Just MC and ready to try again? Pack your leathers, black nail polish, air guitar and jump in the mosh pit for some serious metalling. All welcome! (Part 17)

[MarathonMama]

Hello! Just miscarried and ready to start again, come and join us...

OK, first off I'm gonna apologise for being so me, me, me - but if anyone will get it, it's you guys.

For the last few weeks, the thought of this day has overwhelmed me; I literally couldn't think of anything else.

Then I got my bfp on Tuesday, and the significance of today seemed to fade to a fuzzy dreamlike date that seemed far, far away.

And now it's here. And I feel.. strangely numb. Is this normal? I've been so upset for the weeks leading up that I expected today to be incredibly hard, but it's just not. I don't know if it's because I got my bfp (in which case I feel dreadful for pushing away my grief for my little boy over a teeny tiny speck of... hope). My logical side tells me it's kinda like the limbo I went into for a few days after I found out he'd passed, then gave birth, then for a couple of days I was almost 'fine' - then I absolutely fell to pieces. So, I think I KNOW that this is almost too traumatic for me to properly 'feel' and that I'm protecting myself.

Geez, does any of this rambling make sense? Any of you recognise any of this? Because I feel...odd. I feel like I want to cry for my son but the tears just aren't there.

I'm going to go with DP later to the garden centre and buy a peace lily. Not only are they beautiful when they flower (and they flower each year so quite apt) but I like the symbolic meaning of its name - hoping it brings me peace.

But... I am also quietly panicking about this bean. Today's test looks lighter. Now, I know the standard line about different dye levels, I've used that one myself! And... I drank about 300mls of milk right before I went to sleep (usually do not drink before bed) and had 200mls of juice at 4am (usually never drink in the night) so there's the possibility my fmu was slightly less dilute. But the last two mornings I've felt ropey until I ate (about 11am) yet I haven't eaten yet and feel FINE. And... where's the mosh pit because I'm bloody terrified.

Fuck. Just fuck. I wish I could have slept through today, it would have been easier.

oh gawd i am frantically trying to catch up on my lunch break. this is what i get for staying off line over the weekend

Congrats to IQ and Marathon for lovely scans IQ i was loving your description of mini IQ waving and stretching we all love a good streeetch! oh and Marathon your post made me blub (secretly at my desk)

missg are you ok today? it just sounds like a bit of 'breakthrough' bleed or implantation. FX

I am on full metalling mode and wonder if there is any room in the mosh pit? I am on CD17, we only managed in the end to SWI on CD10, 12 and 16 last night (well we had a power cut - what else would you do?!) however i had two glasses (count 'em) of wine on saturday night and fell asleep aaaand the same happened last night. My colleague made me a coffee and i at it this morning. Aaaaarrrggghhhhh is the padded cell free?

i dont have time for a full name check but want to wave at everyone and hope you are all having a fine Monday. I will catch up properly for now as i am at work!!

manda crossed posts

i cant blame you for feeling like this, you may have also felt like this without the BFP last week. i think the peace lily is a beautiful idea (may i copy that idea for next month?) your son will always be in your heart and you will never forget him. you could also adopt a star, your own special one for private chats

i really think it is normal to feel numb today, my counsellor told me that i may feel nothing on my due date but it may hit me later on, or a couple of weeks earlier. she recommended i do something i wouldnt be able to do with a newborn, like go shopping on my own, have a facial etc etc.

of course i get it - we all do. sending you some positive vibes today.

//////////////\ (summer's positive vibes )

manda you cannot mosh now that you are PG but how about a bit of crowd surfing? we will all make sure we hold you up

Glad you had a good time Blue - I love blackberry picking .

Pie - I do financial disputes and insolvencies, essentially meaning I mostly work for banks, insurers, etc when they get sued or get fined by regulators :). It tends to mean that things are time pressured (as regulatory deadlines are pretty tight), hence the ridiculous hours. 'tis all rather good fun though.

Miss G - hope you can get some rest today and feel a bit better tomorrow.

Now, Manda, it is perfectly fine to tell us how you feel, so don't apologise. Today is an important day for you. You've been thinking about it for a long time, and it is unsurprising tha you will feel odd. Having hope due to your BFP does not mean that you did not love and do not miss your little boy. I think that maybe today it's all a just bit too much for you, and that is perfectly normal. Buying a peace lily shoulds like a beautiful thing to do.

As for your BFP - you sound to have drunk a lot more than you usually would,so that may explain it. If you can, try to spend the day relaxing (I recommend Ben & Jerrys and movies and talking to us, or course). We're here for you.

*sounds

manda I love the idea of the peace lily for your son x I agree with shimmery it sounds like your FMU would have been much more dilute than normal. You could always do a CB Digi to put your mind at rest, but I am sure that everything is absolutely fine and I know the dye does differ from one test to another. Please come on here anytime, we are all here for you and a virtual hand hold or big hug. xx

shimmery the long hours aren't so bad if you enjoy your job, it does sound quite crazy!

summer oooooo, do I remember rightly and you said you normally ovulate quite early in the cycle? It's very possible then that you could well be 7dpo and in full symptom mode!

I was talking to my colleage today about the girl I know who has announced her 'unplanned' pg at 4 weeks and we were both quite incredulous about it as it's such early days. My colleague has had 2 mc (both IVF :() (but I haven't told her about mine, yet).

So, who is due to test first! I should know either way by the time my friend's wedding comes around in 2 weeks but at the moment won't be testing until mid/end of next week!

missg hope you are feeling better now x

manda I don't think there's any way to 'prepare' yourself for today or know how you would feel...I know after my MC it took weeks before the full emotion of it all started to come out and I felt awful that I wasn't crying the whole time etc as that's what I felt I should be doing IYSWIM? Buying the Peace Lily sounds like a great idea. I also don't think you should feel guilty that the bfp might have 'helped' how you're feeling...I think for all of us one of our big desires is to get to that point before our due date and you have been lucky to get to that point (although I appreciate that has it's own stresses that come with it!). Try not to read too much into the tests either...and maybe see if you can hold off for another couple of days before you test again (I know, damned difficult) but the hormone takes a while to multiply and you had quite a drink at 4am so FMU would've been more dilute...the main thing is that the line is there!! And FWIW being thirsty is a good pregnancy sign!! I never get thirsty in the night yet when I was pregnant I woke up gasping during the night and was constantly guzzling water...and then needing to pee

summer would you like some cake too? I'm trying hard not to metal (CD20 today I think) and stay 'chilled and calm' and not think about how soon I could test...though last cycle was 31 days so it's not really as soon as it sounds...if I can hold off til this time next week that'd be good! I think we should start a 'June Masif' metal club in the corner of the mosh pit/padded room, manda come and join us as well (though think you might be late May) and we can head bang and eat chocolate cake together!

How's everyone else today?

X-post pie and shimmery come eat chocolate cake in the June masif zone too

blue did you just ask me if i wanted chocolate cake? is the Pope a catholic? Does a bear $1 in the woods? yes? foolish question o' blue one, foolish

pie you are indeed correct, i know i OV'd last wednesday which is CD12. That makes me due on 21 September (next Wednesday) at 14DPO rather than Friday 23rd which is CD28. However after the kerfuffle of the CP i am going to hold out to test. You see if we are PG then we will want to tell the world but then again we are going to be so worried. I also wont want to let on to my parents who are visiting on 30 Sept (although i would definitely have tested by then!) after my mother's lack of tact last month.

So in a nutshell, i should be due circa Wednesday 21st but shall test on Sunday 25th with FMU.

Also pie i am to say that when PG with DS i told everyone at 4+4. Now i look back i cringe at the naivety. I even announced it at work and emailed HR! Dear god i would be soooo much more restrained this time. In fact when i got pg in January i dont think i told work until i was about 8 weeks gone which seems sensible. That worked well actually as 2 weeks later i needed some 'extended' sick leave it meant that everyone was lovely when i returned.

waves to shimmery and her fabulous job - forgive me (as i had loads to catch up on) is it you who is off to Japan and NYC? Another 'kanichiwaaaaa' from me!

You lot are the best.

I know there are no right or wrong ways to grieve - but I think hearing everyone say it makes it feel more true. Crazy.

And as for my test line, I know, I know, less dye, more dilute pee... don't get me wrong, it's still a great line, would easily be bfp on a digi, I just... want it to be as dark, or darker than yesterdays! Eh, doesn't help that I have my tests in the drawer still from DS3 and at 17dpo the test line was darker than the control!

Annnnd, I just need to voice another irrational thought I have today (up until today I don't think I was even really admitting to myself that I'm pregnant and now I'm a bag of neuroses!).

I see the 1 in 4 'odds' touted often as the miscarriage rate. Admittedly, that includes very early losses/chemicals that most women wouldn't even be aware of.

Now, last time was my DC4 - having been 'lucky' three times before I did fixate a bit up until the 12 week scan that this would be my 1 in 4. When that was ok, I relaxed a little, but still didn't go out shopping the way I did before or tell the world like I did before. WHy? I can't say.

TUrns out, he was my 1 in 4... but, it seems, due to my very high temp/virus thing. I am now thinking he wasn't really my 1 in 4, and that I still haven't had a 'proper' miscarriage. Ugh, this sounds ridiculous, I know it does. Ffs, what's a 'proper' miscarriage? But it just seems like, I was unlucky, got ill, and it took him too. He wasn't meant to go, iyswim?

So, I'm still due my 1 in 4. And maybe this is it.

Yup. Yup. I've gone SERIOUSLY metal.

I have my appointment to say 'I'm pregnant' to the Dr tomorrow. I really am gonna ask to speak to a counsellor, or maybe a bereavement midwife, or something cos this feels awful. Perhaps it's just the way I'm reacting to 'today'. But... UGH!

This pregnancy is going to work. This bean is going to stick.

You are pregnant 'today'

gosh i just read that back. i can be rather 'bullish' sometimes!

look i am northern, its what we do. call it a 'geordie hug' you are going to be fine

summer It's fine! I know I'm being irrational, film-style slaps to the face are probably just what I need!

Actually, feeling kinda 'blank' again, so it seems to have done the trick for the time being!

Manda big giraffe-sized hugs. I think the metalling you are going through is perfectly normal. I don't think there can ever be any standard way of reacting to a day like today. And nobody would think that the fact your recent bfp may have softened the blow(for want of a better expression) a little for you means that you miss, or love, your little angel any less. I hope it has helped you a bit sharing your thoughts on here, but I think speaking to your midwife is a good idea too. Love the idea of the peace lily too.

My only piece of advice is to stay away from the pee sticks! Easier said than done though, I know.

Pie 3 times in prime time could well do the job! As you say, it only takes one persistent little swimmer after all

Summer loving your metalling and symptom spotting already. And your choice of lunch offering - can I have paprika sprinkled on mine please?

Thanks Shimmery. Stomach feeling a bit better. Have had major gas and the runs (sorry) so am feeling less neurotic about it being anything more sinister.

And for the FIRST TIME EVER, I will pass on the hot chocolate fudge cake . That's how yuk I feel. But good choice Blue, choc fudge cake will for ever remind me of working in my Aunt's pub when I was a teenager. I really don't know why I wasn't the size of a house when I worked there! Used to scoff everything in sight!

1970's menu for dinner tonight ladies:

Starter: Prawn cocktail, home made marie rose sauce, avocado, sprinkled with paprika (served in a lovely cut glass bowl)

Main course: Chicken Chasseur, with mashed potato

Dessert: Warm chocolate fudge cake with option of a dollop of cream or ice cream

Come Dine Avec Moi?

I'll dine avec you Summer. The mash potato and chocolate fudge cake are calling to me...

Hehe Summer I am there!! And all featured regularly on my Aunt's pub menu - awesome! Stomach feeling much better now! (not enough to try the Prawn balti I had planned for dinner right enough )

Ooh summer menu sounds fab...and I'm sure will help with my painful super bloated tum too can I put that as my first 'symptom spot' of this cycle...super bloating, needing to pee often, strange vivid dreams on saturday night and awake from 3am last night... that ended up being quite a list...wasn't expecting that! Just been called into a meeting...catch you all later...what time for dinner summer ??

Erm, Blue first symptom spotting?

"..however i had two glasses (count 'em) of wine on saturday night and fell asleep aaaand the same happened last night. My colleague made me a coffee and i at it this morning."

Tiredness and food aversions have already been reported. Your list is impressive!

missg that list was summers so my small list was the first for this cycle can't say I have any food aversions yet and my tiredness could easily be linked to my restless/sleepless nights! Oh how I do hate the 2ww and as much as I try to stay calm and not symptom spot it comes and gets me again

Ha i can see it is easy to confuddle me and blue we are, after all, wearing matching mosh gear, and metalling like mad!!! yep i do hate the 2WW too which is why i suggested 'Come Dine Avec Moi' this evening.

Right the Chicken Chasseur is bubbling in the oven and will be suitably dried-out casseroled by the time you all get here at 7pm sharp. The cheap Reisling is chilling in the fridge and i have pushed the boat out, and bought a bottle of Cava!

Nibbles and Babycham on arrival. With a perrier water for the bumps (or is that too 80s? maybe someone else can do the 80s night?)

oh and you all have to wear a kaftan or a maxi dress a la Alison Steadman in Abigails Party!

Hi girls! It's me boobeez. I haven't posted for a while but have read up every now and then on how you've all been doing. Congrats to iq, manda, missg and marathon! Sorry if i've missed anyone. Hope it's all going well for you all and hallooo to everyone else ;0) your posts have made me smile while I've been sitting out of the metal room. Ok, well I have some news... Just this minute got a bfp and feel freaked out. Bit wary of telling DH, as he said I should test in a couple of weeks - as if!! Also want to save him heartache if it doesn't work out...hmm. Want to go and hibernate for 9 months now!! Biggest giveaway this month was the boobeez which have been sore for about 2weeks now...I have a packet of m & ms if anyone wants them. Don't think i can manage them now! Xxxxxx

congrats boobeez

just got back from the doctors. even though af hasn't started 10 weeks after mc, they wouldn't give me anything. :(

he said it would just be giving me extra hormones and it's better to let my body sort itself out. he said i should forget about it and it will happen (yeah right!!).

i have to go back in three months(!) if nothing happens. he did say it probably would by then though.

i have got an appointment with my consultant in two weeks to discuss the results of my mc testing so i will mention it again then.

i am off to tenerife with dh on saturday so knowing my luck af will come then!

i have just started temping and today my chart showed that i might have ov'd over the weekend so maybe af will come in a couple of weeks.