I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

Could you do your proper Christmas on Boxing Day and cut yourself some slack on Christmas Day? There’s so much pressure around having a magical day but that’s hard to balance with family responsibilities.

You could have a nice breakfast then visit your mum, host your FIL with a simple buffet or a ping Xmas dinner (buy all the dishes prepped) and cosy up with your DD with a tub of quality street in peace when it’s over. If your son wants to go to his GFs, he can without splitting his time.

Then on Boxing Day, do Christmas your way with a gift exchange and a no rules day just the four of you. Whatever you and your kids want - a plate of just pigs in blankets, PJs all day, etc. Then you can a day of uninterrupted fun without trying to balance everyone else’s needs. From your posts, it sounds like you all really deserve that after the last few years.

Hope you enjoy it, whatever you end up doing.

Christmas Day is only a part of Christmas, for me it’s probably not the best day. My DF is on his own so her often ends up coming here for Christmas dinner, saying that, Christmas Day is now pretty low key and chilled out (DD’s are 19 and 21 now). We much prefer the days leading up to Christmas and Boxing Day.

Understand just how u feel I dread Christmas. Both my parents passed away Christmas Eve a year apart. And my brother passed a few years after. We used to go to mum and dads with our grandchild would be lovely play games. My sis and I would meet my brother in town for drinks and snacks in a nice bar. We miss all those times but granddaughter is 16 so we buy the presents play silly games I put on a happy front
all the time inside missing Christmas in the past. We have to carry on put the films on just for family. Inside I don’t care about Christmas or my husband but we don’t let it spoil for the remaining family. It’s only a couple of days just play the games watch films and drink. And in a flash it will be over don’t stress over a few days

Wow!
So OP’s allowed to feel sad about the loss of a big family Christmas as your Christmas as always made YOU sad.

This is a lovely idea....and making Christmas Eve really special as well. Dinner out after the panto as well maybe?

I'm sorry that things are so tough and heavy for you OP.

I really felt for you when I read this. So slight tome coming your way:

Much like the first response (who probably responded because this touched a nerve and I totally get it), I don’t have any family to see over Christmas. Husband’s dad comes over; he’s all right but not very sociable and we don’t see him often despite not living far away. My parents are dead, no siblings. Two young kids. I went through a period (weirdly enough after giving up booze, make of that what you will) where I really mourned this lack of roots, as I saw it. It was just horrible and like a bereavement all over again.

The point I’m waffling on about is that I soon realised that if I didn’t crack on with trying to make the most of what I did have (good partner, amazing kids), I’d spend all my time feeling sorry for myself about what I don’t have. And we only get one life don’t we?

I’m not suggesting you suck it up and get over it-your feelings are valid whether we tell you that or not. But finding the joy in things -when there doesn’t seem to be much joy to be had - actually takes effort a lot of the time, contrary to popular opinion. And your new version of Christmas doesn’t have to focus on extended family things to be enjoyable, you can create a new ‘own brand’ Christmas to your liking. For example: ( I Christmas the absolute shit out of the 25th for the kids), after Christmas day I plan to see friends, read lots, do lots of exercise, plus see some shows. It takes quite a lot of effort to arrange to meet non-family that particular week, but I feel it’s worth it and you’d be surprised how many people are up for it.

Suggestions: go for a massive walk together, leave DH with dad and have a film marathon with your daughter. Have lunch at the pub/Indian some years. Do some work with a charity. Tackle a craft. Get slightly pissed. Call old friends. And again, not to guilt you but just to remind: your day even as it stands would be a dream compared to what some people have on Christmas Day (bugger all company). Start this year with a few new things and see how it goes.

TLDR: create your own version of a nice day/season, not focused so much on family stuff and definitely not comparing with anyone else’s. Nothing will improve unless you look at it differently. You can do it!

@Pinkclarkothats the post I was trying to write but didn’t quite manage it. You’ve summed everything up perfectly and given great advice.

what an awful thing to say, you say its always been the 4 of you? well i would have loved that, I'm a single mum and always have been , its always been just the 2 of us, just us, my and my son, that's it, no other family, for friends visits, nothing, I don't even get a gift, not one, we receive 2 Christmas card a year.
and that is our Christmas!.

Our Christmases have changed so much. When the children were small we'd host Christmases with 3 young children, my gran and my in-laws. TBH I can't remember if mum came to us the Christmas before she died . Then gradually the group became smaller, my gran died and the my in-laws started coming on boxing day. Dad never really did Christmas but we'll see him next weekend.

Finally my in-laws died in the same year. My daughter and her family are having an at home Christmas, my son with his family we visited this weekend, and on Christmas day its just me ,DH and DS1. We will eat , drink and watch Christmas films.

This is all anyone can do, eat, drink watch movies, sing a long to songs. Xxx

I agree with some of the previous posts about making the build up or boxing day exciting so it takes a little pressure off the actual day. Why don't you have the big buffet and fun games etc on xmas eve when DS and GF are there too? Maybe book a day out, panto and lunch or something for you all on boxing day. I think it actually gets fun in a whole new light once your dc are adults. For now you might need to accept that christmas day will be about caring for/pandering to your parents (and DH's dad) and you hypothetically move your family fun christmas to another day. I think you're on the right track with setting the other lounge up nicely and you and DD have a nice cosy christmas evening with films etc and lovely snacks

Hi
I know exactly how you feel you are not ungrateful or silly ❤️
We had huge Christmas past when my late Irish mum was alive .
My dad has Parkinson's my in-laws parents are fighting fit in their 80's never really being bothered by Christmas.

I have a very small family a sibling with no children my husband an only child.
So Christmas is now in a pub with my generous dad who is also a little too old fashioned for my two girls one with ASD and the other 15 eldest a young 22 year old .
Just us my some what difficult sister and the dog 🐶
I am trying new traditions but is hard and worry so much when I was my daughter's age it just wasn't like this for me and my sister.
Sometimes with the last couple of years being dogged with dreadful and upsetting long term sickness and bereavement I feel guilty for having my children.
So am trying to do new things