is normal, so don't worry. I didn't have a c-section, so not sure that way, but don't worry about the clots. Periods do change after pregnancy.

Thanks FAN, I'm just a paranoid about any health thing now. Never used to be...

Appleseed as the other ladies have said there is no way to speed up the grieving process. The sad reality is if you fall pregnant soon after a loss you will be dealing with still fairly intense grieving as well as all the emotions associated with a new pregnancy. It is not an easy time at all. I'm now 25 weeks and I see this pregnancy as 'a means to an end' I can't have what I so desperately want unless I endure the pregnancy. That said I am still able to take massive pleasure in her kicks and movements and do allow myself to get a bit excited about her arrival. It's just that every overwhelming piece of love I feel for the new baby is tinged with the terror that she too will be taken from us. It can also be conflicting - sometimes I feel it was too soon - we lost Erin end of August and I got bfp beginning of January but in all honesty I think I would always have felt conflicted whether 3 months or 3 years had passed. I still miss Erin dreadfully and cry a lot of tears for what we have lost. You are right it is a brave thing to be pregnant after loss - but you take it one day at a time and we will hold your hand along the way.

Greengoose - totally normal to be very clotty the first period after my second one was much more back to how it used to be.

Miasmum is your 12 week scan next week? How are you feeling?

Fan how are you and DH doing today? xx

How are you getting on Orion? How many weeks are you now?

Thanks again for earlier ladies - honestly I was a mess in the waiting room. I shouldn't have gone alone - I just thought I'd be okay but I just kept imagining what would I do if there was something wrong and I was all on my own. Sonographer made me laugh though - she saw that I was on fortnightly scans and thought it was because I was having twins Had a thought on names - what do you think of Holly Elizabeth? Those who I'm friends with on Fb - the girls all have dp's surname beginning with H - is it too much together??

Waves to all - hope everyone is well xx Special wave to Blizy - just in case you're reading. Miss you x

wtw we are doing ok, do feel like I have the worst luck in the world but heyho. Going to see if I can find the lady with the kittens at work today and see if I can have two, fx. I think I'm due good news, I hope it comes in the order of, two kittens, new job, BFP! But I doubt it.

Waves to everyone

wtw maybe Holly, is a bit of a mouth full. Do you have a favourite name at the moment?

wtw didn't mean to sound dissmissive anout the name Holly, it is a lovely name, just not sure on alliteration. But it does go with Katie and Erin.

I'm getting the two kittens from the same litter. Yay!

What a lovely day, out watering all the flowers.

count how are you doing? Any sign of AF? Did they say when it might come or is it just a waiting game. I hope it comes soon so that you can get the two cycles out of the way.

Im having the AF from hell at the moment, really need want chocolate but really cant as still on slimming world and really need to lose some more weight.

Fan don't worry I was a bit about the alliteration too but love it as a name. Dp really likes it and K came out of school today having drawn a picture of her, Erin and new baby Holly!! You definitely are due some good luck my friend xxx

Hope everyone has enjoyed this gorgeous weather. I'm busy trying to do last minute planning for my best friends hen do at the weekend!

wtw actually just thought of Holly Hunter one of my favourite actresses. So alliteration can work. Actually as you know my name is two CC but thats through marriage.

Hi Appleseed - so sorry that you lost your Angel but I do hope being here and sharing will help as it has for so many and reading the success stories also is good!
WTW - so happy the scan went well, although we were here cyber hand holding a RL person should be the way to go next time just for the support!!!! Gold star - for being so brave!
Fan - how you doing! Really sorry again about Spatz!

Fan - no sign of AF here it can be anything from 4-6 weeks so still time!
Yes you are due some well deserved good news and you will get it soon!
WTW - I like the name very royal sounding!
Greengoose - as others have said the first AF will be quite full on so sounds like that right, although awful! Keep an eye and if it lasts longer which is also normal maybe speak to your Gp but I'm sure all will
Be well.

you and me both count

whatever so glad about the positive news on your scan!! And I love the name you suggested - alliteration in names is supposed to be quite powerful, I seem to remember reading somewhere ( for fan and her super-power name!)

My scan is next week, feeling nervous... Basically, just trying not to get too excited, as there is still so far to go. Very worried about the nuchal scan and my age. I just keep thinking that I really hope that Mia is looking out for her little sibling. But my mother insists on asking me how I am and if my tummy is starting to show, every time we speak, which is every couple of days. (It is a little, but I lost all the remaining baby weight, plus more after Mia died, so I can still fit into more clothes than I did before I was pregnant with her.) Still, it is so frustrating when I have specifically said I don't want to be asked... I don't think my mother has any concept of how nervous I am, and the pressure of family expectations. She has always felt that she has the right to enquire about any aspect of my life(!), and yet somehow believes that she isn't intruding! In fact, right now, I almost regret telling them all, which makes me feel guilty. I think I am going to have to say something again, but not sure I can deliver it tactfully.

Does this get to the stage where life is worthwhile again? I can't see a way through just now, just keeping going for my two boys... I haven't even got up today to spend any time with them. I'm not sure how long I can stand being in this much pain. I really miss her today, so much my chest hurts. I can't believe my body thinks its time to carry on. I feel like such a bitch thinking about another baby... I just want Merryn really. I'm starting to believe this is my life now and I'm really scared. Do I just pretend from now on, is that all there is?

Sorry... Crap day.

Greengoose yes, life will be worthwhile again and also yes, in some ways you will just have to pretend I still feel guilty for wanting another baby and I'm 29 wks pg... I think we all feel like we're leaving our babies behind and it's not something a mother should ever have to have to feel.

Sorry you're having a crap day, I hope tomorrow's better.

Hi ladies, can I come back please?

So sad to see lots of new faces here.

mias Thats a bit of a tough situ, could you get dh to speak to your mum? Hope you are ok.

I hope all the little rainbows and bumps are thriving and well.

I have been to the doctor and had CD21 bloods taken - just waiting (nervously) on the results, should have them by Friday. I have also baought a fertility monitor from ebay (£15 bargain!). I am joining fan and angel with the wieght loss and I'm doing quite well (so far). The main thing is I am feeling a bit more positive and I know I will get a BFP it's just the matter of when................

I really missed you all and hope you are doing well.x

blizy lovely to see you back, and with such a positive attitude. Sending you and everyone here wonderful BFP vibes!!

greengoose I also remember asking this question. It seemed impossible at the time. Right now, you are existing, and that is all you can do. But yes, I can honestly say that life slowly has enjoyment and meaning again. Not all the time, perhaps not as much - and it isn't easy, and you may feel guilty the first time you smile again. But I promise you, that while you are changed forever, somehow, you manage. It is seven months tonight that my world shattered, and I am still shocked at this turn in my life. But I am here. And my love for Mia strengthens every day, as it is a part of me.

Blizy welcome back... Xxxc come join our " slimmies" club!!!
Greengoose you will feel better slowly, very slowly... Take your time... We all remember the first dark, dark days and we ve survived..., you will get there taking Merryn with you.1 step at a time xxx
Love to all xxxx
Lovely weather way too hot for work think I ll have tomorrow off!!!

Thanks ladies... The best thing is hearing you all talk so optimistically about trying again, and I guess the return of my period is a step in the right direction, even if it feels too soon just now.

I watched the three episodes of great ormond street on iplayer today, and the first two were full of surgeons and staff from merryns time there. My DH doesn't understand how I could watch it, but it kind of made me feel closer to her to see those people and places.... It was horrible but it was where she was and the people were really special. It was good to see some extremely ill kids make it too, kind of let me know she did have a chance and we did the right thing trying for her.

My DH is coping completely differently to me.... To be honest he is coping and I'm not. I will have to work hard to keep us working as a team on this or we could drift. I wish I was more like him and could put things in boxes emotionally, but I can't. It still feels like a tidal wave that crashes and then withdraws without warning. I still want to spend all day thinking about Merryn, which he can't cope with, quite understandably.

Hope you all managed to enjoy some sunshine today?!?

blizy Yayyyyyyy so glad your back Ive missed you! And well done on the weight loss. Hows Alfie cat?

green I didnt feel totally ok with swi untill about six months after Fi's death, but I still tried and Im glad I did. Its such a mixture of emotions, it feels like you are forgetting your baby and then you remember everything. Its so confusing. One year on its much easier to carry the grief and to swi. I feel like the grief is part of me now, not running my life like it was this time last year. I can think of Fi now with out crying, without it controling the rest of the day, where I would end up in bed not wanting to carry on. I still miss her so much, but in a funny way I am glad that I have not had a baby in the past year, Im not sure how I personally would have handled it. Maybe it was meant to be. I do feel I could handle pregnancy better now that a year has past.
I do desperatly want to be pregnant, but its not a constant thought in my head, I think I was using the one year anniversary as a marker that I had to beat, I had to get pg before a year had past and now I realised that maybe thats not the way to go. But that doesnt mean I would have changed last year, of course I would have wanted Beanbag or Bungle to have lived and to become my rainbow baby.
I feel now in a much better place in my body, I dont feel a failure anymore, I know its not my fault what has happened, last year I felt like such a failure.

I think your body is only knowing now what your mind has known for a while that Merryn is not here, your hormones are settling down and sometimes that feels horrible, it makes you feel like you are leaving her behind, but you also want it to happen as you want to have another baby.
Be gentle with yourself, let your emotions take over, its normal and understandable to feel the way you are.
I hope this post makes sense.

green Ive just read your last post and wanted to say, still talk to your DH about Merryn, dont not just because he deals with his grief differently. All men do, but mine has told me that he has to be strong for me, he told me alot of this last year. I have told him that it is fine for him to have off days.
I felt like I was drifting from DH sometimes, as I would be crying for along time and he never did, but alot of this is because as women are are emotional. Maybe thats something to say to him, aslo to say that your body is missing her, its supposed to be nurturing her, feeding her but it isnt.
I guess as with most men he feels he has to be strong and not show so much emotion

Thanks FAN... You've made a lot of sense. I do really appreciate that DH is 'doing' when I'm not... I think I have a tendency to let him though, which isn't good. He's gone out with a friend last night and again tonight, which I'm fine with, but I could never do. We just handle it differently. I'm also jealous that he has said he talks to his friends about Merryn. We find it very difficult to talk together about her, I don't know why.

green Im sorry to hear that, it is hard to know what to say sometimes. My DH used to go out on the razz because he needed to feel numb, to make it all feel less real.
Have not one of your friends mentioned Merryn?

fan... He'll only be out for the one... He doesn't really drink! I didn't mean I mind him going out, I don't, and it's the first time in memory he's been out two nights in a row.... I just meant I wish we were still as close as we were in the first days of this. We are strong though ( been together 19yrs)! I think the problem is more that I have withdrawn...

I have some friends who are being great, and others not so (not that predictable which are great I've found). Again it's more that I can't really make myself see them much. I'm managing about one a week. Not so good. Their lives all seem so perfect, and I don't know how to fit anymore.