Mums of angels! wishing, carrying and holding rainbows.

[fanjodisfunction]

May this thread bring us luck and lots of support through the journey of life after the death of our little ones.

Of course everyone wants us to feel "better". The alternative is too scary. But they don't actually think through the implications of the thoughtless words which emerge...

blue hugs to you, that is horrible. You would hope that people who would understand would be your own parents. You and your DH and Ella will always know that there is another sibling. Sterre is always there always your baby. Other people can be so thoughtless in what they say. I hope your bro can sort it out for you.

Well I have relented to DH demands and went out and bought a kitten this afternoon, he's called Spatz. He's only 5 weeks. What have I let myself in for!

fan yay! a kitten! welcome Spatz! I can remember our little Zebedee on his first day and evening at ours! He's still a very cuddly cat and an excellent comforter when you feel sad... Enjoy your little fur-baby!

Hello ladies... Wondering if I can join, or at least lurk for a while. I'm not ttc yet, but my dp and I want to when we can, it's just that I can't bring myself to post on the bereavement threads, the conception threads sound so much more hopeful....
My little girl Merryn died three weeks ago in the NICU at GOSH (great ormond street). We had known from 19 weeks that she had a tumour, and would need an operation when born, but we were given good odds....
During a routine US at UCH it was spotted that her fluids were gone and that she had Hydrops. The next day I became very ill with Mirror Syndrome, and the had to do ECC. My partner got to see her awake and moving, but I never saw her awake, and she never got to see me. The next day they operated but it went wrong, and she spent 5 days in NICU trying to get strong again. I was (accidentally) discharged ( they mixed up my notes)! From UCH and went to be with her at GOSH.
She got a little better at times, but didn't open her eyes or move because of the drugs. On day 5 she got much worse during the night, and she died in my arms after the turned off the machines and monitors and cut all her tubes and wires.
We have two Ds's who are doing really well, but I am in pieces really. I know it's too soon to think about ttc but we know we want to in time. I feel guilty about this, but I feel I want another baby very strongly. I know it would not be Merryn.

welcome greengoose I read your thread about your beautiful Merryn! Such a lovely name! So sorry she didn't make it! I also joined this thread a few weeks after loosing my precious Sterre last year in June. The ladies on here are a great support whether you are ttc, pregnant with or have a rainbow baby!
I'm currently pregnant with DC3, I'm 12+2 weeks now. :)
Take care! x

Bluetinkerbell, thanks for the welcome.
I'm so sorry about your little boy...Sterre is a really distinctive and unusual name, can I ask how you came to choose it? Sorry if I'm being insensitive, I'm not so good at judging what's ok to say right now...
Congrats on your pregnancy, have had a scan then?

greengoose Sterre was a little girl, it means star in Dutch and also in old English
I had my scan last week and all looks ok for now! Having another one in 4 weeks time!
Don't worry about not knowing what to say, you are still in the very early stages of grieving...

God sorry Bluetinkerbell, as I said brain not functioning very well..... I thought you had said you had a little boy in earlier post...
It's a lovely name. And congrats on the scan.

greengoose welcome to the thread, I hope you find the support here that you are looking for. My daughter Ophelia was stillborn at 36 weeks last april we have had two miscarriages in that year that has passed also.
So sorry to hear your story for Merryn, its such a beautiful name. And such a heartbreaking story.
We wanted to try straight away, a reason why we started this thread. But it all happens when I guess we are all ready.

Oh and we never judge on this thread, we are here to support, so feel free to rant, scream, cry and eventully laugh with us. We are all here to listen and support and help, we have all been through the loss of a child wether it be during pregnancy or after.

I've taken the day off to look after Spatz, he's sleeping on me at the moment.

Well after thinking AF was on its way it still hasn't arrived, so contine with the waiting game I guess, a bit frustrating but what can you do.

Hope everyone is ok today.

How are you new mums doing? How are all the rainbow babies?

we only judge the DHAC's, don't we fan (Don't Have A Clue)

Oh I like that blue lol!

Hi Greengoose, so sorry for your loss, I know your grief must be overwhelming right now. My DS3, Jacob, was stillborn last August and i physically miss him in my life, every day. I am 26 wks pg now, another little boy, and so excited but terrified at the same time. I do a lot of lurking and tend to only post when I need to vent but I'd be lost without this thread

fan aw, hope your kitten brings you lots of happiness. Love the name!

Thanks for the welcome ladies....
Fan, I'm so sorry you lost your little Ophelia a year ago, and then to go through two MCs. You and your DH must be very strong together.
Your kitten sounds adorable.... Our "kitten" is now two, and regularly brings us "gifts" to our doorstep..... But I still love her!

Augustmoon, again, so sorry that your little boy died, Jacob is my favourite boys name, and the name of my DS1, who is 10 this year...

Im glad you don't judge on here, but I may test that a bit, my brain right now is such a mix of loss and hormones that I can't speak in normal conversations without getting in a muddle. I'm usually a bit more with it, honest!

A lady who makes 'wooly hugs blankets' has been in touch and asked if I'd like to have one made in memory of Merryn. I think I would, but it's all a bit much, but it's such a lovely thing for my boys, and to show them about how kind people can be... It touches off lots of things about my time in hospital, and how Merryn had none of the things I would have made her because she was so early... And we were in London so far from home ( I didn't even have a jumper or proper shoes with me)! I keep thinking but this is for people who's child has died, and then having to fit myself into this new life and new role.... I don't want to think of this as real. I still think I'll wake up and still be pregnant, I haven't stopped talking to her in my tummy yet. I would have been 36 weeks tommorow.... Cs was planned for 37 weeks. I'm dreading so many dates.

greengoose all you are feeling is totally normal, us as mothers go through so much guilt during our grief. I still feel partially responsable for the death of my three babies I can't help it. And I think that makes it harder for it to feel real or for us to move on. I often have moments where I think it never happened, I didn't want the weeks to pass though either as it felt like I was moving away from Ophelia.
I've contributed to a woolly hugs blanket, and cheese on this thread has one, they are a wonderful thing.

Hi ladies

Squeee Fan a new kitten!! What will the ratties make of that?! Can't wait to see some pictures. Hope AF turns up soon so you know where you are again

You are so right Blue

Greengoose glad you found us here These wonderful ladies are literally holding my hand through this pregnancy. It's so good to have somewhere to come where there are people who properly understand how scary a subsequent pregnancy is. I was lucky enough to receive a mn blanket after Erin died. If you have a peek on my profile there's pics of my dd1 snuggled under it. It's the most gorgeous thing (there are pics of Erin on there too just to warn you). Keep posting here and on your thread you'll receive lots of support xx

Well I'm on the countdown to 24 weeks and viability Roll on Sunday - it's also my birthday and we're off to center parcs all on the same day! Erin's headstone should be ready any time soon - am looking forward to and dreading seeing it all at the same time.

wtw that is exciting. Also it must be a relief that the stone is finially going to be placed on Erins grave. I will look out for it next time I'm in the cemetery.

greengoose oh, you poor person. I am so sorry. I wish none of us had such sad stories to share. However, your feelings about wanting another child are very natural - that is why we are all here. My beautiful red-headed Mia died last October, very unexpectedly, at the age of 13 months. It is still very unreal. I am currently 9+2 weeks pg, but very, very nervous, to the point I find it difficult to even write about it here. You might find it challenging to SWI at the moment, as it is very early days - I know I did - and again, just do what feels right for you, and take your time. You have been through the worst emotional turmoil imaginable, and so be gentle on yourself...

Hi Greengoose sorry for your loss...xxxx My DD Georgie was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 .I miss her every minute of every day I had my " rainbow" baby Phoebe on 18/10/11. She's an absolute angel , a darling.... However I still miss my Georgie so much. Xxxx
Whatever hope u have a fab time at Centre parcs, lovely birthday & yeh!!! For viability.... Xx
Fan Arh ... Your kitten sounds great... Love kittens.they re so cute ... Enjoy xxx
Hi all hope everyone's well? Xxx
All good here Phebs still got a cough & cold finally on it's way out.... Work fine but busy. The weekend was great took Phebs to a farm & swimming. Spent 4 hours looking for flights as we'd booked our flights to Euro-Disney via BMI baby & obviously they ve now gone bust!!!!
Finally managed to book some more flights!?! Awaiting refund now!!!
Off to SW tonight though expect a gain ad eaten out loads over the weekend.
Love bank holiday weekends wish every one was one!!!!
Love to all xxxxx

greengoose so sorry to welcome you here, IYKWIM, and so very very sorry to hear about the loss of Merryn. Beautiful, beautiful name, it's really struck me.
I lost my first baby, Bobbie, she was born in Oct 2010, very early and not alive. I've since had another daughter, Freya, who is now 8.5 months old. The loss never leaves you, but you will learn how to live with it, and at least appear to function. I shut my eyes and shudder when I remember or feel again the early raw pain you will be feeling now. You feel like you can't possibly survive it, but somehow the hours and the days keep passing and one day you'll realise how far you have come, and that you are surviving. One day the memory of your baby can make you smile without tears, though the tears are never a million miles off.

blue fab news on your scan! I know how it hurts when our angel babies are forgotten in the family. When I was 20 weeks with Freya we went to DH's grandmother's 80th, and one of the family had done a "This is your life" style thingy which covered all the big events - each of her children, grandchildren being born/married etc... but missed her first greatgranddaughter's entire existence. I skulked out at that point to go and doing the washing up in the kitchen and cry into the washing up water

fan aaaw a gorgeous little kitten, how sweet!

I have just posted my resignation letter today to say I'm not returning after mat leave . Scary moment putting that in the post box!! But

Love to all xx

Ohhhhhhhh I'm in tears after reading your post greengoose!
It's so hard to loss a unborn baby or a baby taken too soon!
It's strange to read my notes pregnant 6 times but mother of 3!
I'm 1 week 1 day in from my recent loss and my op to remove my right tube!!!! I'm crying for another child I will not ever see, hold or name!
I'm still I'm pain from surgery and talking in RL hurts too much!
Gone but never forgotten!!!

Greengoose this might sound strange, mad even, I'm a bit amazed myself, and I don't know how, but I knew one of your sons was called Jacob. When I read you had 2 sons I just 'knew'
Count x

Hi Ladies, welcome to greengoose. I'm sorry that you have to be here after the loss of your precious girl, Merryn. it's so hard losing a child but I hope you find help and support here.
My little boy died suddenly just before Christmas and I miss him every single minute of the day. I am also pregnant and we started to try straight away. I realise that this option isn't open to you right now but I hope you find the strength to do what you want to do.

I'm having a really bad day today. A woman who I don't know very well came up to me in the park and congratulated me on being pregnant. I was taken aback because we still haven't told many people (I'm nearly 18 weeks) but I managed to smile and thank her. As the conversation went on it became clear to me that she didn't know that Jude had died. She was going on about having three and not caring if it's a girl or boy because we I already have one of each etc. I had to tell her what happened. I'm so mad that so many people know because my bloody aunt can't keep a secret!
I think that they all think this is a normal pregnancy when it's clearly not. We have increased risk and we're basically terrified all the time. Sorry for the vent I'm just so furious.

orion never be sorry for a rant, so sorry your family let you down.

count I just want to give you a hug, after losing my third two weeks ago, its hard to see the light isn't it. I'm here holding your hand.