I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

Why? Just to be mean and contrary to OP?

Acceptance, OP.

Make something new, calm, quiet and comforting. Change happens and you can make it something new, that is still what you like. This is part of your life story and it will be fine.

Many people have been, or are now, in your situation. Resist the temptation to compare and torment yourself.

Why?

I mean right?

And to prove your point, technically I now feel worse by your post as I have no friends/family network at all and not even a cat ! So as usual will be entirely alone.

I'm so sorry it sounds like you've had such a tough run of it.

I just wanted to say that over the course of my life I've had all sorts of Christmases from big family celebrations to just me and one parent or jist me and a partner. This year, for various reasons, it looks like we'll be hosting a fair number of people again.

The points being:

1. there will be Christmas ebbs and flows (grandchildren will change things again if and when they come along);
2. getting comfortable with the idea of Christmas looking different over the years means that you'll be wonderfully flexible and accepting with your own children and their families meaning they'll be more inclined to want to be with you anyway (we're very lucky that both sides are like this);
3. I think your attitude of making the best of it is absolutely right.

In terms of framing it, can you make your little family a loose itinerary of things you never normally have the slow-down time to do? Crack open a bottle of something in the morning and have slots for baking, a schmaltzy film, the big lunch, present opening etc and 'romanticise' these (as the kids would say!) by getting special ingredients, outfits, lighting candles etc? They do your charity work visit to your dad as though you're intentionally doing a Christmas care in the community with a stranger!

Good luck, OP.

@Spiderplantseverywhere I'm sorry you are feeling like this and that some idiots don’t know when to hold their tongues. It’s hard with ageing parents etc…

How about you and DD plan something fun to do together which can become a new tradition? You could have a pamper session, watch a movie with some nice chocolates or other treats, go out for a walk or drive to look at Christmas lights. Get the obligations (sorry it’s become this) done and have something special for the two of you to share and enjoy.

Sending you a hug 🤗

We looked after my mother at home for as long as we could but things got to a point it was simply not possible. She was awake and shouting all night and no longer recognised her marital home of 50 years as her home. She could not be left alone for any length of time. I refuse to feel guilty about eventually finding her a good care home.

Nothing in life is as certain as change - said someone or other.

I used to enjoy big noisy family Christmases. But people age, they die, children grow into monosyllabic teens, and then get partners…

I guess you have to hope that the wheel turns and you get the big family Christmases again - but the rub is that this time you are the grandparents moaning about sushi for Christmas dinner and how Wham was much better than this modern rubbish…

OP has posted on another thread about her mum with dementia and her dad's response to this where she says:

'He is very tight and resents spending £1000 per week on care despite having hundreds of thousands in the bank. He refuses to agree for mum to go into a home.'

I presume that OP doesn't have Power of Attorney for her mum so can't make a unilateral decision to put her mum in a nursing home. OP is doing a lot of hands-on personal care to plug the gap that the visiting carers can't and she has a sister who isn't expected to do anything to help look after their mum.

Why is it ‘shitty’ to have Christmas with your own family? Many people don’t have partners/kids to share it with you should count yourself lucky

Life moves on - if we do not accept that then we will be unhappy .....

Once I was the lynch pin of Christmas - everyone came to ours and I was a great hostess - lovely food and lots of fun.

Then the children grew up and left home, but still they came to us, eventually with their children.

Then my OH acquired a grim neurodegenerative disorder and then he died.

I can no longer host Christmas as I have had to downsize to pay for the ncdare my OH needed - so no space for everyone here.

One of my DDs now hosts Christmas.

It feels very odd to no longer be that hostess ....

I think you should ask each family member exactly what they would like to do - and also ask yourself this - and put all that info into your thinking about what might be best. Part of the solution might be for you to relinquish the role of host/organiser/carer whose job it is to make Christmas fun for everyone. It may be that the older members of the family actually now find the whole thing a bit much.

But above all else - embrace change - things never stay the same forever and sometimes a new way of celebrating can be just as good.

I know how you feel, used to love xmas until my Dad died and then everyone fell out! For me the best thing is either to treat it like a normal day, or we go abroad and forget about the commercialised expense it is today !

My kids and me are autistic, we love it just being us 4. Kids get to use their presents & scoff their faces and I get to not panic about a massive christmas dinner. It also means I get to watch stranger things in peace on the evening as my partner goes out to see his friends usually. 🤣

"Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age"

Honestly, Christmas changes as people grow. It's never going to go back to what it was, as little ones grow up. I would hand on heart, please yourselves. Get a load of nibbles and drinks and forget the stuff you're not bothered about. Nows the time to enjoy it and think of yourselves!

Sadly not, I'm on carers allowance.

Why?

I much prefer our small Christmases to be honest.

I have always found the festive season a time of overspending overeating and far too much materialism.

Fine if you are under 8 maybe at which time you learn Santa Claus does not in fact exist!

I never enjoyed Christmas for various reasons. Last few years, we (me, DH, teen DC and MIL) started volunteering Xmas day for a charity that serves vulnerable people. That transformed the day for all of us as it's no longer about us, or presents, or gorging ourselves.

You could have breakfast with FIL (or take him with you), volunteer, pop into your parents on the way home then evening have a small buffet and Xmas tv with whichever DC are still home.

I can't recommend it enough

I can recommend getting a cat. They are easy company and lovely to snuggle up infront of the fire with.

i know this might sound odd, but a real fire at Christmas brings some coziness and life to an otherwise empty house.

i live alone but host family for Christmas. Always alone at New Year and love sitting by the fire with a bottle of wine an a couple of good movies😊

Thank you for understanding. It's just a hard transition to make when you've known a particular time of year to go a fairly predictable way for so long and when that changes it is a hard transition. As I say not for me so much but in particular for DD, she may be an older teen but she is still young.

Family change is really tough especially at Christmas OP. My Dad has passed away and I desperately miss him still. My Mum and stepdad are nearly in their 80s and struggle being around the grandchildren who are naturally bouncing off the walls with excitement. I spend most of the day trying to make sure everyone else is OK.

Can completely relate. Christmas has always been a big family affair for me, but things have changed over the past years. We've all always gone to my mums, but my brother's now married with kids and does his own thing, my sisters dd is at uni so my their plans always change, and everything is just all over the place now driving around seeing them and not having Christmas all in one place. Whilst I understand that things change, it's not enjoyable anymore and disappointing.

Dementia is thrown into sharp relief at Christmas isn't it?

I remember visiting my dad on Christmas day in his care home. He tried to come with me when I was leaving, and when he realised he couldn't he had tears in his eyes.

It's so hard. Sympathies to everyone affected.

Just go on holiday over Christmas? Tell everyone you want a change of scenery and book a trip overseas or to a local wellness hotel. Zero stress, fantastic food. True loving families would understand that people are free to try new things and not emotionally blackmail everyone into spending time together just for the sake of it.

You need to see my other posts to understand. This isn't the one to explain this.

I have no idea why you say my 'por, poor mum'. She has 2 x carers in 3 times a day and has two dd's helping to look after her every day.