I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

It always changes. I remember great times as a child, all 4 GP's came to stay.

Then, they started to die off. Both Grannies gone by the time I was 11, and Grandads by late teens.

Then I grew up, and had great Xmases with DH, kids and wider family.

Now kids are grown up, my parents can't come to me (too many stairs, not enough room) and I'm left with the choice of being home alone on Xmas day as DH will be working or making a 150 mile round trip to DS if the Scottish winter weather doesn't make driving too dangerous. Both options make me feel guilty as either DH will be alone on Xmas day when he's not at work or my DS/DIL will probably feel bad at me being home alone and I feel guilty if I'm making them feel bad.

My DS24 took his life three weeks before Xmas five years ago. Before that, it was the four of us on Xmas Day, but now its the three of us.
So thanks for making me feel even shittier, because I would give anything for it to be the four of us again on Xmas Day.

Our christmases have changed as the children got older.
We used to have large family mad christmases - which were full on and exhausting but fun.
And some awful christmases.
I usually have to work christmas day (part of it) so we've had fun building round that.

I'm so sorry, which doesn't seem enough. X

I'm so sorry.

That's a mean response, op has every right to ask for suggestions .

I've read through the OP's posts but not all the others. One thing I find difficult about Christmas is that it now seems to be all about Christmas Day when actually there are twelve days of Christmas. So now I give each of my children a Twelfth Night present (and sometimes have some people over for drinks and snacks on Twelfth Night).

It's not been the same since my husband died.

I feel you OP, and I do think this is normal.

Im 36 and the youngest in my family (well, apart from my three month old baby!). My brother is 38 and he has no children, we have no cousins. Christmas Day always used to be loads of fun with our mum and dad, both sets of grandparents and auntie and uncle. We would play games, it was always really jolly, do quizzes, have a great laugh. In the last ten or so years though, all my grandparents aged and died, apart from my one remaining grandma, who now has dementia. My uncle and dad had a bit of a fall out and their relationship since has been sour so it’s always awkward when they’re together. The last few Christmas days have been SO DULL. Nothing like the fun we used to have.
I’ve been with my partner a few years but we’ve always spent Christmas with our separate families (and been happy to do so- he comes to my parents on Boxing Day, and usually a few days before Christmas we do our own little Christmas celebrations together).

This year will be different as we have a baby now so are going to combine our Christmases and hopefully it will be a bit more exciting!

But anyway my advice, if Christmas Day itself is always going to be a bit naff, I would make a huge deal of the run up, for you and your daughter. I adore December and prefer the run up to the actual big day itself. Take a trip to your nearest city and take her to their Christmas markets, maybe even stay over somewhere? Decorate the hell out of your house and have loads of cosy hot choc Christmas film nights. Go out for a cheesy Christmas concert/tribute night somewhere. Just make December so, so special, that by the time Christmas Day comes round, you’ll feel you’ve done loads of nice things anyway and won’t really care!

@Spiderplantseverywhere 💐. I have to say I had never realised how much security was parceled up in Christmas until my dad and auntie both died in the same year and I realised that the whole dynamic of the day had changed as it wasn't going to be the same as every other year anymore. It felt like being dropped off in an unknown location without a map.

Sorry you have so much on your plate this year. I am just dropping in to suggest Morcambe and Wise Christmas specials. We watched one a couple of years ago and three generations loved it. FIL and your kids might enjoy a bit of that, rope the kids in, then everyone can go their own way later? I also suggest Christmas breakfast with fizz and a big fluffy blanket. Takes the edge off everything else that comes after. Good luck OP and everyone else who struggles with family issues, death and illness this year xx

If your kids are 17 and 20, and the day itself is tricky, I wonder whether a new Christmas Eve tradition might work better than Xmas day.

How about a late dinner out in a tapas place or curry house or something and then pub together with a card game or something. Aim to get home in time to celebrate Christmas at midnight with stockings .

Thank you. My comment was to prove a point to the poster who berated you. Your feelings are valid.

Yes it changes, we are at the young adult dc age and sometimes they are at dp’s or gone skiing. Parents get older and we accommodate the changes that brings. At some point I’m sure we’ll have the pitter patter of tiny feet and things change again. We are planning on trying to drag my mother to the canaries for 2026 health permitting as dc won’t be around (they are this year) I’ve got a 2 week cruise in mind as it means everyone gets to do what they want!

Why don’t you still have your sister and her partner over on Christmas Day anymore?

Is your DD the 17 year old or 20 year old?

In your shoes I would be inclined to make it a more grown up Christmas evening - cocktail/mocktails, karaoke, party games let your DD have some friends over, you could make it a more of a party evening. If you and your DH are happy with whatever, let your DD lead things - she might have great ideas.

Can you make a really luxurious buffet for your smaller family instead? Cured meat, cheese etc instead of a big party buffet and have that whilst watching lovely Christmas TV or a film? Have nice drinks too?
It is hard when life isn't what you thought x

We had a huge family Christmas when we were kids and we used to disappear to our rooms or the snug to get away from the adults. I'm not sure big family Christmases are always as much fun as the host thinks they are.
We only have me, DH, DS (17) and my mum, both dads dead and MiL in a care home.
It's lovely and chilled.
Over the years we had either set of grandparents here or at theirs, we have been to BIL with SiL, PiL and 2 DN, all lovely, but we prefer it as we are now.

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. It certainly puts a lot of things into perspective.

Because it would leave my parents on their own and as my sister has no children she and bil are happy to have lunch with my parents, we (DC and I) go over to my parents in the afternoon and we all do our own things in the evening.

DD is 17.

I'll get DD to make a list of the things she would like to do.

Dementia doesn't always allow the levels of understanding you are suggesting here.

Just cherish the memories you have and embrace your new normal. It’s only ever me and DD for Christmas and I dread it every year. I try my hardest to make it fun but it’s really just another day. We enjoy Christmas Eve with friends and have Christmas Day as a chilling out day before seeing more friends on Boxing Day. I make sure I have the drinks and goodies I like for Christmas Day and enjoy a lovely meal and quiet time on the sofa. Honestly when I read all the horror stories on here about Christmas Day shenanigans, it makes me realise I don’t have it so bad.

I desperately miss my grandparents and great aunt at Christmas so sympathise with all who are feeling something is lost from the time of year.
I can’t get on board with hating Carry On films though. They are a Christmas joy

Can FIL not go somewhere else on alternate years, or come on a different day? Maybe Boxing Day instead?

I still resent how all of my childhood Christmases were monopolised by one elderly male relative who apparently everyone else had to listen to. He eventually died when I was in my 20s and I have declared I am never putting my own children through something similar.

Sorry but I hate when posters are like this. I come on MN for a nice distraction and then they are ripping into OP for daring to post. I try my best to keep on keeping on in my life but now I'm a grown up, hard times are my new normal. Now you have just made me remember how hard my life is and made it even shittier, so thanks.