I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

Christmas does change, it’s inevitable. But what you describe doesn’t sound too bad to me. I have a 20 year old and teens too. So they disappear up to their rooms these days. I’m sure I did the same with my Sony Walkman at that age.

I will make sure I spend some time before Christmas with dd when she is back from uni, going for dog walks and brunch somewhere etc. On Christmas Day itself, I’m always happy to have some time to myself in the kitchen listening to carols or out waking the dog. I also give my dc one catering job each, usually the same one every year and they know they will need to do this and possibly chat to grown ups for 5mins!

I will never not miss my mum at this time of year, this will be my second Christmas without her, or my lovely inlaws. I will have my dad staying and I will get ds to have a games of cards with him during the afternoon.

Grace Dent wrote a lovely article about how Christmas changes. Will see if I can find and link it.

This. You surely didn't expect everything to stay the same forever and ever OP like some kind of fairy tale. I can't imagine your son is that bothered about playing charades and watching movies with his parents now he's got a gf. I very much doubt it's the lure of young kids at her house that gets him excited! And at 17 your DD can surely spare time for her poor old granparents. At 17 I didn't expect, let alone want, my parents to create "magical" Christmas fun. Perish the thought! Sorry you've had a rough time. Been there and got the T shirt. I'm a widow now and it's just me and my adult son at Christmas, so life is a constant stream of changes I'm afraid.

Yes, that sounds nice. I think they have a festival of lights in our city which looks nice, I will look into doing that or maybe the Pantomime maybe? Thanks.

My kids are adults now, and my parents and in-laws are long dead, so I’ve been through many changes at Christmas. I think you need to think what you want these present Christmases to deliver for you, your husband and kids, in conversationn with them, and agree how to make that happen, whilst still making time for others (if you want to).

Certainly, you- and your husband - don’t have to let your father-in-law rule the roost. A little nostalgia is fine at Christmas, but set some limits, and agree, for example, that you will change the subject after ten minutes reminiscing at lunch. Agree with your kids if they want to watch TV after lunch, and if so, what you will be watching, then stick to it. It won’t actually damage your father-in-law to watch something different. You could agree some time limits: one hour of stuff he prefers, one of stuff you do.

If they and you don’t want to watch TV, what woukd you prefer? Then just make it so. Your father-in-law can join in or not, but if it means the TV is off, fair enough, he can read a book/watch TV on a screen with headphones/whatever.

And/or maybe all of you nip in and see your mum and dad earlier in the day, and stop at the pub for a bit before collecting your father-in-law ahead of a later meal.

Or make the morning immediate family only, have a fancy breakfast/brunch and presents, a great walk (to the pub!), or whatever activities you enjoy.

Do something lovely on Xmas Eve, at home or out somewhere, perhaps with your son’s girlfriend.

Only you and yours know what will work, but, really, from now on, Christmas will change a lot, and you’ll be making changes all the time, so you need to get used to ‘what does we all want to do this Christmas’ conversations.

I dislike Christmas too due to generational dysfunction & alcoholosm. I would happily spend Christmas alone, without anyone.

I actually DREAD Christmas every year.

Dementia is just awful isn't it.

Sadly my mum is virtually non-verbal now and has to have everything done for her. She literally has no idea what day, week or year it is anymore. We keep things going for my dad as he is in deep depression and a difficult character to deal with at the best of times.

The holiday sounds lovely, I hope you get a well rested break away.

As I have got older and family members have spread, died we do our own immediate family on Christmas Day, we eat together & go for a walk together but the dc can spend time on devices, eating their body weight in choc etc. Boxing day we host any family that wants to come for a buffet & play some games. I'm sure it will change again but that is life.

That sounds lovely, I will put that plan forwards, thanks.

Having 2 living rooms is a huge help though? don't underestimate that!

OP has just asked for some ideas, feel free to scroll past instead of making nasty comments.

Thank you. I hope you manage to have a lovely time. Sorry for your loss.

We also do a panto & any family who wants to come is invited.

You could have just shut up about it.

You don't have to share every thought in your head.

We also spread food as pp said. Xmas dinner is around 2pm or a bit earlier, pudding maybe 5:30 pm, cheese 7pm etc it keeps the kitchen full!

Different scenario as mine are still teens not young adults but Christmas Day has changed since their dad died, which was in December so adds complexity. The thing that’s worked for us is making it more about the build up to Christmas and making the most of planning festive activities we enjoy out of the house e.g. we do afternoon tea in an igloo, lights trails. For me that takes the pressure off the day itself a bit and then we embrace a bit of a veg day on Christmas with the main activity probably being a walk! I find it hard as my memories are of big family Christmases but that has helped us a bit.

I am sorry for your losses, I hope it goes well this year for you this Christmas.

Yes, I think JacknDiane misinterpreted my op. I have no issue with small gatherings, my parents are both only children and so no aunties, uncles or cousins growing up for us, we have always had small get-togethers. As you say, it's the losses and the change of circumstances which has been difficult to cope with.

OP's Christmas is nothing like yours. It isn't about there being less of them - its about MIL died, FIL in his own little world, mum's Alzheimer's and needing carers, DDs sadness at things changing so suddenly. You have had fun family Christmas's - that's what matters. Your children will have been happy and excited and I doubt if they sat there on Christmas morning opening presents, eating sweets thinking 'this is crap because we don't have a dozen aunties and uncles around'. My point is that a memorable Christmas is not about numbers. I'm a single parent with one child. We always used to go to family for Christmas until 2 years ago when DS asked if we could spend it at home, the two of us. I did all of the things that I usually do, and more, and we had our best Christmas. We went out more in the run up to Christmas Day, even just little things like going to see the Christmas lights, baking a Christmas cake together, we went for a long walk on Christmas Day, played games together etc. I did worry that he would feel lonely, but tbh his cousins are all much older than him so there wasn't a lot of interaction going on anyway. In the evening he was online gaming with friends - a lot of friends, including many from large families where they lots of people over for Christmas. I'm a counsellor and believe me, there are lots of unhappy, lonely, troubled people having big family Christmas's - in fact January is generally our busiest time. I'm sure your Christmases are lovely and right for your family, what ever that family looks like.

I am glad that you have managed to receive a lot of suggestions on this thread - a great idea for a thread btw😀.

I agree it is difficult when the kids are no longer kids but you still want them to have a lovely day.

I would agree with a PP - please don't let your FIL spoil the day for the rest of you! Why should one grumpy, selfish person have what they want at the expense of four other people! Especially as two of them are your kids - they should be your priority surely?

Ditto with your dad. As you said, your mum won't know the difference and your dad is a bit tricky. Don't let him cock up your day! Either go for a very short time in the morning or go on Boxing Day.

Think of your priorities. And yes, ask your daughter what kind of things she would like to do on the day and your son in the morning. Hopefully you can have some new traditions made between you.

PS you are lucky your dh seems to be relaxed about all this 🙂.

Yes, we lost a young member of our family in tragic circumstances this year and are all dreading Xmas and not sure how we will get through it . The OP is extremely lucky to still have her whole younger generation of family around her, and the remainder of the older generation....what we would give .

Err, the OP's Christmas is hard because of ill and elderly relatives, not just because of a smaller family.

She wants to go to New York lol!

Yes, you are right, it is the change which is hard. As I say not so much for me or dh as we wold go for a long dog walk then happily snooze the day away and even ds is ok as he can go to his gf's house but I feel for dd as she feels kind of left behind.

FIL won't do anything other than to come to ours, mum can't go anywhere as she is double incontinent and has carers in 3 times a day and dad won't leave mum so it is what it is atm, over time it will change again, I know and hopefully one day we may even have a gc or two to bring that spark back. Who knows?

Not about you though is it

I have no advice because I have always had rubbish Xmas since younger and don't enjoy it. I'm trying really hard to get out of that as I now have a DD. Im trying to think of new traditions for us.

I am sorry for your loss.

10 years ago we lost our 4 year old great-niece to a brain tumour, she collapsed a week before Christmas, never gained consciousness and died 4 months later. My children were young and didn't understand, we all had to keep going for them, it was such an awful time.

I wish you all a peaceful time, I totally understand how awful these times can be.

That sounds like a fab idea.