I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

Iin the same boat. Christmases are definitely more low key in our house. I just try to make time for whichever DC are here.
Can you look at doing something with your DD after DS has gone? Game, jigsaw, adult craft set (eg clay), gingerbread house - may be all of these? Sometimes just spending time is special.

@KimberleyClark I'm sorry if my post upset you, I'm sure there are good care homes, unfortunately the two my DM used after hospital stays really weren't up to scratch at all. I was fortunate that DM was a very good sleeper but in your position I can see it must have been impossible to keep her at home and in no way should you feel guilty.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment OP. With everything going on I suspect you're tired and stressed and long for a christmas like you've had previously. Perfectly understandable. ❤️

Life can be tough on us all but things will change again at some point, you've just to get through these times as best you can. My advice is to try and relax, I know that will be difficult but your dc are old enough to understand. I'm sure they're appreciative of the circumstances and know you are doing the best you can. A glass or two of bubbly helps, trust me!
Lots of nice suggestions on here.

I've been where you are (now out the other side regarding parents & in-laws ) and our christmas is different now but so relaxed and happy just the 4 of us.

Thank you for understanding.

I made the decision to cancel Christmas once my mother died. She liked it and we went along with the occasion for her. I have hated it since teen years, and feel it is just a commercial horror destined for landfill and charity shops. We all get on a plane and go somewhere sunny while everyone else is battling turkey and such like. I don't put up decorations or send cards. There are many religions out there that do not celebrate Christmas at all, or follow the Orthodox calendar. We meet lots of those people in airports and resorts on the way out of the country or while travelling around.

This sounds like the most perfect Christmas!

But small family Christmases can be lovely? I think most of my childhood Christmases were our little family in our house.

I'm single and childless (late 30s) and fearful of totally isolated Christmases in the future but I'll deal with it if I have to.

This isn’t about you.

Could you maybe start going away for Christmas? A bit late to arrange now but something you could maybe start talking to your DD about for next year?

My MIL has been through this. When her kids were younger her house was the centre of Christmas for the entire extended family and she loved it. All the generations together, hosting everyone, lots of family, lots of fun. But then the older generation (my DH’s grandparents) passed away and the younger generation started coupling up and spending Christmas with their other halve’s families. It made her very sad.

Now she goes away every year with her DH and my SIL. This year we’re actually going with them and our kids.

Hey @JacknDiane
DH died last year age 50.
Last Christmas my very small family rallied around, this year it’s just me and DC.
Do I win in the competitive Christmas misery?

If you had nothing helpful to post for the op’s situation you could have just posted nothing you know? It’s not Op’s fault you have a small family!

I think as my Aunt said "Christmas is a" move-able feast" I mean by laws of averages it will change as people age ,Dc grow up and so on.We had fun with our In laws/My Mum and so on .Sadly they have passed now .My Christmas have been cooked for by my DD friend (who lives with us) .They have been merry occasions .My DS who got married this year is spending Christmas day with his new wife understandably .We will have a Sherry ,a walk with the dog open a few presents and watch TV/Old episodes of the Christmas good life and have a Baileys or two .Boxing Day They will come over ,nice big buffet, more presents and a jolly time .We often see DN and her young family .DD BD on the 28th .I met a lady and her Son ,they go to the Cinema! My point is its whatever you make of it .Few people have a perfect day

Ours changed last CHRISTMAS when our 21 year old daughter passed away suddenly in the November. We have just passed her one year anniversary. To be honest, I can’t really remember last Christmas at all. This year I’m not sure what to do, but it will never ever be the same.

I remember the wonderful christmases when the kids were little and my mum was still alive, then the evenings at my in laws with all the cousins etc.... such lovely times and ones we took for granted. My mum has now died and the kids are grown, no GC and the inlaws deceased, the grown cousins now doing their own thing. My DD gets very sad and nostalgic at Christmas for Christmases passed. I do understand that things change, but really feel that I took the most wonderful times for granted.

Start talking to everyone in the family about how they would like Christmas to look and make plans now. Make sure you tell them that you need Christmas to be fun for you as well as you are feeling low about your parents, it's not all about them!

It has always been just the four of us bu we love it! Once the kids got older we started making a big deal of Christmas eve, so it is a takeaway curry, silly games after dinner while a bit tipsy (Jumanji is great fun, even for adults!) and then we always watch Arthur Saves Christmas. Christmas Day is very lazy, walks with dogs, a cuddle with our ponies (we live on a smallholding), daughters make lunch (always tomato soup with garlic bread and mozzarella), a snooze in front of the fir with the dogs heaped on us and a movie on and then I cook us Christmas dinner in the evening. DH normally pops out when we are napping to see a friend who has severe mental health problems and is almost a shut in. Boxing day is left overs and people coming and going and everyone suiting themselves before the DC are back at work. Myself and DH get a couple of weeks off at Christmas so treat the quieter days afterwards as a holiday for ourselves, doing whatever we fancy.

The point is that every year is the same - the same food, the same routines, even the same movie on Christmas eve. It might sound boring but the girls love it, they feel it's how Christmas should be. It's our own traditions. They are older then your children and both working, so now they really appreciate a chance to wind down and have a couple of days of doing nothing, but things will change again when they settle down and get partners of their own. But we will adapt and it be fun again, in a different way.

Your Christmas is changing, OP and what you are going through with your parent's is not easy. Christmas now has to be a joint effort where everyone is considered and made to feel happy, not your family sitting around like baby birds waiting for you to make the magic happen!

I feel sorry for him. Poor old man spends virtually all of Christmas day alone with his incontinent wife who doesn't know what day it is. OP clearly resents having to visit them and amongst her other moans she moans about him moaning. Obviously moaning is only allowable for her.

The spirit of Christmas is alive and well!

So yes I feel sorry for him and also for his wife.

@Spiderplantseverywhere Melancholy - yep thats the word!

Ah sorry OP, it sounds really tough. Our family Christmases were so festive when I was young. Now my grandparents go away for Christmas, my parents are separated, my siblings could conceivably be anywhere in the world and my husband’s family (while lovely) are not quite the same. My SIL often doesn’t come to Christmas either. Undecided this year as to whether we should have Christmas as a couple (baby is due early March) or fly to spend with in-laws. It’s just very different to what it was when it was relaxed and we were dancing around the room to Christmas songs

I'm so sorry. Wishing you all good things for this year. ❤️
My father died just before christmas when I was almost 12, so much love to your dc too, however old they are.

I feel sorry for OP and her mum. Her dad, not so much as he refuses to pay for her to go into a nursing home and expects OP to cover the shortfall in care that the visiting carers can't provide. OP has a sister that provides no help or care for their mum.

Then do something about it if you don’t like it. Dont take it out on the Op. She isn’t responsible for your life.

jeez

Step away OP. When you have elderly parents the peanut gallery expects you to give your every waking moment to them. If that’s how they do actually live then good for them, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to. It’s a bit like having a newborn- whatever you’re doing someone will be along to tell you you’re wrong.

We lost MIL this year to leukaemia, but we lost her long before that to Alzheimer’s. She was the powerhouse behind our Christmas, and it’s never been the same since she forgot what it was. FIL is a miserable, filthy old codger who takes the shine off everything. I’ll do him a plate that DH can take over but it will be at the time that suits us and it will be the food we like. If you must have yours in your house then retreating to a second sitting room sounds perfect- decorate that one just as much, if not more than the one FIL will commandeer.

We’ve struggled to have a good Christmas since MIL got freaked out by the decorations and forgot about it all. I liked the suggested running order with games, and will save it to try this year.

This thread is heartbreaking.

Sincere condolences to everyone who has lost loved ones and miss them desperately at Christmas and any other family orientated celebrations.

I don't have any solutions but it has made me more accepting of my own 'crappy Christmas'.

That's a you problem, I'm afraid!

OP, my family is tiny. I've never even needed to extend the table that seats 4 for Christmas dinner!

My children are 27 and 19 now. The youngest is going to her boyfriends for a couple of weeks over Christmas and the eldest is spending time volunteering with a food bank/soup kitchen.

We've never had the big family Christmas and it's OK. Really. It just changes and people find their own joy in it all.

(Well, most people do... 🙄)

With respect that's your issue and not OPs, Christmas is really difficult for loads of people for different reasons. It's not a race to the bottom and there will always be someone who has it worse than someone else. Doesn't mean you get to effectively shut OP down for expressing why she's finding it hard this year and grieving what she had before. She's entitled to support with that. If you're finding it hard and want support for yourself then start a thread of your own where you can be centered. Don't derail someone else's thread.

In 2013, my family changed hugely. The oldest generation died off and my father died. So Christmas 2012 we were 6 people who sat down to dinner. In 2013, there was just me and my Mum left. What we did was decide that we were not going to even attempt our traditional family Christmas. That time had gone. We decided to make new traditions and do new things. So we have been abroad travelling a lot at Christmas. In years when we have been at home, we have gone to Christmas concerts, events and other things that we would never have done previously. On the day, we have a plan for doing a jigsaw or a game or something that is fun and fills the time. Christmas is not what it was when I was young, but it isn't something we dread and we often have fun.

Christmases do change as family get older, people die and kids grow up. You may get them back when you have grandchildren. My advice would be to move with the change, make new traditions and try new things. Be glad for the good memories but accept that those times have gone.