Mums of angels! wishing, carrying and holding rainbows.

[fanjodisfunction]

May this thread bring us luck and lots of support through the journey of life after the death of our little ones.

greengoose I can only begin to imagine how difficult today was for you. Of course you are angry. Life is incredibly unfair. But please, don't blame yourself. Our bodies are just plain unpredictable, as trite and silly as that sounds.

Thanks FAN and MIASMUMMY, I just miss her I think. I hope tommorows not so awful, I can't have too many days like this.

green you are still so early in your grief, it's only natural to be missing your little Merryn profoundly. However, it is totally exhausting too. I hope you find some peace in your dreams tonight - I found mindless novels and trash tv a good way to have some momentary relief.

I second that miasmum, I watched so much complete rubbish last summer, but it was the only thing I could stomach, things with happy endings and mindless drivel. Couldn't stomach anything too real, my life was far to real enough.

green I know this is not want you want to hear, but it does get easier to carry this grief, it is still there but you will be able to function without that train of grief hitting every 5 mins.
I miss Fi every minute, she's the first thing I think of and the last before I sleep. I don't think that will ever change and I wouldn't want it to. The way I get by is to think how lucky I was, it might sound weird but I had a baby, she didn't survive but she was mine, and she was beautiful. She was the perfect mix of me and DH. And that is lucky, I was lucky to carry her, to get pregnant at all, to have her with practically no medical help. We were lucky to hold her, to give her a funeral that was fitting, and to find a place that is just hers to spread her ashes. We are lucky we have pictures of our beautiful girl!

green do you have a memory box for Merryn?

Hiya

Hope you don't mind me posting and hope you don't find it inappropriate but I have a question and not sure who else to ask?.I have/had 3 little boys. They are 4 and under. My middle little boy recently died. I was never intending to have any more, was so so happy with what I had, but now I can't get the thought out of my head. I am used to 3, I want to have 3 with me - not to replace him but to replace the dynamic that our family lost. I have reservations though.

So, my question is, do you think that there is an appropriate waiting time before trying again? If I tried now, the baby would be born before the 1st anniversary. I am not sure if this will be too much for me to handle I am barely coping as it is.

Also (and I hope I don't offend anyone) do you have thoughts that you would prefer the baby to be the same sex as the one that you lost, as that is what you are 'meant' to have. I am scared that if I do end up pregnant and have a girl I will be sad because I will never have 3 little boys again, and if its a boy I will be sad because it isn't the right 3 little boys. I am sure this is irrational as I love my children for themselves and one can never take the place of another.

I also feel a little flicker of excitement at the thought of starting again, which also makes me sad because I feel like I am just belittling his little life and how important he was to me.

It is such a hard situation to be in isn't it. I am sure many of my family and friends would think I am 'over it' if I have another baby, but I am never going to be able to come to terms with the fact that he is not by my side.

Thank you for listening. I hope this is all ok to ask, I don't know anyone in real life who has to live through this.

xxx

twinkle so sorry for your loss. I lost my little girl Grace at 20 Weeks pg and had already got used to having.that fourth child. When we lost her it was like there was this huge hole not just inside me but in the family dynamics. We decided to.try again only a couple of months after losing her.

We know Grace would never be replaced and we never wanted to. I now have my rainbow baby rose who was born a month before graces birthday.

Having a baby after a loss is hard and brings up stop many conflicting emotions. For me was the worry of losing again, the guilt of being able to carry rose and have her to take home and not being to do that for Grace.

As for what to think when we found out we were having.another girl was mixed again. In one way was do happy was.going to get another little princess but then sad because she reminds me of what e were missing.

When rise arrived though I realised she is her own person and wether boy or girl she is amazing.

I still think of.Grace every morning and before I go to bed and still miss her.

Not sure I worded that right and on phone.so sorry about any.spellings . You can only do what's right for you.

Hi twinkle I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your wee boy.
My son died very suddenly the day before Christmas Eve last year. He was five.
I have an older daughter who's seven and I'm pregnant again.

I really didn't expect it to happen so quickly and I'll be honest, the early days are a bit of a blur, but my baby will be born just 10 months after my son died.
I don't know if the timing is appropriate or if it might've been better to wait but I just had a strong need to have a positive focus for our whole family. I can't express enough that this baby. Will never replace my precious boy but I hope that it can help us to recover from the terrible grief we are now in the middle of.

I think I would like another boy some days but others, I feel like another girl would be easier to handle emotionally.

I don't think that it's an easy decision to make but I hope you have some time to think about what you'd like to do.

Hi twinkle - I'm sorry you have had to join us here, but welcome. I have found huge support from the ladies on this thread who have also experienced the absolute heartache of losing their babies/children. What happened to your little boy, if you don't mind me asking?

We lost our daughter Constance on New Years Eve 2011 when she was just 2 days old, she had been deprived of oxygen due to blood clots in the placenta and was really poorly, but we feel lucky that we were able to have those 2 days with her that we could very easily not have had.

Of course having another baby would never replace your little boy. Constance was our first child, and I am absolutely desparate to get pregnant again and have a second child, not to replace her, that's impossible, but because I feel so empty without my child here with me.

twinkle welcome to the thread, but so sorry you find yourself here. And so sorry to hear about your boy.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn at 36 weeks 13 months ago, we have also experienced two early miscarriages since.
Fi was our first child, and I so long for a baby to add to our lives.
I hope you find support here, these ladies are wonderful, non judging with such words of wisdom and just knowing what you are going through. This thread is the place where we can discuss our angels without the worried or scared faces, we can discuss our need for a rainbow with out the gasps or the oh I'm glad you are moving on comments.
This thread seams to produce rainbows who are the same gender as their older angel siblings, very strange. I sometimes wish for a girl when I have my next baby, but sometimes I also think if I had a boy would I miss out?, everything is so bitter sweet.

Hi

Thanks for all your replies. Elly we are not sure what happened to him, we literally put him to bed with nothing wrong and when we checked on him he had died. The pm couldn't find a cause so we await an inquest. If they can't find anything it will be classed as sudden infant death syndrome, but because he was just over 3 and way over the age range it will just be known as sudden unexpected death in childhood.

The more I think about it the more I feel like Orion said, that it can be a positive focus for us. My youngest boy is only 9 months old, but there was only a 20 month age gap between my oldest so I am used to having 2 really young ones. There is now a 4 year age gap between the ones I have left which seems really big to me now that the middle one has gone, and we kind of think that if we could give our younger child a sibling at least the gap wont feel so large for him, although nothing we can do for the older one now and he seems very alone. It also seems so quiet, I was used to them running around and playing together, I suppose I just want that back as well.

I am sorry to hear of your losses, I can't believe this has actually happened - its a comfort to find others are going through the same. I just struggle to cope without him.

x

Sorry, that was meant to say its a comfort to find others that are going through the same - I feel very alone with it all. x

Twinkle so sorry for your loss. My first born DD ( after 2 MCs) was stillborn at 41 weeks in October 2010. Georgie. My second daughter: Phoebe was born a year & a week after Georgie. I desperatly wanted a girl again as I couldn t see how a boy would remind of Georgie in any way. Though Phebs is a wonderful person in her own right her looks are the same as Georgie & in some ways that's a great comfort.
You have to do whatever is right for you & your family. No one knows unless they've been through it. If you feel the times right ; go for it!!! Xxxx
greengoose xxxx you re not to blame . Truely awful stuff happens & unfortunately to us. Life is so terribly unfair , I often see people gliding through life without a care in the world. Or whinging about triva or crap ... You did nothing wrong. Nothing to be gained from beating yourself up mentally!!!( though we all do/ did it) I was distraught when I found out Georgie died from E-Coli , even more so as I m a nurse & should have known. However, it wasn t even detected by the consultant so how was I to know as a patient at the time?
I have many regrets ; why didn t she come on her due date etc...? However , I came to accept she just wasn t ready , it's all just a horrible fluke that resulted in the worst outcome.
However, on the other hand I view the situation like Fan I m so grateful I carried & had my Georgie. She touched so many people in different ways , raised £1500 for the delivery suite & educated a lot of folks. I'd ( obviously) still rather she was here but she achieved such a lot in such a short period of time.
Take care. Grieving is so mentally draining.surround yourself with good family & friends they're worth their weight in gold at this time... I also watched lots of DVDs... All my favourites , couldn t read as I couldn t concentrate but lots of crap on tv. Xxxc
Hi all. Love to all xxxx
Busy, busy, busy here... Thank god it's nearly the weekend xxxx

Mel, what's happening re mucus plug? Have you had any labour signs? Hope all is well.

Greengoose, it is really easy to say don't blame yourself, but it is not your fault. You can't help what your body does, it's not within your control. Losing a baby is like a serious illness - patients have to deal with the fact that their body has "betrayed" them, iyswim. I think that's one of the hardest things to come to terms with. It's like a cancer patient blaming themselves for getting cancer - it's not fair or rational. Doesn't mean we don't do it, though. Merryn's death wasn't your fault!

Twinkle, your story is heartbreaking. It's my biggest fear. My first daughter Thea was stillborn at 41+3 last March, and my second, Maia, was born 4 days before Thea's first birthday. I too felt the overwhelming urge to have another baby as soon as I could. I felt incomplete and although M is not a replacement, she has laid some ghosts to rest (fear of being unable to have a living baby being the main one). I think that if you and DH feel the need for another baby then you should go for it. They are such a comfort.

Fan, am about to try uploading a pic just for you! Hope Spatz is doing better.

Pic is a bit blurry, grr! Will take some more later and try again.

too loving her boots! shes a cutie.
Spatz is ok its still touch and go really, took him to the vet again this evening and was told he is still poorly. He has moments where hes truly a little kitten and then others where he just sits there. Ive got him tucked up in my cleavage, (dh is very jealous) he just needs lots of tender loving care. We take it in shifts to look after him, DH has been off all week, so has done most of it been up all night with him, feeding him with a syringe.
But well hes our little kitty and we need to make sure we have done all we can for him. I so hope he is ok, I want to see what kind of a cat he grows into, and also we are getting another little cat in 5 weeks time. And if Spatz doestn make it we might change our minds.

Twinkle...I'm so sorry that your little boy died, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. From how I feel myself and how I know many mums here feel, it's absolutely normal to want to try again soon. I think anything you feel is ok, and the ladies here are a huge support....
My baby girl Merryn died when she was 6 days old a month ago. The thought of trying for another baby was fairly immediate. I think at the time I thought holding another baby and feeding her might lessen the pain, but a month on I think it might actually make my grief more raw, with all the reminders of the times I will never have with Merryn. I still want to have another baby.... I need to try to have a baby brother or sister for my four yr old, and I want Merryn to be at the centre of my children rather than the full stop.... It's too painful like that, so in some ways I still think another baby will lessen the pain, the pain of what has happened to my family, not the pain of missing Merryn.

We are off to visit BIL and family for the weekend.... We have not seen them since Merryn died. It's going to be a difficult time. They have a gorgeous little girl, and I'm torn between outright envy and excitement over getting a cuddle from her.... I still smile at babies, the smiles tend to get a bit soggy though...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'll be offline till Monday.. So take care.

Fan.... Sounds like SPATZ is in great hands.... I hope he's getting stronger? Xx

grrr I probably just pissed off upset my mum. It's my grandmother's birthday today (dad's mum) and they're visiting this afternoon so she asked me whether I could let them know I'm pregnant as it would be a nice surprise! That is after her telling my other set of grandparents last week I'm pregnant without me actually saying it was allright for her to say so as I wanted to do it myself!
I have told people I'm close to, but just don't feel ready yet to tell everyone out there... Just scared things might go wrong again...

looking forward to our midweek holiday on Monday! :)

fan hope Spatz will feel better soon!

hi, first post in this section.
firstly im so sorry for each one of you and your sad losses, its shocking to see so many names on here
i admire you hugely to have the courage to ttc again
i hope i will have the strength
you really inspire me

we lost our much wanted and dearly loved baby boy in march due to hypo plastic left heart syndrome.

we are planning on ttc starting next month,

i think i'm going to avoid cleaning products and only have plant cleaning products on the house and avoid as many chemicals as possible, with avoiding certain diy jobs

try and eat as much organic food as possible

just trying to think of ways to be as healthy as possible, certainly for the first half of the pregnancy

i know i'm going to be an anxious mess.

my gp has put me on high strength folic acid, and i'm just trying to think of anything i can do to aviod this happening again or anything else happening.

tryingmummy so sorry to hear about your little boy. My daughter Ophelia was stillborn 13 months ago due to a knot in her cord. We have since miscarried twice. I understand the need to get pg as soon as possible and to do it as healthy as possible. I am currently doing slimming world and also taking pregnacare vitamins. My husband also takes the wellman vitamins. I hope this thread gives you the support that it has given me

Well AF still hasn't arrived, which is annoying. Also Spatz isn't doing very well at the moment, he's a bit pale and has been laying on me all day. I'm not sure he's going to make it through the night.

Hi all Back from a wonderful holiday, lots of swimming, playing and family time. No big rides at Alton Towers for me though!! Keep stressing about movements a lot though, had my first big teary meltdown while we were away as I hadn't felt her for a few hours. I hope the next 12 weeks pass quickly and uneventfully!!

Fan so sorry to hear Spatz is so poorly I really hope he pulls through, sounds like you and dh are doing a fabulous job looking after him. As for no AF - when did you expect it? Any chance you could have got pg straight away??

Blue you are right to tell people whenever you feel comfortable. Sorry your mum has been stealing your thunder. I hope you had a nice day for your granny's birthday.

Twinkle and Sadbuttrying sorry you've found yourselves here. I echo what all the other ladies have said. It would seem it is entirely normal to want to be pregnant again soon after loss. I am now nearly 25 weeks pg after losing my daughter Erin at 35 weeks last August. It is both hopeful and terrifying.

Miasmummy how are you? When is your 12 week scan?

How are you feeling Orion and August are you mentalling about movements as much as me?!

Waves to all - sorry for quick post - ought to be helping unpack!! Hope everyone is well xxx

fanso sorry to hear that Spatz is struggling. Keep us posted.x

hi to everyone else, I'm just about it sit down and eat some revels. That usually ensures some movement whatever. No big kicks yet but still fluttering and yes I'm a bit mental about movements too!

wtw glad you had such a good time. I hope these 12 weeks go quickly for you too. And for you orion.

Spatz is really poorly now, he's just laying there DH has just forced some liquidised food down him, but we are setting ourselves up for him not being around for much longer. Its just a waiting game to see if he improves later tonight, I truly hope so, but I really can't see it happeneing. This morning it looked so good, he had lots to eat, went to the loo but since then he's gone drastically down hill. This sucks!
It happened to my much loved ferret 5 years ago, and well its brought it back to me, had to have him put to sleep and well I couldn't face being there when they did it, and that haunts me.
Its just such a shame as he's so young.

wtw just did some counting and well if I count from the first spotting then I'm due tomorrow or monday, if not and I should count from the first proper bleed then its more like thursday friday. Didn't realise it hadn't been that long as it feels like an age.

Fan xxxx for Spatz... I was there when my gorgeous cat : Scottie was put to sleep last June. I always said I couldn t be there but in the end I had to...... Xxx
Welcome & sorry Trying xxxx
As you ve read we ve all suffered horrific losses on here & come or are coming through the other side slowly.....
My DD firstborn was stillborn in Oct 2010 at 41 weeks : Georgie. My darling second born was born in Oct 2011: Phoebe.( 2 MCs prior to loosing Georgie) .
We re here to listen & support.
Blue in 1 ear out the other , don t stress ... Xxx
Whatever glad you had a good time. We re off to Drayton Manor with family next week . I can t wait as first time we ve been to a theme park in the last 4 years and I ve not been trying to get pg or pg. I can actually go on the rides & experience the thrills again... Teacups for Phebs though...
Hi all; love to all xxxx