I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

What about starting some new traditions, have you got a light show at a stately home nearby? We’ve been to Blenheim a couple of times, i’m a bit of a Christmas grinch but it was magical. You can take the teenagers boyfriends/girlfriends and make it a new thing on Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day. Or a walk in the woods, or whatever you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be a buffet and board games to be Christmas.

Could you make a big thing of Christmas Eve? We tend to do this as it’s also MiL’s birthday over Christmas. So can you do the same buffet, games etc (maybe even go to Midnight mass/the carol service)? Perhaps you could invite a couple of friends whose kids have left home and are in a similar position with a smaller quieter christmas day? We do a round of crackers, a film, open the baileys or champagne. In many countries Christmas Eve is the focal point rather than Christmas day, perhaps you could change yours?

This is so wise. Adapt to the changes rather than resisting. Definitely agree about things like a lovely breakfast and games. But if you aren’t a games family then do what is you. Speak to the others beforehand and agree what they would like. I would get the parents visit over early, maybe with a brunch after then, FIL will just have to go with the flow.

@Spiderplantseverywhere thank you for starting this thread. I’m in a similar position. 5 years ago it was Christmas at parents house with at least 15 of us, lots of noise and fuss over the kids which I loved. We’d split the prep and cooking and all just have a great day together.
One of my parents is now dead and the other one has dementia, my only present in law also has dementia though is much further along than my mum. My only sibling isn’t in contact with any of us. My Christmas’s look very different now and often I dread it. I’m the only capable cook in the family and everyone has their way of wanting things. We have my mum over for lunch (she’s still at that stage where she sometimes seems fine and then suddenly switches) and we visit my MIL for a short time. My children (teen and adult) have free rein to do what they want. We play games, watch crap on TV, wear our new/fancy pj’s. You’re not alone @Spiderplantseverywhere . Sending you and everyone else going through difficult times lots of strength and hope for a peaceful but lovely Christmas.

You just have to do the best you can with what you've got OP. And you've got a fair bit to work with. Both your adult DC and a partner there for dinner and a FiL you get on with, that would be living the dream for many.
Until dinners done its business as usual, so that should be as nice as ever.
After that, I'd take DD with me to visit your patents. Play Christmas songs there and back, have a laugh and bond over doing a not that great thing together.
Meanwhile they get to watch Carry on up the Misogynist (ooh Matron!) Until you get back.
After that I'd get DH on board for a game for the 4 of you. You will need to meet FiL where he is, so maybe less 'silly' and more quiz based or cards. Get him and DD to play as a team. It'll pass the time, you'll be together, and it may be great fun.

She needs 24 hour care ,and you know that ,and you know she is not getting that , because your dad won't pay it
You said so on your other posts .
In between carers she will be left to sit in her filth..I don't believe for a second you have a member of family there as well as your dad , whenever a carer is not there .
Your mum is being financially abused ,and that is leading to her needs not being met .
She can't even speak for Christ sake ,you must be her voice and stand up to her bully of a husband ..
Get your mum the proper help and care she deserves,in a proper nursing home ,where she isn't left in her own excrement .

Oh come on, you’re taking offence to this because you’re choosing to. She’s asking for advice on her own situation, you don’t need to take it as a criticism of yours, it’s not. This response says a lot more about you than her.

Yeah it's just shit sometimes. My xmas's are awful. I'm single, no kids and feel I have to spend it with my aging, not particularly well and utterly miserable parents.
I'm so sad that I've never had a nice family Christmas, but I just try and grit my teeth and get through it to be honest.
It's only a few days, just try and focus on doing nice things with DH and DD outside of Xmas day, and just acknowledge the day could be better but it's just unfortunate it's the situation it is..

And your bleeting on about Christmas
I'm sorry ,but put your mum first ,and stand up to your dad , contact social services,and explain she is being financially abused ,

I think there is a point here that things change as families grow older; elderly relatives die; and children grow older and have different interests, desires, etc as they and all of us grow older.
As others have said the aim should be to create new traditions, outings, etc as we all change.
Not helped by the idea of 'happy families' promoted on TV. The idea is often very different.

Sorry but what the fuck? This thread isn't about you! Yes, you can have good Christmases with a smaller family group. We do, too. I would have loved a bigger occasion like DP's family have, but it is what it is, and as you say we can't magic up relatives. But if I knew someone in the situation OP describes, my first reaction really wouldn't be to make it all about me. This is not about how YOU feel. OP is going through a really difficult time, and of course Christmas is the time when it is most apparent. You have been rude and unnecessary here.

You've got the cast there, a family of four, it's up to you to write the play. Extra people in the house don't make or break Christmas (though it hurts when lost loved ones aren't there anymore) it's what you do with and for the people who are there that matters.

@JacknDiane
We've also always been four but it has never been shit .

It is as everything else what you make it
Larger family gatherings arnt always perfect with merry chit chat and happy quips..

I think it would be harder for op because she's never had to make so.

Anyway op keep things breezy ask her what she would like

This is my long term plan. When money is less tight I hope we can get away for Christmas every year, sounds like bliss to me.

I am so sorry.

@JacknDiane also - ‘sorry, but’ isn’t an apology. It isn’t the same as you saying or being sorry, at all.

It’s always just my husband and I and our two children and I also think you’re being unfair. Our Christmases are very magical! We do a lovely breakfast spread, open stockings with the children, do half their gifts and then have lunch. In the afternoon we open more gifts, play games, watch movies with snacks and open some
chocolates. The white elephant game with a timer and dice is always fun and I get cheap little gifts for it.

I actually think OP probably has a harder time having to manage and support FIL and her own parents on Christmas. It must be very tough seeing your mother become progressively less independent and more unwell and that’s tough.

I cant even imagine what your situation is like and the pain and grief, wishing you a peaceful and loving Christmas and how you choose to have it.

He does not spend his Christmas alone. My dsis and her partner will go over for lunch, cooked by my bil and dc and I will pop by later in the afternoon.

My father is hardly ever alone and is extremely fortunate to have not one but both of his dd's living moments away from him and having a least one of us visit him on a daily basis.

You have read between the lines and come up with your own conclusion.

I know I shouldn't bite, I am stressed to the max and perimenopausal so always up for a slanging match these days lol!

Thank you for your understanding and sorry you have been on the dementia journey too, it's no fun.

I would go away - do something completely different. A city break in an air b and b , a fly and flop, a villa in Tenerife. See your FIL and dad when you get back. Might just be DD and you and your partner but novelty is needed!

This thread is not about my dear mum and her care. I have started other threads for this.

Yes, it is about acceptance for change and creating other traditions. As I say, it's more for dd than anyone else, she is the youngest and it seems to have affected her more than anyone else. I will endeavor to change things this year to make it more joyful for her.

Christ there's always one isn't there.

"I never had this thing and so and so is also dead so how dare you talk about the thing I never had and also have feelings about it! It's all about meeeeee!"

If threads like this upset you maybe don't read them? Instead of coming on them and trying to make someone who already feels bad feel worse about something that isn't even their fault.

Something that's really helped me is to view Christmas as a season, not a day.
There have been some great ideas here about the build up to Christmas, but personally my favourite days are the ones between Christmas and New year when you can't even remember what day of the week it is! Planning in lovely things or seeing different family and friends gives something nice to look forward to, and takes the pressure off the day itself. Last year I didn't cry on Christmas day, first time in years, because there wasn't the expectation that it would 'be' something and it was better because the DCs were more chilled. We had the full roast on Christmas eve ate Tesco party food on Christmas day and went for a walk. It's a big change from what we used to do and what in my head would be ideal but I've learned to embrace this new mindset and it's genuinely back to being my favourite week of the year. Hope you can find a new shape for the season which works for you too.