Mums of angels! wishing, carrying and holding rainbows.

[fanjodisfunction]

May this thread bring us luck and lots of support through the journey of life after the death of our little ones.

Greengoose, I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. Merryn is such a beautiful name. Your story is heartbreaking. My first baby Thea was stillborn in March 2011 at 41+3 and I am lucky enough to have a second daughter, Maia, who is now 8 weeks old. This thread contains a sad but brave and strong little band of women - we're here to hold your hand as much as you need. I wish you the best of luck with ttc.

Count, sometimes it feels like the tears will never end. You are still so close in time to the shock - it's probably only just starting to sink in. I hope you have plenty of RL help while you are so fragile.

Blue, hurray for your scan and a little wriggly bean!

Fan, a new kitten! Sweet! I wonder how Blizy is getting on with hers.

Spilt, wow, the bravery of giving up work! I bet it's lovely being a proper SAHM (ie, not on mat leave), but it must be weird taking that leap.

Wtw, hope Sunday and 24 weeks comes quickly. And the headstone coming too - when Thea's was delivered and set up it felt good, like we had been able to do something for her. It's so hard not to be able to do anything for our babies.

Maia had to have a scan today to check the function of her dodgy kidney and it was v traumatic. The nurses couldn't find a vein to inject the tracer into, so they stabbed her poor little hand and foot before giving up and finding a doctor to do it instead and she howled and little tears ran down her face. We get the results on the 25th so FX.

Hope everyone else is well - hugs to all!

Hi ladies.... It's so heartbreaking reading all your stories.... I can't quite believe this happens and I pass people in the street every day who carry this much pain. Can people see it on us do you think?

I've still only seen three close RL friends, I have chickened out of the school run so far, although the school has been amazing, ( they sent a letter to all parents so we wouldn't have to explain and so our boys would be supported, and they offered a cooking circle for us, and also a gardening team.... It's a very small school so we all know each other). I'll try and face it later this week maybe...

We set up a just giving site in merryns name for GOSH, and it's just yesterday gone over the £1000 mark. Many people I hardly know have contributed, I'm so hugely pleased we can give a little bit back, they were amazing.

Augustmoon.... I'm glad you don't mind me mentioning I have a Jacob.... How strange you thought that.....! I don't know any others apart from yours and mine, so I will think of your little Jacob often now!

Whatevertheweather..... I looked at your photos, Erin is quite gorgeous isn't she? Is that her sister under the blanket?

I thought the blankets would be a smaller simpler affair... What a lot of work! I can't believe how kind people are...

I've had a slightly better day today... Mainly because of the sunshine.... Who knows what tommorow will bring eh?

greengoose I coudnt look any one in the face for a long time, couldnt go anywhere with out DH. In the end it got better, but the worst was when I went back to work, I eneded up having a break down on the way and cried the whole time I was there. Its so hard to function properly in the first few weeks, even months I dont think I felt fully back to some kind of normality untill near christmas a whole seven months after Ophelia was born.

Just take it one day at a time, maybe see if you can go with some one else to school, it may stop people from being to in your face. It is so amazing how some people can be so generous and caring, and also you do get the uncaring ones too.

Ive been thinking of you and Merryn all day since reading your post, such a heartbreaking story. All our babies have such beautiful names that we shall never get to shout out that their tea is ready, or call them in from play.

Fan... I've been feeling really guilty about Merryn's name... We spent such a long time debating it, and it's so special for us, but I've been a bit angry that we won't get to use it. Does that sound terrible? Its not that i grudge her it....It's almost too painful for me that I love her name so much, it's like it almost makes it more real... I'm not explaining very well am I?
I'm not angry with Merryn, I'm just angry....it's not fair though is it? I should be saying it all the time, my friends should be saying it all the time, but I've already noticed some avoid saying it, why is that? Why would they think I don't want to hear her name said out loud?

Orion never apologise for a rant on here! Well justified I think. I feel so much more protective over this pregnancy and earlier on every time someone found out I just kept thinking 'oh great someone else I'm going to have to tell when it all goes wrong'. Now it's so obvious I get strangers asking me and it's hard still. I'm sorry your aunt has been so thoughtless. I don't think anyone truly understands unless they've been there.

Fan you are so right - so many beautiful names that should be used a hundred times a day.

Good to hear from you Too Poor Maia that must have been so hard to watch Fx for the 25th that every is fine. You are right it will be nice to feel we are doing something for Erin especially as i keep feeling it's all about the new baby at the moment.

Green yes that's my wonderful dd1 Katie She's just turned 5 and she has no idea how she's kept me going the last 8 months. Thank you for your kind words about Erin, I think she was/is adorable but I'm biased! The blankets are a-mazing! I was astounded at the size and weight of it when Knotty delivered it. I still marvel over each square. As for school - do what you feel able to. K started reception just 2 days after Erin's funeral and I forced myself to take her as I didn't want to miss her first day at school. Bloody hard though. Remember not only have you had a massive emotional trauma you were very poorly yourself - how are you physically recovering?

Just had an email from Boots Parenting Club 'Your baby is now 8 months old and starting to explore finger foods'. I unsubscribed to all of these last year but in the last few weeks I've had boots, NCT and bounty all email me 'milestone updates'. It's just not on and it seems to be a common problem a few months after unsubscribing

I understand totally greengoose Ophelia was my favourtie name since I was 13 and I got DH to agree to call our first girl this. We didnt know what we were having so when I was in labour, and this is the first time I am saying this (I thought it was a boy and remember saying to myself I wished it was so I could call the baby after my grandad and when I heard DH say her name it made me cry more. I will never be able to use that name again.
It is an angry time, I would say that to DH all the time, its so unfair why do all these other mothers who drink and eat the wrong things have a baby and I dont! DH would tell me of, now we say we were lucky to have Ophelia in our lives, and maybe that sounds strange to hear but we were lucky, we had a little girl and she was perfect but she didnt survive. She will always be my little girl and Merryn will always be yours.

People who do not have an angel baby, or have not been around someone who does, never know what to say, we got loads of you'll try again though wont you? like that is going to make it better, and then after a couple of weeks they all seam to forget. I still have very dark days and get down especially at work and one woman there is always sayign to me 'cheer up it might never happen' and I want to scream at her 'dont you think it already did you insensitive bitch'!

Nobody knows really what to say which make them say the most insensitive and inappropriate things. Now I just grin and bare it, but inside I am still screaming.

I found it hard to use her name also but in the end it comes natural to me, we talk about her all the time and make jokes about her too, it might seam strange but thats how me and DH cope. If you mention Merryn more it might make your friend say her name more.

Green and Fan I felt the same about Erin's name. I love it so so much (maybe even an incy bit more than K's ) I felt sad at first but now I always think K and any subsequent children will have so much in their lives but Erin will always get to have her mummies favourite name. She doesn't have much but she has a beautiful name that I love to say and in my more 'woo' moments (I don't have many!) I wonder if that's why we didn't think of it for K. It was a name always destined for her, it means 'Peace'.

Spilt lucky you leaving your job... xx
Count my notes read the same as yours!!: 6 pregnancies ; 1 live birth,1 stillbirth, 2 MCs &2 CP.... Its so sad...
Well, in a state of shock: lost 1.5 lbs tonight at SW so well happy although I ve been good think it's the walking home from nursery that helps ( it's about 1.5 miles!!)
Love to all xxx

I feel the same about Jude's name. I always knew I'd call a boy Jude, ever since I was at school. I still love to hear it. People should always say the names of our precious children.

Whatevertheweather, thanks for asking.... I'm getting there, it was a bit scary for a while, but bloods are ok now I think, I have a docs apt tommorow to check again. Mirror syndromes terrifying, my body mimicked what was happening to Merryn, so I kind of started to fail in my organs, and it took them a while to sort it, then they got my notes mixed up and discharged me in error.... So they chased me for the rest of the time in London, but I refused to go back because I wanted to be with Merryn. It was difficult though, because I didn't want to risk my boys and DH loosing me too. Once Merryn was delivered I did start to recover though.... She kind of saved me by being born too soon. I feel guilty about not being able to save her too. She should have still been tucked up inside until next Wednesday, she might have been strong enough then.

Ohhhhh here I go again the tears just won't stop!
I never got to name the ones that have gone to soon!
I will never know if they were going to look like daddy or mummy and call them by their names!!!!!!
1 rainbow - here for short time I see a smile after the rain and when the sun comes out! There you are never to be seen for long!
1 angel- here for 13 weeks in my belly but I smile just to know how strong angel made me!
1 Star - 7 weeks in my belly and it's only at the dead of night that when I can't sleep I look up in the sky and see my Star!

count it sounds to me as though your babies do have their own beautiful names and personalities, through your comments about them.

I love Mia's full name, hence my MN name choice... Like others here, I am also sad that it can only ever be used in the past, even if my love for her will always be part of my everyday life. It still shocks me that she is gone. She was SO alive, so noisy, so interested in her world. So in love with her.

Ladies, do you remember me talking about little Tia who was born without a diaphagm? Well as I've been on holiday I missed the news that she died. Poor little thing, sending her parents my thoughts.

Been away for a while, trying to take a step back from the pressure of TTC.
So sorry that you are here with us greengoose - Merryn is such a beautiful name, it is just so heartbreaking. People who haven't been through what we have, have got very little/no understanding of how it feels and do often say the wrong thing - however, I have also experienced people actively avoiding DH and me since we lost Constance, and I would much prefer people to say 'I don't know what to say' than to avoid me. It is also hard when people don't acknowledge her/what happened - I hate that, because she was very real. I think the hardest part for me is when people just got back to normal - I still don't know what normal is, and struggle to get through each day, even though on the surface I seem to be getting by ok. I guess it's just a case of slowly finding a new sense of 'normal life' over time. It sounds like you have good support around you - just give yourself time and try not to put yourself under any pressure to do things that you don't feel ready for xx

My daughter Constance was born by EMCS on 29th Dec 2011 but she had been starved of oxygen due to blood clots in the placenta - her tiny organs failed and she died when she was just 2 days old. We are so grateful that we had that little bit of time with her, and that we were able to bath her & dress her before she died in our arms, after they had taken her off all the machines. She was absolutely beautiful - she was perfect on the outside.
We shorten her name to Nancy, and if we have a rainbow baby girl, we will give her Nancy as a middle name.
fan - so sorry to hear about little Tia, so much heartbreak for her poor parents and family.
I hope you are all doing ok - we are going on holiday in just over a week, we are soooo ready for it, just can't wait! More than ready for a break - it's been one hell of a year.
It was around this time last year that we found out I was pregnant with Nancy - that was the first time our lives changed forever.
Sending cyber-hugs to everyone x

wtw I seem to have had the same problem with regards to Boots! Just discovered an email in my folders Your baby is 6 months old! :(
The thing is, I have just registered with them again only yesterday to get the discounts when buying stuff for my sister's little one and for me in the future and to get freebies.
So don't know what happens if I unsubscribe now :(

fan So sorry about little Tia, my thoughts are with her family!

count big hugs for you x

Too so sorry they used little Maia as a pincushion! I remember when DD1 a kidney infection at 4,5 months and they couldn't find a vein either, in the end they had to use her heel...

I have sent a snotty email to them Blue will let you know if I get a response.

Fan I'm so sad to hear about little Tia Another family devastated.

Nice to 'see' you Elly

Miasmum someone suggested the name Mia to us the other day. I said I thought it was absolutely beautiful but that it already belonged to a very special little red headed girl and I couldn't imagine it on anyone else How are you feeling? When is your 12 week scan? xx

It's so lovely to hear those of you who are pregnant talk about it. You are so so brave too!

We have our review in 19 days ( not that I'm counting), with our consultant to discuss how things are. I'm going to ask how long we need to wait and push for it only to be a few months rather than a year.
Does anyone know what they usually say after ecs? I also had something very like bad preeclamsia, so I don't know if they advise a wait after that too, but I'm 39, so I don't have time on my side anymore..... And I'm longing to be pregnant again. I can't help it.

My RL mum friends are having 'midweek' coffee today. I was phoned and briefed on who would be there.... But couldn't face a group yet. I really don't know how I'll ever want to fit back in. One of my closest friends noticeably avoids talking about Merryn and for some reason doesn't use her name.... I don't get it, does she think it's catching?!

Re Boots etc.... After my first mc I had a nightmare trying to stop them.... They sent stuff right up to and past my due date. This time the hospital offered to 'stop' all baby mail for me.... But I hadn't subscribed because I got stung before.

greengoose - my doc said to wait 6 months for physical recovery after CS, but when we saw the consultant with results from all the tests she said as long as I'd been taking low-dose aspirin every day for 2-3 weeks and folic acid for 12 weeks it would be fine. We had to wait until we had results through though to make sure we did everything that we had to in case we conceived again. No joy so far though :(
I always talk about Nancy with people - I don't want people to forget her, or feel awkward mentioning her. Maybe your friend is waiting for you to take the lead? It is so hard x

Hi! wtw - how are you getting on? How many weeks are you now? I hope everything is going ok & that your consultant/MW are looking after you x

I still get the things through the post & emails etc too, but I just try to ignore them now - I see my 'Mum' friends from ante-natal classes every week or so, and it's really hard seeing their babies growing older and passing different stages, when they are all around the same age as Nancy would have been, but I think that if I keep doing that, and seeing them, it will make me stronger and in a way, keep Constance's memory alive, but it's really not easy, and I have to force myself to see them some weeks.

Getting on okay Elly will be 24 weeks on Sunday Being looked after very well. Will be on fortnightly scans from then on. I think you're very brave seeing your nct mums, luckily for me my 'mum' friends are ones with children the same age as K. They have actually turned out to be some of the most supportive and I'm closer to some of them now than my older friends.

Green I had an emcs on 25th August and got my bfp 1st Jan so barely 4 months. The only stipulation the consultant put on it is that I have to have an elcs at 37 weeks this time as there will be less than 12 months between deliveries so too great a risk of rupture to try a vbac. To be honest though an elcs is my preferred option now any way! I have found I'm getting some pains around the scar and the sides of my bump are much more tender (feels almost bruised) than they were in my previous 2 pregnancies but not unbearable at all.

Split very of you resigning Must be very freeing to know you're not going back xx

Am sick to death of this grey, rainy weather!! Feeling very apathetic towards work at the moment!! Ah well only 11 weeks left!

Ellypoo and Whatevertheweather.... You've both made me cry with relief.... I know ever situation is different, but I thought they would say wait a year just because of cs.... That we might even try sooner than 6 months would be such a relief. The callander is a scary place just now, still full of dates that I should be excited about.... Scheduled cs date.... Due date..... It's going to be hard.

Greengoose don t worry about your age I was 39 when I had Georgie & 40 when I had Phoebe. It took me 4 months to get pg after Georgie we didn t have any stipulations other than waiting for the PM results but I did have Georgie vaginally. ( however, had Phebs at 37,3 weeks as an ELCS ) xxxx
Hi all had to take AL Phebs cough no better so very disrupted night. Off to Drs at 4 pm. Luckily work are very good .
Love to all xxxx

Can I ask you ladies to sign this petition on my thread to make group strep b a test during pg, a little baby died in my area of it and I've been asked to spread the word.

m.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1468926-this-could-help-save-lives-please-sign

Thank you.

Will do that now FAN.... I was positive strepB during my first delivery (I tend to do complicated babies). If they hadn't picked it up as part of another test I wouldnt have been treated and neither would my DS1. Hate to think. It's so easy to test for.... Makes me mad.

AngelGeorgie... Thanks for the reassurance! I guess I'm just feeling old.... I know I can ovulate still.... I've been pregnant three times in 18 mths.... It's just a bit daunting to think about starting down that path yet again in a few months. Merryn was going to be our last I thought, but I want the boys and her to have a baby brother or sister.

Done Fan. Its on the front page of The News today - the lady goes to my sands group. There's 3 ladies that go that all lost to strep b

Have signed it & posted a link to my FB page.