I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

Thank you everyone, you have helped me see that many others have similar Christmases. I suppose within our own bubble of friends they all have such fab times and do all have large families. DD feels the same about her friends.

I like the idea of doing as many fun things in the run up to the day and will start making some notes and plans.

All parents and in-laws are long gone, so we are sufficiently distanced to be able to look back with nostalgia and less pain.
DC are grown up with own families, one set lives abroad, plus busy working lives (the kind we used to have) so getting together in RL at Christmas is rarer nowadays.
We facetime.
DH was never that bothered about Christmas and I mostly do Solstice, so we just have evergreenery in the house, candles, etc, and a nice dinner.
We go to an atmospheric candlelit carol service in a nearby tiny church, plus there's the Christmas Eve carol singing and Santa event on the village green, ten steps away, after which some friends come round for supper.
That's about it these days

Something I found helped a little with my grandfather was giving photo gifts we could then talk about. For example I gave him a perspex photo cube with pictures of him and me when I was a child/teen. We then had a lovely time talking about the past, which was clearer than the present. I found that a few old photos to look at made him very happy (I know everyone is different). Very random but ancestry has some electoral registers from the mid 20th century. My Mum loved it when I printed out her childhood street and spent ages reminiscing about the people living there.

For games I'd go silly - Buckeroo, Pop up Pirate, any childhood favourites you haven't played for years.

Your DC are older and so you’re able to really do just about anything you like. If your DH insists on sulking into one room to watch shit old tv with his dad, you should spend time with your own DD doing whatever you both like.

Can you invite more people? Family friends, cousins? Have a bit of a party?

Many people's Christmas Day changes as everyone ages and circumstances change dramatically. Elderly parents bring about change that will almost certainly happen when we reach their ages, too and none of us can be cerrtain we will not be viewed by the younger family in the way the OP describes.

It's about - as many have suggested - trying to make new traditions on our around Christmas that make you happy. Grieving for the past is not the way to go.

Your dad is the one I feel sorry for.

You are such a lovely thoughtful granddaughter.

DH doesn't have to watch films with his dad, he could join you and DD and play a game. You could ask DS to join you and go to his GF's a bit later.

Christmases change, and it’s ok to feel sad about that. I try to reframe it as nostalgia for lovely times past.

If you miss the feeling of a bustling house, is there anyone else you can invite? We have a bit of an open house policy. A friend whose family are all too far away to visit (and a bit dysfunctional) always comes to us. And when we ask our dc (teenagers now) which has been their favourite Christmas over the years, they always say the year we had Ukrainians staying with us, and they introduced us to Ukrainian Christmas traditions and we had amazing Ukrainian duck with apples and cherries for our Christmas Day meal.

It doesn’t have to be anyone you’re close to. A neighbour who is on their own? Acquaintance? Distant relative? It can be really lovely to get to know people better over a festive meal, and celebrate together.

OP this thread brought a little tear to my eye. I always struggle a bit with Christmas because I miss the Christmasses of my past. It’s not that they were all happy jolly family-type affairs like you see on TV. But they were bigger, full of love and food and I cherish them.

This year we are going to be having the smallest Xmas ever - just me DH and a grumpy FIL.I’m going to have to put a lot of thought into how we can make it special and not get too sad.

Maybe he likes watching films with his dad. Maybe the OP and her DD could join them and then everyone do a game or something.

The last few Christmases have been just me and my mum, and we don't get on, if you wanted tales of worse Christmases woe. My exH and I were infertile, he left me for a younger woman, his family including nieces and nephews haven't spoken to me since, I'm newly single (again) this year, and am likely to get one present from my 79 year old mum.

At fifty, this seems pretty bloody pathetic and no I don't like Christmas! But that's because of the adverts mainly. But I'll see some friends hopefully.

My parents are both only children so no cousins etc on our side. DH family live miles away and our friends have their own families and many now have grandchildren.

Longer festive season. Make the most of the Advents. Can each kid plan some activities for these days. Look at the wreath/candle countdown.

Scandinavian Christmas Eve.

Homemade advent calendar. Can be just four days for the advents. Mix of presents and vouchers. I include some of the stuff we want to do anyway and a few gifts that would otherwise be for Christmas.

really nice treat on Boxing Day. Can be a favourite meal and movie, treat food, favourite walk before or a trip somewhere pretty for a coffee.

Try and take some of the pressure (and effort) off the big day. Add your own traditions that suit your family as it is.

We have a difficult in-law situation with a very awkward SIL who never left home and terrifies DC. Anticipating an almighty blow up as I set boundaries to protect DC and husband (I have a husband problem) ignores them. Christmas often wrecked. Trying to make the whole season great for DC in case we get a drunk, raging SIL making demands in the main day. I feel quite sorry for her as she has diagnosed MH problems but no treatment. Ultimately DC have had enough of it and I will not let it happen again.

I really feel for you. It's hard not to feel a little bit melancholy over it, isn't it?

Oh grow up. So because you haven't had what someone else has she doesn't deserve to feel upset about how it's changed over the years?

You wouldn't if you knew him (see my previous posts).

I don't wish to sound nasty but he is a very very difficult man and wouldn't be where he was today with my mum without the huge input from my sister and I.

But that is a whole other thread.

Enjoy some dedicated time with your DD I guess then? Plan some activities for you both especially as she’s getting older.

Personally I shall bringing my DH home from his chemotherapy session late on Christmas Eve. Our entire festive season shall be spent avoiding crowds, visitors, and Christmas Day we will aim to eat whatever he feels he can stomach. Will save our proper dinner and seeing family for when he’s better.

It’s really not all that bad filling your evening with movies and hot chocolate with your daughter, I promise.

Well it's just the 2 of us again, no children. No relatives as they are mostly dead....you sound blessed.

Thank you, we will make it as cosy and enjoyable as we can.
I hope you and your DH manage to have a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas.

Stop celebrating it then. It will come and go.
It's just a mild inconvenience in December.
It's not compulsory to invest in Xmas.

It's not "shitty"; it's just hers have changed and she isn't yet used to it and hasn't found her rhythm with it.

Try all the threads saying "I'm done with hosting the big Christmas this year; I long to spend it just with our little family. Is it ok not to ask x,y,z? "

I had several years spending Christmas day completely alone and I just used it as an opportunity to do myself some nice food and relax. I never thought I would be in that position at all but I just adapted. Things are better now but nothing like the big family/friends get togethers you see on the tv ads. In fact not having a lot of family I never had that kind of Christmas. I think that if God forbid my dh goes before me I will be having solitary Christmas days again. Sorry if that sounds grim but you do have family and maybe one day grandchildren and you might have those big family Christmases again. It's a case of adapting what you have and it's only 1 day out of the whole year after all.

She wants to go to New York lol!

Could you afford a pre-Christmas short break to NY?

I understand. My parents are still around but don’t want to come for Christmas due to disability. They live in a tiny flat now so we can’t even offer to host at theirs. My eldest will be working. It is what it is. Life changes and moves on. But it’s still a bit sad