1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

OOOOOOOhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhh, it is luvverly Headgirl

Sets up Hubbly-Bubbly Pipe in corner of pit.

so, who can I 'Lez up' with? Hmm?

It's fabulous, although I am writing a Stern Letter to management about the furs (am very, very anti-fur)

Now then, where are my snake-hipped young male concubines?

BTW, are we going to fill the last fred up or just crack on wi' this wun or wot?

Ohh its very opulent in here, isn't it? Someone had better hide the baklava, or I will scoff it all. It is my absolute favourite. Mind you, a pot belly is an advantage for belly dancing.

WOWEEEEEEEEE! Headie aren't you clever? Where the fuck did this come from?! Now then, where are my concubines?

I was right! 1001 post. How poetic. And EdieSedgwick is a genius title giver.

Does anyone know anything about fibroids? They told me at dildocam I have one, but that a lot of people have it and it don't matter. And to be honest, it just confirmed what I was told once before. When I had a weird bleed and they checked me for all sorts of stuffs, I had a dildocam, and they did see the fibroid, which they also said was inconsequential, could not be causing the bleeding, or problems with diffment. But there is another post just today where the lady says fibroids were given as a cause for the lack of diffment. Actually coupla' ladies said that. Any experience or views anyone, before I go into full menkul mode?

And for some light entertainment I have a riddle for you: I took one pill this morning. I will take one pill tonight. I will shove two arsebiscuits up my arse tomorrow. Where might I be going tomorrow morning?

You were bang on re 1001. How appropriate. Have a mint julep for being such a winnar.

Are you going to a sunday night 24 hr rave?

I know really, I'm going for more pins stuck in me (CD3) so not as major as yours. Will be thinking of you. Sure it will be ok.

Hmph, MTF, I know nada about fibroids other than that I believe my sister had one/some and has two chilluns. I think it may be one o'them things that affects some women and not others. My, how helpful I am today . Good luck for tomorrow, old thing. The spirit of the BESH will follow.

Tonight I am cooking steak and spinach and having a glass of red wine, on the principle that whatever state my ladyinsides are in, all that iron is going to be jolly good for me. Oh, and rice pudding and apricot jam, just because I want some.

I want to be your husband, HeadChef.

I am cooking my mother steak in wine recipe for the first time ever. I hope it turns out well although its pretty difficult to make anything taste bad once its been dowsed in a 1/4 bottle of red.

So steak and wine all round Head (fyi I am still clinging to the Cliffs of Hope on your behalf, although I have broken a few of the Finger Nails of Tenacity)

Sorry MTF i forgot to mention also know nada about fibroids. Can I counter with another question? Are cheapy ebay thermometers going to have more/less/the same accuracy as a Boots one? I am going to start the dreaded charting this month.

mothers I am not, as it happens, cooking my mother.

Bet you are, you murderous matricidal manaic

May I join the Bizarre Droid club. Started spotting two days before "full flow" (yeurgh) and then had one and a half days of "full flow" and now spotting again. Is that even a droid? I would get all hopeful and menkul but the hurty boobs have gone down and it was had bellyache and progesterone poo as Scrops describes it.

Am I weird?

I forgot a question mark!

And I typed "it was had bellyache and progesterone poo". Have no idea why.

I am going to a parteee tonight. Yes! Am actually going out!

MTF - perhaps fibroids are a problem if they are mahoosive (and they can be MAHOOSIVE), but not if they are small, like yours? I've a friend with a big one who had one had no probs getting preg, no probs with preg, even had a home birth , but then haemorrhaged because of the fibroid.

Going out, Aries? How novel. Will there be alcohol? Will there be other people?

Mum and I went to see dad this afternoon. He feels OK, his temp isn't going up, no other warning signs, and they've put him on IV antibiotics since I waved the letters at them, so that's something. If I hadn't gone back to mum and dad's to photocopy the most relevant letters, they would know nothing about his history and his needs, certainly wouldn't know which antibiotics to use. So I for one am all in favour of the NHS-wide electronic patient record. Fingers crossed they get him fixed up tomorrow before the shit hits the fan. Sorry for ranting a bit this morning , and thanks for being there as always xxx

Lyra I'm so glad it's relatively good news for your dad, and extremely impressed with your forethought and good sense. Love to you & yours. xx

Good news about your dad, Lyra I hope he has a relatively comfortable night and then gets seen quickly tomorrow. Good for you re: the photo copies, it IS very scary that this is necessary though.

Aries Hope you have a lovely evening. We are supposed to be going out next weekend but now we have the no/low booze pact I can see this not happening. (the boy only has willpower if he is completely sheltered from temptation) You went slightly 'lolcats' there for a moment, must be the excitement.

Oh PS Aries if that happened to me I would definitely call it a full droid - I rarely have more than 1 or 1 1/2 days' full bloodage.

But different flows for different hoes, I guess ... I must say, I am finding all this so utterly exasperating I could puke, so my sympathies.

Oooh, tis nice in here. I have no idea what a kelim is though, am I still allowed in? Hookahs have always looked quite fun though.

So sorry to hear about all the grief for your dad Lyra, how hard can it be to sort these things out? Hope all's still OK tomorrow and he can get the drain fixed and home as soon as possible.

I've finally escaped from family to catch up with you all. Way too much baby talk of various sorts, and I nearly kidnapped a friend's 11 month old yesterday - she is so cute, and does more interesting things than cry, sleep, eat and poo like the tiny ones. (I'm so not going to have a clue what to do with a baby if I ever get one).

Hope all goes well tomorrow Mountie, how are you feeling about it?

Is far too much to read, gah - I have only been away for a few days!
I shall pootle through the thread history at work tomorrow, it will give me something interesting to do.

MTF no idea where you are going tomorrow morning but arsebiscuits sound downright alarming. Here, you deserve most of the turkish delight.

"Different flows for different hoes". Feckin genius.

Lyra, am so, SO happy that PapaLyra is bearing up and getting the right antibiotics. Must be a relief. Here's hoping they'll sort out everything tomorrow quickly and easily - cos after all, he's allowed to be ill on a weekday!

Short-droided laydeez, Needles says insufficient bleeding during droid is weak Spleen energy. In TCM, the spleen is what's seen as supporting pg. So now you know. Build up that chi, gals!

Well, am off to Devon tomorrow. MIL has sent TYF saying she's not used sprays as per his request - I have a horrible feeling that this just means she's done zero dusting and has still used lots of non-aerosol chemicals, but it's a start. I will teach her Until Tues, will just be me, TYF, MIL and his 2 female cousins. All of them tall, skinny as fuck, blonde, lissome and gorgeous. SIGH. "Please meet my elderly, childless, unemployed, buck-toothed, midget fatso girlfriend. Perhaps she would like to hear about your previous modelling career and high-powered jobs". W00t and so forth.

Pray for me in my week of need...

Luff you guys so much

Mmmmm, new home . I likee.

Lycrapants am so sorry about your Dad. Why must it always be such a fucking battle to get people to listen, and act? I am perpetually amazed at the fact that the NHS appears in such deep denial about the fact that people continue to be ill and need medical attention at night and at weekends.

I had a completely pointless weekend away with uni. Was meant to be a big revision sesh of the practical side of it but in reality only a few hours were that and the rest was just sitting around waiting for something to happen. So have wasted a couple of hundred quid AND the only weekend me and Mr Cass could have had together in about 7 weeks in a row. Piss BISCUITS. Oh, and traffic was fucking awful both ways so have spent half of weekend in car.

Anyway. The laptop is being collected in the morning and I cannot get this thread to work on my mobile no matter what I do so fuck knows when I'll be back It's so sad that when I couldn't sleep at 3am I was quite excited as it gave me an excuse to nip on here, isn't it? And then the bloody MN server was done for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages rebooting, is OUTRAGE. 11!!L!!11OMG!

Pliz to leave this plate of Turkish Delight and apricots and figs soaked in honey and the sweetest of syrupy wines. And a drop kick.